Tag Archives: thailand

And as quick as a flash

It was gone – 5 weeks of holiday disappeared in the blink of an eye.  In my terms, an unproductive month to say the least – or was it ….?

I was a little miffed that I didn’t get to see my old mucker and avid reader Conor over in Northampton, but I did get to catch up with some other good old buggers so it wasn’t a complete write off. I really wanted to have a rip in his bug but will have to be next time now.

I am in the luxury of an Ibis Budget hotel at Birmingham airport with a pint of John Smith’s Smooth, reminiscing over the last month or so.  I must confess that I thought maybe I had gone the whole month without writing a page here but then I saw the last post which was most definitely this month with the knee photos and the killer Courtney Love vid.

Glad to say that the knee is making a great recovery now and better still, the doc and the physio think I could be running again in 3 months – that would be absofuckinglutely fabulous – I miss running.  My waistline does too  – without those extra calorie burns, I am a good 7kgs too heavy – that’s a stone and a little bit to you old timers!

Now, I did have the absolute pleasure of meeting a very tasty young lady while I was off.  See, when you get to my age, it’s all MILF’s and GILF’s – I am very VERY pleased to say I have encountered my very first GILF and thoroughly enjoying it!  I am also hoping it will be my only GILF encounter if you fully understand what I mean.  Can’t tell you too much right now but as things unravel, I will share more.  Needless to say she is smoking hot and has my fullest attention.

Moving on from nurses, let’s talk about eBay for a moment.  You may remember me putting my beloved Range Rover up for sale.  Inevitably I got the usual spaztards with the ’10 grand cash by the weekend’ bollocks – I don’t play well with spaztards if I am honest – so imagine this – some complete wanker messages me simply saying ‘£8000?’  That was it – his whole complete message.

Naturally I had an epiphany and responded exactly as such an insult deserved.  Screen dump below – read it from the bottom up – he even had the audacity to call me a gentleman afterwards – the prick !


I think you might call that ‘not suffering fools gladly’ ??

So tomorrow morning I start the long hard slog back to Thailand.  I still have no idea where I will meet the boat but will rest easy in the first class section of both legs of the flight – actually, come to think of it, I still need to find a hotel for Tuesday night.

A couple of days in Thailand and then we head to Singapore.  It’s all new to me but there is one thing I am extremely mindful of.  There is a section of the trip that runs through the Straights of Malacca – now apparently this is rife with piracy so please keep an eye on the news to see if we make it safely through.  If you hear about some mad English fool that used a home made flame thrower to fight off a pirate attack – that will most definitely be me!  If I don’t make it out alive – don’t send flowers but do drink a Belgian beer or two!

After surviving Singapore for a couple of months, we sail for Bali – Are you at all jealous yet ?

Special thanks to those who came out to the Merchants Inn on Friday night – it was good to see each and every one of you.  Thanks for the beer and the hang over that followed.

Trump Politics

The first thing I intend to do when I get home for my first break is to sit quietly with an ice-cold glass of Cravendale semi skimmed milk and a full size packet of McVities Chocolate Digestives fresh out of the fridge and eat as much as I can – you see, it’s the simple pleasures in life that are important.

Let’s talk Trump for a moment. I like this guy for the simple reason that each morning when I open the news pages on the internet, there will be a very amusing story about what Trump has been up to the previous day – politics has never been so colourful – not in my lifetime anyway.

Ok, that may come as a shock to a few, first Brexit, then Trump but I am also expecting the dutch to vote for Geert Wilders in a couple of months time and then Marine Le Pen to finish a close second in her elections. The face of Europe is changing.

Lets talk Asia for a moment. I have started a little photo album over to the right. I will add photos as I can – the problem is, there is so much stunning scenery yet I am fully aware how shite scenery photos can look – So I will try to get creative. I can’t help but avoid one or two scenery shots but I will try to keep them to a minimum. Apart from that, in almost 2 months of being here, I have had just 3 hours to myself off the boat. It has been a busy busy time. I have now had a chat with each Captain and told them that this level of use with lack of maintenance is not sustainable and if I can’t win the maintenance game, I won’t play (obviously I put it more diplomatic than that).

I hope to get some time out soon so that I can head to the local red light district of Patong. It is here I intend to set the scene for ‘Lady Boy or Lady Girl’. This is a new game I am developing for you pale faces back home. My intention is to present to you 10 photos of the local hookers, you just need to guess which is which. I am not too sure if any of the hookers will be happy to let me take photos of them touting for business – I rather suspect I will have to buy them each a drink at the over inflated bars’ prices where they work. Either that or I will get beaten to death by handbags.

Obviously this game is dependent on me actually getting off the boat, which, for the first two months has proved impossible. I managed 3 hours the other weekend when I made it to Nai Yang where I had breakfast overlooking the beach and then a half hour Thai massage ( no happy ending!). I did thoroughly enjoy it if I am honest. I was a little surprised when I realised the masseuse was actually standing on my thighs and arse cheeks – but when in Rome !

I land in the UK on the 22nd March – it would be good to head to the Merchants for a beer. Let me know what you think. I also have a local number here in Thailand for those that don’t know it yet. +66 634 977 489 – works great (free) with iMessage and equally free with Skype.

Just had another tip today – that brings the grand total to 27,000 baht since I got here in mid December. No time to get off and spend it means it could be in my wallet for a long long time

love you long time – $5 fucky fucky

It’s been emotional !

Hectic, is something of an understatement.

I arrived in Thailand on Saturday 17th, a little tired after two back to back six and a half hour flights.

The boat was in the Marina waiting for me, on the ‘Punishment Dock’, so called as it is the furthest point from the entry to the marina and you are on foot. Still, having been on my arse for the previous 13 hours, a little walk might do me good.

Boat not looking too shabby, my first time on a Trinity – made in the good old US of A – Fuck Yeah!

It has suffered at the hands of a previous engineer who I have crossed paths with before, a real dick head – and that’s putting it politely.  The outgoing engineer who had taken over from him, I felt sorry for.  He was completely fried, nerves shot and clearly in need of escape.  A combination of things I guess.  A younger fella who had previously worked as a second, never a chief, so a lot more responsibility but also having to deal with the mess that the dick head had inevitably left behind after two years or more of doing sweet F.A.

A new Captain started a year ago and very quickly got the measure of the dick head and fired him.  The most recent guy had tried to catch up but due to a very busy schedule, I suspect, has not had the time to get to grips with everything.

Anyway – this had all mounted up to a point where I stepped on board and took over.

07:00 on 23rd December, we dropped lines for the first time and headed out towards our pick up, 10 days with 6 guests, en route for Burma, or is it Myanmar?

Not problem free though, and pretty much immediately after leaving, problems started to arise.  The night before we left, I still had the engine contractors on board with a non running engine up until almost midnight.  Thankfully, that team of four Thai engineers worked their rings off to get me back on the road.

Air con not cold enough – hardly surprising with only 2 of the 5 systems working correctly.  Hydraulic oil temperatures too high and activating alarms, Air compressors shut down without warning and as a special christmas day present, a newly rebuilt generator shut down while on load and dumped some of its coolant out.

It was going to be a mission for sure.  I was working my guts out just to keep the boat navigable.

There is one huge benefit though – a single cabin all to myself, with a proper size bed.  It seems that no matter how tired I get, a sleep in the full size bed is a delight to behold.  I am glad I didn’t opt for the sailing boat !

Of course, there is the question of internet connections as always.  Crew seem to think that it is a right of passage that the owner will spend 4k a month on an internet connection so that they can continually post shite to Facebook.  Thankfully on this boat, both of the Captains share my thought on Internet use, that being the crews use should be restricted, especially when the owner is on board and his connection is shit slow.  So we have a clever little control unit on board that allows us to control who can access the net and when.

Up in Burma though, none of the Thai mobile phones are working, nor is my English one so comms is proving to be a bit of a mission.  That said, thinking back to 2012, I was still crossing the Atlantic without internet – a 16 day trip at best – these youngsters just don’t know they are born – I am getting questions now because they have not had access for 2 days………!

Back to Thailand for the 1st January and a 4 day turn around until the next guests arrive for another 5 day trip although I am told the next guests generally move around less.  The party we have now, move three times a day at least.

Burma was stunning.  That is coming from someone as well travelled as me – by far the most beautiful place I have ever seen – bar none!

Imagine my dismay when we are anchored in a bay with not another single boat in sight, there are three beaches a short paddle from us, all without a single soul on them and all of the guests are sitting in the main salon with their heads buried in their smart phones – all of them, without exception.

The boat is fully equipped with Jet Skis, Water skis, wake boards, flying wings, inflatable slide from the upper deck to the water, Scuba gear, paddle boards and two RIBS for them to use – but they opt for the dumbest activity possible.

I am not sure when I will get to post this to the blog but I wanted to write something so made it today (28th December) and will upload whenever there is a good internet connection.

Still aiming for a month off in April – I can tell you I will be well in need of it by then


So today, I finally got into civilian clothes, the first time since the 17th of December !!  It feels good.  The boss left yesterday but not before leaving each individual with an 18,000 baht tip.  18,000 baht sounds a lot more than it is but I always remember that I work on a privately owned ship, not a charter vessel where tips are a regular occurence but the salaries are less.  I was more than happy – I had worked my rough nuts off keeping the boat going for 10 days but he already pays me well – to be tipped anything is a huge recognition of appreciation.

In real terms – I have been here for two weeks now and not needed to spend a single penny. In fact, until I got my tip, I didn’t even have any local currency.  So that 18,000 baht will probably still be in my wallet in a couple of months time when I break for a holiday.

Christmas and New Year passed in just a moment – I didn’t really miss it.  It is weird though, how as you get older, it begins to mean less and less.  I am not sure how much I ever believed that a lady could get pregnant without shagging and that three chaps could follow a star to Bethlehem and accurately pinpoint which stable the star was hovering over.  I mean come on, in astrological terms – it just doesn’t work.

That said – I did have a moment a couple of weeks ago – you know those moments of clarity – walking through an airport with your ear buds in when an absolutely stonking tune comes on. Riding the escalator up to arrivals in Doha Airport when this little tune came on………..enjoy

You may remember me writing about Naughty Boy a couple of years ago……..turn it up – listen loud!




The Two Less’s

I hope you didn’t read that as The Two Lezzies.  Less’s as in the opposite of more.

All the hipsters will tell you that ‘less is more’.  Well shall we find out?  Currently I am homeless and jobless – two pretty major less’s in anyones life – but both at the same time?  Bring it on.

It sounds a little harsher than it is in reality though.  I do still have a house, just all the way down in Portugal, and being honest, that is close to uninhabitable right now. Being jobless is more correct but only until the 16th December when I head to Thailand to start my new job out there – so all in all, The Two Less’s was something of a misleading headline.

But officially – a jobless and homeless bum I am !!

I have been fortunate enough to be loaned a huge american motor home (America – Fuck Yeah!) for my following days of need – not a bad gig either.  Got my Xbox set up and am ready to rock and roll.

I also got my hand over notes today for the new vessel.  Sometimes I think I am something of a rarity when it comes to giving someone hand over notes.  Usually mine spread out to a small novel, my last effort,  whopping 49 pages.  Today I got half a dozen pages.  My initial pass made me think they were not all that but one cursory read had me shuddering in my boots.  A hull breach due to electrolysis.

For the non tech minded of my readers, electrolysis is damage caused to a metal that is immersed in water due to an electrical current leak.  Where the hull carries a positive charge, the damage is more severe, as electricity is always trying to travel from positive to negative, where negative in this case is earth – or sea water.  It also doesn’t bode well that salt water happens to be a good conductor of water.  The damage occurs as the electricity exits the positive side of the circuit heading for the negative.  During this exit, it takes a little bit of the metal with it, creating pitting.  If left for long enough, enough of the metal is removed to create a hole.  Once the hole is formed, the process doesn’t stop but continues to expand the hole’s diameter.

Some metals are more easily pitted than others. Aluminium for instance, is not naturally resistive to electrolysis.  It just so happens that the new boat is Aluminium.  For the American readers (as it is an American built Trinity Yacht) I should say Aluminum.  So there is my first serious dilemma to overcome.

I was also missing some basic data about fuel consumption, ranges and speeds, oil burn etc but I am about to send a mail to remind him of that.  I am also going to ask if his technical files are up to date – at this point I expect him to shit himself.


Moving on – for those of you that know what I do for a living, this has lead to the need to update some basic training.  Last week, I braved the Isle of Wight for three days to refresh my knowledge of Fire Fighting, Sea Survival and Advanced Fire Fighting.  Being Officer material, I am required to study at advanced levels !!!  That, in reality is irrelevant.  What I really wanted to share was the fact that last week I had to go in the water in West Cowes on the Isle of Wight.  The instructors took great pleasure in telling us that the water was a delightful 6ºc – I didn’t mis-type that, six degrees!  My cock was like a drawing pin!

This week I am on the other side of The Solent in Warsash and spent the day on the end of a windy Pier, fooling around with life boats.  My final few days winding up until I head out to Thailand for the first time in my life.

YES – I am aware that Thailand has a reputation for seedy sex and even more so Ladyboys.  I plan to spend the first three months working solidly on board until I can take some leave in April so it wont be bothering me in the slightest but thank you for all of the warnings.  Maybe I will make a photo album of ‘he or she’ when I get some time and let you guess which is which?

So this morning I will finish off all of my notes I need to complete and then head to sunny Southampton and maybe a trip up the Spinnaker.  Been a few years since I went up there.  Not being the most comfortable with heights, I think I should push myself to the top and stand on the glass floor.

More soon I promise, from Thailand




And the winner was……….?

Me I hope – generally, after all isn’t that what it is all about?

It was a tough few days I can tell you.  Some times during my more thoughtful moments, a sickly feeling appeared in the pit of my stomach. Yes, I know, something of a cliché but it was true.  Right up to my midday deadline and even 3 hours past it, I still didn’t know which way to turn.

I wrote two acceptance emails in the hope it would push me in a certain direction but it didn’t.  Careful not to send one of them by accident, I saved them as drafts – after all, I would be needing at least one of them right ?

My self imposed midday deadline approached and a song came over my speakers that would give me the all needed surge into one direction.  A stunningly beautiful song, performed by a rather class act.  The lyrics also seemed to fit so well.

The song reminded me of those rare moments you get at sea.  You landies just wont understand but I will try to explain.

Most of the time I am sailing in shit weather.  Its wet, cold, dark, big waves trying to wash me off the boat every ten seconds or so. The boat is rolling from side to side at such angles that washing machines no longer work, taking a shower becomes impossible, taking a dump without covering yourself in it becomes the second biggest challenge of the day – second only to trying to stay alive.  If you’re trying to sleep and the boat is cresting sizeable waves, you lift off your mattress, just like when you drive over a hump back bridge a little faster than you should.  Conditions are so rough you either sleep in your clothes or spend 20 minutes trying to dress yourself in the most basic of gear.

And you get that for two weeks at a time if you are unlucky.  Two weeks of relentless pounding, walking the boat holding on to anything you can find, like a drunk trying to get along the bar to his taxi at the end of the night.  It can be a constant fight for survival.

Until you have those moments of clarity.  Sure, they don’t come very often.  Alone on the deck, helming at sunset and a random song comes on.  Purely by coincidence, it is the perfect sunset tune.  It happens maybe once a year.  It’s that moment of clarity that makes it all worth while.  Perfect timing with the sunset and that random song make for four minutes of absolute bliss.  Now I don’t mean absolute bliss as those twats that claim to be ‘living the dream’ might proclaim – let’s be honest, they are the same twats that post photos of burgers on their Facebook feeds and claim the same.  This bliss is beyond a level they could comprehend. The battle is not yet won, just survived – there is another battle not far around the corner. Always know where your life jacket and rescue beacon are.

The song ends in perfect harmony with the sun disappearing over the horizon, your mind clears and you focus on night time duties.  Keep everyone safe, and arrive at the next port of call.

I can’t imagine those moments being anywhere near as spectacular from the inside of a bridge on a Motor Yacht as they are standing behind a wooden helm on an open cockpit.

I have Birdy to thank for that – stop reading and have a listen to this…..

Suddenly all of the pain, struggle and strife of the last few thousand miles disappear and it is worth all of the grief. The ocean calms and your eyes begin to adjust to the darkness.  The hard earned spoils of offshore sailing drift away waiting to be discovered again like a long ago launched message in a bottle.


It was also that same fight for life, that clamber and struggle to dress, the 6 hours a day in the weather of an open cockpit, surprise squalls with excessive wind speeds that threaten to tear the rig in two, a boat constantly leaning at 15º for days at a time that made me think a little harder.

For all the romance, beauty and style of a sailing yacht – it doesn’t offer stability in turbulent waters.  Imagine being able to shower at any time, to have a poo with out clinging onto your towel rail.  Getting dressed with the light on in less than 20 minutes  because you dont have to worry that you will wake your cabin mate up who has just had an equally harrowing watch on the helm.

Yes, Motor Yachts are typically vulgar floating masses but that mass offers options.  Options like your own cabin, your own shower or better still, your very own toilet – no more cleaning up other people’s mess.  There is also the benefit of a full size engine room, stand up head room everywhere, two huge V16 diesel engines with 7000 horse power between them and two big 175 kW generators to keep me company.

Add into the facts that it is a little better paid, has 90 days paid leave instead of 60 and paid in $ – it had to be the better option right?  It seems writing two acceptance emails actually did pay off.  Seeing everything written down for clarification made the two roles stand out.  No more getting dressed in the dark, no more head hitting in an engine room to small for an elf (a bit of irony there).

Even with that clarity, as I hit send on the acceptance mail draft, I still had that ‘oh fuck’ moment where I doubted myself.  One thing I am certain of – if I took the sailing yacht job, the first time the weather got rough, or I stubbed my toe on something or twatted my head in the engine room – I know I would have been cursing my choice.

After the end of my last relationship – it’s time to move on to something different, after all, if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got.


It’s Quiet Company





Time for a change ?

For those in the know, Rue was here for a week but now is languishing back in the tropical temperatures of the UK.  During the week here, we tried to explore a little.  One thing I found was a shopping mall (I really hate saying mall instead of centre) with a theme park inside.  The roller coaster looked half decent on YouTube at least so we headed out to find the place.

Turns out that the roller coaster wasn’t all that.  The theme park was all for kids so a little bit tame to say the least.  Still, I soldiered on and found the indoor kart track, complete with electric karts.  I tried that once before in Vegas and loved it, so I talked Rue into having a go (by that I mean I paid !).

Turned out to be a right good laugh and we had 10 minutes of very close racing.  How close was actually flipping amazing.  When we got off the karts, the staff were staring at the timing screens, keen to point them out to us.

0.001 seconds


So I had been beaten by just 0.001 seconds – of course that victory was gained by a death move at the hairpin which included Rue nerfing me off the track to get by.

It was a good vibe but I had lost – after all, it was Cheap Trick that once said that there are no points for second best.  I plotted my revenge.

On Tuesday we headed back to the track for the rematch.  The stakes were high, we were BBQing on the 20th floor.  Rue pulled out first and slowed to let me take the lead – fatal mistake.  What followed next was 19 laps of sheer magic.  I pulled a lead that extended to the length of the start/finish straight  and try as he might, he couldn’t get near me.  It’s fair to say, in Formula 1 terms I absolutely annihilated him – almost 0.3 seconds faster.



So it was done.  I had more than made up for the 0.001 seconds defeat from the previous week.  I gloated all the way to the coffee house as Rue kept telling me he wasn’t competitive anyway.  I comforted him saying that at least he had improved on his previous time but as I just looked at both photos, seems he didn’t manage that so I shall gloat some more next time I see him.

Not competitive eh?  That’s why you rammed me off the track in the first heat !!


There – that done, my time here in Qatar is almost over.  This brings me to another dilemma.  I am heading back to the UK next week to tie up a few loose ends (not a metaphor for bondage), complete some training updates and then decide whether to find a new job or stay off for a few months and take some more exams.

Two days ago, I had a very good job offer from a boat in Thailand that spends its time between there, Singapore and Indonesia.  It was a seriously good job offer too.  Wicked Salary, 80 days paid leave and a months salary as a bonus at end of year.  There was also a short discussion with another sailing yacht currently in Mallorca but heading to the Caribbean and Americas Cup.  I kind of dismissed the sailing yacht as the captain sounded very distant and uninterested on the phone.

The more I thought about the Thailand gig, the less I wanted it.  Last night I typed a mail to the captain explaining that his job wasn’t for me and held it in my draft box.  I was of the mindset that I would also tell the sailing boat the same thing and knuckle down and do my next exams. Then today the captain emailed me with an offer that just blew everything else away, clean out of the water, to the point that I just cannot ignore it.  I am sure that was his plan, to make it impossible to say no.  He has offered me more than a 20% increase over my last job – that is massive!

So now I have a dilemma.  Tonight I will talk to the current engineer to get his take on it all, then I might start negotiations.  Not to be cheeky but I reckon I can squeeze more out of him.


Lets see what happens next.


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