Author Archives: hairygoose

Welcome Mr. Adrian Jones !

For those of you that are unaware, I have been in Falmouth for the last few weeks, helping an old chum with a yacht.  As you might expect, in England, it pisses down every day.  So far, just one day without rain but that wasn’t long enough for the puddles to dry up.

So yesterday, I found myself on another walking mission to Trago Mills.  For the uninitiated, Trago Mills is a local phenomenon in Cornwall.  A local and well established small chain of large shops, that, as far as I can tell, sell a little bit of everything.  Their shops are an aladins cave of stuff, shops so big you get lost.  It always reminds me of that scene from Father Ted when all of the priests get ‘lost’ in the lingerie section – the largest in Ireland.

 

Stay focused now.

A trip to Trago’s is always something to get excited about.  Primarily because you always see something new while you are there but more interestingly because it passes the oldest pasty shop in Cornwall (their claim , not mine).

On this particular day, I called in mid afternoon.  This is a perfect time of day to go into a pasty shop as everything is half price – or, if you are particularly good at maths conversion – two for the price of one!

I have been slowly working my way through their full pasty menu with each trip to Trago, the chicken pasty I had last time was somewhat disappointing.  This time, I think the timeless classic of ‘mature cheddar and onion’ was called for.

Just out of the corner of my eye I spied a sausage roll. Not just a normal, average, run of the mill sausage roll but an all singing, all dancing , art deco, full of twat waffle, designed especially for the london fashionistas, FIGJAMS’s sausage roll.

So I left the shop with the pasty in my pouch pocket and the sausage roll in my hand. It wasn’t bad to be honest. By the time I got to Trago’s door, the roll was gone. Normally, with a pasty, I would have to stand outside for a few minutes while I finished it off.

Not today.  Pasty in my pouch, I went in.  No doubt stinking the place out.  I could see the shop staff, sniffing the air, they could smell a pasty close by, but they knew not where. It was a bit of fun if I am honest, there can be nothing meaner than the tempting waft of a genuine Cornish pasty under the noses of locals while they work.

I bought my electrical connectors and left.  As soon as I was over that threshold, I whipped that pasty out of my pouch and bit the corner off.  I looked back into the shop and they were all zombified, walking round hunting a pasty like a zombie hunts the living.  Hhhhmmmmmmm   paaasty.

It wasn’t over though.

Walking back to the car on this blustery and rainy day, I suddenly felt the force and flapping of what I assumed was a carrier bag blowing in the wind.  Undaunted, I held my pasty and kept walking.  It was only a cheeky fecking seagull trying to steal my pasty.  Brazen as hell, crashed into my shoulder and the side of my head trying to get a beakfull of Cornwalls finest.

I hung on to my pasty though – that gull was getting none of it.  He hovered and circled for a few seconds while I stared at him (without blinking), called him a few names, threw a few insults at him, things like ‘your mamma eats left over KFC’ or ‘you’ll never get a job as a touch typist with that wing span’,  and it seemed to do the trick.  He backed off and let me go on my way.

Food hygiene was my next thought – I had no idea where that beak had been all day.  Easily solved that one, turn the pasty around in the bag and eat it from the other end.

 

Awesome.

Bird arrives on saturday with the grand daughter – if they are lucky, I might just treat them to a pasty and a trip to trago. Had a Russian ship aground this morning at Gilly beach.

 

Cornwall Rocks!

 


Password Etiquette

Miffed by it all?  I am.

Those tech geeks do it just to piss us all off. The meek really will inherit the earth.

There are a couple of things I don’t understand about passwords.  Let me explain.

I have three passwords in total.  Facebook has its own, that is not shared with any other application purely and simply because I don’t trust those feckless dimwits. Anything financial has the most complex of passwords – currently a 16 digit alpha-numeric with symbols and caps/lower case, you know the king of sites, Amazon, Virgin Atlantic, Trainline etc etc, then lastly for anything else I have an 11 digit alpha numeric for lower level security stuff.

This is where it startes to get tricky.

So Virgin, to point a finger, won’t let me have the 16 digit password, it says its too long. So for booking flights and train tickets, I have to remember a different password

Qatar Airways to point another finger, also wont accept a 16 digit password but also insist that I include ‘special characters’.

Hotels.com to really get my goat, wont accept a full stop as a special character in an already complex alpha numeric, caps/lower case password.

So that leads to two versions of my super secure password

 

Now, forgetting a password shouldn’t be such a problem right ? we can answer our memorable questions???

Dream on !

This , I really don’t understand.  Why do I have to choose a memorable question from their drop down list of completely irrelevant questions, questions that I have to think hard for a suitable answer, one that I will never remember in the future.

Why can’t I write the question AND the answer?  After all, the proof they need is the correct answer to match the question.

For example

Question one – what is my shoe size

Question two – first 4 digits of my phone number

Simple right? questions I would know and remember instead of ‘who was my first teacher’ or ‘the name of my first pet’ or better still ‘the name of your village or town’.  That one I especially like.  Ask anyone that travels like me the name of their town and you could get a different answer every month.

So Tech Nerds

 

UP YOURS

 


God is a DJ

It really doesn’t get any better than this.  For the last few days, I have been chasing out earth leaks on the boat.  For those not in the know, an earth leak is stray electricity – going somewhere it shouldn’t.  Can be catastrophic on a boat.

 

So this morning I started on the 3rd distribution box that is showing a leak.  Quite a thankless task searching for leaks, Isolate a box, break all the live sides, then unscrew all the neg sides in the back of the box, fiddling through the breakers and cables with your finger, careful not to drop those tiny screws and washers. Then, one cable at a time, reconnect and test for leaks with each individual connection.  Gets a bit painful if you have 30 or so breakers in a box, even more painful when your access to the test box is in a crawl space under the floor.

Well today, I found this little beauty to help me speed through the day – there is a god!

 

 

 

 

 

 


I predict a Riot

Have to start off with – I AM LOVING THE NEW NOKIA !!!!

 

Let me remind you – all the specs of a Samsung or iPhone, dual sim, expandable memory, two cameras blah blah blah – machined from a single billet of aluminium so going to be tough as hell but here is the clincher……….since last saturday, that is now 6 nights ago, I have only charged it twice.  I shit you not, two charges in a week. A smart phone that only needs charging twice in a week – that has to be something special.  OK, so I am not a person that uses my phone heavily but I have used it for GPS tracking, text, calls and even for a while in the week, I used it as a wireless router so that I could play Xbox live!!

Still not convinced?  well, it has that famous Nokia ring tone but the real show stopper – ⅓ the price of an iPhone or Samsung equivalent. So when that Gorilla glass on your Samsung breaks when a fly lands on it, or your kids drop your iPhone and the glass breaks and you are faced with a £200 repair bill (and a weeks wait while it is repaired if you choose Samsung), think about the Nokia.  Break the screen on this little beauty and its cheap enough to go and buy a new one.  Forget £80 a year to insure your phone against damage that is should realistically be able to withstand – GO NOKIA !!

I chose the uber sexy black and copper for my 6.1 plus and it looks slick, feels robust and runs sweetly on Android One.

A big thumbs up to the Fins !

 

There – done.

 

Now lets talk V8, more specifically V8 supercharged, and most precisely V8 Supercharged – shaped like a brick.

I left Bedworth last Friday afternoon heading for Falmouth at around 16:00.  I tapped the post code into my SatNav and the route came up, something like 280 miles.  Very shortly after that, the message appeared, ‘not enough fuel for journey’.  Funny huh – my tank was full but the beast wanted to use it all.  I did manage to coax it along though and arrived in Falmouth with 20 miles of spare fuel.

Next Morning I headed to Redruth.  I thought ah, Tesco will have the cheapest fuel around here. I was wrong.  They were 5p a litre more expensive than a local stop in Falmouth that I drove past to get there.  I splashed £12 in quickly as I was off the bottom of the gauge, and that splash never even registered, still showing nada after a £12 tipple.  I drove back to Falmouth and filled the little beauty up.

So now I sit in Falmouth Harbour all alone on a boat.  The crew are all taking time off and I am enjoying relaxing and playing Xbox on my lonesome (yep , I brought my Xbox and TV with me).  Its blowing a hoolie but I am relaxed – I mean, what could I do if it went tits up?  I am all alone and being blown onto the dock. Safe as houses !!

Still looking for my new job – harder than I was expecting it to be with my newly upgraded licence.

 

Hey Conor – whasssssuuupp


A Nokia comeback ?

So my year of study comes abruptly to an end.  It is extremely pleasing to have maintained a 100% first time pass record for all of my marine studies.  Those in the know, will be well aware how hard I have worked this year to achieve them all.

Earlier this week I overcame the last hurdle and passed my oral exam in Hull.  Very rapidly posted my documents off to get them upgraded and then at 6am the very next morning, got on a plane to Italy for a month of work.

Back to the grind for a month – while I continue the search for something .

I was also fortunate enough to be able to sit a speed awareness course.  You may remember I got flashed (sadly a speed camera – not a naked wench)  while driving up to Newcastle earlier in the year for two of my exams. It was an eye opener but not for reasons you may suspect.

There was a girl there that was telling a story about two guys that were crossing a road when they were hit by a car and killed.  She said the car was reportedly travelling at 50mph and she was shocked that a car hitting a person at 50 would be enough to kill them.  My thoughts – can people really be so stupid?

I blame Hollywood.  See, in the movies, you can be running a marathon, get hit head on by a speeding bus, bounce across the roof and over the side, brush off the dirt and finish the race while still setting a new world record time.  A bit like the A Team back in the 80’s – all those gun shots and no-one ever got hurt.  Makes the yoot of today think they are invincible.

Any road up – I am now more wiser to the operations of those new smart motorways – and I still have a clean licence.

Now, telephones – lets talk.  I dropped apple some time ago now and favour the Android system because of the freedom and options it gives you over iOS.  What miffed me though, was just how easy my Samsung ‘Gorilla Glass’ broke on my phone 4 times in one year.  Now, I am not generally a heavy breaker of phones.  In all the years with iPhone, I only ever broke 1 screen – in fact, I had only ever broken one screen since I got my first phone in 1995.

The Samsung replacements were not cheap either, nearly £200 for a front and £80 for a rear. Add that to the £750 purchase cost and you have a whopping £1310 over two years – if you ask me, that is taking the piss, plain and simple.

It gets worse – for each repair, expect to be without your Samsung for a full week.  That would be a real shitter if you didn’t have a spare.  You can’t walk into a repair shop with them, you have to courier them away.

I chatted with the guys in carephonewhorehouse about this. The spotty little oik had an answer for me – buy insurance at £80 a year! Now, I very nearly told him to fuck off but instead, I tried to explain.

I shouldn’t have to buy insurance for something when it is made with ‘Gorilla Glass’.  The name implies a significant inherent amount of strength – correct me if I am wrong.  I would never expect a phone glass to break while it was in my front pocket and I was laying on the floor.

They didn’t get it.  I wilted a little.

I had a cunning plan though………..NOKIA.

Remember them?  Those tech geeks from Finland are making a bit of a come back. I have been checking out their product for a few weeks now.  Their offering, a Nokia 6.1 plus comes with 64gb of internal storage, expandable up to 400gb, yep 400 – that’s enough memory to put everything I have on my macbook pro onto, 4gb RAM and a 1.8ghz processor.  16mp front camera and a 5mp rear will capture your wrinkles in every selfie.  It also boasts dual sim capability although I am not sure if that is at the demise of the expandable memory but time will tell because I ordered one.  It runs on Android so that means I can pick it up and it will work exactly like my Samsung – no need to learn a new operating system.

Do I sound excited?

Honestly, I am a bit.  The biggest part of that excitement is because of how much it cost.  I bagged all those specs, that will compete with any iPhone or Samsung for a fraction of the price.  Yep, my new Nokia rolled in via the postie at a tad under – yes UNDER …………………………….£250.

There is one downside – not splash proof.  My theory is at that price I can afford to buy a new one every 6 months for the next 2 years and still save over £300 on the Samsung experience across the same time period.

There was another angle I considered.  The new Samsung Note 9 with 1TB of storage and a Dex system and then when my Mac dies, I can do away with a laptop altogether.  Downside there is the Mac still works well enough even if I do believe it is on its last legs – the new Samsung is over a grand though – and as Mike Skinner so famously said – ‘A grand don’t come for free’.

Now based on my experience with Samsung after sales and the running costs – I opted for the Nokia – I will update you soon on the demise of Samsung.

And Finally

 

I found a little note tucked in my shoe of the morning of my oral exam earlier this week.  A little surprise from the missus as I was getting dressed for battle.  She likes to do that when I am travelling, just to remind me she is there – waiting patiently.  I thought I would share it with you.

 

 

 

 

 


A steely gaze

Has it happened to you?  You are sitting somewhere, locked in an unfocused gaze.  Your friend pipes up ‘what are you thinking about?’ and your natural response is

‘I was just wondering if I have PPI’

Well, it never happened to me but it does turn out that I did indeed have PPI.  A text message from my bank this morning showing a credit of nearly £1600 – with a reference ‘PPI’.  Of course, the company took a hefty chunk – 25% + VAT but still, money for old rope.

The biggest surprise was not the fact I had PPI without knowing – oh no.  The biggest surprise was finding the culprit.  See, over the years I have borrowed from many institutions and there were a few that I was sure would come up positive.  Years ago there was a company called HFC Bank, I was sure they would have ripped me off.  Then Alliance and Leicester, had a few loans with them – but nothing.

The shock came when I found out that First Direct – my wholly trusted bank since the 90’s had charged me twice.  First Direct, part of that giant HSBC had charged me on a loan and a mortgage.  Honestly, I was stunned by that.  I would have almost trusted them with my life.

Sad thing is, they are very good at looking after their customers – so much so, I have recommended them several times in the past.  It’s a sad day when an old friend lets you down so badly.

 

Years ago, I ventured into a Lidl store to try it out.  When I say years ago, it was when they first came to the UK.  If you remember, and you tried it back then, you will remember what a complete cluster fuck it was.  No amount of saving money would have me putting up with that nonsense twice a week.

All that has changed my chums.  Earlier this week, I ventured into Lidl again.  Long gone is the shit fight that used to be. Brands laid on shelves waiting to be picked up.  I was astounded (and I don’t use that word lightly) by the amount of goods that were produced in Britain or contained produce from Britain – this alone should be a good enough reason to shop there, especially ‘post brexit’.

What was even better was the price.  My two full ‘bags for life’ cost me less than £21 and have fed me quite happily for 5 days now – I am sure I will also survive the weekend on what I have.  Admittedly, it was all food. no cleaning, hair & beauty, alcohol present, but damn it was cheap.  I suspect the same bags of stuff at Sainsbury or Tesco would have cost 50% more.

‘How does it taste?’ I hear you cry

Well – bloody good I would say.  The soups have been spectacular, the wraps stupendous, cottage cheese way better than Sainsbury or Tesco, fruit and veg going strong still, the chicken was delicious but breakfast cereal will be a little boring wherever you buy it from.  I did have a problem with the eggs but I suspect that may have been down to operator error not waiting for the pan to be on the boil before inserting the eggs.

So – I am a convert.  The only thing missing was cucumber.  I will get that at Tesco later.

 

Still studying.  My last results came back as two passes.  One was just a scrape through but a pass is a pass and that’s all I needed.  Honestly thought I had failed that one and was preparing to re-sit in October when my results landed.  I opened the envelope to see the results.

The SQA that manage the exams send a summary page of all of the exams you have sat with them, usually these are in date order.  When I opened the letter my eyes dropped to the last two lines on that page.  Both said passes.  Convinced I had failed one, I didn’t believe it and looked at the top two lines – both of those said passes.  Still not convinced, I scanned the whole column – each line said ‘PASS’.

Still not convinced, I went back to the top and started reading the subjects.  This time, the latest subjects were at the top. I read them, both passes.  Read them again – still both passes and then, those immortal words echoed from my lips while I stood with both of my parents in their kitchen – ‘ Fuck Me – I passed them both’.

Now either their hearing aids were not working properly or they decided to give me that one on the house considering the circumstances.  All was well.

I remained in shock as I was convinced – without doubt, that I would re-sit one of them.

 

Do you ever catch yourself saying something stupid?  I did the other day.  The missus is away on holiday and I am looking after her dog.  We were getting ready to go out in the car and as we were going in the Range Rover, he had to go in the boot so he didn’t scratch the leather.

I started the car and found the dog opened the tailgate and put him inside.

As I put him down and prepared to close the tailgate – I said to him, ‘Roshea (that’s his name) – Stay There’

I mean, what a dumb thing to say right, where was he going to go?  The gate was still closed on the driveway.

 

Back to studies – last exam on 3rd October – here’s hoping to maintain that 100% 1st time pass rate


If I ran the country

The first thing I would do is ban the mobile network three.co.uk

These ever so decent chaps have just hiked the cost of international calling by more than double. Naturally I had to call them.  My suggestion was simple – as they had changed the cost of my contract mid term, the should release me from it without penalty.

Pretty straight forward I thought but the guy on the other end of the phone was having none of it. He gave me two options.  I could leave without penalty but couldn’t take my number with me, you know, that number I have had for more than 10 years? Or, I could pay the early termination penalty and keep my number.

I desperately explained how unfair that was as they had changed my tariff mid contract but he stood his ground.  Eventually I lost my cool and called him a bully.  That made him scuttle off to talk to someone else.

On his return he was somewhat apologetic.  He was just beginning to realise how much my calls had gone up.  He explained that there was nothing they could do as it was a company policy but as a gesture of goodwill (apparently I am a good customer) the offered a £30 credit on my bill. I took it, naturally.

Then this month I wanted to check to see if the credit had been applied to the bill.  In this modern, environmentally leaning society that we live in, I have paperless billing and instead use their app to see my bills.  Of course, their app wasn’t working.  I contacted them and after 20 minutes and 3 different operators, I hung up.  Some stroppy bitch on the other end of the phone really did get my goat.  They tried calling me back but I blocked their number.

 

 

Seriously – what a hike.

 

Other things I would change revolve around motoring.  See last week I got a speeding ticket.  1st one of this millennium I might add but nonetheless it is still a ticket.  What happened?  Heading north on the M1 in South Yorkshire, 4 lanes of motorway at probably 20% capacity, one lane completely free, lane 3 very light, lanes 1 and 2 not even moderately occupied.

The little matrix at the side of the road said 60mph, so like most people, I dropped my speed and prepared to see a reason ahead as to why we needed to slow a little.  After a short while of seeing nothing out of the ordinary I hit ‘resume’ on the cruise control. I carried on for a while when suddenly I saw the double flash on a car in front of me – oh shit I thought, then it flashed again, this time on me.

My crime – 69mph when the gantry said 60mph.  No workforce in the road, no obstructions in the road, clear sunny weather (heat wave actually) and nothing between me and the end of the 60 zone that warranted a reduction in speed. I got my ticket 2 days ago.

It got me thinking a little bit.  See to me, it was completely unneccessary to reduce the speed, there was no reason to.  Then I thought – I could drive past a school at kicking out time at 30mph and not get flashed by a camera – that would be more risky in my book.

Then of course there are the phone users – wedged to their ear as they negotiate roundabouts and corners or the people that have a beer or two and drive.

So I would change a few things.

Motorways – 80mph in the dry – 60mph in the rain – works for the French and it is very easy to cross France in a car.  At 85mph (65mph) in the wet – you get your points and a fine.

Schools at kicking out time – 20mph max for half a mile either side of the school gates – no tolerance here, 21mph gets you a ticket.

Caught on a phone? 6 points and £500 fine – no exceptions. Come on, a bluetooth kit is as little as £15!!

Alcohol when driving – ZERO.  I say this based on my own beautiful experience.  See I am one of those cheap dates that can actually get a little shit faced from one bottle of beer.

 

Dodgy number plates and front windows with illegal tints – prohibition on car at roadside, cannot be driven away with said defects.

Uninsured drivers – cars confiscated. Instead of crushing them, they are sold at public auction, the proceeds of which are returned to the police to assist with funding.  In fact this should be extended to all items that can be sold if they have been purchased with the proceeds of crime

Mobile speed detection vans (don’t give me that safety partnership bullshit) – could only work at sites where either there had been an accident in the last couple of years OR residents had requested its presence. Any fines to go to the local council who use the funds directly to improve the accident black spots to make them safer. And no more camera vans at the bottom of steep hills unless one or both of the criteria above are met. See, I have a real issue when they say safety camera team.  The issue is that they are nearly always positioned in spots that provide them with the best results.

 

After all of that, I also had a killer thought.

 

If the money, time and effort that local authorities have invested in camera vans, smart motorways with gantry cameras, average speed cameras, road humps, chicanes etc etc had been spent on combating knife crime – they would probably save more lives pound for pound.

But that’s just me trash talking because I just got a speeding ticket.

Anything else in the news?

 

 

 

 

 


%d bloggers like this: