Tag Archives: Caribbean

What – no Top Gear ?

Just settling down for a sunday evening in front of the TV, Sunday 8pm, BBC2 Top Gear – but not tonight.  Seems that Jezza has overstepped the mark.  Poor old fella!  Personally, I think he could be a huge premadonna so I can believe all that I am hearing. I do predict that tomorrow though – the news will be full of stories about Mr Clarkson NOT renewing his contract with the beeb.  To really push the boat out, I reckon Hammond and May will stay on and Top Gear will continue with a similar format.  It does get a bit boring watching them smoking tyres out on dream cars, with the predictable punch lines and especially when they ask the audience if they want to see the lap in the  ‘star in a reasonably priced car’ segment – of course they do………..time for a change I think.  Tonight I am sampling a new program called ‘Off their Rockers’.

More toilet talk – I picked up a pack of Belgium’s finest bog roll the other week, all different designs.  One that took my fancy straight away was a roll with a drawing of a pile of poo on alternate sheets (almost mis-spelled that ), underneath the cartoon pile was the word ‘Happens’.  I kinda liked that – ‘Shit Happens’  quite apt for a toilet roll.  Then I noticed another roll had a cartoon face of a Lion (or Cat – I couldn’t tell which) with the words in Portuguese underneath that translated to ‘ Very Nice to see You’.  I thought that was a bit weird, dragging that across your butt hole but then this week I noticed the best yet.  Pictures of hands making shapes that signified letters of the alphabet – I assumed they were sign language but thankfully, under each drawing of a hand was the letter being signed.  I pulled a few sheets off the roll to reveal the full phrase, I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U  drag that across ring piece of your nearest and dearest to show how much you care.

So recently I have been to-ing and fro-ing from Brussels a lot – late night drives to avoid traffic congestion. Traffic just does my head in and if you plan badly you get traffic on the M25 and also on the RO (the Brussels M25 equivalent) at the other end. Usually this means a 10pm ferry, arriving in Dunkirk at 1am local time followed by a two-hour spurt into Brussels.  The other night I got into some morbid thinking about death on the long run into the ring from Dunkirk.  To perk myself up I started flicking through my iTunes playlist until I found something I really liked.  I found the mighty Biffy Clyro & 27. Singing my heart out I was fully prepared to play it again if it finished before I made it to the house but there was an ace in the pack, a very big ace.

As I approached Stockel Square, Biffy faded out and was replaced by Robbie feckin Williams with ‘Angels’.  It was 3am and I was definitely going to be at the house before this song had finished so I dropped both front windows on the car, pumped up the volume and started singing at the top of my voice.  I had time in hand, that was clear, so I circled the market square 3 times that morning – singing my bollocks off in the most out of tune manner you have ever heard in your life.  Think about the worst karaoke you ever heard – that was me.  It was like holding both middle fingers up to those boring french speaking fuckers of Belgium. IT FELT GOOD!! I hope I woke all of them up.

Friday saw the final chapter in Belgium close as we handed back the house there. I will miss having such a huge forest right on my doorstep but new chapters beckon, new adventures are always just around the corner.  Tonight I went for a run taking in a little amount of road before heading into the fields, aiming for the canal towpath somewhere between Kilsby and Barby.  I did finally make the towpath as the light was fading fast.  I missed a turn halfway down a field and added a good half kilometer to my distance.  My OS maps app didn’t work so I had no choice but to back track and find where I had gone wrong.  Eventually on the tow path, the inevitable happened – I needed a dump !  Now, the non runners amongst you will never understand the link between running and dumping but please be assured there is a legitimate link – I certainly do not have a fetish for dropping a steaming coiler out in the nature – sometimes it just can’t be avoided.  Thankfully this time, I had a packet of Handy Andy’s with me so my underwear and hat were safe.

Staying with running – I did manage a new personal best at Saturday’s Parkrun in Coventry’s War Memorial Park.  I ran my lungs out to take over 45 seconds out of my best time.  I was more than a little miffed though – on the last half of the second lap, two other runners that I correctly guessed were in my age group overtook me.  This is a problem for two reasons.  Firstly, anyone that is older than me or younger than me that is in front of me, is a target. I just can’t be beaten by anyone close by that is older or younger (yes I know that is everyone) but could I catch and pass them before the finish line ? Could I bollocks !  The second reason for this being a problem for me was that as they overtook me – they were having a conversation FFS!  If that is not adding insult to injury, I don’t know what is.  I do wonder though – if they applied my theory of ‘if you have enough air left to talk, you ain’t running hard enough’ – just how fast a time could they make ?  Anyway – I managed a respectable 77th place out of a field of 504 runners but I did get beaten by two chicks, and when I say beaten – I mean given a jolly good arse kicking !

But I keep trying – remember, there are two Great North Runs on my agenda this year.

Next week I return to St Maarten in the Caribbean before setting sail on yet another transatlantic crossing for Mallorca.  Transatlantic crossings are very boring. 16 days or so with not a great deal to do although I always say it’s better to have a boring 16 days than 16 days of fighting for your life.

 


Norma Snockers & Hugh Jewilly

It’s almost time to depart for Brazil but before I go, it wouldn’t be right to leave without a little rant now would it?

Yesterday, while hunting down cheap sunnies in the local ‘mall’ (that’s shopping centre to us native English speakers) I saw something very strange – sand!  Beach sand for sale in a tub. Not just the tubs, there was also a stand outside of the shop with a sign suggesting that you touch it.  Sand for fucks sake, for sale in a shopping centre that.  The only way this situation could get any worse was for an Arab to walk in and buy it all.

Competition winners – from South Africa all the way up the estuary to Bristol.  7 lucky winners will soon be receiving a very limited edition (I am only buying 7) November Archives T-shirt.  The Magnificent 7 are

Lexa T – South Africa

Lana B  – Belgium

Verity S  – Staffs, UK

Lynsey C  – Warks, UK

Rue Y – Warks, UK

Neal W – Warks, UK

Musher G  – Bristol

If you haven’t already given me your address, please let me have it.  T shirts will be dispatched in 28 days.  Wear them with pride and remember the selfie rule for competition entry – all selfies should clearly show the front design and if you are feeling arty, maybe you could show us all a couple of photos of you in full flow wearing your special edition shirts.

Competition is now closed – no further correspondence will be entered into.

Now, back on terra firma – some running milestones this week.  On friday night I decided to run my first half marathon stopping only to drop a log and also to wait for one of the draw bridges to close as some ships passed.  The Missus has also bagged her first 20k run in a hugely respectable 2hrs 23m.  The only time you  normally would see americans run so far and fast is when there is a BOGOF offer at McDonald’s or Lance Armstrong hears there is a sale on at his local Pharmacy. She is 5 years the european now and slowly converting to the correct way of doing things – we just need to work on some spelling and pronunciation issues and all will be peachy !

That’s all for now – my next post (conditions permitting) will be from somewhere in the Caribbean Sea  –  that beats any office job that I know of.

 

 


Young Teen Clunge

selling out?   Me ?  Never, but young teen clunge does attract plenty of traffic to my page, as does ‘Scandinavian beauties’ so lets see what happens in the next couple of days.

I just had a historical read of an old posting from 2008 about Facebook.  Funny how time passes but even back then in 2008 I was ranting about closing the account.  Glad I did too.

I would like to mention the Cooper clan again.  I know the girls are regular readers but now I am proud to announce the parents are also reading too – welcome Mon and John although I wonder if it is just Mr. C that pops in to see whats going on.  Talking of subscriptions, whatever happened to Thornham in Oz and Timothy in S.A. ? Are you ladies still reading?  Better still, closer to home, McCoy (I forget your wedded name).

Now firmly planted in Genoa, I enrolled in Italian language lessons starting next week.  I met the teacher last night, she has a huge pair of tits, unfortunately for her, they are already down by her belly button and I doubt she is 40.  More intriguing than the southerly chest was the gruff, beyond husky voice.  Kind of left me wondering if those huge swinging orbs had more hair on them than my chest but then that wouldn’t be hard now would it? I wonder if she has ever stepped on one of her nipples ?  So my lessons start on Monday and I have already started practising the hand gestures and over pronunciation of the few words of Italian that I already know. Expect me to be more dramatic next time you see me and a less skillful driver – unless of course I am driving a boat near to a small Italian island.

I also contacted the dive school in Rugby about finally taking my instructor exams.  They asked if I had completed the dry suit specialist course as the water at Stoney Cove in February would be around 4ºC.  I did explain that I could always go to the Caribbean and do it there.  Who on earth wants to go diving in 4º water when I am used to mid to late 20’s?

I do want to tempt fate for a moment here – all the ‘negativos’ that talk about how unreliable and crap Range Rovers are – I love my car.  We have now covered 18,000kms without fault.  Of course I lie there, I had to change a side light bulb before leaving Brussels – I am not really counting that in the J.D. Powers customer satisfaction survey.  It is especially lush when it comes to triggering speed cameras, either I am going too fast or the cameras also like the look of the car and want pictures.  A camera in Switzerland recently took a photo of me from the front and the rear – that was very confusing for a moment until I realised what had happened.

Tomorrow, I am hitting the hills of Genoa on my bike.  I have found nothing on line about specific tracks to ride so have had a look at maps and will head out with no particular intention and see what mischief I can get up to.  For those with Runkeeper, be sure to take  look.

 

Until then – I am available for abuse exclusively on my UK phone number

 

 

 


Gérard Depardieu loves Brigitte Bardot

Where was I watching TV the other day and saw big Gérard accepting his new Russian passport?  I don’t really remember where but I do remember watching him struggle to get into one of those traditional Russian gowns that had been made for him. Time hasn’t been good to him now has it?  I also saw Brigitte Bardot threatening to leave France – not for Tax reasons but to highlight the plight of two elephants with TB. Now it`s fair to say if time hasn’t been kind to Gérard, it has certainly beaten Bardot with the ugly stick.

My push for 90 kilos starts in earnest on 3rd Feb.  I signed on to a fat burning programme for two months via Runkeeper. I will be boring you with my progress as I aim for my ultimate target.  Luckily for me, I have February here in Antigua and March between England and Belgium so I will be having fun.  Running or doing anything here in the heat of the Caribbean is a challenge, the cooler climes of Europe will be a welcome change. I am looking forward to running in the forest in Belgium, hopefully in the rain too.

I need some help.  I have a little running route here in Antigua that I use for strength training.  With the skipper and his missus the other week we managed a time of 22’30” but the closest I can get to that on my own is 45” slower. My theory is to use some raging beats to help me improve.  Naturally I am swinging toward the Prodigy but there must be others out there too, I need 24 minutes of uplifting tunes but not so uplifting that I blow my heart apart. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

The final preparations are beginning for the Super Yacht Racing here in Antigua this week.  The boss arrives tomorrow and the race crew are slowly emerging over the next few days.  I have seen the Jams World shirts that arrived in the post this week – the loudest Hawaiian shirts money can buy – and proper Jams too  – I will be proudly sporting mine when the time is right.

Tomorrow morning I will be sneaking into the hotel gym again to get a 45 minute session on their rowing machine.  I didn’t get busted last time so fingers crossed I can get away with it again.

There is a yank on the boat right now, she has been here for maybe three hours and talked non stop – of course being American, she is not quiet.  I am convinced that she hasn’t drawn a breath since arriving yet the drivel that is coming out of her mouth is a complete waste of everyone’s time. It’s like, so, whatever, you know ! I have had to come to my cabin and close the door to get away from it – and I am not the only one!  The United States of Whatever!

That said, it does look like a trip back to Europe is on the cards in April and we should be there until the end of the year.  I did offer my support to the boss during her last visit for a trip to Asia – that would be very cool if it came off but we will have to wait and see, most likely will just spend the summer on Nantucket once more.

Anyway – I am bored now, lets see whats on TV – BBC iplayer is a nice tool to have

 

 

 

 

 

 


The last of the Summer Wine

A year has passed since I wrote my note – I should have known it right from the start!

This time last year I weighed in at 115.2 kgs, thats a little over 18 stone, or if my mothers scales are to be believed, close on 18 1/2 stone – or for you septics, 253lbs.

In the last year, I have covered some miles, all under my own steam – 2360 to be more accurate! That equates to over a quarter of a million calories burned in specific exercise. I have ran my longest single distance non stop of 10.2 miles, cycled on my mountain bike for a whopping 51.4 miler and even managed a top speed on the mountain bike of 44.6mph – it is all wholesomely impressive. My trousers have also shrunk somewhat, from a rather lardy 40” waist last October to a now very delicate by comparison 34” waist.

You would hope that with less of a belly, my knob might appear bigger but sadly no. More seriously though, I have logged activities in Belgium, Spain, UK, Antigua, Florida, St. Maarten, Rhode Island, Maine, Nantucket Island, Savannah and most recently Las Vegas with Georgia and the Caribbean looming before christmas.  It has been an incredible journey.  I have also worn out 3 pairs of training shoe in that time, thats over 300 squids worth of footwear! I have 2 new pairs of running shoes safely tucked away under my floor in my cabin – they should last until we get out of the caribbean and back to civilisation.

My original Claude Butler Mountain bike has been retired and I now plough the fields and scatter the good seed on the land with my Specialized instead – but it is fed and watered by gods almighty hand. Yet to be ridden in serious anger, I am becoming one with my new steed, practise indeed for when myself and Mr. Brown meet once more somewhere up on Cannock Chase no doubt.

So what is next I hear you ask? A half Marathon is on the cards, followed some time in the near future by a full marathon but you will have to keep stopping by to see what I am up to, and more importantly, where I am up to it.

Let me leave you with a figure on that weight loss. Today, as I stand here, I tip the scales at………..

92.9kgs   or around 14 stone 8lbs

or (for the septics)

204lbs

 


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