Tag Archives: burger king


Ironic really, I am currently sitting at a place where everyone else’s holiday is just finishing, yet mine is just beginning.

Ibiza Airport – full of skanky ho’s that have been pumped full of tunes, drugs and spunk for the last two weeks – they just can’t get enough!!

I really did want to talk about that magical German efficiency that we are all well aware of.  My boss is German, the two Stewardesses onboard are German, the furniture people who arrived at the house in Ibiza are German ( all 4 of them) – it’s a full German team

Now you would expect exemplary efficiency from such a team but what I witnessed was one of natures biggest abnormalities, like flying fish or the San Andreas Fault.

So many Germans, with so many efficient plans, got so confused as to which plan was the most efficient and failed miserably to make a plan that took them forwards at all.  It was painful yet somewhat beautiful to witness and an even greater pleasure to step forward and tell them how to resolve it!  An Englishman promoting the G.S.D. Attitude to the Germans (Getting Shit Done)

Staying with stereotypes of Nationalities and still at Ibiza Airport, this is something I really need to share.  Burger King is something of a treat for me – regular readers will be aware of this.  So, to start my holiday, I hit the Burger King.  A Double Whopper with Cheese and Bacon XXL Burger.  It came as a meal so I got fries and a choice of drinks.  I am not much for the sugary soft drinks that come with it so I asked if I could have a coffee as part of the meal deal instead.  The girl behind the counter shook her head ‘No’, a brief moment of curiosity flashed in front of me.  She had said no to my request but not given me the ‘you’re fucked now’ Spanish shrug that I have become accustomed to after years of living and working in Spain.  She then listed all of the drinks I could have.

The last word out of her mouth was ‘Beer’!  I had to double-check – ‘So I can’t have coffee but I can have a Beer as part of my Meal Deal’?  Yes was her answer.

Now over the years, the Spanish logic has confused and infuriated me, yet on this occasion it actually made me smile.  I had beer with my burger and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Holiday Time

Bee in my Bonnet

Somebody once told me that Starbucks sold coffee – if that is true, why is it that whenever I go to the one on SE 17th St, every table is full of one solitary wanker with their laptop? I am sure their money is as good as mine, I just wonder why they feel they can drink one coffee, take up 4 spaces, become a band width leech and sit it out for hours at a time, all off the back of one coffee.

In fact, I wonder if Starbucks took a stance on this, kicked the tossers out, they might make more profit from people like me that want a coffee and a cake and to sit for just 5 minutes.  Maybe then they could afford to pay their corporation tax in their country of origin.

Rant almost over

I realise working in Burger King isn’t the greatest of career choices, I am sorry.  Maybe you are just starting out, maybe you are down on your luck, maybe just earning a few extra bucks to feed the kids. Please, please, please, please, please – a little bit more concentration with your false niceness when you ask me if you may take my order. I am always jolly, happy and polite, I will even try to make you smile with my british charm and humour to help you with  (what I appreciate is) a very dreary day in your life – BUT – when the only thing right with my 3 item order is the bottle of water I asked for, you really do need to try harder!  You see, for me, and you may choose to laugh this off as a tongue in cheek statement – for me, a trip to Burger King is a treat, something that I look forward to, it gets my saliva flowing, that once a quarter treat for being a good boy. I know it’s shit, unhealthy and a full days calories in one hit but every now and then, like most people who exercise and eat healthily – we want to try that gangsta food, to feel like a wanna be rapper with our caps tilted to one side as we flash our gold teeth at the girl wiping tables –  it makes us feel like the  Marshall Mathers bad asses that we would have been if we were born on the other side of the tracks. Now, I could have gone to McDonalds, but true to Burger King’s advertising slogan – it really does ‘Just taste better’.

I just read that paragraph above once more – that mention of a bottle of water sounds so pretentious eh?

Fuck it !   Last whine of the evening.  Pronunciation………lets get things sorted

Water is pronounced  ‘water’ not ‘warder’. It’s basic english language, pronounce it as it is spelt.  ‘Jaguar’ not ‘Jagwar’!! Your Daughter is your daughter, not your ‘dawder’.


Nah – I lied – this is my last whine of the evening.

If you must have the draw bridge opened to pass under with your boat, at least have a mast worthy of the bridge opening palava – not some puny little item that is only 50 feet tall FFS !!!!  Tonight the draw bridge interrupted my run on the way out and also on the way in with two separate openings.  This really pisses me off for a couple of reasons, maybe even three.

1. It stops my run and also prevents me getting a good time.

2. On a 6k run, it means I am too fecking slow, I shouldn’t get caught by the bridge twice, it only opens every half hour.

Nope – only two reasons.


Before My head explodes, I need to welcome some recent new ‘followers’.  I would like to call them ‘Beliebers’ but I am not some pre-pubescent wanker with more money than life experience.

Please welcome Opinionated Man, Shaun 890 & Shaun Furman (probably one and the same if you ask me).  I would also like to give a shout out to Vanda Panda – I think this might be the first time I have done that, also Sue Smith, been a while too. Shazza Evans is also new to this so she gets a shout out too.

Heading to Boulder, Colorado at the end of next month for a well deserved break – expect some stories.



Snow In Your Beard

Don’t get confused with the classic ‘Informer’ from the early 90’s http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqCI6QGVHIk&feature=related

But yesterday, I realised I had quite a few areas of snow in my beard.  Now, having snow on top would normally mean a man is turning into a man of distinction but snow in your beard with no snow on top must relate to some form of alpine ecstasy.  Better still, there are the obvious red extrusions too – a rampant revelation of multi coloured swap shop – Noel Edmonds would be so proud on many levels.

Enough nonsense.  I have been sitting in Southampton for a few days now – Oral exams looming tomorrow.  Being a brave sort, I decided to head deep into the city for the weekend, not my usual habitat for sure.  Always good though, to brush up on observation skills.  I also needed to buy a new suit for tomorrows melee into the MCA offices down here.

For the more connected with me, you will be fully aware of my recent change in regime and subsequent weight loss.  I say subsequent when really I mean substantial.  Hitting the dizzy heights of 18 1/2 stones late last year (around 116kgs to Europeans) and a lardy waist size of 40″ I decided enough as enough.  So in the last 6 months I have shed a little over 3 stone (20 kilos) and now sit more content at under 15 1/2 stones or under 98 kilos.  The real killer is the waist band has now dropped to 36″ – So I am on good form.  The best of it all is that I am, and always was fully aware of why people get fat and how to fight it.

So having purchased a new 36″ waist suit trouser and matched it up with a rather larger 46″ chest jacket (the standard drop is 6″ from chest to waist size) I went off to find McDonald’s and something that I haven’t eaten for a long long time, the breakfast muffin (calm down ladies!)

It does taste good, no doubt, but also not in doubt is that it is full of shit!  How else can anything so cheap taste good ?  It’s not through care, love and attention that a quality chef might add to your meal.  I sat eating my ‘treat’ and began to observe.

I wondered – McDonald’s have recently started showing the calorie content of anything you can order – it does seem to do little to put off the calorific challenged that seem to grace their doors on a daily basis. So I wondered, how about instead of the calorie value next to each item, why not put the average weight and IQ of the people who generally order those items – that might begin to scare people away to something healthier.  I watched people using the escalator up to the McDonald’s bar when clearly they needed the exercise of walking up stairs – better still, when you are already massively overweight, how about you avoid the place altogether?

I also realised that my recent trip would have adversely affected the weight/IQ display on their menu boards so agreed not to return for some time.  Before leaving, something hit me and it wasn’t the fat chick behind me as she squeezed her massive bulk into the chair behind. McDonald’s is actually a sociably responsible business.  They serve these breakfast muffins up until 10.30.  I had arrived just before 10am. Between 10:15 & 10:30 there was a noticeable incoming rush of clients, hot and sweaty from their clamber to get there before breakfast finished.  So not only does it get youngsters out of bed nice and early at the weekend, it also helps raise their heartbeat as they race to get out of bed at the last possible minute and still make it to the counter in time to order 4 double egg McMuffins, 2 hash browns a McFlurry and of course the inevitable diet coke.

Now, let me have a rant.  For someone with an American for a girlfriend, you might mistakenly think I have a little more tolerance to the youth of today using the bastardised american version of our beautiful english language.  NO NO NO NO NO!  I would love to have a job in McDonald’s.  When one of these fashion overloaded wankers walked up to my counter and said ‘ Can I get a big mac?’ – I would simply respond ‘No, I will get it for you – what would you like?’.  Clearly they would have no idea what was going on, being far too thick to appreciate or understand the correction.  Of course, I wouldn’t serve them until they had used the correct english or I had punched them in the face and been dragged away by security. It’s like that scrawny little twat on Radio 1 – Scott Mills – how no-one has punched the shit out of him yet is beyond me.  I strongly suspect two things, he had very strong arms as a baby – to have climbed out of the abortion bucket and lastly and quite rightly too – he was bullied at school.  Speak English you pricks!

Rant over – it was a good one too I feel

While I was on a treat day (or was too early to check in to my hotel) I also graced Burger King.  It is indeed my favourite of all the fast shite outlets – simply because it does just taste better like their adverts suggest.  It was here too that I began observations once more.  Lots of local football shirts were out so I guessed that Southampton were playing at home.  In the corner of  Burger King were what was, I assume, a father and son, both in their teams’ shirt, having a bite before the match.  I couldn’t help notice the fathers posture as he sat eating.  The expression ‘slumped like a sack of spuds’ was made for this chap.  While slumped in his chair, his man boobs (moobs) were resting atop his beer belly while he frantically crammed a large portion of fries into his mouth.  I do wonder heavily about this – but as adults, should we be taking kids to these food outlets as ‘treats’?  Be good at something and we will reward it quite literally with shite.

I left deep in thought about the overall plight of the human race.  It has been said for a long time that the human race will eventually destroy itself – that it will, assuming that it doesn’t get too fat to get out of its chair to start the Apocalypse in the first place.

Good, well I am glad that is over with.  I should have warned you all to make a cup of tea before you started reading.

Wish me luck with my endeavors





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