Monthly Archives: February 2008

Crisis in the Caribbean

Life is so tough at times.  I am stuck in the swealtering heat of Martinique with no idea when we will be leaving for home which is a real drag.
and now, now, i have just ran out of PG tea.  What is an englishman supposed to do to get by?
ideas on a postcard please.

modern life

Things have changed since i was a kid.  Once , i remember taking a dump at the local train station, back in the day when people did actually poo outside of their own homes.  On the back of the door was some humourous graffiti.  Amongst others, a little line saying –
why is abbreviation such a long word?
even at a young age, i actually got the irony.  the next graffiti though, at that time, escaped me.  it was written further down, right near the bottom.  it read –
if you are reading this, you are straining at an angle of 45º
At the time i didnt get it, a bit like Kilroy was ‘ere, but it stayed with me until it sunk in and i had finished my wipe cycle
So that got me to thinking about modern day.  Most of us will now have met someone that looks nothing like their photo, have e mail addresses, facebook accounts, blogs in cyberspace and god knows what else. For those of you that are confused with all the little abbreviations that seem to be bastardising our beautiful language, i have decided finally to unravel this little maze of modern blurb.
BRB – this is from sesame street, it is a line by ernie, it means – ‘Burt, ready Burt?’
LMAO – an easy one to remember, simply ‘Look mum, an Owl!’
LMFAO – military use, from a tank division – ‘Left mike, forward and openfire!’
LOL – used mainly by builders on building sites, it simply means ‘ Look out love!’ shouted at passers by when they drop bricks and hammers
m8 – government codeword. New secret motorway planned for glasgow, it will be called the M8 (M is code for motorway)
gr8 – all engineers know this one ‘gooseberry ratchet — size 8’
GTG – sports fans will recognise this in an instant – ‘Golf, ’tis great!’
MILF – Morning Italy – Life’s fine’ but people should use the original italian version BGIVEP but clearly it doesnt work as well
LATWOT – not as commonly used now but trust me, it means ‘look at that wanker over there.’
And there you have it.  I hope i have now enlightened you on modern life and its mysteries.  There are some things i miss from back in the day, like classic scooby doo endings
It’s old man withers, the guy from the haunted amusement park’
And I’d have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you pesky kids!!

upgrade to donkey

click the link to find out how

and she was

Absolutely, mouth wateringly, drop dead gorgeous!
Ladies and gentlemen, last night, at a dock party here in Martinique, i had the pleasure of chatting with the most beautiful french girl of all time.
Yes of course, all french girls have that certain something but man alive, this one really had it going on.
first and foremost – coefficient, that goes without saying, but this girl was also tall and slender.  Now i stand at 6`2“ or 188 for you europeans out there.  she was almost eye height so at least a 6 footer.  long curly hair cascading over those lean bronzed shoulders, lips that any cosmetic surgeon would be proud to put their name to, but these were au naturelle. Her movements were elegant and mesmerising.  As we stood casually chatting, that slight french accent with her spoken english was just perfect, then she tells me she lives in Palma!!!!
It just kept getting better, Santa Catalina to be precise, an area i know well, i could hardly believe what i was hearing. 
And then she dropped it…………………………like an atomic bomb on hiroshima
she lives in palma with the love of her life!!!
i went numb, maybe even dumb, i tried to keep talking and smiling so that she would not notice my disappointment, i think i may have got away with it.  I was mortally wounded…
A little later on, the french guy i used to share an apartment with in Palma came to say hello.  we got chatting and it turns out that this young french honey is actually the chef on his boat, and not only that but she is now sharing the apartment with him.  At this point, you might say ‘its a small world’ but i was still trying to keep my chin off the floor from her earlier statement.
Anyway.  we chatted again before i left, i did manage to get her email address and of course will be sending her a little message when i get back to palma, maybe, maybe i will even be praying that the love of her life dissolves into a distant memory, because a man with integrity NEVER steals.

rant and rave

it´s been a while and i really thought i should have a good old rant and rave about something.  I thought long and hard about what to rant and rave about and could think of sod all.
Ok, at first i thought about having a rant about being stuck in the caribbean for months, not knowing when i can leave for home, but then , as the ever so luscious Lisa Melvin pointed out earlier on messenger – i could be stuck in rugby, england, without sunshine and without beaches.  On its own, not a bad place to be but lets be straight about things, caribbean it aint. She is luscious too, damn i wish i had hooked that one good and proper!
So i sat pondering and pondering and pondering
and then it hit me like a pound of sweaty gusset at mach II.
yep, sex, good old fashioned S-E-X.  Do you know the last time i had it? no, probably not, but i can remember exactly. October 22nd 2007 at around 13.10.  it took 10 minutes to walk from the boat yard at lunchtime to Jess´s apartment in La Llonca. Now, you might find it strange that i am telling you about this, maybe even more strange that i remember the time and date – well, that was my birthday!!!
Oh paddy whitelaw, i bet you are laughing your tits off now!  Even you get it more than that ( or maybe not!!) infact even mason gets more than that and that my chums is a very serious statement to make.
so here i am , a proper english gentleman, in my prime, tall, dark , handsome, well hung………and still without woman, and i am not talking about that old paul young and zucherro track either.  So instead of spreading my wild love seed around the world, what do i do?
I post stupid pictures from around the world.  please take a look, i have no idea where i keep finding this crap but i do, it seems, my only form of stimulation.  some world war II classics from america – fuck yeah!

bless me father – for i have sinned

It´s been so long since my last confession.
I would like to appologise to paddy in mallorca at this moment in time.  My confession contains no filthy shagging sessions, no drunken nights out (or in!) not one thing exciting in any way. I would just merely like to tell you all that i am still alive and now tied up in Martinique.  I havent seen any dolphins, sea turtles or beautiful coral reefs while diving – infact i havent been diving for weeks.
My new longboard is ready and safely stowed in alex faggotpants garage – in alex´s words `your new board is fucking rad ` All i have to do now is get back to blighty and pick the damn thing up.  I can´t tell you how excited that makes me.  Maybe old age is making me sad but if i had the choice of a night with a dozen russian circus lesbians with a jar of chocolate sauce – or an hour with my new long board, i would choose the board every time………..ok, maybe not everytime but it would be a close thing. (i had to say that for paddy)
I will be glad to get back to europe and just be able to get on with things.  It can be hard here to get things done, there are a few exceptions, i have stumbled across a few suppliers who have fallen over themselves to help me out and i have to say, the most helpful were american – they just nail that customer service thing.  Special thanks to Gina in California and Brian in Florida!!
Now, lets get back to that free BMW for the 20,000th reader.  Its still there and we havent reached it yet, still need just over a thousand more hits and we will have it.  Paddy may claim to be an avid reader of my page, but i know better. i know that he only reads it when i mail everyone and tell you to, a bit like Carol `out of office` Mayers , who according to facebook, is finally getting married.
Anyway, visitor number 20,000 gets a free brand new BMW so spread the word and keep coming back, you never know, it could be you.
authors footnote – Free BMW, syndication is allowed, no correspondence will be entered into, authors decision is final, you can enter as many times as you like

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