Monthly Archives: June 2012

Lies, Captains and Engineers

It struck me today, while I was trying to hammer a chisel in between the sea chest lid and the main sea chest body, that there are lies, damn lies, and yacht lies (I replaced that last bit – it should have read ‘statistics’ as my old mucker Barrie Woolford used to say).

Normally, It’s the captains that bullshit you, like ‘Secret Love’ – ‘yeah yeah old systems but in great order – just sailed through our 20 year survey’  – FUCK OFF!  or Kimberly II – ‘I keep my staff for a long time, because I am a good captain’ – which later transpired to ‘ I am a functioning alcoholic (his words not mine), and ‘ I am unaware the vessel is a masterpiece of festering Italian engineering which is likely to completely shit itself at a moments notice even though it is only 6 years old’.

Today, I realised my first case of ‘Engineers talk bollocks too’. Never in my life have I needed to chisel the lid off of a sea chest on a vessel that is still floating. I did begin to wonder when the lid was last removed and the filter cleaned.

In all honesty, that was a mild mishap.  I also looked at the sewage treatment system today.  The outgoing engineer admitted to using so much calcium hypochlroride that the whole boat smelled like the trenches of WWI.  The captain had told me about this experience too – the whole boat being consumed by chlorine gas at noxious levels.

Imagine – the 20 litre drum would need not much more than a table spoon of powder added to it, but today when I looked at it there was around half a kilo of the stuff still in the bottom of the drum.  I was amazed, I chuckled to myself, and also wondered how the old engineer had managed to mix this stuff, breathe in the fumes and still be alive to tell the tale.

Don’t even get me started on the two bilge pumps in the forepeak – both completely wanked out!  Now, here’s the fun part – when I asked if the boat was in good order before I joined, I was told ‘Yes!’.  I was even told that all of the pumps had been serviced too.  That is, until i noticed a leak on the toilet flush pump and asked why it was leaking. Of course that was ‘the only pump’ that he hadn’t got around to servicing yet.

Realistically though – am I bothered ???

No.  Salary in US dollars at a time when the euro is dodgy, a bunk longer than anything I have ever slept in before – and for a lanky twat, that is important, enough storage space for my dive gear and my new super lush mountain bike and on top of all of that, there is room too for a surf board if I do so please. Here’s the important bit – a captain that wants me to get on and deal with the engineering, he wants nothing to do with it so long as everything works.  I have my own credit card to buy shit with and a phone that the boat pays for so I am about as happy as a big filthy fat pig in a pile of freshy laid cow shit – I kid you not!

My biggest concern with going back to work was the fact that work may consume my life and I would not have the chance to exercise any more.  Ha!, well, it’s just not the case.  I still have the exact same exercise regime now as I did when I was ashore.  This clearly has to be good for my ability to return as lean as Willem Dafoe.

So impressed am I with all things good at the moment that on Thursday, I intend to push my long distance run out to 7 miles or maybe  a little more – time will tell.

And if that hasn’t pissed you all off – I am sitting here writing with a glass of chilled red wine that the boat has provided too.

As my sister has said on many many occasions ‘Wayne could fall into shit and come out smelling of roses!’

Shitty Roses

Newport Pagnell

Well, not quite – Newport, Rhode Island, USA.  Pretty little place it is too, even the dogs on the streets are friendly, cars ready to stop at a milliseconds notice should a pedestrian get near to the kirb, and people say good mornng to strangers as they pass – now that, I really dig!

Was in the pub the other night playing pool with the rest of the crew when I had to take a shot that meant asking a chick to move off her chair.  I explained very politely that I was sorry and could I trouble her to move for a moment.  As she stood, I suggested that I better not miss this shot or I would have troubled her for nothing.  As I turned to cue up, I heard her friend ask ‘what did he say?’ to which she replied ‘I have no idea!’

You have to love the yanks!

Today was one of my most productive days for quite some time.  Managed a scuba this morning then in the afternoon managed to sort out my mobile phone and buy a new mountain bike.  Spent a few dollars on the bike too and picking it up tomorrow.  My theory was two fold.

1. the ‘cheap’ one I bought last year for 400 pounds has covered a little over 600 miles now and is about worn out, I am surprised it is still in one piece

2.Buying a more expensive bike means better build and longer life expectancy – also a dual susser to deal with my increased confidence and speed

So the new scoot punched a hole in two grand but it will also keep me amused, entertained and fit while I am on board.

Now, Newport is about to explode into a frenzy of yachtie activity.  Some bright spark decided to hold the America’s Cup here next week.  Thankfully, It looks like we will be away to Nantucket Island within a week so I wont have to suffer those yachtie twats for too long.  Todays dive instructor was one such of those twats, talked a very good deal which always leaves me wondering just how good he really was.  I hope he was better at sailing than he was at diving – piss poor indeed.

So tomorrow , the new beast is unleashed – I hope to break my high speed record sometime soon – but for now, check out the wheels and the specs on this mofo.


Thats about all for now – I expect that during tomorrows early morning walk I will meet some rather drunk monkeys on their way home after tonights festivities





Artful Dodger

Re Re-wind

when the crowd says ‘Bo-selecta’


There you go, one of my more classy starts to a post.  I had to do it purely because the other arty types that create blog pages manage to create such poncey drivel in their headlines – I bet they sit for hours writing their blogs – me, I just fly in and out again a few moments later – sometimes, I even do it when I am pissed – this is not one of those times.

My first visit to Georgia, USA – funky place it is too – I think Hazard County is not far away because they all speak like Bo and Luke Duke – haven’t heard any Dixie horns yet but I did see a confederate flag flying on a boat the other night.

Working again is taking it’s toll on me.  Bear in mind it has been almost a year so I am very tired.  Certainly that last statement will draw little if any sympathy! I have almost managed to maintain my excercise regime too but tonight am flagging.  Tomorrow we head north to Newport and then finally onto Nantucket Island for a few weeks.  There is still talk of Canada and even an Alaskan trip – but I won’t hold my breath just yet.

Thats it for now, I am tired and I want to go to bed.




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