Tag Archives: london heathrow

Watch Your Back

Fifi – Are you working ?

 

A simple question I asked while on the phone today.  I was talking to the local Taxi driver who has been ferrying the crew around on the boat.  Only afterwards did I realise that anyone overhearing that conversation would have quite naturally assumed I was talking to a hooker.

Fifi was my ride to the hotel.  My journey home started today, Wednesday 5th June.  I should arrive around lunchtime on Saturday 8th June – quite an epic journey.

Let me tell you something about Tahiti…………..cor blimey its expensive.  I sat at a roadside restaurant on saturday afternoon having a bite to eat, waiting for a live music festival to start.  A glass of red I thought and cast my eyes eagerly over the wine list.  My first impression was that my french was not as good as I thought.  That says £15 for a bottle, not a glass right?  Oh no Johnny Foreigner – thats £15 a GLASS.  I nearly shat my pants – thank Dibnah I checked first instead of uttering to the wiater as I sat down  ‘Vin Rouge á la Maison s’il vous plaît‘.

That would have turned out to be a £50 bottle of house red FFS!  Not being the extravagant type, a bottle of red normally comes in under 7 quid for me, quite happy with a soft, fruity and superbly chilled Merlot with a touch of vanilla and dark fruits accompanied by an also perfectly chilled bar or purple Milka.

Chilled red I hear you cry – why yes of course.  None of that wine snobbery for me.  If you like it, drink it, and always drink it the way you like it.  Never been one to suffer peer pressure.

I have two long flights ahead of me tomorrow.  The first leg is 8:30 followed by a second leg of 10:30. Let me share a thought.  I am not one for using the toilet on aeroplanes.  I always worry that just as I am dropping a log, we would hit a patch of heavy turbulence.  The plane would shake vigorously, separating me from the toilet seat for just long enough that my freshly laid turd could sneak out of the gap between my buttocks and the toilet seat.  As the turbulence continues, the now liberated turd would bounce around the cubicle leaving spatterings all over me in the process.  The turbulence would then stop.

Like a scene from Mr. Bean, I would then emerge from the cubicle splattered in shit with wet toilet paper hanging off my clothes and limbs and have to return to my seat for the remainder of the flight.

I have a special tactic for such occasions – It’s called ‘holding a poo’.  Tomorrow I plan to hold a poo from Tahiti to San Francisco OR from San Francisco to London, either one on its own, quite a spectacular feat.

I do have a 4 hour lay over in San Fran which should be more than enough time to release the beast if the turtle head is threatening to touch cloth.

Anyway – enough talk of poo.

A wave of nostalgia came over me late last week and I watched a bit of comedy from around 20 years ago.  Its hard to believe that it has been that long since the Staines Massive graced our screens – but believe!

Two of my favourite Ali G interviews are below – I only wanted to show one but couldn’t decide which. You wouldn’t get away with it today.

 

 

 

 


Don’t ask me where I have been.

But do ask about the monumental trip I am currently making all the way from West Papua to good old Rugby Town.

Most of you will have no idea where West Papua is, or even that it existed. Well, take a globe, spin it around until you can see Australia, draw a vertical line up the middle of Australia and out the top, the first land mass you might hit will be Papua.  I was there yesterday.  Tomorrow I aim to be in Rugby, squeezing the squeeze.

How about this for a monster trek, 4 taxi’s, 4 flights, 2 train rides, 1 underground ride, two overnight stops in cheap (and a little run down) hotels and a quick walk off the platform into the arms of my favourite nurse.  Heavenly.

I have now had a year in Asia, a bit like John Thaw’s year in Provence – NOT. Different over here, mainly hot and humid or just plain hot so I am glad to be heading back to the chills of blighty.  Yep, you will think I am mad but one thing I noticed about people that move to hot climates – they spend all their time in air conditioned buildings so unless you count global warming as a win, they have gained nothing.

 

So, Rugby Town…..I wonder if it has changed much?  Will be in the Merchants Inn on Friday night if you fancy a beer.

If you have ever thought of crossword puzzles being difficult to complete correctly, try completing one wrongly – filling all those spaces with words and letters that connect correctly is a dozen times harder, I promise you.

 

We did have a new experience on board our boat recently.  Two of the guests wanted to get married.  The captain stepped up to the plate and did the deed.  The stewardesses pulled out all of the stops to make the boat look ceremonial and me, as the engineer, was tasked with commissioning a wedding ring!  That’s a first for me.  Scratching my head wondering what to use and how to do it, I finally opted for an old fishing hook, a gas burner and some snipe nosed pliers to get the job done.  Measured the Grooms finger with one of my combination spanners (he’s a 17mm by the way) and began to fashion the ring for him.  It actually turned out pretty damn excellent I might say.  I did hope he would leave it behind and let me keep it but he took it with him.  One day when I am fat and famous, that ring will be worth a mint I tell you – like an original Banksy.

Anyway, have a look at the photos, click to enlarge and place your orders for bespoke jewelery next time you see me.

 

So there you have it – the man has hidden talents don’t you know.

New Xbox One X is waiting for me too, along with a new personalised controller – all I need now is a 4k TV and I am in.  A major lottery win wouldn’t go amiss either but to get that one, I might need to buy a ticket right?  Something tells me though, I won’t get much time to try it out.  A trip to the Fred Dibnah Heritage Centre is on the cards, renew my medical certificate in Nottingham and two little surprises for the squeeze, one as a birthday treat is, if I say so myself, a – fucking – mazing!!!  Don’t take my word for it though – check back here in December and read all aboout (for the Canadian readers) it.

Glad to see some chums have confirmed for the Merchants, always look forward to seeing the Beards, this time, Junior Gurnsey is even going to make it so I am told.  Biggest surprise – Mr. & Mrs. Brown will also be there !!!

 

And if you were wondering, I was a 21mm – that would be well endowed if I were a lesbian !

See you tomorrow bum holes !!

 

No Range Rover Sport this time 😦

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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