the worlds obesity problems, solved!

 
ok, So just last night i sat in my local pizza shop waiting for my pizza when this short fat spanish woman wobbled in. Yep , she was short and very fat and of course i wondered why she was in a pizza place when she already had emmense bulk. Then it hit me, we can cure obesity and anhorexia in one foul swoop.
 
As i watched her waddle through the door, i suddenly thought `make the door narrower so that she can´t fit in `. That way, she cannot eat the very type of food that is making her fat along with half of the modern world. The fattier the food , the narrower the door should be , by law. thus, if they really want to eat, the better diet well.
 
Now, for all the skinny chicks out there, i mean the seriously anhorexic chicks, as there will be no queues of fat people in the fast food shops, you can pop right on in and start fattening yourselves up a bit, that should be good to balance the books.
 
 
This week, I have mostly been reading – Jeffrey Archer! yep, i have been curious for ages about his books on the shelf and i finally asked the woman if he was any good. she recommended his first book but not the later ones, she said they were too political to be interesting (right on sister!). Anyway, the first hundred or so pages really bored me but then suddenly my pants were on fire!.
 
On saturday evening i sat in my kitchen and read nearly 200 pages, it was sheer bliss, i drank tea, stopped to go get a pizza, and then returned to drink more tea and read further into the book. First thing i did this morning when i woke up? tea and read for an hour and a half. I maybe will manage to finish the book early this week and it will be my fasted and longest book to date. By éck its good.
 
I wonder how stupid the locals can be. If you drive a car here, you must carry a reflective warning triangle. If you dont have one, you get fined. If you have one and dont use it when you break down, you get fined more. Anyway, stupid locals. I saw one the other day, broken down with his reflective warning triangle out, small problem in that, the razor sharp dude had placed the triangle behind his car so that other traffic would see it but  placed the reflective side facing towards his own car – stupid twat.
 
You think that was bad? well, the other night , i was in my pizza place again , and this old dude wandered in, wandered at that slow `piss you off` meditereanean pace. as he wandered in and closed the door, he stood right next to it. The next person into the shop opened the door and it hit this old fools heel. You would think he would move right ? nope! stayed there until another two people did exactly the same thing! Only reason he moved in the end was that he had been served. Jeesus these locals can be dumb!
 
but then today in the bank, on my lunch hour, this one guy really took the piss. He was an electrician, fixing something in the bank and needed to isolate a circuit. Normally, you would ask the people there which switch did what but not this twat! just hit the trips and wipe out all of the computors in the bank, just as i was getting near to the front of the queue. He really has to take the prize for stupidest dick on this island!
 
On a lighter note, it has now been ten days since mike offered to pay me for the work i did on the 3rd november, but my wallet remains empty!!
 
So today i went to paddys to do some work of my own. you remember me talking about paddys place before with the quad bikes and masses of land. Well today, they had visitors. While i was busy painting, there were kids whizzing everywhere. After a while i kinda got used to the noise of it all until there was a noise i didnt like.
 
A crunch and wallop a bit like the batman movies, and no engine sounds any more. Something is wrong i thought! no shit sherlock!!! i ran to where i could hear the cries for help and looked on. Jack was standing in tears , screaming and holding his shoulder, the other dude was writhing in pain and making those unnatural human sounds that you only ever hear when you have seriously fucked yourself up. Many of you wont appreciate that noise, the noise only a severely damaged human can make, but once you have made it yourself, you never forget the amount of pain it takes for a human to produce it.
 
I sent jack to get some help as he had the use of both of his legs and tried to help the other dude. It appeared that jack had hit him full on the side and no doubt was going at a fair old whack – from what i have seen of the little dude, he has little fear of speed.
 
So finally his old man turns up and helps me move the kid. He had massive impact marks from his knee down to almost his ankle. I reckon he was better off in hospital but his dad said that he could sit by the fire until he had finished his dinner! The kid really couldnt walk even when supported, no surprise really, when you see the nudge bars on the front of the quad that hit him. I hope he will be ok. maybe paddy will tell me more this week.
 
Mason still remains the biggest cock on all of the balearic islands, without exception and i have just 16 days left until i am once again wrapping my arms around the very beautiful Doctor Lineke Brenningmeijer on my home turf of portugal. Two months of sex and surf to catch up on and just 8 days to do it in. Man, that is gonna be a busy week !
 
 

Have a moan - the beers are on me !!

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