Monthly Archives: December 2006

Pauline Fowler – I love you

you know, one great thing about eastenders is that even after years away, you can still sit in front of the tv and follow the plot. So pauline fowler is leaving, oh well.
christmas is over and you know what? i really am not too bothered. Being in europe means that you dont get dragged into all that commercial crap and i dont miss it. so i arrived here on saturday evening, hit the town straight away and again on sunday, met up with jake and later some more friends, had a few more guinesses and then sat infront of the tv for a few hours, something i rarely do anymore.
this morning i got up and headed out to see some friends before having the usual christmas day fill. I miss brussell sprouts! but i havent started farting yet!
the next course is about to start , only a few hours after i finished gouging myself earlier. if i survive this session, i may be back later


ok, so sometimes life can be a little wierd, like right now!
i have just walked home in a T shirt and am hearing about freezing fog causing chaos in blighty. Tomorrow i am scheduled to leave here for england and can´t quite appreciate the problems you are having, after all i have been away form there for over two years now.
Of course i would like to head home for xmas but am now wondering if i will infact be able to make it or will i just end up heading off to portugal instead?
so until tomorrow afternoon i will be keeping a very close eye on the weather around east midlands and also coventry airports. you never know!

the rain in spain stays mainly on the wayne

tonight i walked home in the rain. nothing wrong with that at all, sometimes i like it when it rains.
as i stood waiting to cross the road at placa progesso tonight, i looked up the road and was reminded of england. something i always liked about this time of year in england would be the dark evenings, rain and christmas lights shining and reflecting off of everything that is wet.
as i stood at the crossing, i was very aware of the rain, my hair was wet, the car tyres were making that extra noise they make when the road is wet, the town was dark and lights were everywhere. The red lights on the cars seemed to have a haze around them from all of the water in the air, the headlights likewise. it was one of those perfect moments that took me back to england. As i stood there in a bit of a daze, the xmas lights suddenly came on. not that there were many but when they lit and reflected off the wet road, it just made it seem like there were more of them.
I woke from my happy daze to realise that the crossing had now turned to green. I had no idea how long it had been that way! lost in a moment i guess.
On a lighter note, i have a perfect definition of getting old.
when i was a kid, i used to stand infront of a mirror and look for spots to squeeze. Nowadays, when i get in front of the mirror to look for spots, i tend to end up pulling nasal hair rather than squeezing spots!
i reckon i am getting old ?
(authors footnote – if you have a spare four minutes, i thoroughly recommend this link )

its that time of year again

one good thing about being in europe at christmas is the complete lack of build up for it.
i know by now that my english chums are already bored to the back teeth of noddy holder shouting `it´s christmas`, george michael singing about last christmas , bandaid asking if they know it is christmas and maybe even kirsty mccoll and the pogues singing about some fairytale in new york.
Here, and in portugal, you see none of that nonsense – it is sheer bliss.
but for now, my christmas itinerary is as follows
Sat Dec 23rd, leave mallorca for england  for a very short visit, arriving at 7.30pm
Sat Dec 26th, i am leaving the uk again at 6am to spend new year in portugal 
 before leaving portugal on 4th january to return back here to mallorca for a few more months.
will be working flat out again for the coming week and hope to earn a shed load of dollars before the banks close on saturday.
if i dont make it back here soon, i hope you all have a jolly festive period.

the worlds obesity problems, solved!

ok, So just last night i sat in my local pizza shop waiting for my pizza when this short fat spanish woman wobbled in. Yep , she was short and very fat and of course i wondered why she was in a pizza place when she already had emmense bulk. Then it hit me, we can cure obesity and anhorexia in one foul swoop.
As i watched her waddle through the door, i suddenly thought `make the door narrower so that she can´t fit in `. That way, she cannot eat the very type of food that is making her fat along with half of the modern world. The fattier the food , the narrower the door should be , by law. thus, if they really want to eat, the better diet well.
Now, for all the skinny chicks out there, i mean the seriously anhorexic chicks, as there will be no queues of fat people in the fast food shops, you can pop right on in and start fattening yourselves up a bit, that should be good to balance the books.
This week, I have mostly been reading – Jeffrey Archer! yep, i have been curious for ages about his books on the shelf and i finally asked the woman if he was any good. she recommended his first book but not the later ones, she said they were too political to be interesting (right on sister!). Anyway, the first hundred or so pages really bored me but then suddenly my pants were on fire!.
On saturday evening i sat in my kitchen and read nearly 200 pages, it was sheer bliss, i drank tea, stopped to go get a pizza, and then returned to drink more tea and read further into the book. First thing i did this morning when i woke up? tea and read for an hour and a half. I maybe will manage to finish the book early this week and it will be my fasted and longest book to date. By éck its good.
I wonder how stupid the locals can be. If you drive a car here, you must carry a reflective warning triangle. If you dont have one, you get fined. If you have one and dont use it when you break down, you get fined more. Anyway, stupid locals. I saw one the other day, broken down with his reflective warning triangle out, small problem in that, the razor sharp dude had placed the triangle behind his car so that other traffic would see it but  placed the reflective side facing towards his own car – stupid twat.
You think that was bad? well, the other night , i was in my pizza place again , and this old dude wandered in, wandered at that slow `piss you off` meditereanean pace. as he wandered in and closed the door, he stood right next to it. The next person into the shop opened the door and it hit this old fools heel. You would think he would move right ? nope! stayed there until another two people did exactly the same thing! Only reason he moved in the end was that he had been served. Jeesus these locals can be dumb!
but then today in the bank, on my lunch hour, this one guy really took the piss. He was an electrician, fixing something in the bank and needed to isolate a circuit. Normally, you would ask the people there which switch did what but not this twat! just hit the trips and wipe out all of the computors in the bank, just as i was getting near to the front of the queue. He really has to take the prize for stupidest dick on this island!
On a lighter note, it has now been ten days since mike offered to pay me for the work i did on the 3rd november, but my wallet remains empty!!
So today i went to paddys to do some work of my own. you remember me talking about paddys place before with the quad bikes and masses of land. Well today, they had visitors. While i was busy painting, there were kids whizzing everywhere. After a while i kinda got used to the noise of it all until there was a noise i didnt like.
A crunch and wallop a bit like the batman movies, and no engine sounds any more. Something is wrong i thought! no shit sherlock!!! i ran to where i could hear the cries for help and looked on. Jack was standing in tears , screaming and holding his shoulder, the other dude was writhing in pain and making those unnatural human sounds that you only ever hear when you have seriously fucked yourself up. Many of you wont appreciate that noise, the noise only a severely damaged human can make, but once you have made it yourself, you never forget the amount of pain it takes for a human to produce it.
I sent jack to get some help as he had the use of both of his legs and tried to help the other dude. It appeared that jack had hit him full on the side and no doubt was going at a fair old whack – from what i have seen of the little dude, he has little fear of speed.
So finally his old man turns up and helps me move the kid. He had massive impact marks from his knee down to almost his ankle. I reckon he was better off in hospital but his dad said that he could sit by the fire until he had finished his dinner! The kid really couldnt walk even when supported, no surprise really, when you see the nudge bars on the front of the quad that hit him. I hope he will be ok. maybe paddy will tell me more this week.
Mason still remains the biggest cock on all of the balearic islands, without exception and i have just 16 days left until i am once again wrapping my arms around the very beautiful Doctor Lineke Brenningmeijer on my home turf of portugal. Two months of sex and surf to catch up on and just 8 days to do it in. Man, that is gonna be a busy week !

the male anatomy

ok, never let it be said that i am sexist!!!! lets see how many words i know for the mans bit!
cock, knob, pole, length,
 love truncheon, pork sword, weapon, penis,
wang, one eyed trouser snake, wanga, john thomas,
 purple veined monster, and so on and so on.
truth is o got bored thinking about these names much sooner than i got bored thinking about names for womens bits – and quite right too.

sunday squeeze

after a hard days work on saturday i had no choice but to hit the sack by 8.30 on saturday night. yep, my life rocks! of course, the big benefit of this was getting up at 6am the next morning, purely because i was ready to wake up.
i made a mug of coffee and stood on my balcony overlooking santa catalina. It was around 6.30 am and i was watching , not the city waking up but more so the city going to bed after a night of partying. Nothing special in that, just more the normal way of life. I watched the people walking home and talking and chatting, none of them severely hammered, in fact none of them even appeared drunk.
of course, this got me to thinkng what it would be like in england. years ago, there were very strict licensing laws which meant that you had to go out at 8pm and drink like a fish until 11 when they closed the bars. is it any wonder people would get completely monged when they cram beer like that? now of course, the PC brigade have labelled it binge drinking and blame everything but the old laws as to why people do it but the truth is that the liscencing laws made it that way, you had to drink a lot and fast. OK here, i am sure they drink just as much but it is so easy to spread your session over 6  or 7 hours that you rarely see people legless.
The light was just waking up and the morning was quiet with a fresh air for the day. I headed inside to finish reading my book.
7.30 and i fancied another coffee, out on the terrace again and still a few revellers heading home. I actually saw one guy get out of a cab and he looked like he may have been a little unsteady on his feet but nothing too serious. I went back to my book!
at 8.30, the book was done so i went out again with another coffee and this time i did see the city waking up, or maybe going to church, not sure which.
Finally, the place was awake so at 9.30 i headed out to clean the car, buy some sugar and get some breakfast. i managed to find a place that cooks pretty awesome sausage baps and they have HP Sauce too. Had to buy another gas cylinder too, the people i have been sharing with didnt seem to bother about buying it, just kept using it. still, they have left now and once more i have the whole place to myself. tonight i am changing bedrooms and heading for the quieter one, with clean bedsheets too. something very sexy about clean and fresh sheets.
something took me by surprise the other day. Mike, my old boss, came up to me completely out of the blue and said `i owe you a days pay from when you worked on `concerto“ . of course, i was completely off guard. I had infact written the debt off and put it down to experience. I was amazed he had offered to pay. I was also considering if my words on this page the day before his offer had been a wrong judgement on my behalf. Of course his offer is now 5 days old and he still hasnt given me any money!! read into that what you will. i think he had other motives, that being after he saw me working on  concerto and he was still working on it, maybe he thought that i would mention to the captain that he hadnt paid me? Either way, if he coughs up, i will be amazed!
On the 23rd, i am heading to england for xmas. just three days there, thats more than enough. on the 26th, flyin gback to portugal for 8 days, some surf, loads of sex with the doctor and on the 3rd of jan, i head back to mallorca to finish my tour of duty for this year.
so thats me done.

the female anatomy

ok, once while talking with carl and benedikte oliver, i claimed that i knew more than 30 words for the female `bit`. last night after a few whiskeys i staked that claim again with mason and lexa but failed to make the grade so let me try again.
so lets start with a few easy ones,
fanny, beaver, bush and of course fluffy (as once confirmed by a WPC in rugby town centre), then there`s
gash, snatch, spam purse and axe wound – closely followed by –
stench trench, vadge, slit and minge – which leads us nicely into
vagina, love tunnel, lulu and fufu, not forgetting the basics of
hole, fur burger, hairy pie and split, onward towards
spaz hole, mound, flange and piss flaps ( thanks to the hedgehogs )
muff, fluff, snapper and gusset, almost finished,
slot, slit, front bottom, chuff, still a few more
gearbox, bearded clam, twat and box
and lets not forget the infamos
one eyed winking god of zar
I make that 37 !!
the author acknowledges the blaring ommission of the `C`word but felt that with 37 already above, he didnt need to be so crude. He also acknowledges the sex discrimination act and has already started work on a male equivalent due to be published later this week.

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