Monthly Archives: September 2007

universally speaking

some things will always be funny.
of course, i am talking about farts! whether silent but deadly or complete rippers.
i remember well, when i was just 13, having german lessons at school, and an old school chum called paul hobley was reading a passage in german that started with ‘my father’ or in german, ‘mein farter’. Now they say the secret to good comedy is timing, well. the young mr hobley timed his to perfection. immediately after reading the words ‘mein farter’ he let one go. it was perfect. the old school rooms at lawrence sherriff school were high and echoey, the school desk combo’s were old and wooden, the resulting tommy squeeker sent ripples of guffaws throughout the class, all except for ms dunn, the teacher, and young mr hobley who managed to read his passage faultlessly.
then some 20 or so years later, i happened to be in dublin with the likes of Mr Clifton, Mr Brown and Mr Collins. we were fortunate enough to be staying in a very prim guesthouse just north of the river. the guest house was period georgian i am guessing, high ceilings and heavy terracotta tiles on the floors. as we sat in the breakfast room one morning in the ‘silence of strangers’ eating our breakfast, Mr Brown let out a ‘semi moist over old oak’ morning trumpet that echoed around the walls before bouncing off them and echoeing around them once more. As the other guests were frowning their disgust and mumbling under their breath, I , sadly, was the only one that couldn’t keep a straight face and so they channelled their frowns directly at me.
moving on to modern times, just the other night i was glad to be of assistance to jess. while we were cuddled up in bed, i started to giggle. curious, she asked what i was laughing about, i just kept laughing. Of course she asked again………….i just kept on laughing until suddenly i whipped the duvet up above both of our heads, then slammed it down firmly again so that we were encased like mummies. Yep, i had let one go of course, hence my laughter but it seems that the young ms daniels had heard of this kind of behavour but dismissed it as folklore, i am of course glad to be able to help dismiss urban myths
authors footnote……the author would like to acknowledge that the young mr hobley suffered a premature and untimely death some five years after the event described above. a waste of any young life indeed but also a waste of pure comedy genius.

anger management

ok, as i thought, inspiration wouldnt be far away once i returned to this drug infested shag island.
so tonight as i am driving home from collecting my car, i notice the guy in the lane next to me is going to cross over and crash into me so i give him a quick blast on my horn ( no, not my cock). i was of course in the right lane and not changing so he was clearly in the wrong.
so kind of him to wave a finger at me and give me some advice from behind his closed window.
i carried on driving until he came along side me at the next set of lights where he dropped his window and proceeded to give me more advice in spanish. it was at this precise point that i thought i should test his understanding of the english language and returned his banter with
‘ fuck off you stupid spanish cunt’
clearly he spoke no english, my windows were wide open and so were his. after that i tried my spanish on him and told him,
it’s easy, you use your indicator!
i think he understood that because he zoomed off in his little penis extension not to bother me any more. this i thought, would be the end of my encounters for my journey home but no such luck.
the local coke heads have a unique way of funding their habits here. they wait in the car parks until it is free to park, then as you aproach jump in front of you waving their arms like a rabid arab at the nearest parking space hoping you will take it and give them a buck for their troubles………………not tonight sunshine!!!!!  he jumped out, i didn’t steer, i didnt brake, he jumped back in quicker than he jumped out, i shouted ‘fuck off you twat’ at the top of my voice, cruised past him and into a bay three places down.
god bless this little island

arctic adventures

pleased to say that i made it back to mallorca safe and sound, all in one piece. after leaving palma on the 5th september, we finally arrived back here on the 21st, 16 days later.  The trip north took around 12 hours in total, three different flights from spain to denmark, denmark to norway then the last flight north into the arctic circle to a military airfield come airport, a shared runway with F15’s.  the temperature when i left mallorca was 35 degrees. 12 hours later, in the arctic we faced temperatures of just 14 degrees. chilly for me but positively summer for the local norwegians.
we stayed for a day in Bodo and prepared the boat for the trip. the current engineer took me through a hand over as he was leaving the boat after a couple of days in bergen and then we were set to leave.
we pushed off from bodo in good time, hoping to head south and catch good weather on the way down. around 24 hours into the trip (vague i know but i lost all track of time ) while i was on watch with one of the other crew, we managed to blow out a stay sail at 04.30 . a little dramatic but not a major problem, we just had to haul it back out of the water, relatively straight forward with all of the crew on deck. as we were heaving, the sea pulled the sail away from us and one of the crew was caught between the sail and the safety wire, almost severing a thumb clean off. suddenly i was aware of just how vulnerable we were. The injured were tended to below while the rest of us hauled the sail in and made it safe. Skipper altered course for Trondheim and also called a life boat to meet us to take the injured crew off to hospital. a couple of hours later, the rescue boat reached us and we transfered two crew across. as they sped off toward trondheim and a waiting ambulance, we plodded on at our normal pace.
we made trondheim a few hours later and made repairs to the boat where the stay sail had broken and also some damage to our hull where we came into contact with the rescue boat. we also said goodbye to the normal engineer and hello to another member of the delivery crew.
A day later, we refuelled and headed off south once more, cruising through some amazing norwegian scenery.
when we finally hit the north sea, i was in awe at the amount of oil rigs, and also educated as to how far south they actually went. i always thought the north sea was above scotland but i had a well overdue geography lesson. we sailed the full length of the east coast of the UK and passed through the channel in the dead of night heading for the northern tip of france and beyond biscay.
For many years, i had been told that biscay was a formidable place. i was a little aprehensive about crossing it, we would be exposed for two days, a long way from land but in reality, it was a beautifully calm place. i have no doubt it could cut it rough but for my first crossing, it was almost flat calm, a water skiiers dream.  it was here that our first stow away appeared, a small bird on the aft deck, absolutely exhausted from his travels so i fed and watered the little blighter so that he could continue on its way.
we were heading into northern spain, basque territory, to re-fuel when we hit thick fog. scary shit! visibility just metres in front of us and the same to the side. navigation purely by radar and the AIS system. of course we made it safely to harbour and refuelled but hit the fog again as we left to continue south.
soon we would be cruising the portuguese coastline and for the first time ever, i saw my home from the water. Cape St Vincent and the lighthouse, the cliffs at the end of europe, sagres and the rolling hills up to my house were all visible.
I also saw gibraltar for the first time, albeit covered in thick smog from all of the shipping that was waiting there.
we then had to plug across the med, which i did think would be the easy leg of the journey but it appeared to be the heaviest section. with the wind on the nose and a wind swelled sea, we had to slow down a little but it was still a lumpy sea, the boat slamming through the wash, made sleep impossible and hard to concentrate on anything much at all. all at a time when we could feel the end of the journey was close and we were all ready for the shore.
finally we made it to my second home in the med and i was glad to see the place, just had to make the boat good then head off to the hotel to meet jess!
authors footnote. the author would like to acknowledge that this passage is seriously lacking in writers creativity. i had to put something down quickly or i might not have bothered at all. i will redress the balance this week as i get inspiration from being back on this drug infested island. stand by

modern day survival

1940s, 50s, 60s and 70s !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or
drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese
dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn’t get tested for diabetes. Then
after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright
coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets

 and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention
 the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars
with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van – loose
 was always great fun.

We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.

 We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and
NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cakes, white bread and real
butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as
we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to
reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and

then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games

at all, no 99 channels on cable,  no video tape movies, no surround
sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers,
no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we
 went outside and  found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were

no lawsuits from these accidents. We played with worms and mud
pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were
told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes. We rode bikes
or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the
bell, or just yelled for them!

Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those

who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
 The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
 solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an
explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure,
success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to
grow up as kids, before the lawyers  and the government regulated
 our lives for our own good. and while you are at it, forward it to your
 kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?! 

from B to DD, co-efficient women rock!!

ok, read this one well, read it, understand it and digest it, this will be my last entry for a few weeks while i am sailing with the family green. will quite likely set sail from the arctic circle on wednesday evening, probably as soon as blair and i have boarded the boat and from that point on, no internet, no telephone, nothing. just me, a wally and the rest of the crew.
i will promise to wave as we pass england, and to those of you in the algarve, i will also be waving to you too as we round the cape st vincent and head east back to mallorca. i have my thermals, my beanie, my gloves and waterproof sea boots all ready to go. it promises to be an epic adventure and one with many photo opportunities. (
anyhow, lets get back to reality for a moment, co-efficient chicks. the eagle eyed amongst you will have noted two very welcomed notes on my previous entry for co-efficient women. Both of these entries i am pleased to say are not only both from co-efficeient women but also both in approval of that passage. in addition to that, and further proving my theory completely, one weighs in with a whopping double D, the other, a perfectly formed B. now this is where the theory really applies itself. obviously there was potential for me to be proved wrong with the non lineal theory applied to this but my years of research have stood me well, from B to DD, the theory i alive and kicking. Please all say Hi to Mrs. Miggins and her pies, and a long term reader aunty blem blem
I am also glad to say that i have no borderline cases emailled to me for confirmation which must also mean that women are clearly, or absolutely not, co-efficient, there seems to be no middle or confused ground, however, if you are s till confused, you can ask me all you need to know at or from 5 until 6 pm gmt i will host a live chat room for those who still are unsure. just add me to messenger at the same address, send me a cheque or postal order for five johnny english pounds and chat away.
the competition for the free BMW is going well. the site has close to 17000 readers since its birth some two and a half years ago when i left england. Yes i can tell who reads it. it varies from between 50 and 250 reads per week so the BMW could be won as soon as early as november so keep reading.  i can’t tell who reads the footnotes or not though so i may create a new competition just for the footnote readers
on a much ligher note i am getting bored with the temperature here, mid thirties and higher every day, it really is getting me down. i can’t wait to get to the chillier climes of northern norway to feel the ice on my bones. the boat is a safe haven from tourists, we just have to dodge super tankers instead.
be sure to leave a note in my visitors book while i am gone, its always good to see new faces there. and if you do visit this space, please be sure to set your security settings so that i can also read your space too…………..i cant believe there are still people out there that read spaces and block their own………..what is wrong with you?
authors footnote1. Dr. Lineke will sadly be excluded from the footnote competition. Her crime, you all use, well, i added the gorgeous doctor and in the section that asks, how do you know each other, i clicked on the ‘we dated’ option. Sadly , Dr. Lineke did not approve such comments and changed it back to ‘we met randomly’. well, we did date, it ws fun, and now its over, we still get along so why would you feel the need to deny it?
authors footnote 2. I would heartily like to appologise to my sister for forgetting to call her on her birthday. my excuse, both plausible and lame at the same time. i am flying to england at the end of september to attend her 40th birthday. subconciously, ths has been in my mind as her birthday. of course i was wrong, her birthday was August 26th and she is a massive 40 years old, massive 40!!!

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