Monthly Archives: September 2014

Word Up !

To Connor for giving the Porsche penis a good ragging off the lights – now all you have to do Connor is wait for 2 weeks for the NIP to drop through your door.  After 2 weeks, you are scott free…….Good Luck me old china !

That said – Porsche’s . who needs them?

Tonight I thought I would treat you to a superb upload of photos of my new bike, very arty, off the back of the boat, all that carbon fibre nonsense.  I did roll my eyes a little when I picked her up.  The girl in the shop described it as a ‘custom build’ to another customer who was eyeing it up.  Now, I am not saying that these yanks over exaggerate or even slightly embellish but ‘custom build’ was more than a tad over the top.  See, all they did was take it out of the box and assemble it as it came from the factory except for a set of pedals.  If you have ever bought a decent bike, there are always two things that, regardless of how much you spent on the bike, two things that are completely low-end shit………..pedals and handlebar grips. So in my mind, putting a decent set of pedals on a new bike is a necessity – not a custom build.

This little beauty has remote-controlled suspension so no more getting off the bike to change settings for ‘road’ – ‘trail’ or ‘balls out mental’, it’s all done on the left hand handlebar with the gentle flick of a lever.

It is of course nearly October which also means the Yanks are already preparing for Halloween – God Bless them!  Me, I am looking forward to a Boulder Break!


Enjoy the photos in the album ‘New Bike’


This has to be the coolest Ute I have ever layed eyes on



Firstly, and most excitedly, my new FHRITP T-shirt has arrived – I look forward to posting a selfie in it soon.

Secondly, I got told off tonight at MMA for apparently hitting too hard while sparring. Now, don’t think I am getting all Adolf Hitler or to a lesser degree, Mel Gibson on you but there is this old Jewish guy that I sometimes spa with.  Now he hits quite hard for an old fella.  I normally let the first one go, then he gets me with the next one and then the third one comes in.  Now, three hard ones in a row in my book is a request to play harder.  We can all misjudge one, maybe stumble on the second and add a bit of power but three is an open invite.  So after taking the third one in the face, I gave him a bit of a twat around his ear, rocked him on his feet after which he stops, holds his head (presumably counting the tweety birds that are circling it) and asks for a rest, telling me I hit too hard.  Straight off again he gives me a couple of good ones so I give him another tweety bird up the side of the face and stop the fucker in his tracks. Now me, I just want to play fair but someone always wants to up the ante.

Thirdly – I want to tell you about my 16km (10 mile) circuit I have been running.  For those of you that are not on runkeeper, let me tell you all about it.  5 days ago, I took just over 3 minutes out of my 16k time.  While writing about it, I mentioned that there was more time to come out of that – I was sure. I wasn’t wrong.  Last night I pulled my Brooks Glycerin shoes on, waiting until the top of the hour had passed so the draw bridge wouldn’t stop me , and started my run.  The first part is always painful, up and over the bridge and down towards the sea front, but once down on the flat, I can stretch my legs and really get a wiggle on.  I knew I was running harder than normal, my breathing was noticeably more intense.  It’s normal for me to drop my pace so that I am not even out of breath but last night was pretty full on, I wanted a couple of minutes out of the time.

My ear buds started slipping around, even filling with sweat from inside the ear until they short out and I have to remove them and blow the sweat out of them to get the sound back. Shirt off just over half distance and the evening is cooling – next target is Las Olas Boulevard and the bridge – once I am over the bridge, I consider myself on the homeward stretch – albeit still around 2.5 miles to go.

I hit my wall at around 8 miles, right next to the swimming pool and then, Machinehead by Bush comes on – the perfect uplifting track to keep me going – and keep going is what I do.  As I pushoff Seabreeze Avenue (or as Vanilla Ice would call it – A1A Detroit Avenue) onto SE 17th St, I spy a couple of chicks way up ahead of me – I thought I would never catch them – but catch them I did!

I passed them on the uphill side of 17th St Bridge and then once crested, I noticed another chica on the downhill side – could I pass her before the end of the bridge?  You bet I can – I nailed it, running like  a bank robber until I got back to the boat and stopped the clock.

So, on 4th September, I ran this route in 1h 34 minutes – September 19th I managed an impressive  1h 31 minutes, 3 minutes faster – last night, I managed it in 1h 26 minutes, another 5 minutes (and 20 seconds) off my best time.  I was happy but man alive was I tired.  I managed to get out of bed for the gym this morning but my rowing speed was massively down on normal.

All that said – I want to give a shout out to my OLDER SISTER who hasn’t posted anything on Runkeeper for some time. I would also like you all to consider the prospect of a Leamington Parkrun early in December – think about it, get a baby sitter, clear your work diaries and let’s do it.

Less than one month until I hit Boulder, Colorado



Think like a fat man

Blowing my own trumpet tonight – yeah yeah I know all the jokes

Just weighed in at a tiny 88.5 kilos or by my reckoning that’s 13st 13lb or for the yanks, 195lbs.  Amazing I hear you cry !  ‘Well bloody fucking hell it is’ I quip back.  Think back to this time in 2011 when I was a whale of a man at 117kilos, or 18st 6lb or again 258lbs.  It is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

That’s a loss of 28.5 kilos or, in layman’s terms, a bag of cement powder with 3 and a half bags of sugar on top of it. I also measured in with a waist line of 40” but am pleased to say I have been at 34” for some time now and am also in need of a trial fit in a 32” waist band. That’s 8” off my waist band – or as I prefer to call it – ‘a cocks length’!

Imagine carrying a bag of cement powder around with you all day – it sounds absurd.

I also took just over 3 minutes off my 16km (10 miles) record tonight, and I can feel there is more to come out of it still.  Another 1 minute 40 and I will be sub 90 minutes.  For an old twat like me – that is moving…………but of course, the lighter one becomes, the faster one can move – what !

Jolly good to Scotland for voting to stay in. Anyone but England eh? Does this mean we have to tolerate that tennis twat Andy Murray for even longer?


Let me leave you with a thought – or more an inspirational tune for when you are running and your legs hurt

there is nothing better than a bit of Run DMC Versus Jason Nevins to get your legs pumping over Las Olas Boulevard bridge.

Blinded by the Obvious

America – the only country I know where you have to put your beer in a paper bag to walk down the street with it but you can carry an assault rifle over your shoulder in full view of everyone……………….Discuss !

When you have finished discussing that one, try this one.  Florida state law requires the use of seat belts while riding in your veee-hickle, but whilst riding your motorcycle, no crash helmet is required.

We just had a flying visit by the boss yesterday.  He stopped in Fort Lauderdale for a night on his way to Cuba.  As there is no Chef on board – I was volunteered to cook him breakfast  (neither of the Stewardesses wanted to do it) – he is still alive and hasn’t got the shits !!

My new carbon fibre mountain bike is finally with me, I shall shortly be taking it out for its first spin.  Of course, I will add some photos too.

Christmas is around the corner – I hope you are all prepared. Me, I am looking forward to some cold weather.  Today we hit 34ºC over here – too frigging hot.

What do you think about that Susan ?



Bee in my Bonnet

Somebody once told me that Starbucks sold coffee – if that is true, why is it that whenever I go to the one on SE 17th St, every table is full of one solitary wanker with their laptop? I am sure their money is as good as mine, I just wonder why they feel they can drink one coffee, take up 4 spaces, become a band width leech and sit it out for hours at a time, all off the back of one coffee.

In fact, I wonder if Starbucks took a stance on this, kicked the tossers out, they might make more profit from people like me that want a coffee and a cake and to sit for just 5 minutes.  Maybe then they could afford to pay their corporation tax in their country of origin.

Rant almost over

I realise working in Burger King isn’t the greatest of career choices, I am sorry.  Maybe you are just starting out, maybe you are down on your luck, maybe just earning a few extra bucks to feed the kids. Please, please, please, please, please – a little bit more concentration with your false niceness when you ask me if you may take my order. I am always jolly, happy and polite, I will even try to make you smile with my british charm and humour to help you with  (what I appreciate is) a very dreary day in your life – BUT – when the only thing right with my 3 item order is the bottle of water I asked for, you really do need to try harder!  You see, for me, and you may choose to laugh this off as a tongue in cheek statement – for me, a trip to Burger King is a treat, something that I look forward to, it gets my saliva flowing, that once a quarter treat for being a good boy. I know it’s shit, unhealthy and a full days calories in one hit but every now and then, like most people who exercise and eat healthily – we want to try that gangsta food, to feel like a wanna be rapper with our caps tilted to one side as we flash our gold teeth at the girl wiping tables –  it makes us feel like the  Marshall Mathers bad asses that we would have been if we were born on the other side of the tracks. Now, I could have gone to McDonalds, but true to Burger King’s advertising slogan – it really does ‘Just taste better’.

I just read that paragraph above once more – that mention of a bottle of water sounds so pretentious eh?

Fuck it !   Last whine of the evening.  Pronunciation………lets get things sorted

Water is pronounced  ‘water’ not ‘warder’. It’s basic english language, pronounce it as it is spelt.  ‘Jaguar’ not ‘Jagwar’!! Your Daughter is your daughter, not your ‘dawder’.


Nah – I lied – this is my last whine of the evening.

If you must have the draw bridge opened to pass under with your boat, at least have a mast worthy of the bridge opening palava – not some puny little item that is only 50 feet tall FFS !!!!  Tonight the draw bridge interrupted my run on the way out and also on the way in with two separate openings.  This really pisses me off for a couple of reasons, maybe even three.

1. It stops my run and also prevents me getting a good time.

2. On a 6k run, it means I am too fecking slow, I shouldn’t get caught by the bridge twice, it only opens every half hour.

Nope – only two reasons.


Before My head explodes, I need to welcome some recent new ‘followers’.  I would like to call them ‘Beliebers’ but I am not some pre-pubescent wanker with more money than life experience.

Please welcome Opinionated Man, Shaun 890 & Shaun Furman (probably one and the same if you ask me).  I would also like to give a shout out to Vanda Panda – I think this might be the first time I have done that, also Sue Smith, been a while too. Shazza Evans is also new to this so she gets a shout out too.

Heading to Boulder, Colorado at the end of next month for a well deserved break – expect some stories.




Did anyone watch the Kasabian gig last night on the iTunes festival?………….man alive, did they rock!  Not to late to watch it if you missed it, but what were you thinking?

Today, I had a hair cut, courtesy of a local Cuban barber – did a damn fine job too I think. So impressed was I, I left him a $4 tip – and if you read my recent post on tipping in the states you will fully understand that this is a good haircut.

New bike is on the way and on Thursday evening, I also managed to take over 2 minutes out of my 16k time round Fort Lauderdale.  I actually think that as autumn comes in and things cool down some more, I can get even more time out of it too.  For those Runkeeper chums – keep an eye on your activities, don’t be falling behind too far – you may never catch up again.

Trip to Boulder in Colorado is now firmly on the cards, flights booked with Delta Airlines.  Let me tell you about Delta Airlines, for a while now, they have been my favourite American Airline but I think they may fall foul soon.  So I found a ticket, $280 return – not too shabby.  I could upgrade to first class for a total of $700 – I decided against it then started reserving my seats with extra leg room because I am a lanky twat. An additional $200 – Crikey, I thought – might just have been better going for the first class ticket after all.  I clicked on purchase, and the web did just that.  When my confirmation came in, seems I managed to purchase my ticket WITHOUT hold baggage – that’s another $25 each way.  So I am within $150 of the first class ticket that would have given me the baggage, priority boarding, free food and drinks and maybe other benefits too.  Problem is, they never told me about the hold luggage at all – the sneaky fuckers.

I hate that – very short sighted.  Lets talk rental cars in Boulder.  Hertz & Avis quote includes full insurance, go to Enterprise and you can only spec the full insurance at collection so you can’t compare prices fully.  So I backed away from Enterprise immediately.  That said, Avis price was almost half of Hertz – what’s going on there?

Either way – I just looked at the weather for Boulder & Colorado in general – first snowfall usually starts in September – might be pretty chilly by the time I get there at the end of October – Might need some warmer gear – something different than the Floridian shirt and shorts. Ooops!


Christmas is just around the corner


iTunes Festival

Hey Groovers

Just thought I would have a little update for you all.

I am currently enjoying this months iTunes festival – something of a spectacular line up this month.  I just finished watching David Guetta, yesterday I caught ‘Beck’ and the day before, Deadmau5.

Something struck me about these DJ fellas.  Essentially, they could make a cd at home, rock up at the turn tables, insert their CD and press play.  No-one would be none the wiser right? I often think of them as talentless twats, compared to people that write music, play music and sing – or even all at the same time. Look at that youngster ‘Birdy’ for example – overflowing with talent, or that über sexy Gin Wigmore.  This time though, I have to admit to being a little wrong.  They are not talentless twats after all, they are just less talented, or if I want to be nice to them, talented differently.  See, for me, the art of playing live takes some big bollocks.  In the studio, you can re-take and re-take until you get it absolutely perfect but live, you get just one chance.  To stitch a bunch of sample noises together does take a talent but nothing near as complex as making those noises in the first place. Sure, I couldn’t stitch those noises together with the same level of success as them, but I am even less likely to hit the right note singing or strumming a guitar.

All said and done though, David Guetta did rock the Round House, I have to give him credit for that.  Deadmau5 didn’t rock it as much and if I am completely honest – Beck was a pile of shit !  He was so bad, I turned off after the 1st song.  For the rest of the month, I have Kasabian to look forward to, Placebo, Blondie, Jessie J (again), Kylie (last time I saw her was in 2002, I still have the Kylie Water), Lenny Kravitz and Pharrel Williams.

I will see you there!

As for the rest of my life, I ordered myself a new mountain bike on Monday – this time a carbon fibre frame.  Rue has a new bike and will inevitably be faster now so I need to keep just in front.  There is always the possibility of bringing Steve B out for a ride again – he is so slow now, we get tea breaks while he catches us up.

I have also booked my return flights to Europe for Christmas and am currently looking at another Vegas trip at the end of October, or better still, a trip to Boulder in Colorado for some outdoor activities, mountain running, white water rafting, Grizzly Bear dodging.  Dodging Grizzly Bears is a fun sport.  You don’t need to be able to outrun the bear, you just need to be able to outrun at least one person in your group.

Beyond that, I am working hard at the gym, running hard in the heat and fighting hard at the MMA classes – it’s all rather peachy at the moment.

I would like to thank Mush George for FINALLY sending 1 photo for the Magnificent 7 competition.  You may remember, for entry, you needed to send at least 3 and entries had to be in 2 weeks ago – so Musher – you just missed out!  Not like Mr.Westwood though – who completely missed the mark by not even attempting his entry.  I am still at a complete loss as to the whereabouts of one Ms. Verity McCoy.

So for now – onward and upward


This – you have to see


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