Monthly Archives: August 2011

Stark reminders

Wham!  it hit me, exactly why I don’t like to be here in August.

I just ‘popped’ out to the supermarket as I had nothing in.  The place was full.  No baskets to pick up and ponce around with, queues for the check out half way across the store and on top of that, idiots, and I mean real fecking idiots in all the other aisles.

I couldn’t deal with it so turned around and walked out.

There is an old communist style store ‘Ali Super’ at the top of the town that’s always empty so I headed there instead.  Of course, empty for good reason – it’s full of shite but I got a few simples and headed to the check out to watch one of the natives in front of me slowly counting out his coins at the check out – checking each side of every coin, quite what for, I have no idea, maybe there is some joke money here in Portugal that suddenly doubles in value if you inspect it closely.

Sometimes I wonder if late on the 6th day, god created retards, then just before lunch on the 7th day he decided he needed somewhere special to put them so created Portugal. To make sure they didn’t slow the development of the country too much, he stuck a bit on the bottom of Portugal and called it ‘The Algarve’ (latin for ‘complete fuckwit’) and made it mandatory that all retards must either live there or at least holiday there in August.

I would loathe this place is it wasn’t so blissfully devoid of wankers for 10 months of the year.  Driving along the road I never know what to expect.  Stop and park on a crossing – no problem.  Indicate right and turn left – no problem, park on a roundabout – why not ?  Have a 10 minute conversation with the check out girl while I am waiting behind you – ansofuckinglutely man!

Still – in an effort to stop all of this getting to me,  I stopped at the Warung for a sneaky Bohemia.  All was well, the sun was setting and a young filly walked in and said Hi!  How pleasant I thought, until she returned to the loungers with a beer and an iPod and sat down, laughing and also jigging to the music at the same time.  Now, I am quite smart but I couldn’t figure out if she was listening to say, a pod cast that was making her laugh, or listening to music which was making her jiggle about like a python on acid, so I decided to leg it before she pulled her machete out and started slicing up random people.

I promise now that I will never return to Portugal in August again – ever ever ever.

Now, that’s got that off my chest. Subscriptions.  I have the grand sum of 9 which leads me to think a face book friend cull is about to happen – maybe I should say that any friends that haven’t subscribed get deleted, I wonder how that might work?




Farewell the ashtray girl – Angelic Fruitcake

Where have I been ?  The world hasn’t stopped since my last visit that’s for sure.

Dominic Straus Kahn (or DSK for the trendies)  has been released in New York without charge – the local papers in Portugal quoting that his public profile will never be the same again, I just can’t wait to read the story about Mrs Staus Kahn beating her husband with a rolling pin on his return to France

A small earthquake yesterday in Washington DC.  Been lots of earthquakes this year, I actually started to think that the Mayans may be right when they decided to stop their calendar in the year 2012, maybe the end of the world is nigh – or maybe a more logical solution is that all those many years ago, while going to great lengths to create a calendar, the man in charge suddenly realized that they would all be long gone by 2012 anyway so what was the point in all that effort? So he simply downed tools and popped off to the pub for a pint instead.  I wonder what the historians would make of that.

The UK police, after being applauded for their bravery in the recent riots in England are now facing criticism from some quarters.  I have two issues with this, firstly they faced untold dangers in those situations.  For this, they have my full and unconditional support – even if they gave a couple of toe rags a good kicking on the sidelines, I wouldn’t care – It was a job well done.  Secondly, and most importantly, the toe rags in question will soon be laughing at Police as the do-gooders now fall on their side in support of them due to ‘heavy’ sentences being passed down.  So do-gooders, the message you are sending is clear – police were bad, rioters were victims.  I wonder how many of these do-gooders actually live anywhere near the areas affected.  I even watched a recent TV interview with Terry Christian, an old TV presenter from ‘The Tube’.  Terry, your opinions and theories are just complete bollocks, for someone of the younger generations you are massively out of touch.

More pleasantly, Steve and Nic finally got married in England a week or so ago.  It was long overdue but finally accomplished, congratulations to you both.  Getting there was a pain in the arse though, the flight from Portugal to Brussels was over 6 hours late, the next day we jumped in Lana’s brand new Volvo to drive to England, got loaded on the Chunnel only to be told the train in front had broken down and we had to wait for it to be cleared.  When we arrived at the hotel, I could smell burning from the car – sure enough, the new Volvo (Sacha as the missus calls it, male of female I don’t know) was smoking from under the bonnet.  Fire extinguisher in hand, Steve and myself sat and waited for it to burst into flames but thankfully nothing came of it.

Amy Winehouse’s toxicology report has been completed.  There was alcohol but no traces of drugs.  Now, call me cynical but either there has been one huge cover up or the toxicology lab got Ms. Winehouse’s report mixed up with poor old Doris Merriwhether from the high street who slipped on the step while leaving the local pub after a quick whiskey mac.  I make no apologies for saying that I just don’t believe that one – something tells me I am not alone.

Now, I really must get back to studying or I will be in trouble come October.  Will be in Mallorca at the end of the month for another wedding, if you are anywhere near – give me a call





This is England

I read with interest the recent events in england.  I am curious to know what the IPCC body will discover but reading the fact that a bullet was lodged in a police radio, I strongly suspect the baddie shot first.

I do have a very old chum that worked on armed support for the force a few years ago so I am aware that the rules of engagement are very strict – penny to a pound the baddie was first to pop one off, closely followed by two from one of the queens finest – of course, the high quality of the UK police force meant that their shots will count every time.

I really want to break this down for a second because I know the MET police will now be getting a slating, and indeed the subsequent riots were blamed on the shooting too.

Firstly, and most importantly – If you carry an illegal firearm, you are fully aware of the fate that waits you.  Now the poor old copper, can’t just shoot you if he sees your weapon (no pun intended) – He, has to wait until there is an immediate threat to himself or the public before he can pull his trigger.

If, when confronted by armed police, you recklessly decide that you want to shoot your way out of the situation – expect to get shot and nothing less.  You might also hear otherwise but it is a shoot to kill policy, purely and simply because a leg wound or an arm shot doesn’t disable you from pulling the trigger – so expect a double tap to the heart.

Now, here comes the controversy – I just don’t see how people can support the baddies when they are willing to shoot at the local rozzers.  Anyone that can justify that stance to me, I would love to hear from you.  A madman at large in public with a gun should be stopped before INNOCENT people get hurt or killed.  If that means taking his life, then the London Met Police have my full support

Seondly – rioting, how the fuck does that help?  Let’s destroy cars and shops of local people, people that we live and work with every day – better still, lets break into shops and rob shit from a poor shop keeper who has absolutely nothing to do with what has been happening – rip his livelihood right out from underneath his feet while he stands there, watching helpless and probably shitting in his pants.  There is no justification for the actions.  Throwing stones at police – you are lucky, in many of the countries I have travelled to, those actions would have got you shot with no questions asked afterwards.

Thats enough for now  think hard about what you do next.




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