Category Archives: Goose Freckles

If I ran the country

The first thing I would do is ban the mobile network three.co.uk

These ever so decent chaps have just hiked the cost of international calling by more than double. Naturally I had to call them.  My suggestion was simple – as they had changed the cost of my contract mid term, the should release me from it without penalty.

Pretty straight forward I thought but the guy on the other end of the phone was having none of it. He gave me two options.  I could leave without penalty but couldn’t take my number with me, you know, that number I have had for more than 10 years? Or, I could pay the early termination penalty and keep my number.

I desperately explained how unfair that was as they had changed my tariff mid contract but he stood his ground.  Eventually I lost my cool and called him a bully.  That made him scuttle off to talk to someone else.

On his return he was somewhat apologetic.  He was just beginning to realise how much my calls had gone up.  He explained that there was nothing they could do as it was a company policy but as a gesture of goodwill (apparently I am a good customer) the offered a £30 credit on my bill. I took it, naturally.

Then this month I wanted to check to see if the credit had been applied to the bill.  In this modern, environmentally leaning society that we live in, I have paperless billing and instead use their app to see my bills.  Of course, their app wasn’t working.  I contacted them and after 20 minutes and 3 different operators, I hung up.  Some stroppy bitch on the other end of the phone really did get my goat.  They tried calling me back but I blocked their number.

 

 

Seriously – what a hike.

 

Other things I would change revolve around motoring.  See last week I got a speeding ticket.  1st one of this millennium I might add but nonetheless it is still a ticket.  What happened?  Heading north on the M1 in South Yorkshire, 4 lanes of motorway at probably 20% capacity, one lane completely free, lane 3 very light, lanes 1 and 2 not even moderately occupied.

The little matrix at the side of the road said 60mph, so like most people, I dropped my speed and prepared to see a reason ahead as to why we needed to slow a little.  After a short while of seeing nothing out of the ordinary I hit ‘resume’ on the cruise control. I carried on for a while when suddenly I saw the double flash on a car in front of me – oh shit I thought, then it flashed again, this time on me.

My crime – 69mph when the gantry said 60mph.  No workforce in the road, no obstructions in the road, clear sunny weather (heat wave actually) and nothing between me and the end of the 60 zone that warranted a reduction in speed. I got my ticket 2 days ago.

It got me thinking a little bit.  See to me, it was completely unneccessary to reduce the speed, there was no reason to.  Then I thought – I could drive past a school at kicking out time at 30mph and not get flashed by a camera – that would be more risky in my book.

Then of course there are the phone users – wedged to their ear as they negotiate roundabouts and corners or the people that have a beer or two and drive.

So I would change a few things.

Motorways – 80mph in the dry – 60mph in the rain – works for the French and it is very easy to cross France in a car.  At 85mph (65mph) in the wet – you get your points and a fine.

Schools at kicking out time – 20mph max for half a mile either side of the school gates – no tolerance here, 21mph gets you a ticket.

Caught on a phone? 6 points and £500 fine – no exceptions. Come on, a bluetooth kit is as little as £15!!

Alcohol when driving – ZERO.  I say this based on my own beautiful experience.  See I am one of those cheap dates that can actually get a little shit faced from one bottle of beer.

 

Dodgy number plates and front windows with illegal tints – prohibition on car at roadside, cannot be driven away with said defects.

Uninsured drivers – cars confiscated. Instead of crushing them, they are sold at public auction, the proceeds of which are returned to the police to assist with funding.  In fact this should be extended to all items that can be sold if they have been purchased with the proceeds of crime

Mobile speed detection vans (don’t give me that safety partnership bullshit) – could only work at sites where either there had been an accident in the last couple of years OR residents had requested its presence. Any fines to go to the local council who use the funds directly to improve the accident black spots to make them safer. And no more camera vans at the bottom of steep hills unless one or both of the criteria above are met. See, I have a real issue when they say safety camera team.  The issue is that they are nearly always positioned in spots that provide them with the best results.

 

After all of that, I also had a killer thought.

 

If the money, time and effort that local authorities have invested in camera vans, smart motorways with gantry cameras, average speed cameras, road humps, chicanes etc etc had been spent on combating knife crime – they would probably save more lives pound for pound.

But that’s just me trash talking because I just got a speeding ticket.

Anything else in the news?

 

 

 

 

 


Caught a bolt of lightening….

Some things we don’t appreciate until they are gone.  There is a very significant comedienne that fits this category.  I never really appreciated her when she was alive, maybe it was an age thing? By crikey this old bird was sharp.  Sharp, funny and not afraid to say what she wanted.

Stop for a moment and enjoy this old bird at her finest.

 

 

Yeah I know, not to everyone’s taste but by crikey she makes me laugh.

 

So – my silence. Let me explain.

 

Studying.  Taken over my life so far this year, certainly over the last 2 months or so.  I have been consumed with pushing myself to improve my marine licence and get onto bigger boats with a more acceptable schedule.  So for the last few days I have been in sunny Newcastle to sit what should have been my last two papers of the year.

Newcastle hasn’t been kind to me over the years.  A few years back you may remember I came up here for the Great North Run aiming for a 1 hour 45 min finish time, instead missing out by around 17 minutes.

On the way up on Tuesday afternoon, I triggered a speed camera on the motorway.  I reckon I was doing about 71mph when the gantry suggested only 60mph.  Doesn’t matter that there was sod all on the roads and sod all reason to issue the 60 limit.  I was over.  Amazes me to be able to do 30mph past a school at kicking out time but 70mph on a 4 lane motorway on a bright sunny afternoon when only 2 lanes are busy is a no no.

Yesterday, Newcastle continued to be unkind.  I was served up an exam paper that was an absolute fucker !  I am pretty sure I have not done enough to pass that one. A resit is on the horizon.

Its weird really because Newcastle and the locals are superb.  I have never met such a cannie bunch in all fairness.  As far as accents go, a geordie accent is as sweet and sexy as an East German.

I once worked with a geordie at LeasePlan, Brian Cairnes I think was his name.  He told me once, if you can master these 3 words in Geordie, you can master the whole lingo.  Try it for yourself

Kawasaki

Photocopier

Conjunctivitis

Anyway – I now have a few weeks to either get back to work or sit and wait for my results to come through.  There are a few things I would like to catch up on, including just seeing friends.  I have been so consumed over the last few months that I have seen no-one.

 

Is it just me or are Fire Engines getting smaller?  I was at the birds the other week.  As we pulled up, I could hear a smoke alarm.  I wandered to the bottom of the street and sure enough a house was on fire.  Being fully trained for that sort of shit I checked with the owner that everyone was out then had a cheeky gander myself to see if there was anything I could do.  In all fairness, everyone was out, no pets missing and the back bedroom was well alight so I retreated to the street to pass the info onto the brigade when it arrived.

I could hear the sirens in the distance, I knew the were coming.  Surely they could see the smoke too.  When they arrived – I was shocked.  That engine wasn’t much bigger than my Range Rover.  I also noticed at my local station that they too have one of these smaller units.  Maybe fires are just not as big as they used to be, all these flame retardant modern materials and stuff?

Silence over.  Maybe I will write some really interesting shit this summer.  Maybe I will find something that completely mesmerises me, maybe I will work on my fitness and lose some weight, maybe maybe maybe…….

 

I was reminiscing the other night, the good old days of early Saturday morning starts to be on the break in Cornwall by 9am.  The SRI Vectra dropped on its arse, boards on the roof and The Distillers for company on the 4 hour drive down. Leaning forward as we approached the ‘Welcome to Cornwall’ sign on the motorway then shouting at Mr Richer that ‘I was in Cornwall before you’.

So I guess I should treat you to Ms Brody Dalle………..hot hot hot hot hot.!

 

 

But remember, I am a classic Libran – perfect balance, a yin for the yang, a feng for your shui, a McDonalds for the Burger King.

So lets balance the musical mood with a Dance Classic from back in the day (you can see my previous rants about that phrase further down the page).  I remember this tune with fondness.  I was working in Royal Leamington Spa at the time, and , if I say so myself, it was an insanely buff period of my life – I turned heads even when fully clothed.  I went into a record shop (youngsters ask your parents about those!) and asked for this track by the artist.  So cool was my Mojo that the mofo behind the counter said ‘Who?’

 

Enjoy

 

 

They just don’t make ’em like that any more eh?

So what next I hear you ask?  A summer of indecision I think.  Do I work or wait for my notice of exam failure and get straight back on it?

I will let fate help me with that decision I think.  I have a few chores to catch up on at home, at the birds and the birds’ daughters so surely I can keep busy for a coupe of weeks at least? Hell I might even win the euromillions tonight.

 

But in case I don’t – I have a plan.  If you have a plan, stick to it.

 

 

 


38º 10.7N – 32º 31.9W

Or for those of you with less sense of direction, about a day west of the Açores.  Once there, a quick refuel and shopping trip and we can leave on the last leg to Palma – a further 7 days away.

Its been a long old slog.  Starting from just above Venezuela, a slower boat than promised, lacking in fuel range and we have had to take our time. Two weeks from Grenada to the Açores, which , if you look at the picture below, could still easily be classed as mid atlantic.  A cockroach infestation to keep you on your toes, a Captain that doesn’t want to fill the fresh water tanks as it will slow us down – no concern that one of our water makers has failed, a broken heat exchanger that I repaired with epoxy 5 days ago, running the generator for just 5 hours a day so no air conditioning, random hot water for showers, bilge pumps that don’t work …….the list goes on – and this boat is commercially registered, so you could charter it if you can stomach the smell of diesel fuel from one of the leaking tanks  !!!

 

 

 

All that said, I will be very happy to see land in about 24 hours time.

We did encounter a pod of migrating hump back whales a couple of days ago.  Close enough to hear the thundering as they slammed back into the water – that was a first for me.  Only had the trusty Samsung to hand and didn’t get a chance to zoom in.  Thankfully they were quite close.

 

 

Plodding on, I noticed this add in a paper the other week.  I kind of admired its bluntness. I might just bear them in mind for when my time comes.  Not much straight talking in the world any more, was a tad refreshing, like the yellow snow in my last post.

 

Hoping to get into Palma on the 11th and shall instantly whisk the missus in for a couple of days R & R before hitting the study books hard again on the 21st .  Looking forward to catching up with some old chums that I haven’t seen in a while too.

 

That’ll do for now – 3 exams down, 3 more to convert !  I am amazed that since my switch from Sainsbury to Asda, Sainsbury have noticed my lack of custom to the point that they now want to merge with Asda – they must miss me, who can blame them?

 

 

 

 


Watch out for Yellow Snow

Apparently this weekend there is going to be an abundance of it according to MSN News.


I never said why exactly.

I would like to point out that, due to its northern location, Glasgow is considerably colder than the likes of sunny Warwickshire.  Bone chilling.

More importantly though, I want to share a revelation. Something of a biggie if you ask me. A monster.

I am no longer a Sainsbury’s boy

I realise many of you will stumble as you read that but my time there is done.  I blame my recent revelations around the price of McVities Chocolate digestives and their pricing strategies.  So I have switched.  I now plan to head to Asda.  I like their no bullshit approach of no loyalty programs, no money off vouchers, no nonsense , just low prices.

A couple of chums have mentioned the likes of Lidl but I say to those people ‘slow down a little’ just one step at a time if you please. And remember, Asda always have lower fuel prices than Sainsbury and Tesco, Lidl don’t sell fuel.

I have long been concerned at the way things are marketed at us, a good time to look back a few pages and see my rant about stupid people.  Seems though, it is a world wide phenomenon. Try booking a one way flight to America say.  I promise it will be more expensive than booking a return.  And not just by a few quid either – it will be a significant difference.  I just got the train to Glasgow Central. A one way ticket was £1.90 but a return, just £1.70.  How can that be?  Someone please explain that one to me. Even harder to grasp, the cheaper ticket option also produced 3 paper tickets from the machine whereas the one way option would only have ejected 2. So for the cheaper ticket, the train company has used more ink and more ticket blanks.  Let me summarise that to remove any doubt – more product for less money !

If you are as confused as me, raise your hand.

On a lighter note – I have just finished my third trip to school this year.  Back in January I became qualified to handle refrigerant gases – important that one as they are ozone depleting substances – or ODS as I can now call them.  Last week, an Applied Marine Engineering exam was devoured in Liverpool and this week in Glasgow I have been covering HELM(M). HELM stands for something about human element blah blah blah – one of those ‘keep ’em well cuddled’ attendance only courses that generally don’t achieve much other than making your wallet a grand lighter. Thankfully – that one is a one off and not one of those ‘re-validate every 5 years’ things that the MCA like quite a lot. A bit like the diving instructor licence that I have with PADI.  That must be paid every year if you want to stay valid. Nothing stops me from never teaching but keep paying the fees but they don’t care.  See officially PADI stands for Professional Association of Dive Instructors but those of us in the know, have its true meaning etched in our minds – Put Another Dollar In.

So, back to school.  Been at a Maritime School in Glasgow this week and noticed something with the fire extinguishers.  I reported the issue but I bet nothing gets done – can you spot it?

 

 

 

Was chatting with the squeeze last night on text message. Chatting about a few things that are not suitable to be published here but there were two words that came in to conversation.  Two of my favourite words in the english language as it happens, Melancholy and at the other end of the spectrum, Kaleidoscope. Now, I will fully understand if you need to consult your dictionary for those words.

Melancholy I find mesmerisingly beautiful because of its contradiction. When you read it, or speak it – it most definitely has a happy, jovial, spring blossoms flowering for the first time feel about it.  Reality is the opposite – a heavy, deep sadness.  If a person were described to you as melancholy – you might imagine they were a happy, light hearted fun person to be around. Not so!

Kaleidoscope on the other hand, has no double meaning for me.  What it does represent is a scene of ever changing happy colours, an endless churn of goodness and mood lifting pleasantness.  Visually, I find it weirdly pleasing – the irony of that choice of word is about to be explained.

Kaleidoscope – not many words start with a K in English – even fewer sequence the E & I that way, weird huh ???? It looks different, non conformist, not following the crowd – I like that.

I had a couple of favourite words in Portuguese too – portanto and Foguetão – they just sounded really sexy – don’t forget to roll your R’s.

Anyway, that’ll do for now, I just paid £6.75 for a single glass of red wine in Glasgow Central and now have a dilemma.  That was more than I would normally pay for a bottle – but it was tasty.  I have 3½ hours before my train and could easily do another one.

The Double Whopper with Bacon & Cheese is long gone, as are the cheesy bacon bites.

 

Hmmm

 

 


Switching Sides

A bit late with this post I know – so Rugby Town is now famous for a couple of things.  Yes, the game of Rugby was invented here, hence the name ‘Rugby Football’ (I am constantly amazed at the amount of people that are not aware of this fact).  Most recently, we gained even more infamy.  The Great KFC Chicken Coup.

Never in the history of news and media have I been more amazed at the amount of effort that went into reporting the lack of chicken at KFC outlets across the uk.  For two days, the media was full of it.  At one point, the BBC reported over 60% of the UK KFC outlets were closed due to no chicken.

DHL had just taken control of the delivery contract and made a complete fudge of delivering.  The source of their error – The Rugby Depot!   Lorries full of chicken were being turned away from the DHL distribution centre and the freezers inside the depot were full! The local council also admitted that the DHL centre did not have the correct paperwork to store food at that depot.

Poor DHL……….probably bullied the historical supplier into submission with a bid that was artificially low just to get the business and then cocked up in magnificent style.

 

Another couple of weeks of intense study for me before I head to Liverpool for an exam on 23rd.  Head down in the books on a daily basis for the last month and hopefully this week a  few more things will click into place.  This will be only my second ever time in Liverpool, or more precisely Birkenhead (say that with a scouse accent – it sounds great)

 

After a brief visit to the hot tub last night I put on some old Top Of The Pops. I watched an hour and a half of clips from 1964 – 1975 and you know what, the first thing I noticed was how skinny everyone was back then – everyone.  Some rare old tunes came along too, some rare old tunes like the Righteous Brothers.  Did you know, Bill Medley was one of the Righteous Brothers?  Remember Dirty Dancing?  The Swayze?  The last song of that movie was ‘I had the time of my life’ by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes.  There you go – I have educated you this morning.

 

There were several old time ‘bangers’ in there but I have opted to share just one.  I wanted to share an old Rod Stewart track too but couldn’t find it outside of the BBC.  Maggie May was awesome in its own right but made particularly special with a guest appearance from the late John Peel of BBC Radio fame faking the mandolin solo.  If you have BBC iPlayer – you can find it there on the BBC4 channel.

 

Anyway, for now – let the children boogie in a hazy cosmic jive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


The Field Slider

Once upon a time, many years ago, I tried my hand in a sales role.  Turns out, I was shit at it, my strengths apparently lie in operational stuff – but let me tell you about why I was crap at sales.

Firstly and foremost, the sales role I entered into was for a product I knew well.  It was for a product that I had previously managed from an operational point of view – and very successfully too.  Of course, the sales team loved having me around while pitching to customers because I knew my product well, knew how to work it and knew its limitations.  Then, I moved to a competitor.  At least I thought they were a competitor!  When I got some inside information on their product – I could see just how shit it was, and definitely no match for the product I had just left behind.

Now, not being a sales minded fool, I just couldn’t sell a shit product to unsuspecting clients – I am far too honest for that.  I also struggled with the Finance Director in that company too.  See, they advertised the role as £40k OTE.  For those who are unfamiliar with corporate speak, OTE refers to ‘On Target Earnings’, pretty typical with sales job.  You get a base salary and then you make bonuses based on volume of sales.  The bonuses + the base (on a good year) will equal the OTE.

Simple maths you would have thought ?

Not if you’re a Finance Director it seems.  When I finally got my targets from this guy, I did a very simple calculation.  I added my base salary to the bonuses available for hitting 100% on targets from day 1 and guess what?  That £40k a year was in fact £28k a year.  When I asked the Director of Finances how there could be such a huge difference in what was advertised as OTE and what I could physically achieve, he simply said ‘that’s just the way it is’!

Now imagine….I had just spent 6 months working for Stelios Haji-Ioannou of easyjet fame out of their Camden office – a business man who made decisions with his ego rather than rationale, then to be clobbered by this Finance Director who had less charisma than a cold wet chamois leather – I was convinced that there was no integrity left in the UK.  I fudged the next few months doing absolutely sod all until eventually they said ‘this isn’t working is it?’.  At which point I smiled at the Operations Director and agreed with him – ‘Absolutely not Ken’ I beamed. I then explained why things had progressed that way and my conversation two months prior with the Finance Director.  Poor Ken looked shocked.

He did ask if I wanted to stay for my sales meeting that morning to which I replied ‘of course not’ and I headed for home. I thought that would be it if I am honest.  Until they came to collect the car a month later.  The Finance Director tried to withhold my salary because of a crack in the windscreen and a scratch on the bumper.  I referred him back to my contract, pointing out there was no mention of their ability to withhold funds.  I gave them 3 days to put the money in my bank or I would refer the matter to ACAS and guess what……………the very next day I was paid in full.

Now in short, that’s golf wankers at a corporate level.  See, the FD was a golf wanker and if you weren’t prepared to listen to his shit – you simply weren’t in his favour.  Even before I met him, I hated golf so imagine how much of a sympathetic ear his weedy stories fell on ?

When I left, I did write to one of their board members telling them what had been going on.  Curiously, I learned a year later they had all been fired.   Golf Wankers.

A month after all of that was done, I had sold my house, most of my belongings and left the UK.

I digressed a little there – I was talking about my inability to be a salesman.  You will see a little further down the page a photo from a recent shopping trip to Sainsbury’s.  a 300g packet of McVities Chocolate Digestives costing 10p MORE than a 500g packet.  I questioned why and how Sainsbury’s can do this.  Lets be fair for a moment – Sainsbury’s  are not the only culprit – they are all at it – but how can they do it and get away with it and make money?

The answer is very simple, and a lot closer to home than most of you will imagine.  The reason why they can and do get away with it is that the general public are insanely stupid.  I shall now give you two examples.

 

  1.  My very gorgeous S7 edge broke again recently (another story there – save that for another day).  With both the front and rear screen cracked and a potential repair bill from Samsung in the region of £250 / £300 I started looking at replacing it.  There were 3 items listed on eBay.  Two were fixed price, buy it now sales, both listed at just under £350. The third was an auction style sale, highest bidder wins.  When I first looked, that was at £320 with an additional £7.50 postage. A couple of days later and that auction ended, the final bid at £390 plus postage. So who is paying nearly £50 more for something than the other two listings on eBay? Stupid People!
  2. Just bought a tumble dryer for the missus – I know, romance isn’t dead.  Thought it would make an excellent Valentines Day present to replace her non condensing dryer which was causing much condensation throughout her house.  So, I took a look through eBay again.  With one eye on the environment, I also looked at some tidy second hand options.  While watching and searching, I noticed a company in Leicester that were offering new Hotpoint dryers for £169.  I checked ao.com and the best they were doing was a tad over £200.  Some of the used units were fetching very close to the price of the new Hotpoint so I thought ‘stop wasting your time Wayno’ jumped in the five point oh (no longer focused on the environment) and headed to Leicester to pick one up.  Met the girl at the store, loaded the Range and as I was about to pull away my phone chirped.  eBay – the item you were watching has finished, the winning bid was £179. A second hand dryer had sold for more than I had paid for a new one. Who does that?  STUPID PEOPLE.

So let that be a lesson to you – retailers get away with charging what they like all thanks to STUPID PEOPLE. So the reason I was shit at sales was all down to STUPID PEOPLE and my honesty and integrity that wouldn’t allow me to take their money for a shite product that they could get elsewhere at a better price or a higher quality.

 

Crikey – that was a bit of a rant……..took longer than expected.  Lets get back to the field slider.

 

For the uninitiated, the ‘Field Slider’ is a car.  Generally of low value, minimal street cred unless pimped to some degree, often a second car used to protect a more valued item, front or rear wheel drive (never a 4×4, but rear drive has more kudos than front), ABS is optional and ESP banned.  Any car from the mandatory ESP era simply cannot be considered a field slider.

The idea of the slider is the freedom to be more reckless or careless. No need to lock it, park it where you like, doesn’t matter if someone dings it, cleaning is optional (interior & exterior), birds can shit all over it and it doesn’t matter if it burns the paint, you can throw anything in the back to take to the dump without putting a protection sheet down first, cheap second hand parts are abundant (although trips to the scrap yard these days are not as much fun now that they are not allowed to stack cars 3 high), insurers laugh at you if you ask for comprehensive insurance, people in Sainsbury’s filling station look down their noses at you when you are filling it up, and importantly no matter how dirty you are – your field slider is always happy that you sat in its seat.

But the real attraction of the field slider is its main qualifying criteria – it must be of an age that was pre mandatory ESP or electronic stability program for the abbreviation shy.  See, modern cars, you can hit a bend too hot, brake in the wrong place, accelerate too hard at the wrong time and the car will squirm around underneath you, recover, keep you on the tarmac and spit you out the other end alive and well, feeling like some kind of F1 hero for ‘saving the car’.  The reality is that the stability program just saved you, the car and the ditch from a very compact threesome that wasn’t quite the threesome you had in mind.

A true slider needs understanding, calmness and control. Arguably the best sliders came from Italy.  Alfa’s, Fiats and the absolute legendary Lancia’s.  There are a brace now of suitable rear wheel drives from BMW & Mercedes but be aware – these boys were fitting ESP way before it was a legal requirement. If you are lucky, you might still find an old XR4i or a Brooklands 280 Capri but these are creeping up in value now and may be too expensive to stay in the true ‘slider’ category.

Everybody should have a slider at some point in their life.  Extra points can be earned for pulling up at the Ritz in London in your slider, getting out in your wellies and having the car valet parked.

And lets not forget, the ability of the slider to help compliance with rule 25.

 

The Rules

 

 

 

 


%d bloggers like this: