Monthly Archives: May 2014

Alive and Kicking

There is much talk about weather on the ocean, wind strength, cloud cover, sea state – that sort of posh kid nonsense.

I have developed a much easier method, I am sure you will find easier to relate to. Please let me introduce you to The November Archives shipping forecast.

Level 1 – very pleasant, washing machines, dishwashers, toilets and showers can be used with little or no difficulty. Stand up peeing is easily sustainable with minimal risk of ‘lid slam’ on your bell end.

Level 2 – machinery can no longer be used. Crew are beginning to stagger as if a little drunk, stand up peeing is just maintainable provided you lean your head against the wall and hold the seat up with one hand. Showering is still available but not without adopting a light bracing position.

Level 3 – Getting tricky now – any chance of clean laundry has long gone. Toilets are now officially sit down only, be careful that the water in the toilet doesn’t wash across your sack with the swells. Holding on with one hand while perched is also the order of the day as heavy rolls have potential to kick you off the side of the potty

Level 4 – Seriously now, nothing but only essential toileting. One hand on the grab rail, the other unbuckling your belt and popping the button for your trousers. Let them fall to the floor and begin your cautious crouch. Be ready though, with waves like this, one good pitch and you are guaranteed to head butt the wall in front of you before your precious buttocks have made it to the porcelain polo seat

Level 5 – Stay at home! Waves like this, the only shitting will be done directly in your pants, ‘aint nothing going down the pan today.

We had level 3 between here and Florida, with one slight trip to a level 4 as I smashed my head on the downward crouch. Yesterday I dropped a log that was noticeably longer than my foot – Amazing !

Next leg starts tomorrow morning and will be 10 days down to the easterly tip of Brazil


Connor – still waiting for your address for your ‘judges decision is final’ T Shirt.



Norma Snockers & Hugh Jewilly

It’s almost time to depart for Brazil but before I go, it wouldn’t be right to leave without a little rant now would it?

Yesterday, while hunting down cheap sunnies in the local ‘mall’ (that’s shopping centre to us native English speakers) I saw something very strange – sand!  Beach sand for sale in a tub. Not just the tubs, there was also a stand outside of the shop with a sign suggesting that you touch it.  Sand for fucks sake, for sale in a shopping centre that.  The only way this situation could get any worse was for an Arab to walk in and buy it all.

Competition winners – from South Africa all the way up the estuary to Bristol.  7 lucky winners will soon be receiving a very limited edition (I am only buying 7) November Archives T-shirt.  The Magnificent 7 are

Lexa T – South Africa

Lana B  – Belgium

Verity S  – Staffs, UK

Lynsey C  – Warks, UK

Rue Y – Warks, UK

Neal W – Warks, UK

Musher G  – Bristol

If you haven’t already given me your address, please let me have it.  T shirts will be dispatched in 28 days.  Wear them with pride and remember the selfie rule for competition entry – all selfies should clearly show the front design and if you are feeling arty, maybe you could show us all a couple of photos of you in full flow wearing your special edition shirts.

Competition is now closed – no further correspondence will be entered into.

Now, back on terra firma – some running milestones this week.  On friday night I decided to run my first half marathon stopping only to drop a log and also to wait for one of the draw bridges to close as some ships passed.  The Missus has also bagged her first 20k run in a hugely respectable 2hrs 23m.  The only time you  normally would see americans run so far and fast is when there is a BOGOF offer at McDonald’s or Lance Armstrong hears there is a sale on at his local Pharmacy. She is 5 years the european now and slowly converting to the correct way of doing things – we just need to work on some spelling and pronunciation issues and all will be peachy !

That’s all for now – my next post (conditions permitting) will be from somewhere in the Caribbean Sea  –  that beats any office job that I know of.



Mokele Mbembe

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear November Archives, Happy Birthday to me

Whoop whoop whoop, yahoo, yay yay yay – whatever  (as I am currently in the states, all the whoops, yays and yahoos are mandatory), fist bump, high 5 – fuck yeah!!!  Goddamn .

It’s official – on May 8th (say that out-loud in your best Geordie accent!) The November Archives turned 9 years old and is now officially in its tenth year of publication, something of a milestone I think.  Put that into a different perspective, my little blog has been around longer than the iPhone and will no doubt still be going strong when the iPhone has gone the same way as that old dinosaur The blackberry.  If you need help in perfecting the ‘May the 8th’ in Geordie, may I offer three little words as practise – if you can master these three words, it is fair to say you are fluent in geordie – repeat out loud, or better still, to someone else in your house or work place, or just stand out on the street and bellow them at passers by




You are now fluent my friend – go forth and converse but be careful not to get ‘yer teeth kicked in man!’


Lots has changed since I first sat in the Bubble Lounge down in Sagres and penned my first blog entry.  The bubble lounge is no more, replaced suitably by Warung.  The iPhone was born and has also suffered 6 reincarnations since its birth.  The whole world has become a place where people right now and for generations to come, are developing spinal damage as they constantly stare at their smart phone screens.  People no longer go to concerts and watch the gig for themselves but seem to prefer to concentrate on holding the smart phone above their heads recording the whole thing, for what I can only assume is bragging rights – the right to say that you were there and prove it.  This alone makes me gasp in disbelief.  There was a saying I heard years ago about ‘Woodstock’ that went something like this ‘ If you can remember being there – then you weren’t really there!’  Whats more, can you imagine the pain of watching a music concert in its entirety on a phone ?  These observations were made only recently in my life as I watched many of the iTunes music festivals that are broadcast live on the WWW. A sea of fans illuminated by their screens.  Of course, there are concerts where hanging onto your phone would have been impossible too – The Offspring and Skunk Anansie are two that I remember partially.

Sound Garden, The Pixies, Katy Perry, Jessie J, Coldplay, NOCEREMONY/// have all been on iTunes for free.  Of course, I wanted to be there for myself but never won the tickets – Yes, I did apply for free tickets for a Katy Perry concert, but equally too, I tried for the Pixies.

Most recently of course, I finally decided to spend a chunk of money on a quality car rather than the 300 quid junkers that I normally favour. This has caused some concerns when choosing a suitable parking place as I try my best to keep the body panels straight and dent free.  I like the comfort but the worry keeps me awake at night.

Bringing you swiftly up to date, I am currently in Florida and next weekend will be setting sail for Rio de Janeiro in Brazil – a good two weeks of hard sailing lay ahead but man am I glad to be back on a sailing boat with their coffin sized beds and work spaces made for midgets – a great new adventure lays ahead and lets not forget, this will be my first time sailing across the equator.  Once I have crossed it, I will be able to watch the water go down the plug hole anti clockwise instead of clockwise.

I just bumped into a guy today that reminded me of Alex Faggotpants down in Kernow.  Some of you will remember Alex as my lodger from Benn Street but for those of you that don’t, look for an old programme on the tv called ‘The Brittas Empire’ and there, disguised as Chris Barry you will see Alex Faggotpants.  Faggot as he is more affectionately known by his closest Rugby chums, was a spitter for Gordon Brittas in looks and mannerisms so imagine my surprise today when I found another doppelgänger here in Fort Lauderdale.

At this point, some words of encouragement please – the missus is running a 20k next weekend, a quick hurrah for her, my sister is also clocking up the miles and Steve Brown has agreed to come and run the next Park Run ( so it will be a real gang bang for the next time I am in blighty, there will be me, Steve, Rue, Claire, Sis (still working on that one) and maybe even the missus if she doesn’t quit running the second she crosses the finish line.

For the more loyal readers amongst you, you may remember some years ago I ran a competition for the 20,000th reader to win a new 3 series BMW.  You may also remember an old flame of mine winning the competition but then being disqualified for making me change her name on the blog.  Well, Gary Lineke as I called her post op, won’t be running in this competition and I promise no more name changes ever but in an effort to break the 40,000 hits barrier before my 10th anniversary next year, I am offering 10 absolutely free T-shirts for the first 10 SUBSCRIBED users to leave a comment on THIS post suggesting why they deserve a T-shirt.  There is no catch other than you can only win 1 shirt per subscribed user – I say this because I fully expect Connor to leave 10 comments before anyone else even reads this, you can’t beg one for your significant other, they should subscribe too,  and yes, I fully expect Connor to get a shirt and the other 9 to remain in my wardrobe for the next 10 years.  They will be sent P&P free so even if you are all the way down there in S.A. over in Oz, NZ or the Nordics – you will get one.


All up to you – usual rules apply – I make them up as I go along.  Winners are required to send a selfie for posting on The November Archives of them wearing their shirts.






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