Category Archives: Goose Freckles

Watch out for Yellow Snow

Apparently this weekend there is going to be an abundance of it according to MSN News.


I never said why exactly.

I would like to point out that, due to its northern location, Glasgow is considerably colder than the likes of sunny Warwickshire.  Bone chilling.

More importantly though, I want to share a revelation. Something of a biggie if you ask me. A monster.

I am no longer a Sainsbury’s boy

I realise many of you will stumble as you read that but my time there is done.  I blame my recent revelations around the price of McVities Chocolate digestives and their pricing strategies.  So I have switched.  I now plan to head to Asda.  I like their no bullshit approach of no loyalty programs, no money off vouchers, no nonsense , just low prices.

A couple of chums have mentioned the likes of Lidl but I say to those people ‘slow down a little’ just one step at a time if you please. And remember, Asda always have lower fuel prices than Sainsbury and Tesco, Lidl don’t sell fuel.

I have long been concerned at the way things are marketed at us, a good time to look back a few pages and see my rant about stupid people.  Seems though, it is a world wide phenomenon. Try booking a one way flight to America say.  I promise it will be more expensive than booking a return.  And not just by a few quid either – it will be a significant difference.  I just got the train to Glasgow Central. A one way ticket was £1.90 but a return, just £1.70.  How can that be?  Someone please explain that one to me. Even harder to grasp, the cheaper ticket option also produced 3 paper tickets from the machine whereas the one way option would only have ejected 2. So for the cheaper ticket, the train company has used more ink and more ticket blanks.  Let me summarise that to remove any doubt – more product for less money !

If you are as confused as me, raise your hand.

On a lighter note – I have just finished my third trip to school this year.  Back in January I became qualified to handle refrigerant gases – important that one as they are ozone depleting substances – or ODS as I can now call them.  Last week, an Applied Marine Engineering exam was devoured in Liverpool and this week in Glasgow I have been covering HELM(M). HELM stands for something about human element blah blah blah – one of those ‘keep ’em well cuddled’ attendance only courses that generally don’t achieve much other than making your wallet a grand lighter. Thankfully – that one is a one off and not one of those ‘re-validate every 5 years’ things that the MCA like quite a lot. A bit like the diving instructor licence that I have with PADI.  That must be paid every year if you want to stay valid. Nothing stops me from never teaching but keep paying the fees but they don’t care.  See officially PADI stands for Professional Association of Dive Instructors but those of us in the know, have its true meaning etched in our minds – Put Another Dollar In.

So, back to school.  Been at a Maritime School in Glasgow this week and noticed something with the fire extinguishers.  I reported the issue but I bet nothing gets done – can you spot it?

 

 

 

Was chatting with the squeeze last night on text message. Chatting about a few things that are not suitable to be published here but there were two words that came in to conversation.  Two of my favourite words in the english language as it happens, Melancholy and at the other end of the spectrum, Kaleidoscope. Now, I will fully understand if you need to consult your dictionary for those words.

Melancholy I find mesmerisingly beautiful because of its contradiction. When you read it, or speak it – it most definitely has a happy, jovial, spring blossoms flowering for the first time feel about it.  Reality is the opposite – a heavy, deep sadness.  If a person were described to you as melancholy – you might imagine they were a happy, light hearted fun person to be around. Not so!

Kaleidoscope on the other hand, has no double meaning for me.  What it does represent is a scene of ever changing happy colours, an endless churn of goodness and mood lifting pleasantness.  Visually, I find it weirdly pleasing – the irony of that choice of word is about to be explained.

Kaleidoscope – not many words start with a K in English – even fewer sequence the E & I that way, weird huh ???? It looks different, non conformist, not following the crowd – I like that.

I had a couple of favourite words in Portuguese too – portanto and Foguetão – they just sounded really sexy – don’t forget to roll your R’s.

Anyway, that’ll do for now, I just paid £6.75 for a single glass of red wine in Glasgow Central and now have a dilemma.  That was more than I would normally pay for a bottle – but it was tasty.  I have 3½ hours before my train and could easily do another one.

The Double Whopper with Bacon & Cheese is long gone, as are the cheesy bacon bites.

 

Hmmm

 

 


Switching Sides

A bit late with this post I know – so Rugby Town is now famous for a couple of things.  Yes, the game of Rugby was invented here, hence the name ‘Rugby Football’ (I am constantly amazed at the amount of people that are not aware of this fact).  Most recently, we gained even more infamy.  The Great KFC Chicken Coup.

Never in the history of news and media have I been more amazed at the amount of effort that went into reporting the lack of chicken at KFC outlets across the uk.  For two days, the media was full of it.  At one point, the BBC reported over 60% of the UK KFC outlets were closed due to no chicken.

DHL had just taken control of the delivery contract and made a complete fudge of delivering.  The source of their error – The Rugby Depot!   Lorries full of chicken were being turned away from the DHL distribution centre and the freezers inside the depot were full! The local council also admitted that the DHL centre did not have the correct paperwork to store food at that depot.

Poor DHL……….probably bullied the historical supplier into submission with a bid that was artificially low just to get the business and then cocked up in magnificent style.

 

Another couple of weeks of intense study for me before I head to Liverpool for an exam on 23rd.  Head down in the books on a daily basis for the last month and hopefully this week a  few more things will click into place.  This will be only my second ever time in Liverpool, or more precisely Birkenhead (say that with a scouse accent – it sounds great)

 

After a brief visit to the hot tub last night I put on some old Top Of The Pops. I watched an hour and a half of clips from 1964 – 1975 and you know what, the first thing I noticed was how skinny everyone was back then – everyone.  Some rare old tunes came along too, some rare old tunes like the Righteous Brothers.  Did you know, Bill Medley was one of the Righteous Brothers?  Remember Dirty Dancing?  The Swayze?  The last song of that movie was ‘I had the time of my life’ by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes.  There you go – I have educated you this morning.

 

There were several old time ‘bangers’ in there but I have opted to share just one.  I wanted to share an old Rod Stewart track too but couldn’t find it outside of the BBC.  Maggie May was awesome in its own right but made particularly special with a guest appearance from the late John Peel of BBC Radio fame faking the mandolin solo.  If you have BBC iPlayer – you can find it there on the BBC4 channel.

 

Anyway, for now – let the children boogie in a hazy cosmic jive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


The Field Slider

Once upon a time, many years ago, I tried my hand in a sales role.  Turns out, I was shit at it, my strengths apparently lie in operational stuff – but let me tell you about why I was crap at sales.

Firstly and foremost, the sales role I entered into was for a product I knew well.  It was for a product that I had previously managed from an operational point of view – and very successfully too.  Of course, the sales team loved having me around while pitching to customers because I knew my product well, knew how to work it and knew its limitations.  Then, I moved to a competitor.  At least I thought they were a competitor!  When I got some inside information on their product – I could see just how shit it was, and definitely no match for the product I had just left behind.

Now, not being a sales minded fool, I just couldn’t sell a shit product to unsuspecting clients – I am far too honest for that.  I also struggled with the Finance Director in that company too.  See, they advertised the role as £40k OTE.  For those who are unfamiliar with corporate speak, OTE refers to ‘On Target Earnings’, pretty typical with sales job.  You get a base salary and then you make bonuses based on volume of sales.  The bonuses + the base (on a good year) will equal the OTE.

Simple maths you would have thought ?

Not if you’re a Finance Director it seems.  When I finally got my targets from this guy, I did a very simple calculation.  I added my base salary to the bonuses available for hitting 100% on targets from day 1 and guess what?  That £40k a year was in fact £28k a year.  When I asked the Director of Finances how there could be such a huge difference in what was advertised as OTE and what I could physically achieve, he simply said ‘that’s just the way it is’!

Now imagine….I had just spent 6 months working for Stelios Haji-Ioannou of easyjet fame out of their Camden office – a business man who made decisions with his ego rather than rationale, then to be clobbered by this Finance Director who had less charisma than a cold wet chamois leather – I was convinced that there was no integrity left in the UK.  I fudged the next few months doing absolutely sod all until eventually they said ‘this isn’t working is it?’.  At which point I smiled at the Operations Director and agreed with him – ‘Absolutely not Ken’ I beamed. I then explained why things had progressed that way and my conversation two months prior with the Finance Director.  Poor Ken looked shocked.

He did ask if I wanted to stay for my sales meeting that morning to which I replied ‘of course not’ and I headed for home. I thought that would be it if I am honest.  Until they came to collect the car a month later.  The Finance Director tried to withhold my salary because of a crack in the windscreen and a scratch on the bumper.  I referred him back to my contract, pointing out there was no mention of their ability to withhold funds.  I gave them 3 days to put the money in my bank or I would refer the matter to ACAS and guess what……………the very next day I was paid in full.

Now in short, that’s golf wankers at a corporate level.  See, the FD was a golf wanker and if you weren’t prepared to listen to his shit – you simply weren’t in his favour.  Even before I met him, I hated golf so imagine how much of a sympathetic ear his weedy stories fell on ?

When I left, I did write to one of their board members telling them what had been going on.  Curiously, I learned a year later they had all been fired.   Golf Wankers.

A month after all of that was done, I had sold my house, most of my belongings and left the UK.

I digressed a little there – I was talking about my inability to be a salesman.  You will see a little further down the page a photo from a recent shopping trip to Sainsbury’s.  a 300g packet of McVities Chocolate Digestives costing 10p MORE than a 500g packet.  I questioned why and how Sainsbury’s can do this.  Lets be fair for a moment – Sainsbury’s  are not the only culprit – they are all at it – but how can they do it and get away with it and make money?

The answer is very simple, and a lot closer to home than most of you will imagine.  The reason why they can and do get away with it is that the general public are insanely stupid.  I shall now give you two examples.

 

  1.  My very gorgeous S7 edge broke again recently (another story there – save that for another day).  With both the front and rear screen cracked and a potential repair bill from Samsung in the region of £250 / £300 I started looking at replacing it.  There were 3 items listed on eBay.  Two were fixed price, buy it now sales, both listed at just under £350. The third was an auction style sale, highest bidder wins.  When I first looked, that was at £320 with an additional £7.50 postage. A couple of days later and that auction ended, the final bid at £390 plus postage. So who is paying nearly £50 more for something than the other two listings on eBay? Stupid People!
  2. Just bought a tumble dryer for the missus – I know, romance isn’t dead.  Thought it would make an excellent Valentines Day present to replace her non condensing dryer which was causing much condensation throughout her house.  So, I took a look through eBay again.  With one eye on the environment, I also looked at some tidy second hand options.  While watching and searching, I noticed a company in Leicester that were offering new Hotpoint dryers for £169.  I checked ao.com and the best they were doing was a tad over £200.  Some of the used units were fetching very close to the price of the new Hotpoint so I thought ‘stop wasting your time Wayno’ jumped in the five point oh (no longer focused on the environment) and headed to Leicester to pick one up.  Met the girl at the store, loaded the Range and as I was about to pull away my phone chirped.  eBay – the item you were watching has finished, the winning bid was £179. A second hand dryer had sold for more than I had paid for a new one. Who does that?  STUPID PEOPLE.

So let that be a lesson to you – retailers get away with charging what they like all thanks to STUPID PEOPLE. So the reason I was shit at sales was all down to STUPID PEOPLE and my honesty and integrity that wouldn’t allow me to take their money for a shite product that they could get elsewhere at a better price or a higher quality.

 

Crikey – that was a bit of a rant……..took longer than expected.  Lets get back to the field slider.

 

For the uninitiated, the ‘Field Slider’ is a car.  Generally of low value, minimal street cred unless pimped to some degree, often a second car used to protect a more valued item, front or rear wheel drive (never a 4×4, but rear drive has more kudos than front), ABS is optional and ESP banned.  Any car from the mandatory ESP era simply cannot be considered a field slider.

The idea of the slider is the freedom to be more reckless or careless. No need to lock it, park it where you like, doesn’t matter if someone dings it, cleaning is optional (interior & exterior), birds can shit all over it and it doesn’t matter if it burns the paint, you can throw anything in the back to take to the dump without putting a protection sheet down first, cheap second hand parts are abundant (although trips to the scrap yard these days are not as much fun now that they are not allowed to stack cars 3 high), insurers laugh at you if you ask for comprehensive insurance, people in Sainsbury’s filling station look down their noses at you when you are filling it up, and importantly no matter how dirty you are – your field slider is always happy that you sat in its seat.

But the real attraction of the field slider is its main qualifying criteria – it must be of an age that was pre mandatory ESP or electronic stability program for the abbreviation shy.  See, modern cars, you can hit a bend too hot, brake in the wrong place, accelerate too hard at the wrong time and the car will squirm around underneath you, recover, keep you on the tarmac and spit you out the other end alive and well, feeling like some kind of F1 hero for ‘saving the car’.  The reality is that the stability program just saved you, the car and the ditch from a very compact threesome that wasn’t quite the threesome you had in mind.

A true slider needs understanding, calmness and control. Arguably the best sliders came from Italy.  Alfa’s, Fiats and the absolute legendary Lancia’s.  There are a brace now of suitable rear wheel drives from BMW & Mercedes but be aware – these boys were fitting ESP way before it was a legal requirement. If you are lucky, you might still find an old XR4i or a Brooklands 280 Capri but these are creeping up in value now and may be too expensive to stay in the true ‘slider’ category.

Everybody should have a slider at some point in their life.  Extra points can be earned for pulling up at the Ritz in London in your slider, getting out in your wellies and having the car valet parked.

And lets not forget, the ability of the slider to help compliance with rule 25.

 

The Rules

 

 

 

 


Sainsbury’s – Giving you Less for More !

Ok, it happened.  I offer no apology for my polluting ways because I expect my next car to be a Tesla and also recharged by solar panels so it will make up for any mess I create now.

 

Rollin’ –  in my five point oh

No rag top down so my hair can blow though….

Talking of pimped wheels, look what I spotted at the car wash the other day

 

Yep – they were jet washing it.  I wanted to tell them that electricity and water were generally not a good mix but let them get on with it anyway. I wonder how much he paid – there is no listing on the menu board for mobility scooters.

Now, quick sharp, back to the headline – Sainsbury’s – Giving you less for more.  Regular readers would have seen a previous posting about a £12 price difference for an identical item between Tesco and Sainsbury’s the other day.  Now, it’s not something I want to bleat on about, I am a Sainsbury’s boy through and through so find this whole episode quite embarrassing.  What you are about to see beggars belief really.  I can think of no economic example that can explain such tosh.

 

 

It’s fair to say I am a bit of a chocolate fiend. ‘What – never’ I hear you cry.  ‘How could you possibly be a chocolate fiend and be so buff and studly all the time?’.  It’s hard if I am honest but I still manage it.

Anyway – Sainsbury’s – please tell me, how can you sell a 500g packet of chocolate digestives for less than you sell a 300g packet?  In the words of Donnie Darko – I am all ears!

That’s all for now, I just wanted to share my confusion.  Actually, I am also confused about the amount of new followers my little blog has received this week, all of them latin based names. I was naturally curious and looked at the visitor stats expecting to see some latin countries featuring on the list – but no.  I am suspicious and will investigate further.

Until my investigations are complete – should you receive an email from me suggesting I am stuck in Africa after having my wallet and airline ticket stolen and suggesting you transfer some funds to me at the local Western Union branch in Swaziland – Don’t do it.

DO however, feel free to send me chocolate digestives. There is no excuse for buying cheap knock offs either – Only McVitie’s will do and they absofuckinglutely have to be milk chocolate – none of that dark chocolate nonsense – do you hear ?


Something is Returning

It could be genius, it could be simply the new purchase – a Range Rover Sport V8 Supercharged.  A tad over 500 BHP and fuel consumption that warrants buying shares in BP.  You gotta do it though – everyone should have a V8 Supercharged at some stage in their life right?

On the plane up to Aberdeen tonight, I happened across the perfect song to play first on my road trip back south.  You will get that at the very bottom of this post – just imagine, as I pull away out of Aberdeen tomorrow morning…….  OK, by my standards, Aberdeen to Rugby is nothing more than a quick hop, skip and a jump but every road trip deserves its own play list to see you through.

I found another blinder too, this one you don’t have to wait for though, take a quick look at this beauty.  This will be my sunset tune as I get further south.

Maybe the internet raised us – or maybe people are jerks !

So, where have I been you ask?  Dah – like you care?  Well, a year in Asia under my belt I decided to quit my job and take some time out to study for my next (and last) license.  The next one is as high as I can go,  Top of the shop – Nine – Oh.  February and March will flash by in a blur as I aim to convert my Y License over to an SV licence but also push the size of the boats 6 fold.

January will also see me studying for an Fgas license. What?  an Fgas license?  WTF?  No, its not ‘fart gas’ but does allow me to legally handle refrigerants for air con and fridges etc. I think it will look good on my ever expanding CV.

But enough of that bollocks

Tesco or Sainsbury’s?

Me, I am a Sainsbury boy through and through but I did see something this week that shocked me to my core.  I was out looking for printer cartridges for Poopies printer – a modest yet effective HP Envy 5640.  A nice wireless little model too I might add.  Anyway, a black and colour cartridge I spied in Tesco for £24 – nice little combo. Problem was, Tesco was out of own brand printer paper and by heck I wasn’t paying £5 for a premium ream, sod that!  I headed for Sainers so I could refuel with my double nectar points token at the same time.

Good old Sainers, had the ream of paper for just £3.50 – that’s more like it. Just out of curiosity, I browsed the printer cartridges too.  Holy crap I nearly shat my pants.  The same cartridge combo was £36 !!!!!!!!!!  £12 more expensive than Tesco.  12 pence I could deal with but 12 quid – come on.

Out of sheer disgust, I left with my paper, a hole punch and some of those little stick on paper circles to reinforce the punch holes – sod the printer inks, I ordered a pair of XL cartridges on eBay instead and got them the next day.

For the travellers amongst you – and I don’t mean pikies, the travellers that fly – I have a new game for you to try. I have been doing it for a while now.  I am still stuck on the name for it, either ‘spot the fuckwit’ or ‘shit your pants’ I can’t decide.  Get on a plane, wait for it to start its taxi and then take a good look around.  See if you can guess who will be the first to leap out of their seat to go the toilet the very instant that the captain turns off the seat belt signs – its amazing.

It doesn’t end there though – prepare yourself for the re-match.  After the pilot has announced the decent and the cabin crew tell you to return to your seats and buckle up, who will be the first dick (or dickette – lets consider equality for a moment) to get up for the toilet when the seat belt signs are turned back on again, even after the cabin crew have said the toilets are now out of service.

I struggle with these fools if I am honest.  I once held a poo all the way from L.A. to London and then last year smashed that record with a ‘hold’ all the way from Singapore to London.  Why people struggle for 30 minutes is beyond me.

OK

 

Back to the start.  The beginning of the road trip – the song I shall start my journey with is……..

 

Wait for it.  Let me explain the intensity of this song.  People talk about bucket lists (OK, yanks talk about bucket lists).  They wank on about sky diving, going to the Isle of Man TT, Lion Taming, stabbing a Vicar in the neck, etc etc etc.  The bucket list – A list of things you should do before you die (kick the bucket)

Well, all of the items on their bucket list are just plain piffle, twat waffle, a waste of space.  If there is one thing, just one thing that should be on everyone’s bucket list – it should be this.

Many years ago while having a night out in Edinburgh, a packed pub, rammed to the rafters, the DJ decided to play this song. The whole place erupted in grand voice so loud, even the walls were shaking, I swear the 4 storey building was swaying with the beat.  Scrub your bucket list and put this at the top – to be in a Scottish pub when this is played.

But before you look, let me translate, To Haver = To talk shit.

 

 

 

Lastly, a few hello’s

 

Mon & John.  Bumped into Mon in the TC last week while I was walking along dreaming about a Greggs sausage role and almost missed her, in fact, I did miss her, luckily she spotted me. Lexa – all the way down in South Africa, popping up for the Hugh Cornwell post the other week, Conor – always deserving a mention, my most avid follower, Mr Westwood (and I don’t mean Tim) a surprise meeting at the farm in Cathorpe.  Amy Beard for still not buying me coffee and a cake – MINGER ! Steve B for some very good Xbox sessions since I have been home and of course my bird for being spectacularly ace in every aspect.

 

Party on Wayne

 

 

 


I feel Genius returning

until then – enjoy this


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