Monthly Archives: March 2012

Snow In Your Beard

Don’t get confused with the classic ‘Informer’ from the early 90’s

But yesterday, I realised I had quite a few areas of snow in my beard.  Now, having snow on top would normally mean a man is turning into a man of distinction but snow in your beard with no snow on top must relate to some form of alpine ecstasy.  Better still, there are the obvious red extrusions too – a rampant revelation of multi coloured swap shop – Noel Edmonds would be so proud on many levels.

Enough nonsense.  I have been sitting in Southampton for a few days now – Oral exams looming tomorrow.  Being a brave sort, I decided to head deep into the city for the weekend, not my usual habitat for sure.  Always good though, to brush up on observation skills.  I also needed to buy a new suit for tomorrows melee into the MCA offices down here.

For the more connected with me, you will be fully aware of my recent change in regime and subsequent weight loss.  I say subsequent when really I mean substantial.  Hitting the dizzy heights of 18 1/2 stones late last year (around 116kgs to Europeans) and a lardy waist size of 40″ I decided enough as enough.  So in the last 6 months I have shed a little over 3 stone (20 kilos) and now sit more content at under 15 1/2 stones or under 98 kilos.  The real killer is the waist band has now dropped to 36″ – So I am on good form.  The best of it all is that I am, and always was fully aware of why people get fat and how to fight it.

So having purchased a new 36″ waist suit trouser and matched it up with a rather larger 46″ chest jacket (the standard drop is 6″ from chest to waist size) I went off to find McDonald’s and something that I haven’t eaten for a long long time, the breakfast muffin (calm down ladies!)

It does taste good, no doubt, but also not in doubt is that it is full of shit!  How else can anything so cheap taste good ?  It’s not through care, love and attention that a quality chef might add to your meal.  I sat eating my ‘treat’ and began to observe.

I wondered – McDonald’s have recently started showing the calorie content of anything you can order – it does seem to do little to put off the calorific challenged that seem to grace their doors on a daily basis. So I wondered, how about instead of the calorie value next to each item, why not put the average weight and IQ of the people who generally order those items – that might begin to scare people away to something healthier.  I watched people using the escalator up to the McDonald’s bar when clearly they needed the exercise of walking up stairs – better still, when you are already massively overweight, how about you avoid the place altogether?

I also realised that my recent trip would have adversely affected the weight/IQ display on their menu boards so agreed not to return for some time.  Before leaving, something hit me and it wasn’t the fat chick behind me as she squeezed her massive bulk into the chair behind. McDonald’s is actually a sociably responsible business.  They serve these breakfast muffins up until 10.30.  I had arrived just before 10am. Between 10:15 & 10:30 there was a noticeable incoming rush of clients, hot and sweaty from their clamber to get there before breakfast finished.  So not only does it get youngsters out of bed nice and early at the weekend, it also helps raise their heartbeat as they race to get out of bed at the last possible minute and still make it to the counter in time to order 4 double egg McMuffins, 2 hash browns a McFlurry and of course the inevitable diet coke.

Now, let me have a rant.  For someone with an American for a girlfriend, you might mistakenly think I have a little more tolerance to the youth of today using the bastardised american version of our beautiful english language.  NO NO NO NO NO!  I would love to have a job in McDonald’s.  When one of these fashion overloaded wankers walked up to my counter and said ‘ Can I get a big mac?’ – I would simply respond ‘No, I will get it for you – what would you like?’.  Clearly they would have no idea what was going on, being far too thick to appreciate or understand the correction.  Of course, I wouldn’t serve them until they had used the correct english or I had punched them in the face and been dragged away by security. It’s like that scrawny little twat on Radio 1 – Scott Mills – how no-one has punched the shit out of him yet is beyond me.  I strongly suspect two things, he had very strong arms as a baby – to have climbed out of the abortion bucket and lastly and quite rightly too – he was bullied at school.  Speak English you pricks!

Rant over – it was a good one too I feel

While I was on a treat day (or was too early to check in to my hotel) I also graced Burger King.  It is indeed my favourite of all the fast shite outlets – simply because it does just taste better like their adverts suggest.  It was here too that I began observations once more.  Lots of local football shirts were out so I guessed that Southampton were playing at home.  In the corner of  Burger King were what was, I assume, a father and son, both in their teams’ shirt, having a bite before the match.  I couldn’t help notice the fathers posture as he sat eating.  The expression ‘slumped like a sack of spuds’ was made for this chap.  While slumped in his chair, his man boobs (moobs) were resting atop his beer belly while he frantically crammed a large portion of fries into his mouth.  I do wonder heavily about this – but as adults, should we be taking kids to these food outlets as ‘treats’?  Be good at something and we will reward it quite literally with shite.

I left deep in thought about the overall plight of the human race.  It has been said for a long time that the human race will eventually destroy itself – that it will, assuming that it doesn’t get too fat to get out of its chair to start the Apocalypse in the first place.

Good, well I am glad that is over with.  I should have warned you all to make a cup of tea before you started reading.

Wish me luck with my endeavors





Proving the Doctor wrong – Absolutely Priceless !

A few months ago I was tested for the dreaded colestorol – it’s an age thing, much like old men that stare into holes dug at the side of the road.

Doctor was quite worried, saying my LDL and HDL levels were too wide apart – the ratio was bad, and my LDH was a little high. So she quickly whipped out her prescription pad and wrote me out a drug form.  I told her that I would rather change my diet than take the drugs but she told me that I would now be taking these drugs for the rest of my life.

Today I returned a couple of months after her first assessment.  She asked me what was happening with the drugs and had I bought more.  I told her that I had never taken them and then asked for my colestorol results.

She looked at me and said ‘ You have done very well’.  LDL down, HDL up and the ‘lipids ratio’ is now good.  It must have hurt her.  So she said, we are all good then?  No I said, I still have the chest pain.  Don’t worry she said, we have checked your heart and colestorol and all is good so it’s nothing important!

WHAT ? – Nothing Important ??  Maybe not to you sweetheart, but to me, it’s not nothing to worry about until I know exactly what it is.  So tomorrow I will make an appointment for a second opinion with a different doctor.

On a lighter note – I have decided to try the self employed route this year.  Website is up and running, business cards printed and T shirts made.  I am just about to turn down my first offer of 5 months employment to see what I cn do elsewhere

Final exams on Monday 26th March


Wish me luck mofo’s




Where it all began

Went for a scuba yesterday with Aquanaught Divers here in Antigua.  Bit of a trip down memory lane really.  It was here 5 years ago that I took my first plunge into the depths at the dive site ‘Pillars of Hercules’ just outside of the entrance to English Harbour.

My Instructor of choice was One Eyed John. A slight fella in his 60’s, an ex-pat from blighty much like myself.  One eyed John taught me for my first diving lisence and also my most recent dive master 2 years ago.  Back then, he was celebrating being cancer free for 5 years after his second battle with the disease.

Before we dropped in for the second dive of the day at ‘Pillars of Hercules’ John was telling me that the doctor had ordered him to only dive once per day as he was back on chemotherapy to fight the cancer for a third time.

Now John might me frail but he really is anything but weak.  This guy has always amazed me.  He can dive twice on 1 scuba tank when other divers have to use a tank for each dive. His fins he can keep on without the ankle straps, with that one eye he can spot more stuff than me and it still amazes me when he takes his tank off at 12 metres, hands it to me and then slowly ascends to the boat. What we would certainly refer to in blighty as  ‘A good old bugger’.


Now, lets talk about the boat that I came here to see.  Sarissa is a 42 metre carbon fibre sloop built by Vitters and launched last year.  A couple of years ago, I was approached by a captain I know who was working for the owner on his last boat.  I was shown the plans of the boat and asked if I would be interested in engineering it form build.  Of course I was but unfortunately my friend departed the programme before I could join.  I have chased the boat more recently and finally got the opportunity to come and see it as they were looking for an engineer.

A fast modern sailing boat, good crew, high tech systems – of course I was into it. Imagine my pain when I realised how small the engine room was and just how cramped I would be in there – at the tallest part, it was 25cm too short for me, at its worst – even when kneeling, I still had to duck my head. So, with regret I had to tell the captain on friday that I couldn’t work the boat for him. I was wounded!

So – back to blighty on tuesday night, then oral exam in Southampton at the end of the month, after that, I have a new project up my sleeve already.





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