Tag Archives: cornwall

Closing Doors

Way back in 2002 (back in the day) I hit the Algarve beaches for the very first time.  Me, Alex Faggotpants Clifton and a young Ryan Morgan from the neighbours in Benn Street.

The following year, it happened again, this time with two more bell ends tagging along.  It was late on a very sunny Sunday afternoon in September (2003) as I was contemplating the drive back to the airport from Praia da Cordoama that I decided to move permanently.  By November the same year, my house was sold, along with all of its contents that I deemed I could live without. I was back, surf board under arm and ready to live a little.

Today, I signed over the house I bought here in Portugal to a young Portuguese couple.  Like most locals, they are priced out of the market by foreigners with more money than them.  It felt good to sell it to them, knowing they will build a home and grow a family there – rather than have Johnny Foreigner use it as a holiday home twice a year.

Sure, I got less money selling it to locals – but it felt a lot better in my heart.

In those 17 years away, many of you reading this will have paid a visit, some more than one, a few – paid far too many, just couldn’t keep you feckers away could I.

There were many good times had.  Some monstrous bar bills accomplished, several questionable ladies kissed, ample scuba diving excursions and of course many many many waves caught and ridden, all with varying degrees of success and grace.  Above all else, a myriad of memories have been created and a multitude of friends made from more cultures than you could shake a stick at.

I used to scoff at people who would brag about how travelling will broaden you mind.  I have to hand it to them though – they are right.

There is always a lump in my throat when I get off the motorway and get closer to Sagres, a warm feeling, fondness, a longing. In Portugal, they have a word for it – Saudades.  It seems quite apt that the language can accommodate all of those emotions in just one word.

Years ago on my weekend surf trips to Cornwall I used to get a similar feeling, close to Truro on the A30 when you plug up that last hill before sighting the wind farms for the first time.

Almost two decades of memories have been made.  I owe that opportunity to two people and a very simple act of kindness.

A young Ryan Gurnsey who departed 20 years ago, and a not quite so young Indian lady called Sandhya Desai, who, seeing me struggle with the early departure of Ryan, simply took the time to ask me one morning if I was OK.  The conversation that followed kept me from failing, kept me focused and ultimately gave me the hunger to chase something new.

I wondered what song might sum it all up as I drove back to Faro Airport this afternoon. I racked my brains for something suitable but drew a blank.

As if by magic, a Tuuuuuuune appeared in my head (it seems all those nights stella’d up with faggot pants in the clubs wasn’t a complete waste)  I was home alone one saturday morning in Benn Street somewhere between 2000 and 2002 with no-one to play with.  I decided ‘Fuck it – I am going Surfing’.

Typically, Cornwall was a 4 hour blast but on this day, it would take me 8 ½ hours.  The track you are going to be treated to next was just cueing up as those wind farms came into sight with the sun sinking low behind them on a delicious Cornish Saturday evening.  The surf was shit by the way………

Goodbye Sagres old friend – I don’t know if I shall see you again.

 

 

So that tune – I had to dig hard to find it.  Put your headphones on and enjoy

 

 

 

Its time for a new door to open.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Busting at the seams

Its a bug bear.  You find a coffee shop and place your order.  The girl behind the counter asks you for your name, even though you have asked for your coffee to stay (in a proper cup, not that disposable crap). I have a strong dislike (SJ) for this.  Take my order, take my payment but why do you need my name?

Has there been an epidemic of thefts in coffee shops that I missed being reported on John Cravens Newsround?  I doubt it.

Today, I gave my name as ‘Queen Latifah’.  The girl looked at me quizzically for a moment before realising my game and smiling.

 

En route to sunny Portugal this morning.  Looks like I have a buyer for the love shack down in Sagres. Landing in Faro soon and then off to the bank in Lagos to watch a young couple transfer some euros to me and then sign the pre sale agreement.  Just in the nick of time with brexit looming.

Motorway was blissfully quiet at 4am, almost had a heart attack when the satnav told me I had missed my turn for Gatwick.  I was sure I hadn’t, turns out I was right.  That sat nav needs updating.

Here’s hoping for a drone free departure.  Back tomorrow night before heading for a weekend spa with my bird.

Back to work on Tuesday, setting sail soon for Athens.

 

Visited Eden in Cornwall over christmas.  Never been before and its fair to say, I won’t be heading back.  Check out the photo below of the special light show that was planned for my visit.

After looking around for a few hours, we waited patiently for the light show to start.  Eventually, I went to the information point to ask what time it all kicked off, only to be told ‘it has been running all day’.

What !!  £62 to see a light show that I hadn’t even noticed was turned on,   £10 for a burger and chips…….! Nah, Eden, you are not for me.  Huge disappointment.  Shame on you.

 

The flyer below promised so much.  In reality, there was nothing to see, absolutely nothing.  What a con.

 

 

 

I did manage to catch up with Alex Clifton, AKA Alex Faggotpants, AKA Mr. Brittas while in Cornwall though.  A coffee and a chat at the once majestic Blue Bar in Porthtowan.  Blue has changed a lot since my last visit probably 15 years ago or more.  Used to be one of those sand on the floor, post surf party holes that Hollywood try to mimic in their movies.  It was a cool place.  Now, just full of the london jet set, all guff, FIGJAM’s and skinny mocha choca gluten free soya iced lattes.

And they call that progress.  The human race is doomed.


Welcome Mr. Adrian Jones !

For those of you that are unaware, I have been in Falmouth for the last few weeks, helping an old chum with a yacht.  As you might expect, in England, it pisses down every day.  So far, just one day without rain but that wasn’t long enough for the puddles to dry up.

So yesterday, I found myself on another walking mission to Trago Mills.  For the uninitiated, Trago Mills is a local phenomenon in Cornwall.  A local and well established small chain of large shops, that, as far as I can tell, sell a little bit of everything.  Their shops are an aladins cave of stuff, shops so big you get lost.  It always reminds me of that scene from Father Ted when all of the priests get ‘lost’ in the lingerie section – the largest in Ireland.

 

Stay focused now.

A trip to Trago’s is always something to get excited about.  Primarily because you always see something new while you are there but more interestingly because it passes the oldest pasty shop in Cornwall (their claim , not mine).

On this particular day, I called in mid afternoon.  This is a perfect time of day to go into a pasty shop as everything is half price – or, if you are particularly good at maths conversion – two for the price of one!

I have been slowly working my way through their full pasty menu with each trip to Trago, the chicken pasty I had last time was somewhat disappointing.  This time, I think the timeless classic of ‘mature cheddar and onion’ was called for.

Just out of the corner of my eye I spied a sausage roll. Not just a normal, average, run of the mill sausage roll but an all singing, all dancing , art deco, full of twat waffle, designed especially for the london fashionistas, FIGJAMS’s sausage roll.

So I left the shop with the pasty in my pouch pocket and the sausage roll in my hand. It wasn’t bad to be honest. By the time I got to Trago’s door, the roll was gone. Normally, with a pasty, I would have to stand outside for a few minutes while I finished it off.

Not today.  Pasty in my pouch, I went in.  No doubt stinking the place out.  I could see the shop staff, sniffing the air, they could smell a pasty close by, but they knew not where. It was a bit of fun if I am honest, there can be nothing meaner than the tempting waft of a genuine Cornish pasty under the noses of locals while they work.

I bought my electrical connectors and left.  As soon as I was over that threshold, I whipped that pasty out of my pouch and bit the corner off.  I looked back into the shop and they were all zombified, walking round hunting a pasty like a zombie hunts the living.  Hhhhmmmmmmm   paaasty.

It wasn’t over though.

Walking back to the car on this blustery and rainy day, I suddenly felt the force and flapping of what I assumed was a carrier bag blowing in the wind.  Undaunted, I held my pasty and kept walking.  It was only a cheeky fecking seagull trying to steal my pasty.  Brazen as hell, crashed into my shoulder and the side of my head trying to get a beakfull of Cornwalls finest.

I hung on to my pasty though – that gull was getting none of it.  He hovered and circled for a few seconds while I stared at him (without blinking), called him a few names, threw a few insults at him, things like ‘your mamma eats left over KFC’ or ‘you’ll never get a job as a touch typist with that wing span’,  and it seemed to do the trick.  He backed off and let me go on my way.

Food hygiene was my next thought – I had no idea where that beak had been all day.  Easily solved that one, turn the pasty around in the bag and eat it from the other end.

 

Awesome.

Bird arrives on saturday with the grand daughter – if they are lucky, I might just treat them to a pasty and a trip to trago. Had a Russian ship aground this morning at Gilly beach.

 

Cornwall Rocks!

 


Caught a bolt of lightening….

Some things we don’t appreciate until they are gone.  There is a very significant comedienne that fits this category.  I never really appreciated her when she was alive, maybe it was an age thing? By crikey this old bird was sharp.  Sharp, funny and not afraid to say what she wanted.

Stop for a moment and enjoy this old bird at her finest.

 

 

Yeah I know, not to everyone’s taste but by crikey she makes me laugh.

 

So – my silence. Let me explain.

 

Studying.  Taken over my life so far this year, certainly over the last 2 months or so.  I have been consumed with pushing myself to improve my marine licence and get onto bigger boats with a more acceptable schedule.  So for the last few days I have been in sunny Newcastle to sit what should have been my last two papers of the year.

Newcastle hasn’t been kind to me over the years.  A few years back you may remember I came up here for the Great North Run aiming for a 1 hour 45 min finish time, instead missing out by around 17 minutes.

On the way up on Tuesday afternoon, I triggered a speed camera on the motorway.  I reckon I was doing about 71mph when the gantry suggested only 60mph.  Doesn’t matter that there was sod all on the roads and sod all reason to issue the 60 limit.  I was over.  Amazes me to be able to do 30mph past a school at kicking out time but 70mph on a 4 lane motorway on a bright sunny afternoon when only 2 lanes are busy is a no no.

Yesterday, Newcastle continued to be unkind.  I was served up an exam paper that was an absolute fucker !  I am pretty sure I have not done enough to pass that one. A resit is on the horizon.

Its weird really because Newcastle and the locals are superb.  I have never met such a cannie bunch in all fairness.  As far as accents go, a geordie accent is as sweet and sexy as an East German.

I once worked with a geordie at LeasePlan, Brian Cairnes I think was his name.  He told me once, if you can master these 3 words in Geordie, you can master the whole lingo.  Try it for yourself

Kawasaki

Photocopier

Conjunctivitis

Anyway – I now have a few weeks to either get back to work or sit and wait for my results to come through.  There are a few things I would like to catch up on, including just seeing friends.  I have been so consumed over the last few months that I have seen no-one.

 

Is it just me or are Fire Engines getting smaller?  I was at the birds the other week.  As we pulled up, I could hear a smoke alarm.  I wandered to the bottom of the street and sure enough a house was on fire.  Being fully trained for that sort of shit I checked with the owner that everyone was out then had a cheeky gander myself to see if there was anything I could do.  In all fairness, everyone was out, no pets missing and the back bedroom was well alight so I retreated to the street to pass the info onto the brigade when it arrived.

I could hear the sirens in the distance, I knew the were coming.  Surely they could see the smoke too.  When they arrived – I was shocked.  That engine wasn’t much bigger than my Range Rover.  I also noticed at my local station that they too have one of these smaller units.  Maybe fires are just not as big as they used to be, all these flame retardant modern materials and stuff?

Silence over.  Maybe I will write some really interesting shit this summer.  Maybe I will find something that completely mesmerises me, maybe I will work on my fitness and lose some weight, maybe maybe maybe…….

 

I was reminiscing the other night, the good old days of early Saturday morning starts to be on the break in Cornwall by 9am.  The SRI Vectra dropped on its arse, boards on the roof and The Distillers for company on the 4 hour drive down. Leaning forward as we approached the ‘Welcome to Cornwall’ sign on the motorway then shouting at Mr Richer that ‘I was in Cornwall before you’.

So I guess I should treat you to Ms Brody Dalle………..hot hot hot hot hot.!

 

 

But remember, I am a classic Libran – perfect balance, a yin for the yang, a feng for your shui, a McDonalds for the Burger King.

So lets balance the musical mood with a Dance Classic from back in the day (you can see my previous rants about that phrase further down the page).  I remember this tune with fondness.  I was working in Royal Leamington Spa at the time, and , if I say so myself, it was an insanely buff period of my life – I turned heads even when fully clothed.  I went into a record shop (youngsters ask your parents about those!) and asked for this track by the artist.  So cool was my Mojo that the mofo behind the counter said ‘Who?’

 

Enjoy

 

 

They just don’t make ’em like that any more eh?

So what next I hear you ask?  A summer of indecision I think.  Do I work or wait for my notice of exam failure and get straight back on it?

I will let fate help me with that decision I think.  I have a few chores to catch up on at home, at the birds and the birds’ daughters so surely I can keep busy for a coupe of weeks at least? Hell I might even win the euromillions tonight.

 

But in case I don’t – I have a plan.  If you have a plan, stick to it.

 

 

 


Mokele Mbembe

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear November Archives, Happy Birthday to me

Whoop whoop whoop, yahoo, yay yay yay – whatever  (as I am currently in the states, all the whoops, yays and yahoos are mandatory), fist bump, high 5 – fuck yeah!!!  Goddamn .

It’s official – on May 8th (say that out-loud in your best Geordie accent!) The November Archives turned 9 years old and is now officially in its tenth year of publication, something of a milestone I think.  Put that into a different perspective, my little blog has been around longer than the iPhone and will no doubt still be going strong when the iPhone has gone the same way as that old dinosaur The blackberry.  If you need help in perfecting the ‘May the 8th’ in Geordie, may I offer three little words as practise – if you can master these three words, it is fair to say you are fluent in geordie – repeat out loud, or better still, to someone else in your house or work place, or just stand out on the street and bellow them at passers by

Kawasaki

Photocopier

Conjunctivitis

You are now fluent my friend – go forth and converse but be careful not to get ‘yer teeth kicked in man!’

 

Lots has changed since I first sat in the Bubble Lounge down in Sagres and penned my first blog entry.  The bubble lounge is no more, replaced suitably by Warung.  The iPhone was born and has also suffered 6 reincarnations since its birth.  The whole world has become a place where people right now and for generations to come, are developing spinal damage as they constantly stare at their smart phone screens.  People no longer go to concerts and watch the gig for themselves but seem to prefer to concentrate on holding the smart phone above their heads recording the whole thing, for what I can only assume is bragging rights – the right to say that you were there and prove it.  This alone makes me gasp in disbelief.  There was a saying I heard years ago about ‘Woodstock’ that went something like this ‘ If you can remember being there – then you weren’t really there!’  Whats more, can you imagine the pain of watching a music concert in its entirety on a phone ?  These observations were made only recently in my life as I watched many of the iTunes music festivals that are broadcast live on the WWW. A sea of fans illuminated by their screens.  Of course, there are concerts where hanging onto your phone would have been impossible too – The Offspring and Skunk Anansie are two that I remember partially.

Sound Garden, The Pixies, Katy Perry, Jessie J, Coldplay, NOCEREMONY/// have all been on iTunes for free.  Of course, I wanted to be there for myself but never won the tickets – Yes, I did apply for free tickets for a Katy Perry concert, but equally too, I tried for the Pixies.

Most recently of course, I finally decided to spend a chunk of money on a quality car rather than the 300 quid junkers that I normally favour. This has caused some concerns when choosing a suitable parking place as I try my best to keep the body panels straight and dent free.  I like the comfort but the worry keeps me awake at night.

Bringing you swiftly up to date, I am currently in Florida and next weekend will be setting sail for Rio de Janeiro in Brazil – a good two weeks of hard sailing lay ahead but man am I glad to be back on a sailing boat with their coffin sized beds and work spaces made for midgets – a great new adventure lays ahead and lets not forget, this will be my first time sailing across the equator.  Once I have crossed it, I will be able to watch the water go down the plug hole anti clockwise instead of clockwise.

I just bumped into a guy today that reminded me of Alex Faggotpants down in Kernow.  Some of you will remember Alex as my lodger from Benn Street but for those of you that don’t, look for an old programme on the tv called ‘The Brittas Empire’ and there, disguised as Chris Barry you will see Alex Faggotpants.  Faggot as he is more affectionately known by his closest Rugby chums, was a spitter for Gordon Brittas in looks and mannerisms so imagine my surprise today when I found another doppelgänger here in Fort Lauderdale.

At this point, some words of encouragement please – the missus is running a 20k next weekend, a quick hurrah for her, my sister is also clocking up the miles and Steve Brown has agreed to come and run the next Park Run (www.parkrun.com) so it will be a real gang bang for the next time I am in blighty, there will be me, Steve, Rue, Claire, Sis (still working on that one) and maybe even the missus if she doesn’t quit running the second she crosses the finish line.

For the more loyal readers amongst you, you may remember some years ago I ran a competition for the 20,000th reader to win a new 3 series BMW.  You may also remember an old flame of mine winning the competition but then being disqualified for making me change her name on the blog.  Well, Gary Lineke as I called her post op, won’t be running in this competition and I promise no more name changes ever but in an effort to break the 40,000 hits barrier before my 10th anniversary next year, I am offering 10 absolutely free T-shirts for the first 10 SUBSCRIBED users to leave a comment on THIS post suggesting why they deserve a T-shirt.  There is no catch other than you can only win 1 shirt per subscribed user – I say this because I fully expect Connor to leave 10 comments before anyone else even reads this, you can’t beg one for your significant other, they should subscribe too,  and yes, I fully expect Connor to get a shirt and the other 9 to remain in my wardrobe for the next 10 years.  They will be sent P&P free so even if you are all the way down there in S.A. over in Oz, NZ or the Nordics – you will get one.

 

All up to you – usual rules apply – I make them up as I go along.  Winners are required to send a selfie for posting on The November Archives of them wearing their shirts.

 

 

 

 

 


Dog days are over !

Day 2 of the Antigua Superyacht Challenge  and the carnage continues.  Today we have managed to damage two sails.  One being the big spinnaker on the front, a huge huge sail, tore in half on race 1 this morning, then on race 2, the mizzen stay sail got tangled on the drop and we managed to put one of the VHF aerials through it.  To make matters worse, as we were trying to recover the sail, the skipper started a turn too early and we caught it again on the main rig – so up went Zayn with his knife to cut it free. So one torn in half, the other holed in two different places, and of course, it’s bloody hot here.

At a party the other night, I realised something obvious that I wish I knew years ago. Chicks like dancing, everyone knows that, and chicks like to dance with their men, and there lies the problem.  Men don’t like to dance unless of course,  they are good at it and very few are, especially the straight ones.  It dawned on me while watching the oldies having a good time on the dance floor that when men get to a certain age, they forget their inhibitions about their dancing skills and just have a go anyway, and they have a good time – better still, the chicks don’t give a toss what their men dance like anyway and have an even better time still.

Far from it for me not to have a good time so I slipped into what I lovingly refer to as ‘fuckabout mode’ and rocked the night away coaxing as many of the crew and guests to join me, I even tried the Dirty Dancing lift at one point but couldn’t lift her above my head – and she was far from big too.

I do sorely miss the live music culture that was England, and more specifically Cornwall.  Live bands in venues like Blue Bar -Porthtowan, The Driftwood in St Agnes or even Tricky Dickies so it was good to have a live band here in Nelsons Dockyard.  They weren’t too bad either.  As a final song, I heard the intro chords and thought ‘Florence’ – and I wasn’t wrong.  There is something strangely charming about windmilling or aero-planing your way around the dance floor with a dozen other crazy English fools.

To finish on a pleasant note – I treated myself to a rather spiffing Range Rover Sport last week.  Not that I was after a Sport but when I saw the photos, I loved it.  Steve-o checked it out for me and the transfer was made.  It is now sitting on the drive in England waiting for my return in March where it will stay for a couple of weeks before being whisked off to Belgium for a month and then road tripped to Mallorca for the rest of the year.

Expect more carnage tomorrow – the last day of racing

Antigua Superyacht Challenge


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