Monthly Archives: June 2015

Big Brother IS watching you!!

Thought it was an urban myth did you? An Orwell fantasy?  Well no.

A couple of nights ago, I spilt a Belgian beer all over my lovely Mac.  I know what you are thinking, what a waste of good beer – I thought that too.  The other end of that argument is that it also shafted the afore mentioned Mac.  Now, to cut a long story short, I called the Apple store in Birmingham for help.  The automated answering service knew my name and pronounced it well, then asked me if I was calling about the iPhone 6 I purchased in 2014 or the Mac book Pro I purchased in 2010. Getting scary I thought.  Then I realised, the Mac was bought in Sint Maarten and the iPhone in Florida – neither of which required my UK phone number!!!!

Think about that next time you are clicking away happily on Facebook, liking shit that you have no idea of its origin.

Now sadly, I am suffering a very old windows laptop from circa 2009, still back then Windows Vista was all the rage.  My update history suggests I haven’t used it in almost a year and there were 79 updates that I needed to take – my verdict, it is shit.  I will be more careful with my beer in future.

So I left Mallorca on Friday and had a long long drive to Dunkirk.  As I left Palma and headed for Alcudia in the north of the island, I started to enjoy the drive.  I decided to immerse myself in the local culture and found a local Spanish radio station to listen to.  It took me about half a mile to realise that Spanish radio was in fact a load of shit and I found my own music shortly after.

Barcelona was the cluster fuck that I have come to expect from Spain, 8.30 on a Friday evening and it took me nearly two hours to make 4 or 5 miles onto the motorway but when I got free, it was simple cruising all the way.  I really wanted to make the Millau bridge during daylight and stop to take in the sights but time and daylight were not on my side.  Being honest, to make the bridge during daylight was a little ambitious on my behalf.

Needless to say – I made it safe and sound to the shores of blighty where the temperature was nice and cool.  The first weather forecast I saw was warning me of an impending heat wave – something I really couldn’t care for – I was looking for some cool wet weather!

This weekend is Great North Run time – tending to an injury at the moment but wont let that put me off too much – so long as I don’t need to stop for a dump on the way round, I should be ok.  You will fing coverage on the BBC.



Bittersweet Symphony that’s Life

So bloody hot here at the moment, I can hardly be bothered to move.  I see people running in the middle of the afternoon and almost pass out at the thought of it – I am still saving my exercise regimes for early doors or early evening when it is cooler.

Talking of early doors, yesterday morning I headed up the mountain again on my bike, getting close to the summit, I came across a couple of chicas walking their dogs.  Only turned out to be the chef that sailed with us to Brazil last year – how random was that?

This week we should get our summer orders so I will know when I am leaving for a little break – in fact, I think I might announce it here first so be sure to come back and check later.

Please all say hello to my most recent subscriber – his name is Mason Jones – or to give him his full name according to the delivery docket I completed for him this week, Mason (smallcock) Jones.  Actually, it was more of an involuntary subscription – he gave me his password for something else – I subscribed him !  Either way, he is one of the biggest bell ends on my contact list.

So what else is new? Not much, ready for a break and a little bored if I am honest.  10k race in July which you will all be able to watch on the TV – I have to decide what colours to run in yet so any ideas greatly appreciated.

I am running a little light on poo photos so if you have some, get them across to me so that I can include them in the photo album ‘Turdilicious’.  I fully intend to take up Connors offer of shitting myself in Lucy – but let me explain that one – Lucy is his VW Beetle.

I also found out this week that the Prodigy have a european tour this year with Public Enemy as support – that could be an interesting outing for Rupert, Colin and myself!

Anyway, time to get off and do nothing for the rest of the afternoon – let me say hi to a few people

Rupert, Claire, Sharon, Jacqui, Connor of course, Jones the Cock, Sue Smith, Milf Horley, John and Mon (or mum and dad as I like to think of them), while we’re on that side of the fam, Lynsey & Amy, Amy Horne the old scrote, Christine Thornton, Steve & Nic, Deano the spaz, Junior Gurnsey – in fact, all of the Gurnseys (doesn’t look like I will make Kelly’s wedding – don’t worry, I’ll get the next one!!), Joyce & David, Jen & Den, Sam & Mark, Little ‘Mo and Noah, Kaz Thornham if she is still with us, a special hello to all of the non UK readers – super special to those outside of Europe but a very big hello to Ms Timothy down in saffa land – she might actually be the most distant reader.


I am in need of ideas – photo competitions or general stupidity that I need to achieve – call it a mid-life crisis


And Happy Birthday to Lana for tomorrow – better early than late I reckon


Spam me up buttered scone


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