Monthly Archives: January 2014

10k is the new 5k

I am almost home and dry, my watch will finish by 17:00 on Thursday 30th January and I am looking forward to my two months off (which ironically is also one of Underworlds greatest tracks). Will I miss Italy – not one bloody bit.

I have devised some plans that are guaranteed to piss of the Italians.

1.  Increase the tax on ice cream

2. Raise the price of fags by a euro

3. Enforce traffic laws

4. Make them all do ‘National Service’ in customer service jobs

5. Make them start and finish work on time


Of course, if any of those fail, we could always remind them that it was only a couple of generations ago that they stood shoulder to shoulder with the Nazis.

Why am I so annoyed with these muppets?  4 times now, I have come close to getting run over while on pedestrian crossings (with the green man lit) and when I say close, I mean ‘punching the bonnet’ close.  Two twisted ankles while running on the roads – for all the forest and cross country running I have covered, I have NEVER twisted an ankle – give me 3 months in Genoa and I get two. Contractors blatantly lying to me face to face, a lack of ability to achieve even the most simple task on time and/or to an acceptable level but most of all, their ability to make me feel like I need to apologise to them for their short comings.

So what next?  Egypt !  Seems to be a bit of a war zone at the minute but that has potential to turn into a huge adventure of getting out of a war torn country on foot, alive and sane.

Italy has provided me with some winning situations though.  I have broken my 10k record time twice now (once only 6 days after my 2nd twisted ankle) and yesterday I also beat my mountain bike top speed record and pushed the envelope (listen to my corporate speak) up to 44.3mph.  I also have 4 days left to break my 7k and 5k records which I fully intend to do unless I have another twist.

I gave a security guard a run for his money the other night, I came running in one of the exits to the shipyard and heard him get off his seat.  Next he was out of his gatehouse shouting at me to stop but I thought better of it.  I was against the clock and I was pretty certain he would be too lazy to actually give chase – and I was also hoping that if he decided to draw his gun, he would be as shit a shot as he was an athlete.  I never stopped, he never shot me, that has to be a win win situation.

Now, I have to get lucky again tomorrow night as I run the 5k and turn in past his gatehouse again I will be sprinting for almighty with plenty of Billy Big Steps – if nothing else, the incentive to dodge bullets should get me a good 5k time. As a minimum I will be running in a zig zag pattern until out of shooting range.

Come Friday morning, I will be road tripping again – Switzerland at first light and into the snowy Alps.  I will be trying very hard this time not to trip any speed cameras before hitting the dizzy heights of downtown Brussels and my first Belgian beer in 3 weeks.

I spotted 2 new adventures this week on the TV.   A 10 mile race up and then back down Snowdon and then a full marathon through Snowdonia.  I expect to be signed up for both of them before too long

Next race is scheduled for Saturday 8th February in Coventry as I hit the local Park Run again, Poopie Pants will be there, and so might my sister if she isn’t too busy looking into when she gets her pension book.



If you wanna be a record breaker – Yeaaahhhhhh!

A minute and a half off my best 10k time tonight – and it felt good.  Most noticeably, no clench required.

Now I am motivated, lets see if we can tumble the Genoa 5k and 7k before I leave at the end of the month.

just booked 3 weeks in Egypt to finally complete my dive instructor license – sometimes you just have to get on with it don’t you?

Just a quick note to thank my ultra paranoid girlfriend for

1. Interrupting me while in full flow writing last nights blog, frantic with verbal diarrhoea.

2. texting me at midnight and beyond with even more paranoia


What was it all about ?  Well, apparently someone was ‘fucking with her’.  An unknown person had stealthily entered the house, climbed two flights of stairs, opened her shoe cupboard and removed 1, yes just 1 pair of shoes and made off with them whilst leaving jewelry, computers, TV’s and a host of other goodies untouched. fucking amazing I thought !!

This paranoia went on for quite some time, in fact into office hours today before I suggested she checked the boot of her Volvo, which was where I last saw them over christmas while me and Rupert were loading the car with beer.

Despite me asking her today what the moral of the story was – she failed to get it.  As Uncle Den would say, ‘a place for everything and everything in his place’.  My Grandma would have undoubtedly put it much less subtly – ‘Put your fucking stuff away next time’.  My mother, most likely would tutt, smile and role her eyes.

Women and shoes


I guess I will get the blame when I get home though for not telling her sooner where they were.  I would have been very annoyed with her if it wasn’t for the fact that when I get home on the 30th, there will be a couple of big bars of purple Milka in the fridge, accompanied by some very cold Belgian beer. Well there just better be.


Duck Dynasty is back !!!

Of all the crap that is on TV these days, it is refreshing to have something like this.  If you haven’t yet seen it, you absolutely have to, the wisdom of Si knows no bounds – good to see common sense has prevailed – and in the American race too !

I coined a new phrase today – ‘about as much use as an Italian employed in a customer service department’.  That goes out to Connor, who not only married one but is also making a pilgrimage back here about now I guess.  I would ask why – but he is South African so is naturally beyond help !

I did the double tonight – no, not a mother/daughter combo, or better still the twins menage a trois but a back to back 7k run.  Last night a 7k and tonight was scheduled as a 5k but I was feeling saucy so I poked in another 7k.  This is not bad going I have to say.  Last Fridays 10k was interrupted at around 8k by the urgent need to poop.  I was gutted.  There is nothing quite like the feeling of a good run but sometimes, my body clock is just off a bit. Imagine my disappointment when last night’s 7k also got interrupted by the need to poop.

In the forest it’s not so bad, I carry a pack of handy andy’s in my running bag and can cop a squat almost completely at will, but in the city, it needs a bit of pre planning.  More surprising, after two and a half months in Genoa, these are the first times that the poop has reared its head, or should I say, touched its cloth?

I am pleased to say that tonight’s run went exactly as planned, a good pace from the off, very cold here tonight but I have my hat and gloves.  At around the mile mark (regular readers will be aware this is my first poop danger stage) I felt the urge.  I couldn’t believe it, a third night on the trot (excuse the pun).  The really bad thing is, when you feel the urge and you start thinking about plans, it makes you need poop relief more.

I pushed on and thankfully the urge went away………..for a while.  The second time, curiously enough, I was in the vicinity of the toilet that had saved my turtle embarrassment on the two previous runs.  Its funny how your body knows huh ?  I clenched again and pressed on.

The clench saddened me a little.  There is no doubt, it has actually been scientifically proven, that having to clench slows you down. Usain Bolt might manage a sub 10 second 100 metres but ask him to clench and it drops to 12 seconds flat. My pace had been good, without a doubt the clenches would cost me.

I passed the twisted ankle spot with caution and then ‘did one’ down the home straight back to the shipyard, stopped my watch and felt confident of a new 7k record.

Not to leave you on a cliff hanger but Connor sent me some blonde jokes which I would like to share with you all.


A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the

He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”

The blond man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve
To avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the

The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”

A blond man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper ad?” his wife asks.

“Here boy!” he replies.

A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”

The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police

One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”


OK, back to the main story – the run.  It was my second fastest 7k time, just 11 seconds off a new record – those clenches had surely cost me the record, Norris McWhirter could have been so proud but alas, I failed.

Tomorrow I will try the 10k record just for shits and giggles – actually, maybe I shouldn’t use that phrase.


On a lighter note, I am looking  to go to Egypt next month to finally complete my Scuba Instructor exams.  Egypt is really cheap at the moment – 4 star hotels for around 40€  a night – that’s not too shabby. Sharm el Sheik here I come.

That will do for now but let me give you a little tip – Gin Wigmore !

Lastly but by no means least – please all say hi to Joanne Beach – an old chum from my LeasePlan days – Hi Jo!  she recently joined the ranks of the ‘subscribed’.  The November Archives will be 9 years old in a couple of months – sometimes the only thing that keeps me coming back is the fact that there is so much history here.  Anyway, Jo is somewhere down south in the Selsey area – she is so rock and roll!!

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