Switching Sides

A bit late with this post I know – so Rugby Town is now famous for a couple of things.  Yes, the game of Rugby was invented here, hence the name ‘Rugby Football’ (I am constantly amazed at the amount of people that are not aware of this fact).  Most recently, we gained even more infamy.  The Great KFC Chicken Coup.

Never in the history of news and media have I been more amazed at the amount of effort that went into reporting the lack of chicken at KFC outlets across the uk.  For two days, the media was full of it.  At one point, the BBC reported over 60% of the UK KFC outlets were closed due to no chicken.

DHL had just taken control of the delivery contract and made a complete fudge of delivering.  The source of their error – The Rugby Depot!   Lorries full of chicken were being turned away from the DHL distribution centre and the freezers inside the depot were full! The local council also admitted that the DHL centre did not have the correct paperwork to store food at that depot.

Poor DHL……….probably bullied the historical supplier into submission with a bid that was artificially low just to get the business and then cocked up in magnificent style.


Another couple of weeks of intense study for me before I head to Liverpool for an exam on 23rd.  Head down in the books on a daily basis for the last month and hopefully this week a  few more things will click into place.  This will be only my second ever time in Liverpool, or more precisely Birkenhead (say that with a scouse accent – it sounds great)


After a brief visit to the hot tub last night I put on some old Top Of The Pops. I watched an hour and a half of clips from 1964 – 1975 and you know what, the first thing I noticed was how skinny everyone was back then – everyone.  Some rare old tunes came along too, some rare old tunes like the Righteous Brothers.  Did you know, Bill Medley was one of the Righteous Brothers?  Remember Dirty Dancing?  The Swayze?  The last song of that movie was ‘I had the time of my life’ by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes.  There you go – I have educated you this morning.


There were several old time ‘bangers’ in there but I have opted to share just one.  I wanted to share an old Rod Stewart track too but couldn’t find it outside of the BBC.  Maggie May was awesome in its own right but made particularly special with a guest appearance from the late John Peel of BBC Radio fame faking the mandolin solo.  If you have BBC iPlayer – you can find it there on the BBC4 channel.


Anyway, for now – let the children boogie in a hazy cosmic jive.











The Field Slider

Once upon a time, many years ago, I tried my hand in a sales role.  Turns out, I was shit at it, my strengths apparently lie in operational stuff – but let me tell you about why I was crap at sales.

Firstly and foremost, the sales role I entered into was for a product I knew well.  It was for a product that I had previously managed from an operational point of view – and very successfully too.  Of course, the sales team loved having me around while pitching to customers because I knew my product well, knew how to work it and knew its limitations.  Then, I moved to a competitor.  At least I thought they were a competitor!  When I got some inside information on their product – I could see just how shit it was, and definitely no match for the product I had just left behind.

Now, not being a sales minded fool, I just couldn’t sell a shit product to unsuspecting clients – I am far too honest for that.  I also struggled with the Finance Director in that company too.  See, they advertised the role as £40k OTE.  For those who are unfamiliar with corporate speak, OTE refers to ‘On Target Earnings’, pretty typical with sales job.  You get a base salary and then you make bonuses based on volume of sales.  The bonuses + the base (on a good year) will equal the OTE.

Simple maths you would have thought ?

Not if you’re a Finance Director it seems.  When I finally got my targets from this guy, I did a very simple calculation.  I added my base salary to the bonuses available for hitting 100% on targets from day 1 and guess what?  That £40k a year was in fact £28k a year.  When I asked the Director of Finances how there could be such a huge difference in what was advertised as OTE and what I could physically achieve, he simply said ‘that’s just the way it is’!

Now imagine….I had just spent 6 months working for Stelios Haji-Ioannou of easyjet fame out of their Camden office – a business man who made decisions with his ego rather than rationale, then to be clobbered by this Finance Director who had less charisma than a cold wet chamois leather – I was convinced that there was no integrity left in the UK.  I fudged the next few months doing absolutely sod all until eventually they said ‘this isn’t working is it?’.  At which point I smiled at the Operations Director and agreed with him – ‘Absolutely not Ken’ I beamed. I then explained why things had progressed that way and my conversation two months prior with the Finance Director.  Poor Ken looked shocked.

He did ask if I wanted to stay for my sales meeting that morning to which I replied ‘of course not’ and I headed for home. I thought that would be it if I am honest.  Until they came to collect the car a month later.  The Finance Director tried to withhold my salary because of a crack in the windscreen and a scratch on the bumper.  I referred him back to my contract, pointing out there was no mention of their ability to withhold funds.  I gave them 3 days to put the money in my bank or I would refer the matter to ACAS and guess what……………the very next day I was paid in full.

Now in short, that’s golf wankers at a corporate level.  See, the FD was a golf wanker and if you weren’t prepared to listen to his shit – you simply weren’t in his favour.  Even before I met him, I hated golf so imagine how much of a sympathetic ear his weedy stories fell on ?

When I left, I did write to one of their board members telling them what had been going on.  Curiously, I learned a year later they had all been fired.   Golf Wankers.

A month after all of that was done, I had sold my house, most of my belongings and left the UK.

I digressed a little there – I was talking about my inability to be a salesman.  You will see a little further down the page a photo from a recent shopping trip to Sainsbury’s.  a 300g packet of McVities Chocolate Digestives costing 10p MORE than a 500g packet.  I questioned why and how Sainsbury’s can do this.  Lets be fair for a moment – Sainsbury’s  are not the only culprit – they are all at it – but how can they do it and get away with it and make money?

The answer is very simple, and a lot closer to home than most of you will imagine.  The reason why they can and do get away with it is that the general public are insanely stupid.  I shall now give you two examples.


  1.  My very gorgeous S7 edge broke again recently (another story there – save that for another day).  With both the front and rear screen cracked and a potential repair bill from Samsung in the region of £250 / £300 I started looking at replacing it.  There were 3 items listed on eBay.  Two were fixed price, buy it now sales, both listed at just under £350. The third was an auction style sale, highest bidder wins.  When I first looked, that was at £320 with an additional £7.50 postage. A couple of days later and that auction ended, the final bid at £390 plus postage. So who is paying nearly £50 more for something than the other two listings on eBay? Stupid People!
  2. Just bought a tumble dryer for the missus – I know, romance isn’t dead.  Thought it would make an excellent Valentines Day present to replace her non condensing dryer which was causing much condensation throughout her house.  So, I took a look through eBay again.  With one eye on the environment, I also looked at some tidy second hand options.  While watching and searching, I noticed a company in Leicester that were offering new Hotpoint dryers for £169.  I checked ao.com and the best they were doing was a tad over £200.  Some of the used units were fetching very close to the price of the new Hotpoint so I thought ‘stop wasting your time Wayno’ jumped in the five point oh (no longer focused on the environment) and headed to Leicester to pick one up.  Met the girl at the store, loaded the Range and as I was about to pull away my phone chirped.  eBay – the item you were watching has finished, the winning bid was £179. A second hand dryer had sold for more than I had paid for a new one. Who does that?  STUPID PEOPLE.

So let that be a lesson to you – retailers get away with charging what they like all thanks to STUPID PEOPLE. So the reason I was shit at sales was all down to STUPID PEOPLE and my honesty and integrity that wouldn’t allow me to take their money for a shite product that they could get elsewhere at a better price or a higher quality.


Crikey – that was a bit of a rant……..took longer than expected.  Lets get back to the field slider.


For the uninitiated, the ‘Field Slider’ is a car.  Generally of low value, minimal street cred unless pimped to some degree, often a second car used to protect a more valued item, front or rear wheel drive (never a 4×4, but rear drive has more kudos than front), ABS is optional and ESP banned.  Any car from the mandatory ESP era simply cannot be considered a field slider.

The idea of the slider is the freedom to be more reckless or careless. No need to lock it, park it where you like, doesn’t matter if someone dings it, cleaning is optional (interior & exterior), birds can shit all over it and it doesn’t matter if it burns the paint, you can throw anything in the back to take to the dump without putting a protection sheet down first, cheap second hand parts are abundant (although trips to the scrap yard these days are not as much fun now that they are not allowed to stack cars 3 high), insurers laugh at you if you ask for comprehensive insurance, people in Sainsbury’s filling station look down their noses at you when you are filling it up, and importantly no matter how dirty you are – your field slider is always happy that you sat in its seat.

But the real attraction of the field slider is its main qualifying criteria – it must be of an age that was pre mandatory ESP or electronic stability program for the abbreviation shy.  See, modern cars, you can hit a bend too hot, brake in the wrong place, accelerate too hard at the wrong time and the car will squirm around underneath you, recover, keep you on the tarmac and spit you out the other end alive and well, feeling like some kind of F1 hero for ‘saving the car’.  The reality is that the stability program just saved you, the car and the ditch from a very compact threesome that wasn’t quite the threesome you had in mind.

A true slider needs understanding, calmness and control. Arguably the best sliders came from Italy.  Alfa’s, Fiats and the absolute legendary Lancia’s.  There are a brace now of suitable rear wheel drives from BMW & Mercedes but be aware – these boys were fitting ESP way before it was a legal requirement. If you are lucky, you might still find an old XR4i or a Brooklands 280 Capri but these are creeping up in value now and may be too expensive to stay in the true ‘slider’ category.

Everybody should have a slider at some point in their life.  Extra points can be earned for pulling up at the Ritz in London in your slider, getting out in your wellies and having the car valet parked.

And lets not forget, the ability of the slider to help compliance with rule 25.


The Rules





Sainsbury’s – Giving you Less for More !

Ok, it happened.  I offer no apology for my polluting ways because I expect my next car to be a Tesla and also recharged by solar panels so it will make up for any mess I create now.


Rollin’ –  in my five point oh

No rag top down so my hair can blow though….

Talking of pimped wheels, look what I spotted at the car wash the other day


Yep – they were jet washing it.  I wanted to tell them that electricity and water were generally not a good mix but let them get on with it anyway. I wonder how much he paid – there is no listing on the menu board for mobility scooters.

Now, quick sharp, back to the headline – Sainsbury’s – Giving you less for more.  Regular readers would have seen a previous posting about a £12 price difference for an identical item between Tesco and Sainsbury’s the other day.  Now, it’s not something I want to bleat on about, I am a Sainsbury’s boy through and through so find this whole episode quite embarrassing.  What you are about to see beggars belief really.  I can think of no economic example that can explain such tosh.



It’s fair to say I am a bit of a chocolate fiend. ‘What – never’ I hear you cry.  ‘How could you possibly be a chocolate fiend and be so buff and studly all the time?’.  It’s hard if I am honest but I still manage it.

Anyway – Sainsbury’s – please tell me, how can you sell a 500g packet of chocolate digestives for less than you sell a 300g packet?  In the words of Donnie Darko – I am all ears!

That’s all for now, I just wanted to share my confusion.  Actually, I am also confused about the amount of new followers my little blog has received this week, all of them latin based names. I was naturally curious and looked at the visitor stats expecting to see some latin countries featuring on the list – but no.  I am suspicious and will investigate further.

Until my investigations are complete – should you receive an email from me suggesting I am stuck in Africa after having my wallet and airline ticket stolen and suggesting you transfer some funds to me at the local Western Union branch in Swaziland – Don’t do it.

DO however, feel free to send me chocolate digestives. There is no excuse for buying cheap knock offs either – Only McVitie’s will do and they absofuckinglutely have to be milk chocolate – none of that dark chocolate nonsense – do you hear ?

Something is Returning

It could be genius, it could be simply the new purchase – a Range Rover Sport V8 Supercharged.  A tad over 500 BHP and fuel consumption that warrants buying shares in BP.  You gotta do it though – everyone should have a V8 Supercharged at some stage in their life right?

On the plane up to Aberdeen tonight, I happened across the perfect song to play first on my road trip back south.  You will get that at the very bottom of this post – just imagine, as I pull away out of Aberdeen tomorrow morning…….  OK, by my standards, Aberdeen to Rugby is nothing more than a quick hop, skip and a jump but every road trip deserves its own play list to see you through.

I found another blinder too, this one you don’t have to wait for though, take a quick look at this beauty.  This will be my sunset tune as I get further south.

Maybe the internet raised us – or maybe people are jerks !

So, where have I been you ask?  Dah – like you care?  Well, a year in Asia under my belt I decided to quit my job and take some time out to study for my next (and last) license.  The next one is as high as I can go,  Top of the shop – Nine – Oh.  February and March will flash by in a blur as I aim to convert my Y License over to an SV licence but also push the size of the boats 6 fold.

January will also see me studying for an Fgas license. What?  an Fgas license?  WTF?  No, its not ‘fart gas’ but does allow me to legally handle refrigerants for air con and fridges etc. I think it will look good on my ever expanding CV.

But enough of that bollocks

Tesco or Sainsbury’s?

Me, I am a Sainsbury boy through and through but I did see something this week that shocked me to my core.  I was out looking for printer cartridges for Poopies printer – a modest yet effective HP Envy 5640.  A nice wireless little model too I might add.  Anyway, a black and colour cartridge I spied in Tesco for £24 – nice little combo. Problem was, Tesco was out of own brand printer paper and by heck I wasn’t paying £5 for a premium ream, sod that!  I headed for Sainers so I could refuel with my double nectar points token at the same time.

Good old Sainers, had the ream of paper for just £3.50 – that’s more like it. Just out of curiosity, I browsed the printer cartridges too.  Holy crap I nearly shat my pants.  The same cartridge combo was £36 !!!!!!!!!!  £12 more expensive than Tesco.  12 pence I could deal with but 12 quid – come on.

Out of sheer disgust, I left with my paper, a hole punch and some of those little stick on paper circles to reinforce the punch holes – sod the printer inks, I ordered a pair of XL cartridges on eBay instead and got them the next day.

For the travellers amongst you – and I don’t mean pikies, the travellers that fly – I have a new game for you to try. I have been doing it for a while now.  I am still stuck on the name for it, either ‘spot the fuckwit’ or ‘shit your pants’ I can’t decide.  Get on a plane, wait for it to start its taxi and then take a good look around.  See if you can guess who will be the first to leap out of their seat to go the toilet the very instant that the captain turns off the seat belt signs – its amazing.

It doesn’t end there though – prepare yourself for the re-match.  After the pilot has announced the decent and the cabin crew tell you to return to your seats and buckle up, who will be the first dick (or dickette – lets consider equality for a moment) to get up for the toilet when the seat belt signs are turned back on again, even after the cabin crew have said the toilets are now out of service.

I struggle with these fools if I am honest.  I once held a poo all the way from L.A. to London and then last year smashed that record with a ‘hold’ all the way from Singapore to London.  Why people struggle for 30 minutes is beyond me.



Back to the start.  The beginning of the road trip – the song I shall start my journey with is……..


Wait for it.  Let me explain the intensity of this song.  People talk about bucket lists (OK, yanks talk about bucket lists).  They wank on about sky diving, going to the Isle of Man TT, Lion Taming, stabbing a Vicar in the neck, etc etc etc.  The bucket list – A list of things you should do before you die (kick the bucket)

Well, all of the items on their bucket list are just plain piffle, twat waffle, a waste of space.  If there is one thing, just one thing that should be on everyone’s bucket list – it should be this.

Many years ago while having a night out in Edinburgh, a packed pub, rammed to the rafters, the DJ decided to play this song. The whole place erupted in grand voice so loud, even the walls were shaking, I swear the 4 storey building was swaying with the beat.  Scrub your bucket list and put this at the top – to be in a Scottish pub when this is played.

But before you look, let me translate, To Haver = To talk shit.




Lastly, a few hello’s


Mon & John.  Bumped into Mon in the TC last week while I was walking along dreaming about a Greggs sausage role and almost missed her, in fact, I did miss her, luckily she spotted me. Lexa – all the way down in South Africa, popping up for the Hugh Cornwell post the other week, Conor – always deserving a mention, my most avid follower, Mr Westwood (and I don’t mean Tim) a surprise meeting at the farm in Cathorpe.  Amy Beard for still not buying me coffee and a cake – MINGER ! Steve B for some very good Xbox sessions since I have been home and of course my bird for being spectacularly ace in every aspect.


Party on Wayne




I feel Genius returning

until then – enjoy this

Don’t ask me where I have been.

But do ask about the monumental trip I am currently making all the way from West Papua to good old Rugby Town.

Most of you will have no idea where West Papua is, or even that it existed. Well, take a globe, spin it around until you can see Australia, draw a vertical line up the middle of Australia and out the top, the first land mass you might hit will be Papua.  I was there yesterday.  Tomorrow I aim to be in Rugby, squeezing the squeeze.

How about this for a monster trek, 4 taxi’s, 4 flights, 2 train rides, 1 underground ride, two overnight stops in cheap (and a little run down) hotels and a quick walk off the platform into the arms of my favourite nurse.  Heavenly.

I have now had a year in Asia, a bit like John Thaw’s year in Provence – NOT. Different over here, mainly hot and humid or just plain hot so I am glad to be heading back to the chills of blighty.  Yep, you will think I am mad but one thing I noticed about people that move to hot climates – they spend all their time in air conditioned buildings so unless you count global warming as a win, they have gained nothing.


So, Rugby Town…..I wonder if it has changed much?  Will be in the Merchants Inn on Friday night if you fancy a beer.

If you have ever thought of crossword puzzles being difficult to complete correctly, try completing one wrongly – filling all those spaces with words and letters that connect correctly is a dozen times harder, I promise you.


We did have a new experience on board our boat recently.  Two of the guests wanted to get married.  The captain stepped up to the plate and did the deed.  The stewardesses pulled out all of the stops to make the boat look ceremonial and me, as the engineer, was tasked with commissioning a wedding ring!  That’s a first for me.  Scratching my head wondering what to use and how to do it, I finally opted for an old fishing hook, a gas burner and some snipe nosed pliers to get the job done.  Measured the Grooms finger with one of my combination spanners (he’s a 17mm by the way) and began to fashion the ring for him.  It actually turned out pretty damn excellent I might say.  I did hope he would leave it behind and let me keep it but he took it with him.  One day when I am fat and famous, that ring will be worth a mint I tell you – like an original Banksy.

Anyway, have a look at the photos, click to enlarge and place your orders for bespoke jewelery next time you see me.


So there you have it – the man has hidden talents don’t you know.

New Xbox One X is waiting for me too, along with a new personalised controller – all I need now is a 4k TV and I am in.  A major lottery win wouldn’t go amiss either but to get that one, I might need to buy a ticket right?  Something tells me though, I won’t get much time to try it out.  A trip to the Fred Dibnah Heritage Centre is on the cards, renew my medical certificate in Nottingham and two little surprises for the squeeze, one as a birthday treat is, if I say so myself, a – fucking – mazing!!!  Don’t take my word for it though – check back here in December and read all aboout (for the Canadian readers) it.

Glad to see some chums have confirmed for the Merchants, always look forward to seeing the Beards, this time, Junior Gurnsey is even going to make it so I am told.  Biggest surprise – Mr. & Mrs. Brown will also be there !!!


And if you were wondering, I was a 21mm – that would be well endowed if I were a lesbian !

See you tomorrow bum holes !!


No Range Rover Sport this time 😦










Could be – Soon enough

Been a hectic week.  Late last week we got word that the local volcano was showing signs of activity.  Earlier this week an earthquake close to one of the neighbouring islands triggered a Tsunami warning and then this morning I woke up to hear that the local authorities have raised the volcano threat to level 4 – eruption imminent.

To add to those natural woes, I also suffered a burst hot water tank on Wednesday night, flooding two cabins below and trashing some very expensive  audio gear.  Life’s good.

I have never been close to an active volcano before so I am actually contemplating hitting the road in the early hours with the scooter to take a closer look.  There is currently an exclusion zone in place at 6km but that might just be close enough – that little 125 scooter has a top speed of just 100 kph!

Poor old Rosie had her bag snatched the other night while on the back of a scooter.  Bali is not the paradise you might have believed.  Took her bag, bank cards, cash and new phone and vanished into the evening darkness.

Now here’s a tune from back in the day.

Had that blasting on thursday night as I finished putting the galley together after the water tank failure.


Talking of galley – we have a new stewie on board, I have my concerns. She joined 5 days ago and the very next day we had to travel to Singapore for a visa run.  We had time to talk unfortunately.  She said something to me that always, ALWAYS sets alarm bells ringing in my head.

‘I have travelled to 49 countries’

That saying, the quantifying of how much someone has travelled usually sends a shiver down my spine, makes me roll my eyes and go and talk to someone else.  This time was no different.  I have an issue with it because it then makes me think that those people only travel so that they can brag about it.  Great that they have actually done it rather than lie about it but I feel sad for them if they are only going to the effort of travel for bragging rights. That line is a clear indicator that someone is just full of guff.

I have travelled quite a bit.  I feel no need to brag about it, in fact, I suspect I am deliberately coy about it.  I have absofuckinglutely no idea how many countries I have been to – even if I sat down with an atlas and spun around the world, I am sure I would forget some of them – but I feel no need to share where I have been, with one exception – if you asked me specifically if I had been somewhere, then I would talk about it.

The same person then began to wank on about surfing and where they had surfed, then scuba diving came up, again wanking on about how this place was good, that place was good blah bla blah bla blah.  I just kept quite, couldn’t even be arsed to join in.

Generally I don’t mind talking about that shit when it naturally flows into conversation, I will share my experiences equally – but when its all about you trying to tell me just how fucking cool you are – I couldn’t really give a monkeys – keep it to yourself love.

Anyway, I digress.  The reason why this girl came to mind was when my water tank burst.  My alarms started ringing at 5am – I was up and ripping the galley apart to get to the offending water heater – typically boat builders put these in shit places and then build the boat around them – this was no exception.  So by 7 am, I had at least stopped the flow of water and was having a cup of tea in the crew mess.  Two hours of pulling the cupboards, walls, machinery apart in the galley – this girl walks through the place and down to the crew mess where I am sipping a well earned cup of PG.  Her first words to me after walking through what must have looked like a war zone??

Did you sleep OK?

Really ????  What do you think love, its 7am and the galley looks like a battlefield – do you think it fell apart over night?  Sometimes I think we give too much space on this planet to fucktards then another thought crossed my mind.  Maybe the number is 49 as the first 48 just wanted to get shot of her?

I also learned that she has offered to make a claim on her insurance for Rosie’s phone that was stolen and she has just sent her drivers license back to Oz to take some points for a speeding ticket a friend has just received as he already has the max points on his license.  I wonder how long this girl will last.

It was at this point I wanted to insert a clip from an old movie ‘Restless Natives’ but Youtube has failed me miserably.  A great film from the 80’s about the Clown and the Wolfman robbing tourist coaches on a Suzuki GP100. The soundtrack played by Big Country, you should go and look it up.

Now the Suzuki GP125 was the bike to have back then but these boys opted for the smaller 100cc version.  Pre dating the hugely successful Suzuki GP125 was the learner friendly Yamaha FS1E or ‘fizzy’ as it was lovingly referred to by spotty petrol heads of its time.  These two stroke pocket rockets were every teenage boys dream back then.

There – that cleared the air I think.  I feel better now, might even order another coffee.

If it is movies with great soundtracks you are looking for, I make two recommendations

Grosse Point Blank – with the supremely divine Minni Driver & of course Donnie Darko (Directors Cut) with Jake & Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Want to see Maggie at her best? Stranger than Fiction is the movie for you. Will Ferrel delivers one of the best lines in the history of movies – if you don’t understand the joke, rent the movie.  If you don’t agree it is one of the best lines in movie history – you are wrong.

Now, those chicks may be hot, they may be famous and they may be rich but they are definitely no SJ


Game On !!


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