Tag Archives: Florida

03/11/2016

Guns don’t kill people – Rappers do

By hairygoose

Am I the first person ever to fall asleep while inserted into an MRI scanner?  The noise and vibrations were so harmonic, I actually nodded off for a while.

She said it was a 40 minute session but I don’t believe her, I think she short changed me.  For the first time in 21 years, I had to pull my ring out – not what you are thinking…..!

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Surprisingly, that ring section is hollow.  I thought it was a solid pin but hollow ends can’t be all that hygienic.  I did also ask the nurse why you can’t put metal inside the scanner. She laughed and said it would stick to the sides and never come out.  You would be pretty screwed if you had artificial joints now wouldn’t you.

Anyway, lets talk a little more about Qatar.  Interesting place, lots of Indians, Kenyans and Philippinos in the workforce.  it’s all very very polite and friendly too.  Clean as you like apart from the desert sand.  If shopping is your thing ladies – there is Mall after Mall after Mall.  Very westernised – there are many times when it feels and looks just like Florida.  Petrol is cheap, around a quarter of the price in Europe.

Lots of work happening in preparation for the World Cup, a new underground system is under construction as we speak with tunnelling just finishing last month, major road improvements too – but still the place is two thirds empty.  I also got my temporary driving licence

 

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You might think that my name is Wayne Thunder from that – but it’s not!  I was also not born in 1922.  That said, they did give me a 4.0 ltr Toyota to spunk around in, and a 75 ltr per week fuel allowance – not too shabby I guess.

 

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So I guess all that’s left for me to do now is sign off with something smart and witty – problem is, I am feeling neither of those this evening.  For us, the weekend is here.  Friday and Saturday are the weekend, Sunday a normal working day.  So Thursday evening and guess which fool is on watch?  Still, all being well, at 8am tomorrow morning I could be stood down for the weekend.

 

Let me leave you with a little something from back in the day from Goldie Lookin Chain

 

 

 

 

 

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30/06/2015

Big Brother IS watching you!!

By hairygoose

Thought it was an urban myth did you? An Orwell fantasy?  Well no.

A couple of nights ago, I spilt a Belgian beer all over my lovely Mac.  I know what you are thinking, what a waste of good beer – I thought that too.  The other end of that argument is that it also shafted the afore mentioned Mac.  Now, to cut a long story short, I called the Apple store in Birmingham for help.  The automated answering service knew my name and pronounced it well, then asked me if I was calling about the iPhone 6 I purchased in 2014 or the Mac book Pro I purchased in 2010. Getting scary I thought.  Then I realised, the Mac was bought in Sint Maarten and the iPhone in Florida – neither of which required my UK phone number!!!!

Think about that next time you are clicking away happily on Facebook, liking shit that you have no idea of its origin.

Now sadly, I am suffering a very old windows laptop from circa 2009, still back then Windows Vista was all the rage.  My update history suggests I haven’t used it in almost a year and there were 79 updates that I needed to take – my verdict, it is shit.  I will be more careful with my beer in future.

So I left Mallorca on Friday and had a long long drive to Dunkirk.  As I left Palma and headed for Alcudia in the north of the island, I started to enjoy the drive.  I decided to immerse myself in the local culture and found a local Spanish radio station to listen to.  It took me about half a mile to realise that Spanish radio was in fact a load of shit and I found my own music shortly after.

Barcelona was the cluster fuck that I have come to expect from Spain, 8.30 on a Friday evening and it took me nearly two hours to make 4 or 5 miles onto the motorway but when I got free, it was simple cruising all the way.  I really wanted to make the Millau bridge during daylight and stop to take in the sights but time and daylight were not on my side.  Being honest, to make the bridge during daylight was a little ambitious on my behalf.

Needless to say – I made it safe and sound to the shores of blighty where the temperature was nice and cool.  The first weather forecast I saw was warning me of an impending heat wave – something I really couldn’t care for – I was looking for some cool wet weather!

This weekend is Great North Run time – tending to an injury at the moment but wont let that put me off too much – so long as I don’t need to stop for a dump on the way round, I should be ok.  You will fing coverage on the BBC.

 

 

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03/01/2015

Where the f**k have I been ?

By hairygoose

Do you really care?  The important thing is that I am back now.  A long stint in the Americas saw my interest in life itself dwindling beyond belief as the country sucked my will to live right out of me.  However, since the 9th December, I have been safely tucked up in the eurozone and slowly re-charging my life batteries to a point now that I feel it is safe to write again.  I was also slightly reminded that I hadn’t written for a while by Word Press themselves when they sent me an email telling me about the stats for the year.  Now that I have a world audience, I can plan my attack for world domination but until such time, let me bring you up to speed.

Yesterday, I went for a run in the forest up the road – you may have heard me talk about this many times before but for me, it is a giant adventure playground.  In the winter, all the leaves are gone and yesterday the ground was covered in snow so visibility in the forest was spectacular.  Add to that the fact that I was running in a high viz jacket and you might begin to understand my dilema of needing a dump at about 2/3 distance – no way of making it home, no bushes to hide behind, quite a few people around and me wearing a bright fecking yellow jacket – but I had no choice, no chance of making it home so I chose a tree and let it all go.

I also had a ride at Cannock Chase just before Christmas with Rue.  Steve couldn’t make it so it looked like we had a chance of putting a good time in.  I even made a video of one of the better downhill sections but it turned out shit so I didn’t add it to the archives.

My iPhone 4s shat the bed late in November and left me with a dilema all of its own.  The back up phone I had, a standard iPhone 4 was sold to me by the shop as an unlocked phone but it turned out it was locked so that was of little use.  The choice was stark and simple, the 4s was now no longer supported by Apple so it was time to go iPhone 5 or iPhone 6.  If you know about these phones, the problem was, the charger socket and SIM card size, both the 5 and the 6 sport lightening sockets and nano sims so a full change was on the cards whichever way I went.  Thinking that if I took the latest phone, it would be a while before that phone became redundant like the outgoing 4s had now become.  I bought the smaller of the two units BUT it is still too big.  Clumsy to hold, doesn’t fit in my running bum bag as easily and a bastard to navigate with just one hand.  Steve Jobs was 100% spot on when he said that nobody wants a phone that they can’t hold and operate with just one hand. I remember fondly the time when Apple products were wanted because they were leading edge, not because they had a big screen.

The new mountain bike is slowly being bedded in – one trip in the forest and another around Cannock Chase means that I am slowly getting used to it.  Running is slowing down a bit though, all due to the hilly terrain I am using instead of the monotony of flat Florida.  I also managed to run my best Parkrun ever !!!!  Leamington Spa on Saturday 13th December, I chopped a massive 57 seconds off my previous personal best, giving me  22:19 – not only that but I also had my best position finish, 45th out of 241 runners, 7th in my age group (that’ll be the Veterans by the way), not one female finished in front of me and I also increased my age grading to 63.55% so a productive outing after all – it will be a tough one to beat but there is more time in there – next target is under 22:00

I have a confirmed place for the Great North Run 10k and also entered the draw for the Great North Run Half Marathon the following weekend, that should be confirmed within a week so the North of England could be graced with my handsome charms in the summer – I may even venture across to the lake district for the week in between with my mountain bike, or attempt a cross country hike across Hadrians wall or a long run along Offa’s Dyke.  Scotland also wouldn’t be too far away at that point either.

Now, for those of you that didn’t receive my Happy New Year message, firstly let me wish it to you now but also explain what went wrong with the iPhone 6.  I wrote my text message and added the 32 recipients I wanted to send it to.  I pushed send and 7 of you got it, 25 of you didn’t.  I couldn’t get it to send the next day either, completely locked up, so I send my appologies.  I think for next year, I will also revert to sending Christmas cards again.  I had two this year that found me, one from Connor and one from Ralph.  It did kind of make me smile so if at some point between now and christmas, I ask for your address, please don’t panic, this is why.  I did stop sending cards years ago because I thought it was a huge waste of paper but now, I have changed my mind.

That will do for now, it’s almost time for a trott in the forest. I am wondering though – where the hell is Verity McCoy ?

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22/10/2014

Flange – A word of beauty and hidden meaning.

By hairygoose

Recovering from my ‘I hate Florida’ rant of the other day, I am looking forward to Colorado next weekend and hoping that it will revive my faith in human nature on this side of the pond.

Today, I would like to invite you all to discuss the following statement…

If your ball sack hangs lower than your bell end, is this a sign of age or a sign of a warm ambient temperature ?

I will leave you to chew that one over for a while (poor choice of expression I am sure).

I am also wondering about the street cleaners here that use leaf blowers.  All I ever see is these guys wandering around blowing leaves.  I never see anyone scooping them up.  Am I actually watching a guy that has blown those leaves down from Alaska, across California, through Death Valley, across Texas Louisiana and Mississippi before stopping for a burger in Alabama and then pushing across the state line into Florida?  Better still, are they even this seasons leaves?  I wonder.

I also wonder about the veeeee-hickles they use over here and the amount of flashing lights they have on them. School buses I can understand, Police, Fire and Paramedics I get that too – Park Rangers?  really?  Parking Enforcement Officers – why? Postal deliveries – come on.  I even saw a golf buggy the other day with strobe lights flashing all over the place.  It seems every veeeeee hickle has them and for me it de-sensitises you to them – but not the yanks of course.  Put a delivery truck on a half mile long and straight section of dual carriageway, all lights flashing while it is unloading and watch the locals drive all the way up to the back of it until their noses are pressed on the light lenses before they realise it’s not moving and they need to change lanes.  First class!

That’ll do for now, I need to find a Donnie Darko Skeleton suit for Halloween

 

That is one big nasty gash!

That is one big nasty gash!

 

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17/10/2014

WTF Americuh – it’s like so whatever – OMG OMG OMG

By hairygoose

Lets get this monster moan out of the way immediately.

Tonight I went to a place called Markham Park with my mountain bike and one of the crew from the boat in front of us.  When we got there, I was in trouble – no helmet!  If I am honest, I never wear one, my choice, and many of you say it is a stupid choice I know, wearing a helmet hasn’t done much for Mr. Schumacher now has it.  In fact if you believe the press, wearing a helmet with a go pro attached has caused all of his damage, but that is for another posting.

Anyway – when we got there, signed everywhere, helmets mandatory. I pushed ahead – fearful that at any point someone would call in SWAT and have them waiting for me at the exit gate, lights flashing, tear gas popping, military spec hardware ready to take me down as they shout ‘stop resisting – stop resisting’, helicopters buzzing overhead, drones tracking my every move and a bright orange jump suit with hand and ankle shackles and a private jet direct to Guantanamo Bay – the fucking pricks!

After around 30 minutes on the trails, I had heard enough – every muppet that we met would tell me I should be wearing a helmet – every one of them.  I am sure in bars, homes and internet chat rooms all over Florida tonight, there will be wide assed yanks talking about the criminally insane English man that rode Markham without a skid lid.  For fucks sake – leave me alone you twats !  One kind local offered to cycle us out to the exit so that we didn’t threaten their cycling privileges.

The biggest bollocks of it all – they weren’t black runs you soft Floridian cunts – some of them vaguely resembled red runs – VAGUELY! but dare to call them black?  No wonder the black community get annoyed with white americans – they don’t know what black is !

As you might have noticed from tonight’s post, I am a little peeved – actually that is an understatement – I am very annoyed, close to livid even.  I will be very glad to see the back of ‘America – fuck Yeah’ in 7 weeks time.  My only hope is that when I get away from Florida later this month, being somewhere more rugged like Colorado might restore my faith in the stars and stripes.  We will be there over Halloween, maybe I should have some fun with that to relieve the pain of today?

 

I can’t be bothered to write any more

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14/09/2014

Blinded by the Obvious

By hairygoose

America – the only country I know where you have to put your beer in a paper bag to walk down the street with it but you can carry an assault rifle over your shoulder in full view of everyone……………….Discuss !

When you have finished discussing that one, try this one.  Florida state law requires the use of seat belts while riding in your veee-hickle, but whilst riding your motorcycle, no crash helmet is required.

We just had a flying visit by the boss yesterday.  He stopped in Fort Lauderdale for a night on his way to Cuba.  As there is no Chef on board – I was volunteered to cook him breakfast  (neither of the Stewardesses wanted to do it) – he is still alive and hasn’t got the shits !!

My new carbon fibre mountain bike is finally with me, I shall shortly be taking it out for its first spin.  Of course, I will add some photos too.

Christmas is around the corner – I hope you are all prepared. Me, I am looking forward to some cold weather.  Today we hit 34ºC over here – too frigging hot.

What do you think about that Susan ?

 

 

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16/07/2014

It’s all over bar the flying!

By hairygoose

They think it’s all over – it is now!

That was it, my last 10k run in the forest for the summer – next time I get in there, it will be mud brown instead of summer green, maybe even a blanket of snow on the ground – who knows?  Tomorrow I fly back to Rio de Janeiro and then start the month-long up hill sail to Florida. I am of course immensely proud of myself for needing a dump on the way round.  Maybe I could have held it for that last 3k, maybe not but when I return there will be no camouflage for me to squat out of sight so I thought I better make the most of it while it was still there.

I just had a quick week in the UK as my last bit of freedom before the prison cell that is a sailing yacht – a sweet blast around Cannock Chase yesterday with Rue and Steve-o (or as we will call him from this point on ‘Snail Steve’), caught up with as many people as I could before hitting the ferry back yesterday evening.

I have also taken the opportunity to stock up on Tripel Hop.  When I return, it will have been long gone from the supermarket shelves, I am guessing by mid October, this years brew will be no more and it will be March before the new batch is ready.  There are currently 3 crates nestling in the utility room along with a 4 pack of blonde bush.  While we are on the topic of Belgian Beer – what do you get if you mix several Belgian beers with a Steve-o?

Interview with a Vampire – this minute long video is available for a limited period of time in the video section (exactly where you might expect to find it).  Sadly cut short by lack of memory in my iPhone – I wont make that mistake again.  I have just found myself thinking……..when I die, how much Belgian beer will I have drunk?  Not enough I suspect.

The T-shirt competition is coming along – although by now, it should have been closed and moved on to stage two. I am officially giving a time extension to the following people:-

Neal Westwood, Mush George, Verity McCoy, Lexa Timothy, Amy Horne

It’s not too late to get your entry in.

Getting back to Blighty, I also paid a visit to the Battle of Britain memorial just up the road from Dover.  I was a bit of an eye opener to see a sign requesting people NOT to climb on the Memorial Wall – who would do that FFS?  I took some photos and noticed something – you might think it obvious but it took a moment to dawn on me.  At the end of the wall, there is half a column of free space, there are also some names out of alphabetical order. I realised these were a couple of Churchill’s Few who had died most recently, I am assuming that the remainder of the spare column is reserved for those that are still alive.  I have created a small photo album for ‘Churchill’s Few’ – stop by and have a look.  Check your history books too – so early on in that conflict, the Battle of Britain took place – the Nazi machine stopped in its tracks at the shores of Britain by a bunch of youngsters!

We also have a new subscriber to swell the ranks – everyone please welcome Shazza Evans to the party – I make that 32 now.

 

 

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11/05/2014

Mokele Mbembe

By hairygoose

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear November Archives, Happy Birthday to me

Whoop whoop whoop, yahoo, yay yay yay – whatever  (as I am currently in the states, all the whoops, yays and yahoos are mandatory), fist bump, high 5 – fuck yeah!!!  Goddamn .

It’s official – on May 8th (say that out-loud in your best Geordie accent!) The November Archives turned 9 years old and is now officially in its tenth year of publication, something of a milestone I think.  Put that into a different perspective, my little blog has been around longer than the iPhone and will no doubt still be going strong when the iPhone has gone the same way as that old dinosaur The blackberry.  If you need help in perfecting the ‘May the 8th’ in Geordie, may I offer three little words as practise – if you can master these three words, it is fair to say you are fluent in geordie – repeat out loud, or better still, to someone else in your house or work place, or just stand out on the street and bellow them at passers by

Kawasaki

Photocopier

Conjunctivitis

You are now fluent my friend – go forth and converse but be careful not to get ‘yer teeth kicked in man!’

 

Lots has changed since I first sat in the Bubble Lounge down in Sagres and penned my first blog entry.  The bubble lounge is no more, replaced suitably by Warung.  The iPhone was born and has also suffered 6 reincarnations since its birth.  The whole world has become a place where people right now and for generations to come, are developing spinal damage as they constantly stare at their smart phone screens.  People no longer go to concerts and watch the gig for themselves but seem to prefer to concentrate on holding the smart phone above their heads recording the whole thing, for what I can only assume is bragging rights – the right to say that you were there and prove it.  This alone makes me gasp in disbelief.  There was a saying I heard years ago about ‘Woodstock’ that went something like this ‘ If you can remember being there – then you weren’t really there!’  Whats more, can you imagine the pain of watching a music concert in its entirety on a phone ?  These observations were made only recently in my life as I watched many of the iTunes music festivals that are broadcast live on the WWW. A sea of fans illuminated by their screens.  Of course, there are concerts where hanging onto your phone would have been impossible too – The Offspring and Skunk Anansie are two that I remember partially.

Sound Garden, The Pixies, Katy Perry, Jessie J, Coldplay, NOCEREMONY/// have all been on iTunes for free.  Of course, I wanted to be there for myself but never won the tickets – Yes, I did apply for free tickets for a Katy Perry concert, but equally too, I tried for the Pixies.

Most recently of course, I finally decided to spend a chunk of money on a quality car rather than the 300 quid junkers that I normally favour. This has caused some concerns when choosing a suitable parking place as I try my best to keep the body panels straight and dent free.  I like the comfort but the worry keeps me awake at night.

Bringing you swiftly up to date, I am currently in Florida and next weekend will be setting sail for Rio de Janeiro in Brazil – a good two weeks of hard sailing lay ahead but man am I glad to be back on a sailing boat with their coffin sized beds and work spaces made for midgets – a great new adventure lays ahead and lets not forget, this will be my first time sailing across the equator.  Once I have crossed it, I will be able to watch the water go down the plug hole anti clockwise instead of clockwise.

I just bumped into a guy today that reminded me of Alex Faggotpants down in Kernow.  Some of you will remember Alex as my lodger from Benn Street but for those of you that don’t, look for an old programme on the tv called ‘The Brittas Empire’ and there, disguised as Chris Barry you will see Alex Faggotpants.  Faggot as he is more affectionately known by his closest Rugby chums, was a spitter for Gordon Brittas in looks and mannerisms so imagine my surprise today when I found another doppelgänger here in Fort Lauderdale.

At this point, some words of encouragement please – the missus is running a 20k next weekend, a quick hurrah for her, my sister is also clocking up the miles and Steve Brown has agreed to come and run the next Park Run (www.parkrun.com) so it will be a real gang bang for the next time I am in blighty, there will be me, Steve, Rue, Claire, Sis (still working on that one) and maybe even the missus if she doesn’t quit running the second she crosses the finish line.

For the more loyal readers amongst you, you may remember some years ago I ran a competition for the 20,000th reader to win a new 3 series BMW.  You may also remember an old flame of mine winning the competition but then being disqualified for making me change her name on the blog.  Well, Gary Lineke as I called her post op, won’t be running in this competition and I promise no more name changes ever but in an effort to break the 40,000 hits barrier before my 10th anniversary next year, I am offering 10 absolutely free T-shirts for the first 10 SUBSCRIBED users to leave a comment on THIS post suggesting why they deserve a T-shirt.  There is no catch other than you can only win 1 shirt per subscribed user – I say this because I fully expect Connor to leave 10 comments before anyone else even reads this, you can’t beg one for your significant other, they should subscribe too,  and yes, I fully expect Connor to get a shirt and the other 9 to remain in my wardrobe for the next 10 years.  They will be sent P&P free so even if you are all the way down there in S.A. over in Oz, NZ or the Nordics – you will get one.

 

All up to you – usual rules apply – I make them up as I go along.  Winners are required to send a selfie for posting on The November Archives of them wearing their shirts.

 

 

 

 

 

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24/11/2013

I change the key form C to D you see to me its just a minor thing……

By hairygoose

Most probably the longest title I have ever used, and that statement reminds me of the great Eddie Vedder introducing his song ‘Elderly woman behind the counter in a small town’.  Not that I am comparing my greatness to Mr Vedder but I am curious as to why, in the last 3 days I have had 79 hits form Cyprus to my humble site.

Also had some from Canada and the States too.

So how is Italy? Something of a cluster fuck if I am honest.  The Italian mentality is to flatly deny anything is wrong, and when it is wrong, if you delay long enough – maybe, just maybe the problem will go away on its own.  Now, call me stupid but I have never had a problem go away on its own.  To make matters worse, the boat is italian built so has a shit load of problems.  On top of that, the guy I took over from really hasn’t done much at all, documented even less and I honestly think that he doesn’t intend to return either – he was very keen to leave me his gate pass when he left.

But lets not dwell on that – on Saturday I took Dion the first officer out for a cycle ride.  It was one of those rides where your legs are cramping on the way back and every little hill feels like a mountain.  46 miles and over 8000 feet of climbing later, we got back to the boat.  I say we, I mean I got back here first, had a shower and a coffee, got a little concerned that Dion wasn’t back and headed out to find him.  Thankfully, all was well.  Genoa to Portofino return in just over 4 hours and 17 minutes

So what next – now I have just 4 working weeks left until I break for christmas, Friday 20th December I will jump in my car and head back to Brussels, a short stop for xbox, belgian beer and a run in the woods before I hot foot it to Florida for some winter sunshine courtesy of Virgin Airlines and then head back to Belgium for a week more of xbox, beer and running.

What I am really holding out for – is the end of January when I get February and March off with pay………..and that saddens me.  There used to be a time where I lived and breathed responsibility of keeping a boat alive but now I feel that is slipping and I may be turning into an also ran.

 

 

I don’t want to be an also ran

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20/10/2012

The last of the Summer Wine

By hairygoose

A year has passed since I wrote my note – I should have known it right from the start!

This time last year I weighed in at 115.2 kgs, thats a little over 18 stone, or if my mothers scales are to be believed, close on 18 1/2 stone – or for you septics, 253lbs.

In the last year, I have covered some miles, all under my own steam – 2360 to be more accurate! That equates to over a quarter of a million calories burned in specific exercise. I have ran my longest single distance non stop of 10.2 miles, cycled on my mountain bike for a whopping 51.4 miler and even managed a top speed on the mountain bike of 44.6mph – it is all wholesomely impressive. My trousers have also shrunk somewhat, from a rather lardy 40” waist last October to a now very delicate by comparison 34” waist.

You would hope that with less of a belly, my knob might appear bigger but sadly no. More seriously though, I have logged activities in Belgium, Spain, UK, Antigua, Florida, St. Maarten, Rhode Island, Maine, Nantucket Island, Savannah and most recently Las Vegas with Georgia and the Caribbean looming before christmas.  It has been an incredible journey.  I have also worn out 3 pairs of training shoe in that time, thats over 300 squids worth of footwear! I have 2 new pairs of running shoes safely tucked away under my floor in my cabin – they should last until we get out of the caribbean and back to civilisation.

My original Claude Butler Mountain bike has been retired and I now plough the fields and scatter the good seed on the land with my Specialized instead – but it is fed and watered by gods almighty hand. Yet to be ridden in serious anger, I am becoming one with my new steed, practise indeed for when myself and Mr. Brown meet once more somewhere up on Cannock Chase no doubt.

So what is next I hear you ask? A half Marathon is on the cards, followed some time in the near future by a full marathon but you will have to keep stopping by to see what I am up to, and more importantly, where I am up to it.

Let me leave you with a figure on that weight loss. Today, as I stand here, I tip the scales at………..

92.9kgs   or around 14 stone 8lbs

or (for the septics)

204lbs

 

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