Monthly Archives: August 2007

out of the frying pan into the freezer!

it is so hot here, just a five minute walk leaves you sweaty and sticky. and withing the next 8 days i will be in the north of norway, inside the artic circle where it is freezing bloody cold! in my luggage, i have shorts and t shirts, fleeces and wooly hats, the contrast will be nipply to say the least.
I am leaving palma on wednesday 5th september and sailing from a place called Bodo in the north of norway, heading down past england, around the top of france, across the bay of biscay, all the way down the west coast of portugal before turning east and then heading across the algarve and towards gibraltar and finally into the med and back to palma.
will then have around a month to prepare the boat and sail it to the canaries and from there, it will be a race to the caribbean, so a busy rest of year for me.
i am feeling a good moan coming on this week so be sure to come back soon for what is sure to be an epic read

Free BMW woos new readers

so i made it in one piece. a mad blast across spain and hit valencia just after 7pm. went to buy a ferry ticket and the guy asked me if i wanted a ticket for the sea cat that was already loading. i bought the ticket and drove on the cat, and they closed the door behind me, it was that close! 
I sat in my chair, thinking how much money i had. I hadnt had time to go to the bank in valencia and i had just 8 euros to last me until i got to palma. thankfully, the prices on the boat were not a rip off. i managed two coffees, a can of coke and a baguette with fresh tortilla and still had change.
Then, absolute bonus, superman returns started on the boats tv system so i picked up my gear and moved forward to see the screen better. got comfy and was looking foreward to the crossing when suddenly the actors started speaking……….bummer!  see, in portugal, they subtitle all of the english speaking stuff but in spain, they dub absolutely everything and with the speed they go, i had no chance in working out what was being said, so i sat in my chair as the ocean gently rocked away beneath me.
It is kind of comforting to feel the boat gently rock, better than flying. I mean, if the boat sinks, at least i can swim, if a plane stops flying, well your pretty much shagged unless you are actually superman. so i pulled out my trusty iPod and snuggled down. At midnight, i arrived in palma again.
Pleased to see that my readership this week has suddenly taken a huge jump. amazing what happens when you offer a free BMW to people. 125 visits today alone.
I woke this morning to the sound of thunder. yep, mallorca in august and thunder storms with heavy rain. also rained again this evening with a slight rumble of thunder, so you see it is true – the rain in spain stays mainly on the wayne
now check this out, jake made me feel very old the other day. i was talking on the phone when he told me that he has a date for his driving test. if he passes, he has agreed to drive me to my sisters 40th birthday party! doesnt that make you feel old, when your son offers to drive you somewhere!
and now check this out, i thought i could make a gift of my car to him so i punched in some details on direct line and also on so direct line came on at 2500 for comp cover, dropping 60 quid if you down grade to third party, elephant wanted 6500 quid……oh my god!
and lastly, today i heard of the killing of the eleven year old boy shot in liverpool. sad. i also watched jimmy tarbuck doing an interview for sky ( well he is a scouser too) finally someone had the balls to say on tv that there is no deterent in our current legal system to punish offenders properly people see how easy the penal system is on offenders and are happy to take that route. good old jimmy even suggested national service again. he also commented on the murderer of steven lawrence being released and the bullshit around the human rights crap too. we all know what needs to happen. stop pandering to the bullshit politicians that are too afraid to hit out hard at these scum suckers that ruin your society

road trip time again

locked and loaded and ready to hit the road again in the morning at around 7am. A full 23 hours later, i will be in palma once more, but only for a short while before catching a plane and heading to Norway. 
so let me sound off a little. i have been reading some english press this week. it always makes me chuckle. i read with interest that the youth that stabbed head teacher steven lawrence to death some 12 or so years ago has been saved extradition back to italy because it breeches his human rights! oh yeah, you all know what i am about to say. what human rights does that immigrant deserve ? stabbing a teacher that was protecting one of his students, the little fucker should be castrated and left on the village square in the stocks to slowly bleed to death or be stoned by the locals. and guess what, after serving half of his life sentence he will be eligable for early release next year, and of course, he is a completely reformed character
I also read of a man arrested and taken into custody after a burgler fell from one of his windows and hurt himself badly. FUCK OFF!!! surely common sense suggests that if the stupid little thieving bastard hadnt gone into someone elses property, he would never have got hurt. both home owner and thief were released without charge…….where is the justice in that?
and finally, amid stringent air security, a 7 year old lad from up north caused a major terrorist alert at two american airports recently. The poor little fella shared a name with a known terrorist and this was flagged up on the pre flight security checks. All was resolved albeit with a delay to the travelling family, it is good to know that all of this additional security actually works. The parents of the boy are now considering changing his name, yep that should do it, i bet by now, every known terrorist has changed theirs too!
Doh !!
I also found out today that i have registered as a resident as far as tax purposes are concerned. that was good news for me, it means i have a 2 year waiver on any capital gains tax should i sell my house. At 25%, that is a good saving but i have to lump all of the profit into my next purchase to avoid paying anything at all, but i dont see that being a problem.
last night while checking my car over before i leave, i noticed a water leak inside the car. great. a problem a day before i am due to leave. a quick fix this morning and all was well, at least well enough to get me to spain. i will leave the car at the local garage there for full repair while i am away, that will solve the problem of finding somewhere to store it too.
Finally today the wind dropped, and is due to drop even more tomorrow. this is so funny. i spent the whole summer here amid howling winds and gales without a decent wave in sight, now i am leaving , all things look to change for the better. damn.
anyway, looks like i will be busy now with nariida until new year so wont be back for a while. i have a two week break in november but i have to yet decide where to spend it. i can return to portugal, stay in the canaries or head to the caribbean and wait for the boat to arrive. i could also stay on the boat for the race across the atlantic.  your thoughts are appreciated.
authors footnote……i have recently noticed a falling readership for my page.  shame on you all, have you got better things to do with your time? anyway, since its birth over two years ago, my lovely little page has had over 16,000 readers so i have decided to offer a new BMW to the reader that logs in as the 20,000th visitor (yes i can tell who has been reading ) all you have to do is keep reading and also tell me what colour you would like you BMW to be. You can do this by leaving a message in my visitors book here on this page. the judges decision is final (thats me!) and no correspondence will be entered into. usual rules apply. for more information, email
lastly………boyhair, change your security settings on your space, i cat leave an abusive comment by return

the calling

this morning i was woken by a telephone call at 10.30. i grabbed my phone and saw the caller id ‘Nariida’.
so it is time to leave portugal. heading north of oslo where it is likely to be very cold,  i have been warned to bring thermals and warm clothes for the trip south.
should be an interesting trip too, the wind has been blowing a hoolie for weeks here in portugal so i am expecting a rough time, especially across the bay of biscay.
there is one distinct bonus though, i will be sailing past my home in portugal for the very first time ever!
I am also meeting with the estate agent before i leave, to see if she can sell my place while i am away.
Finally , after three years of being here, i managed to get a post ofice box too. because my house is remote, the post man will not deliver to my door, so while i am away, my mail gets returned to sender as the post office in vila only keep it for a week. so today, i have to contact all of my mail senders and give them my new address, i wonder how that will work out ?
so, no time to sit and ponder, have to hit the road on thursday morning, lots to do.
authors footnote. yet again, i would like to give a running fuck slap to someone. this time, a recruitment agent in england. he mails me every week with yacht jobs, whenever i respond, i cut and paste the line of the job i am interested in and mail him back. his standard response is always ‘which job’ what a complete fuckwit! these lazy cunts should all be shot at birth. if i do respond to his insolence, his next standard response is always ‘ can you send an up to date cv’ which again makes me want to shit in his mouth because he already has it. thing is, recruitment agents charge such a fat fee that they really should be bending over backwards to help. fuck them all

The co-efficiency of women


sometimes as i ponder life and all that it is about, i make some remarkable discoveries as to life itself. for instance, i am sure you have all heard the term, the meek shall inherit the earth?

well only during 2007 did i realise the irony in this statement and how the joke actually works. this in my 37th year on earth.

my age also makes me feel good about other things, especially over the youth of today.

I can happily work in feet and inches and also metres and centimetres, the youth, no hope, what is an inch? the older generation, ask the opposite question, what is a centimetre

i can read my speedo in kilometers and also work out how long it will take me to cover 100k.

i have also had time to fully appreciate women and all of the forms they come in. tall, thin, short or fat, they all have a certain appeal. i have recently discovered something that will help you all understand the correct proportion of a woman. This , i have for the porpose of the scientific community, called the co-efficient of women. This is a previously undiscovered phenomenon but from this point forward, i am sure it will be entered into every day use

the guide is simple to use and can be applied to all women, with only one exception, pregnant women, they are granted a temporary excemption from this scheme.

when viewed from a side profile, a womans breasts should stick out further from her stomache.

simple i know, but think about this revelation for a moment, it is pure genius!

skinnier chicks tend to have smaller hooters, but as they are skinnier, their smaller ( but still perfectly formed) hu hu’s still protrude further than their super flat bellies.

On the other hand, a ‘bigger boned’ woman will also have larger air bags but still she will be in the right zone of the co-efficient.

now for all of the women out there that are wondering if they fall inside the co-efficient, there is only one way to tell. unfortunately, this co-efficient is not lineal, so i can’t offer you a size to weight graph but if you want to check, simply remove all of your clothes, stand in front of a mirror and hey presto!

For borderline cases, errect nipples are acceptable but for further queries, please send a photo and a stamped addressed envelope to me at

i will study any requests carefully and post my answers on this page



Authors footnote, thanks to Dr Lineke…….women with falsies are immediately disqualified. ladies, if you have silicone, it is because you don’t love yourself enough in your natural state. when this is the case, how can you expect a man to love you for what you are when two parts of you are false ??


the italian job


fly alitalia, never again!

between rome and genoa they managed to loose my bag. when i got to the lost baggage section there were about 25 other people in front of me. took me an hour to register.

that left me with one other problem, i flew in on the last flight of the day. after an hour, all the taxi’s had left. i asked the man who was closing up his rental car office if he could please call me a cab, he simply said no, just wait outside one will come. i kind of thought that wouldnt be true as the airport was now closed for the night.

as i started to walk, pondering my next adventure, a walk through downtown genoa in the early hours of saturday morning, i saw a hotel in the airport complex. the concierge was a nice man, he offered without hesitation to call me a cab and within 5 minutes i was on my way.

glad i did it too, the cab ride was a long one and through some of the red light districts in genoa.

saturday gave me time to sleep in a little, check out the two main engines and generators and then take the boat for a sea trial. Sairah the out going captain was in charge, with the new captain, Vladymir the russian and another captain Charlie from Antibes. so many captains meant that they would cover all of the watches between themselves and left me to cover the engine room. the only watch i have to do was between 6 and 7pm while sairah is cooking.

the sea trial went well and we decided to leave at midday on sunday, on schedule.

the airport called me to say my bag was in so i jumped in another cab and got to the airport. to my horror, when i got there, another 20 or so people were in the lost luggage queue, reporting missing bags. i also understood enough to hear one of the airport staff telling them there was an automatic machine in the arrivals area for reporting lost bags. kind of makes you wonder if they do this with every flight into the place?

Sunday at noon, we left as planned. my watches started hourly for the first few hours, then i added on an extra half hour and by midnight, all was well and we were up to every two hours. so i could grab maybe an hour and a half sleep between each inspection.

finally at 4 am on monday morning, captain sairah took one on for me and that meant i could sleep until 9.30. i also got another three and a half hours in the afternoon when captain charlie agreed to take one on but for the rest of the evening i would be sleeping in the crew mess. rotating inspections with the watches of the other captains, i could still get three and a half hours sleep in between. as the captains changed their watch , they would each pick up one engine room inspection for me. thats how it was planned but in reality, i still covered most of them.

06.30 0n tuesday morning i popped on deck to see my first ever volcano. when i first saw it, i thought the steam coming from the top was just cloud formation but as we passed along side it, you could easily see the steam rising from within the crater. my first ever real life volcano!! i got some good pictures of it too, take a look.

later that day, in the straights of messina, we anchored for a couple of hours, put on some diving gear and headed under the boat to clean up the props and shafts. Captain sairah had said we were using 20% more fuel than normal and she thought that might be the answer. i zapped the water with my lazer thermometer, the water was a cool 23.8 degrees, and was blissful to swim in, the current though, was a little dodgy. i think without fins on my feet, i would have gone backwards and not forwards. it wasnt a job i had ever considered doing but hell, getting paid to go for a swim, has to be worth a look.

wierd really, because suddenly it was thursday and i had a generator overheat. nasty one too but managed to get it fixed up within an hour and a half and running again. always a bit of a panic when something goes wrong, your first thoughts are, can i fix it or will i look like a complete muppet? always worse when you dont know your way around a boat, if i can’t fix it, can we work around it and what about if we loose the second gen set?

and then as if by magic, the shop keeper didn’t appear but instead, friday morning came sweeping in. 01.30 and i was awake before my alarm and in the shower, breakfast and then into the ER to do my thing. (thats Engine Room, not emerency room). Everything was looking peachy. within 15 hours we should be moored in turkey.

all in all, been a very quiet trip. i have only had two alarms, they were both for the autopilot off course, and after the second mad scramble to check everything out, we decided to pull the relay out and disconnect the damn thing. i tell you, it is a bit of a rush when you are woken from you sleep by a sound similar to the wail of a dying banshee all over the boat as the general alarm goes off. you quickly wake up thinking ‘oh fuck’ but instantly instinct kicks in. into the ER, check the alarm panel, quick check around the ER before heading to the bridge to check the full alarm panel and seeing exactly where the problem lies. After that, its plain sailing, if you will excuse the punn. and if you are quick enough, you can do all of that before you are fully awake so that falling asleep again is a piece of cake.

Its also a blessing to work in an engine room that i can fully stand up in, and this one is exactly that, three levels, 2 main engines ( both V12 twin turbo diesels, 27 litres each) three generators, a 50,000 litre fuel tank ( yes fifty thousand, that would cost most of us a years wage to fill for two weeks) a good selection of house tools, and an air conditioning system that doesnt break down. the greek islands are always amazing to sail around, the stars much brighter at night without light polution, the seas always the richest blue

At least on this stink pot i have had the majority of uninterrupted sleep, not like my last boat that religously woke me between 1 and 3 am every morning but on the stink pot – nada.

finally at 06.30 this morning, dolphins! i have never been to sea without seeing dolphins so was getting a little worried this time until, i saw the fins playing in the water in front of us. i walked to the bow and hung off the front to watch three huge dolphins playing around the bulbous bow on the front of the boat. i am convinced these boys are as curious about humans as we are them. when they see me, they do two things, roll on their side so that they can see me better and jump out of the water to get air. i tried to tell them to stay there while i went to get my camera but i dont speak turk dolphin, only spanish, portuguese and italian dolphin so they had left by the time i got back. they were three of the biggest i have ever seen. seeing dolphins always makes me feel good inside, a good omen for the sea.

so this adventure will end at around 7pm this evening and at 6am tomorrow, i start my journey home 

the italian job

looks like it is finally going to happen. leave portugal on friday night, head to lisbon and then jump on a plane to rome, changing for genoa and then hit the boat.
full steam ahead to istanbul and then find a flight back home, finish my holidays here and then head back to palma for a week before flying out to norway on the 5th september.
busy schedule i know, and it is still yet to confirm. i reckon though, if it doesnt happen this weekend, i will blow it off completely. I just wanted the experience of a big power boat, the money would be a bonus but is not crucial for my survival
next stop – who knows 

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