Monthly Archives: January 2017

I wish those fucktards would stay away.

But they wont will they?  Seems the BBC has employed more than their fair share – I guess that’s what you get for being politically correct? 5% of your employees must be one eyed lesbians, another 5% fucktards, 3% retired ice cream vendors with a dog named Patch who lost a testicle in the Vietnam War etc etc etc.

So the article in question – I was reading the news yesterday and saw a piece about an earth quake in Italy that had triggered an avalanche.  I understand that I may not be the sharpest tool in the box but this……?

Earthquakes cannot be predicted with precision but seismologists had suspected this particular area of central Italy would experience another batch of serious tremors sooner or later

Now, if there were an award for vague predictions, this would definitely get second prize.  Second only to a weather girl I watched once (on the BBC) who made the startling prediction that 2013 had a 50% chance of being a hotter year than 2012.  I hope her parents hadn’t invested too much in her maths degree.  To have the two options of hotter or colder clearly is a 50/50 situation, or in other terms 50%.  Turns out she had told us bugger all.

But sooner or later ?  Come on FFS – that isn’t rocket science.  It isn’t really even a prediction is it.  It’s reality.


Lightening the load a little.  My Samsung Galaxy S7 Edge experiment has been boxed for now.  I was trialling a very lush looking Samsung while here for two reasons.  I have been intrigued by the Samsung for a long time now and secondly, having a local SIM in a different phone meant that I could still use iMessage to communicate with the rest of the world.

As beautiful as the Samsung is, I have struggled with its functionality.  Not that Android is no good, my problem lies with the shite internet connections I have to suffer while working at sea.  I need to investigate more about how to use the phone at its best and that just isn’t possible with a sht connection.

So now it is boxed, fully charged and ready to try again when in blighty or sell on to a lucky bleeder that will get a £625 phone for a smidge over £400 I suspect.

I went back to the iPhone 6s after trying for hours to get photos off the Samsung onto a work computer so that I could order parts.  Certain that the flaw was the internet speeds but I couldn’t plug the Samsung into the Mac and draw the photos off and that pissed me off!!!!!

That said – I did really adore the Samsung – a very pretty phone and with an expanded memory of 232GB – plenty of music could be had if only I could figure out how to store it on the SD card !!!!!

When the world is full of guff

I had the exquisite pleasure just the other day to read about the Aston Martin DB11.  It was a joyous moment as I opened an article on the wonderous BBC website that promised photos and blurb of what I was expecting to be a very sexy beast indeed.  The pride of Britain as it used to be and the latest in the David Brown line as it were.  then this twat appeared………

By Matthew Phenix
23 September 2016
I generally despise first-person car reviews. Particularly when the vehicle in question is expensive, or fast, or both, these stories can quickly devolve into oily billets-doux of the writer’s preternatural giftedness behind the wheel. Or, worse, they become obnoxiously self-deprecating confessionals of their doubtful worthiness in the face of such blinding automotive majesty. So it is with no small amount of consternation that, after stewing over the Aston Martin DB11 for weeks after driving the car, I have decided to approach my take on it from the shameless first-person perspective.


Well Matthew Phenix – seems to me that you are something of a cock, bordering on complete fucktard.  This was the first paragraph of your Aston review and quite frankly – it was so shite that I never even made it to the first picture.  That’s the modern day equivalent of buying a copy of Readers Wives and only looking at the ads in the back for blow up dolls !!!  Younger readers will not understand what Readers Wives is all about – god bless the world before internet porn !!!

I was left scratching my head and not only thinking ‘WTF have I just read’? but also ‘WTF did it mean’?

Now it’s not enough that these weedy little tossers get to fool around in such nice cars while the rest of us have to suffer  (or enjoy in my case) £300 Volvos but they also have to spout a complete load of bollocks in order to try to make themselves appear more educated than the likes of you and me.

I blame Top Gear, and even Jeremy Clarkson.  See, these wanky little farts would just love to be a top line car journalist.  They have watched the likes of Hammond, May and Clarkson having bucket loads of fun over the years and making a mint whilst doing it.  Then all of a sudden, the top slots are free and available.  Every wanna be journo is creeping out of the woodwork with big fancy words and foolish comparisons.

To really keep them on edge, the initial replacement presenters (or two of them at least) were shit and most likely need replacing again !

Now you see, I much prefered 5th Gear and the ever so saucy minx Vicky Butler-Henderson.  I had the pleasure once of meeting said VBH at Le Mans maybe 15 years ago – she was ever so much the minx in real life as she was on the TV.

Drifting gently out of my dream sequence with VBH, back at my laptop..


So Journos – stop with the shit and speak English.  It’s the same in the damn iTunes store when you are looking at the review of an album.  I once read a review of a new Skunk Anansie album a few years back.  They had just reformed and were sounding sublime as ever but some fool had to write this crap



I think I better go and listen to some Birdy and calm down



See back in the day, I can remember if you drove through Newport Pagnell at the right time, you would see the men at Aston Martin pushing a body shell from the body shop on one side of the road, across through the traffic and into the engine shop on the other side.

Body panels hand rolled and each engine bearing a little plate with the name of the guy that built it from scratch.  Now that would be more satisfying than a years subscription to Readers Wives.


Ahhh – Back in the day !

It’s been emotional !

Hectic, is something of an understatement.

I arrived in Thailand on Saturday 17th, a little tired after two back to back six and a half hour flights.

The boat was in the Marina waiting for me, on the ‘Punishment Dock’, so called as it is the furthest point from the entry to the marina and you are on foot. Still, having been on my arse for the previous 13 hours, a little walk might do me good.

Boat not looking too shabby, my first time on a Trinity – made in the good old US of A – Fuck Yeah!

It has suffered at the hands of a previous engineer who I have crossed paths with before, a real dick head – and that’s putting it politely.  The outgoing engineer who had taken over from him, I felt sorry for.  He was completely fried, nerves shot and clearly in need of escape.  A combination of things I guess.  A younger fella who had previously worked as a second, never a chief, so a lot more responsibility but also having to deal with the mess that the dick head had inevitably left behind after two years or more of doing sweet F.A.

A new Captain started a year ago and very quickly got the measure of the dick head and fired him.  The most recent guy had tried to catch up but due to a very busy schedule, I suspect, has not had the time to get to grips with everything.

Anyway – this had all mounted up to a point where I stepped on board and took over.

07:00 on 23rd December, we dropped lines for the first time and headed out towards our pick up, 10 days with 6 guests, en route for Burma, or is it Myanmar?

Not problem free though, and pretty much immediately after leaving, problems started to arise.  The night before we left, I still had the engine contractors on board with a non running engine up until almost midnight.  Thankfully, that team of four Thai engineers worked their rings off to get me back on the road.

Air con not cold enough – hardly surprising with only 2 of the 5 systems working correctly.  Hydraulic oil temperatures too high and activating alarms, Air compressors shut down without warning and as a special christmas day present, a newly rebuilt generator shut down while on load and dumped some of its coolant out.

It was going to be a mission for sure.  I was working my guts out just to keep the boat navigable.

There is one huge benefit though – a single cabin all to myself, with a proper size bed.  It seems that no matter how tired I get, a sleep in the full size bed is a delight to behold.  I am glad I didn’t opt for the sailing boat !

Of course, there is the question of internet connections as always.  Crew seem to think that it is a right of passage that the owner will spend 4k a month on an internet connection so that they can continually post shite to Facebook.  Thankfully on this boat, both of the Captains share my thought on Internet use, that being the crews use should be restricted, especially when the owner is on board and his connection is shit slow.  So we have a clever little control unit on board that allows us to control who can access the net and when.

Up in Burma though, none of the Thai mobile phones are working, nor is my English one so comms is proving to be a bit of a mission.  That said, thinking back to 2012, I was still crossing the Atlantic without internet – a 16 day trip at best – these youngsters just don’t know they are born – I am getting questions now because they have not had access for 2 days………!

Back to Thailand for the 1st January and a 4 day turn around until the next guests arrive for another 5 day trip although I am told the next guests generally move around less.  The party we have now, move three times a day at least.

Burma was stunning.  That is coming from someone as well travelled as me – by far the most beautiful place I have ever seen – bar none!

Imagine my dismay when we are anchored in a bay with not another single boat in sight, there are three beaches a short paddle from us, all without a single soul on them and all of the guests are sitting in the main salon with their heads buried in their smart phones – all of them, without exception.

The boat is fully equipped with Jet Skis, Water skis, wake boards, flying wings, inflatable slide from the upper deck to the water, Scuba gear, paddle boards and two RIBS for them to use – but they opt for the dumbest activity possible.

I am not sure when I will get to post this to the blog but I wanted to write something so made it today (28th December) and will upload whenever there is a good internet connection.

Still aiming for a month off in April – I can tell you I will be well in need of it by then


So today, I finally got into civilian clothes, the first time since the 17th of December !!  It feels good.  The boss left yesterday but not before leaving each individual with an 18,000 baht tip.  18,000 baht sounds a lot more than it is but I always remember that I work on a privately owned ship, not a charter vessel where tips are a regular occurence but the salaries are less.  I was more than happy – I had worked my rough nuts off keeping the boat going for 10 days but he already pays me well – to be tipped anything is a huge recognition of appreciation.

In real terms – I have been here for two weeks now and not needed to spend a single penny. In fact, until I got my tip, I didn’t even have any local currency.  So that 18,000 baht will probably still be in my wallet in a couple of months time when I break for a holiday.

Christmas and New Year passed in just a moment – I didn’t really miss it.  It is weird though, how as you get older, it begins to mean less and less.  I am not sure how much I ever believed that a lady could get pregnant without shagging and that three chaps could follow a star to Bethlehem and accurately pinpoint which stable the star was hovering over.  I mean come on, in astrological terms – it just doesn’t work.

That said – I did have a moment a couple of weeks ago – you know those moments of clarity – walking through an airport with your ear buds in when an absolutely stonking tune comes on. Riding the escalator up to arrivals in Doha Airport when this little tune came on………..enjoy

You may remember me writing about Naughty Boy a couple of years ago……..turn it up – listen loud!




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