Monthly Archives: July 2008

Today i got it right…..

After what i can only describe as a shite call this morning for Amado, i made complete amends by heading to Arrifana at 16.30 this afternoon.
Busy as you like with groms but it is a stunning setting to surf in your shorts, so i did………result!!!
I love getting to my feet first and whistling everyone else off the wave, it gives me so much satisfaction, even if i do completely fudge the wave afterwards.
Last night i watched a little of Fred Dibnah – The ups and downs of chimneys.  You have to watch this guy sticking his ladders up the side of a 200 foot chimney with nothing more than a chisel, hemp rope, metal spikes and some old wooden ladders – i was shitting myself just watching the dude, he was so chilled out sitting atop his ladders talking to the camera at close to 200 feet up.
After that i watched a couple of chapters of singlefin:yellow – all i can say is watch it.  It is right up there with endless summer for quality – amazing footwork on those big old boards, my nipples go hard and i shiver when i watch it.
Tonight, i am gonna knock the top off a few beers with fred!

Today – I got it wrong!!!

Not the best call of my life but it was the first day back at the beach after a 6 day excursion.
Hit Amado this morning while the tide was on the push.  A good size wave, maybe a little too big for the long board but i thought that patience might prevail.  I waited until it was almost high tide to see if it calmed down any but it didn’t.  Over head, steep and fast – not longboard territory at all.  The short board boys and the bodyboarders were having their time, mine, will come soon.
Will try Arrifana at sunset to see if it is worth looking at – something tells me i could be onto a result.

overdue – blog blog blog

Been a while i know, i offer my sincere appologies – but i have been away, back in blighty for five days!  Had a very busy schedule while i was there too.  Thursday night, i took the sex pest to the strip bar – bought him a super slippery lap dance with one of the girls, his face on return was an absolute picture, white as a sheet and stiff as a board (not in his pants though)  I think she scared the living crap out of him.
Friday was dentist time – i love it, these chicks are so gentle with me – have to go back for a filling in september too – treatment is heavenly!!
Saturday was Mr. Richers wedding.  It is a cliche i know, but his bride did actually look stunning.  Lots of my friends were there so catching up was easy and of course a pleasure.
Sunday, BBQ for georgias 14th birthday – a family affair, calm and sedate or at least it was when i left.
Monday was my day off although it soon dissappeared under a cloud of things i must do.  I did manage to forget a few things though.  Wratchet spanners for the mason jones in mallorca, squeezing heavily pregnant Kelly Gurnseys breasts, a new front number plate for my car and some custard for Celia in lisbon.
Seems i took the weather with me too, at least until the early hours of tuesday morning when i was driving back to heathrow – it absolutely hammered down but i did enjoy that too.  England is blissfully green and overgrown, you do forget how green it is after living in the desert out here.
Technology too, tonight i had a friend request from my mum on facebook – and she is officially a pensioner!!!  I had to decline the web cam request – being in a bar is never good for band width.
This afternoon i cleaned up my boards.  Completely stripping the wax off them, wiping with white spirit and re-waxing the big one at least.  High tide is around 13.30 tomorrow so a 9am arrival at the beach is required.  I am set for a surf in my shorts for a couple of hours before the tourists get there.  will be tanned and toned by tomorrow afternoon. I love it.  I paid so much attention to my boards this afternoon that  Nuno couldn’t believe it.  I am sure if Marple was watching me, she would have been amused by it too, if not a little miffed also.
Spoke with a very old friend earlier on facebook too.  she tells me she is out here with her family in a couple of weeks, i hope she has time to say hello while she is here – i havent seen her in years- Jo Beach, take  bow!!!
Havent heard from max in a while – sometimes i wonder if she is still alive but then i guess thats what happens when you live in leicester.  Tonight, i am having an early night.  I have my Fred Dibnah box set to start on.  It’s an engineer thing, most of you just wouldn’t understand – does it actually run?  i am sure Jones the cock will fully appreciate them too.
My friend Anna gave me a tip off too for some work in the states – you never know quite what will happen.
Tomorrow i will have a thousand stories to tell of surfing in my shorts so be sure to stop by soon.
Before i leave, let me just let off a bit of steam – FACEBOOK!!  why do people send me friend requests when i have never met them ?  Today i had a request from a girl i don’t know.  She had over 1100 ‘friends’ listed!!!!!!   also,  I have been stalked by a german girl for a few weeks now, sending me gifts and shit.  She finally stopped when i told her i liked anal sex and wondered if she did too.  If you send a friend request to someone you don’t know, i figure you are fair game for some abuse in return.
My copy of ‘Singlefin- Yellow’ arrived today – now all i need is a multi region DVD player
Authors footnote – this one goes out to Gary Lineke who sent me a garbled message the other day – i responded by saying that ‘it sounds like you have a man in your life’ , to which i received no reply – maybe i was right after all – where are you Gary ?

All Peachy !!

Oh yes I did it again – Britney stylie
Yesterday, scored yet another day at Armado, only this time, a couple of hours in my shorts !!!
Four days of activity has left me somewhat shattered, much to Marple’s dissappointment last night (and this morning).  Surfing in shorts in cool water poses  few problems that i need to share with you.
1.  your old man and nut sack shrivel to pre pubescent sizes
2.  Your nipples stay rock hard for ages and then rub in the sand that is impregnated into your surf wax leaving them as sore as hell
although it also brings bonuses too
1.  You get one hell of a tan (you english muckers will see what i mean next week)
2.  Marple applies fancy cream to your nipples
3.  Marple applies cream to her nipples too to try it out – and lets me watch !!!
I did get stabbed in my back too, that monster fin caught me while i was caught on the inside.  Wierd thing is, it didn’ t make it all the way through my wetsuit but it did make it through my skin.
Just finished work at the bar for the day, that should rack the food tokens up for a week.  Tomorrow i am going to hit  Armado again in the morning before marple arrives for the night.  I am out of wax and it is too late to buy any now but my ordered copy of ‘ A Clockwork Orange’ arrived today so tonight i will watch that and see what all the fuss was about.
Also into the second season of heroes at the moment, very cool.  Watched series three of weeds while in palma so am almost up to date.
Stand by for a weekend of action

Lucky man!

I have just scored my third sucessive day at Armado with near perfect longboard conditions.
I am so completely knackered that i might fall asleep while i am writing.
I love longboard waves for a couple of reasons…
1.  I ride a long board – doh!
2.  shortboard tossers can’t catch the wave or they can but catch it much later than me so i have priority.
It always makes me chuckle.  I get in the water where no-one is.  As soon as they see me standing up, they paddle over and try for my waves.  They always seem too stupid to notice the size of my board and try for everything but catch nothing – while i on the other hand can catch all of them!!
For the uneducated, the rules of priority go like this
1st.  Furthest out
2nd.  Nearest the curl
3rd.  First to their feet (but don’t call it until you are on your feet)
After my mamouth third consecutive session, i chugged home in the car along my favourite stretch of road surrounded by pine and eucalyptus trees, the sun beating through the gaps, air con on full and some funny tunes.  It was one of those blissful moments that we all work so hard to find.
I stopped in Vila do Bispo for a coffee and a mamouth piece of chocolate cake – life’s been good to me so far!
Yesterday finished in perfection too.  After my surf session, i met Frannie at the beach bar on Tonel.  We sat sipping Sangria as the day finished, just a shame the bar closed before sunset.
Tomorrow, i am hoping for more of the same, only tomorrow night will end with a sunset and Marple!
Heavenly Days

Perfect Mondays



I feel compelled to write


It was just one of those perfect Mondays.  You don’t get them with your average 9 to 5 but I aint Mr. Average now am I ?


It started almost on schedule at 07.20am, I was up, dressed (well shorts anyway) and out by 07.30 with both groovy boards on the car – destination Arrifana.


I made it in good time, the drive through the twisty roads, pine and eucalyptus forests always inspirational, just as the sun was getting out of bed, sweet tunes pulsing from my quadraphonic in car audio (apparently Natalie Embruglia is torn!!  I really dig her songs, they remind me so much of summer).  I was delayed briefly for a galao in Vila do Bispo but only momentarily .


The call I made of being there from low on the push was a good one, a calm and clean metre and no-one else in sight.  Two dudes beat me to it though, while I was getting the neoprene gimp suit on, they walked past and into my surf – bloody tourists!!


I had 20 minutes of adult fun until, as if by magic ( the shopkeeper appeared – Mr. Ben!) the waves were turned off!! Gutted….I waited a while to see if they would reform as the tide pushed in even further but no such luck.  As a consolation, I was treated to two breast heavy Portuguese beauties donning their swim wear – you really don’t get many of those to the pound, not even in the metric system!!


I left Arrifana reasonably content, the ETR ratio was good, the PSP had been left well behind at home and the PMA was alive.  Next stop – Armado.  Always reliable , and offering something, today would be no disappointment.  Pulled on the gimp suit and jumped into the rip behind the rocks to help spit me out beyond the line up.


Had a couple of decent waves before it got too heavy and steep for a pranche grande !!  Keep stalling the damn thing, can’t quite find the tail when I need to turn – well it is 12’’ further back than I am used to.


It got a bit heavy after that so I sat it out for an hour and a half to see if the dropping tide would work in my favour – as expected, it didn’t.


I decided to head back to Arrifana again to see if the dropping tide had brought back the wave that disappeared too quickly this morning – no joy – flatter than a witches tit!!


Next stop Tonel – that was complete wank !!


I finally decided to call it a day and headed to Vila do Bispo to buy a rather cool BBQ.  Next stop Lidl – and that’s where it all went wrong.


Lidl was invented so that chavs and spastics can shop too!  What a nightmare – I had forgotten just how backward the Algarve can be.  Did you ever see the Victor Meldrew special? One foot in the Algarve – I tell you most of the time it aint far from the truth.


So here’s the deal, I join a queue, only one queue as there is only one cashier open.  The German couple at the head of the queue start loading their stuff.  The porky in front of me abandons her trolley in the line with two dozen bottles of water in it to return to shopping. I push it to one side and move forward, she returns………… I tell you, I wasn’t in the mood for practicing my Portuguese and I was ready for a well qualified , old England ‘Fuck Off’ if she was going to say anything……luckily for her, she kept quiet but did return to the queue behind me.  The queue now had grown to half the shops length – still only one check out open.


The German dude tries to pay with his credit card – no joy, Portuguese cards only, he tries another and then has to go to his car to get the PIN number.  The card reader then declines the card because he entered the wrong PIN.  He tries to explain that it must be the other number he has stored in the phone but the multibanco won’t give him another go – off he goes to get cash!  Finally , another check out was opened – only because the shop wasn’t long enough for the one queue they already had.


I get to the car park and start loading my car.  I see water ladies trolley abandoned again in the car park, with just water in it.  Turns out she had pushed it to the first row of cars and then decided to walk it to her own car in the next row – RETARD!!!


I forgot beer, so I head to the Alisuper in Raposeira, grab a 12 pack and then head to Roddies for a quick Imperial – had a quick chat with Pedro the builder and then home to fire up the BBQ.


The BBQ has a grill and above that a fish rack for grilling I guess sardines.  The porkies love ‘em – they are to sardines as Adolf Hitler was to Jews!!  I didn’t have any fish so loaded three monster pieces of chicken into the rack instead.  When things really got cooking I noticed the fumes that were burning off from the glossy black paint – all over my lovely tender chicken.  I doubt that they have health and safety regulations here that cover the use of toxic paint on cooking equipment so I will forfeit the chicken.  I will feed it to the neighbours cat, if the little fucker is still alive in the morning, I will know I wasted the chicken.  I hate that damn cat!!


So finally, I am fed, beer’d and content with the days activities.


Marple returns on Wednesday – that chick sure looks hot in a pair of wellies, next time she has them on , I promise to capture the moment – ah, Kodak






Authors footnote – I love these but I do often wonder how many of you read them.  You may have guessed that this entry was written under the influence of three beers.  So let me add, the German dudes wife looked incredibly like Fat Pat.  So much so that I did a double take with a bit of a stare – and she caught me – at least she smiled and I wasn’t drooling at the same time.  I did also overhear a girl talking in Lidl, an American accent.  I can’t tell you how tight my ass checks clenched when I heard it, memories of my one and only American girlfriend experience, combined with boat chicks – never again…..  I would also like to say hello to Max, who surprised me with a comment on my last passage only one day after I entered it – hurrah to Max!  And finally, the last comment of a rather large entry goes to Gary Lineke (name changed to protect the innocent)  Not only has she still not claimed her prize of a free BMW but now I think she is loved up with some American dude – you too will learn a valuable lesson!!!  Oh I almost forgot, ETR Ratio = Effort to reward ratio, PSP = pre surf poo and PMA = positive mental attitude….


sunday surf session

Foiled – due to lack of surf
tomorrow morning i am taking a chance on Ariffana but it means an early start.  up at 07.00 which for me at the moment is a good 3 hours before my normal rising time.  Head north a little and take my chance.  All of the beaches have changed a lot since i was last here but i am banking on my old plan of two hours after low tide, usually gives a window of an hour and a half of good shaped surf.
Predictions for the west coast tomorrow are around a metre and a half so i am expecting to find a metre at ariffana, clean and no wind due to the shelter from the headland.  fingers crossed for a perfect morning session.
washed the car today and treated it to a new pair of wiper blades and also changed the key lock box on the roof.  after four years, the old one is siezing up too much to open to get my key out.
watched the WTC on tv this afternoon, the portuguese round from estoril, up by lisbon, the local guy won the race too so all is peachy.  Seat turbo diesels outpacing BMW’s – whatever next?  I wonder if they will let me enter my trusty turbo diesel intercooled 405 estate ?  i could even leave my boards on the roof too.
ah well – wish me well for the beach tomorrow, not quite a dawnie but still early

Does this make sense to you?

Or is it only in england ?  I can rent a car for a month for around 650€ but when i try and find a B&B for the same amount of time, it costs around 1000€.
Oh bugger it, i am off to the beach for the day

Drunk football referee

Work safe – this you have to see,
a drunk referee at a football game in Belarus

Dive Dive Dive – but watch out for fish poo!!!

Fish poo too – remember that next time you are in the ocean.  Today i watched and probably intimidated a little fella while he was squeezing one out.  Only thing was, he was having big problems pinching it off.  The result – the longest cling on i have ever seen.
Of course, all of us as kids have watched fish in tanks having a poo but i have never seen one hang on for so long, infact when i left, he was still straining at the gills to clench up and cut it off – the longest fish poo in modern history.
Even the cuttle fish i saw next said he was impressed with it!!
I am now completely shattered after an afternoon of rescue dive training.  Bloody hard work pulling concious and semi concious people out of the water, i fear an early night coming on again.
Tomorrow, i will have a surf and finish installing the new handwash station at the Warung – Sagres.  The day and the weekend are mine.

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