Is Romance Really Dead?

Hearts are about to melt !!

 

So for those of you in the know, I recently made the acquaintance of a new squeeze – courtesy of one Dennis Raymond Hambridge and a recent illness.  When people get ill, they end up in hospital – hospital is where nurses hang out !  Well, ok, to be accurate – they work there.  I recently hung out in a few hospitals as my Facebook followers will be well aware of.

Just happened that one of those nurses was extremely hot – and I am not over quoting that level of extreme either – super hot, hotter than fake news !

Now, with a little help from another nurse (Thank You Abby) – I managed to get a date with this hot nurse.  Her hotness did not wane – and she had quite an impact on me.  We met a few more times, had some more dates, walks, coffee, crumpets, wine etc etc until it was time for me to head back to Thailand for 3 months of work.

That was tough.  I really didn’t want to wait for 3 months to see her again so arranged to fly her to Singapore for 10 days – she will arrive on the 16th of this month.

Now, this is where it gets really sticky.

A little competition has ensued.  A competition between the pair of us to find the most romantic thing to do in Singapore.

I have no doubt that what I have just done will totally blitz anything she can think of, anything you could think of or anything you all could collectively think of.  It is completely untouchable –  I MEAN UNTOUCHABLE !!

When the lady readers find out what I have done, there will be collective sighs, smiles, happiness and maybe even a tear welling in the corner of an eye.

When the male readers find out what I have done – you will be doubly pissed off.  Firstly because when your missus finds out what I have done, she will be pissed that you have never done anything that could even come remotely close to this, and secondly, as a male, you will be jealous that you have never thought to do something so immense – and I do not use that word lightly.

So what have I done?

 

I can’t tell you ………….it’s not due to happen for a few weeks and the squeeze may just find out from here just what it is.  What I will promise all of you is to let you know when I will be back in the UK, and invite you all out for a beer or two again and you can meet her and ask her in person – then you are all gonna blub like babies – well the chicks anyway – Amy Beard will definitely blub!

 

Blub on Bitches

 


No Code

Do some things just happen by coincidence or are greater powers at play, who knows.

Today, music playing totally at random a song came on as I walked past the speaker I bought just the other day – on the eve of a 19th aniversary, a song that at that time made my eyes fill.  It hasn’t lost its impact today.

 

 

I often wonder what would he be doing today if he were still alive.  What kind of life would he be living, would we still be friends getting up to similar sorts of mischief or would we have gone in separate directions.

 

Sometimes you see a strange spot in the sky – a human being that was given to fly.


Wonderlustre

I went shopping today.  It was not your normal shopping trip but it was for me.

An elegant chance to fool around in someone elses territory so fool around I did.

I was looking for one of those bluetooth speaker thingys that are all the rage at the moment. I was struggling to find one that I liked but did happen across a slightly larger version with a separate woofer and fancy LED’s.

I paired the Samsung to it and tapped in a song to check out the quality.  It was actually pretty good.  It was also a little too expensive at $419 Singapore dollars and if I am honest, a little too big to be portable – but I could have some fun with it.

It boasted a 30 metre bluetooth range so I thought I should give it a go.  Selected a suitable song, in this case the classic Prodigy track ´Charly`(a trip into drum and bass version) and started to walk away.

Here`s the thing – in order to be sure the bluetooth was still connected, I would need to hear the song as I got further away. As the sound had further to travel, this could mean only one thing – more volume.  I pumped it up.

Now for those of you that are not immediately familiar with the trip into drum and bass version of the Prodigy’s ´Charly`it is a little further down the page.  One thing I did notice though – from the peripherals of a 30 metre range, I had a very good view of the sales attendants moving in on an increasingly loud audio system playing what might be considered inappropriate music for the normal clientele of downtown Singapore.

And this is where bluetooth comes into its own – before they could get close enough to identify which of their machines was pumping out such a gorgeous tune – I could turn it down, down so far it was silent and they had no idea where it was coming from.

You guessed already what happened next right?  As they walked away I could turn it up again.  I got four assaults in before they realised that if they stood next to the machines I would have to expose which one I was connected to  in order to continue the dance.  Imagine the fun you could have if you and say 5 of your friends went in to Currys and all connected to different devices?

I am now looking for 5 friends when I return to the UK in July.

 

It did remind me of a trick my grandma taught me as a kid.  Did you ever play knock door run?  Posh southerners call it knock down ginger, Richard Bolam used to call it ´Cherry Knocking although I never understood why.  Well my grandma told me I should get a bit of cotton and tie it around the door knocker and unravel the cotton and hide on the other side of the road.  It bloody worked too - I ´borrowed a reel of black cotton from my mums sowing basket and headed to the top of Hinde Close and found a suitable victim with a door knocker on the row of houses opposite on Stonehills.

Very carefully tied the cotton to the knocker, walked backwards across the road unravelling the cotton and hid behind a small bush on the opposite side of the road.  Pulling in the slack, I could then give it a gentle flick and rattle that knocker

Five times I had that man come to his door, even knocking it again seconds after he had just closed it.  I only stopped because I could no longer contain my laughter – I never did tell my grandma how well her plan came off  – she would have laughed, offered me a fag and a glass of Sherry no doubt.

 

Anyway – Drum and bass Charly as promised. Turn it up and get out of your seat.

 

 

 


Whole Lotta Rosie

You have to ask – is there any hope?

I just appeared on the bridge at midnight – wait wait wait, there’s a verse there

twas on the bridge at midnight

His leg was all a quiver

he gave a cough, his leg fell off

and floated down the river

 

Anyway – I was on the bridge at midnight just letting the navigators know I was around when we got talking about stuff.  The two watchkeepers are of a younger generation than me you see.  We got chatting.  Now young Rosie, a youthful and energetic 18 year old from Australia seemed to think her generation were all ´fucked up´and of little hope.  We talked more about the politics of the current world, North Korea, Marine Le Pen, China and of course America (fuck yeah). I also expressed my admiration for a fella over in the states called Elon Musk, and that I hoped he would be our salvation an unlikely hero, not like John Connor!

Rosie immediately asked if Elon Musk was on YouTube as she didn´t know who he was.  Equally as quickly, she realised the irony of her two last statements and we chuckled about it.  Maybe there is hope yet?

I think there is – the other day, Rosie tipped me off about the young Aussie lass below – I was stunned !

Talent – she has it,  considerably more than my verse writing skills for sure.

So right now, about 5 hours out of Singapore which will most likely be my new home until late June.  I am a little excited I must admit. More on that soon.

I am also more than a little excited about my new squeeze.


And as quick as a flash

It was gone – 5 weeks of holiday disappeared in the blink of an eye.  In my terms, an unproductive month to say the least – or was it ….?

I was a little miffed that I didn’t get to see my old mucker and avid reader Conor over in Northampton, but I did get to catch up with some other good old buggers so it wasn’t a complete write off. I really wanted to have a rip in his bug but will have to be next time now.

I am in the luxury of an Ibis Budget hotel at Birmingham airport with a pint of John Smith’s Smooth, reminiscing over the last month or so.  I must confess that I thought maybe I had gone the whole month without writing a page here but then I saw the last post which was most definitely this month with the knee photos and the killer Courtney Love vid.

Glad to say that the knee is making a great recovery now and better still, the doc and the physio think I could be running again in 3 months – that would be absofuckinglutely fabulous – I miss running.  My waistline does too  – without those extra calorie burns, I am a good 7kgs too heavy – that’s a stone and a little bit to you old timers!

Now, I did have the absolute pleasure of meeting a very tasty young lady while I was off.  See, when you get to my age, it’s all MILF’s and GILF’s – I am very VERY pleased to say I have encountered my very first GILF and thoroughly enjoying it!  I am also hoping it will be my only GILF encounter if you fully understand what I mean.  Can’t tell you too much right now but as things unravel, I will share more.  Needless to say she is smoking hot and has my fullest attention.

Moving on from nurses, let’s talk about eBay for a moment.  You may remember me putting my beloved Range Rover up for sale.  Inevitably I got the usual spaztards with the ’10 grand cash by the weekend’ bollocks – I don’t play well with spaztards if I am honest – so imagine this – some complete wanker messages me simply saying ‘£8000?’  That was it – his whole complete message.

Naturally I had an epiphany and responded exactly as such an insult deserved.  Screen dump below – read it from the bottom up – he even had the audacity to call me a gentleman afterwards – the prick !

 

I think you might call that ‘not suffering fools gladly’ ??

So tomorrow morning I start the long hard slog back to Thailand.  I still have no idea where I will meet the boat but will rest easy in the first class section of both legs of the flight – actually, come to think of it, I still need to find a hotel for Tuesday night.

A couple of days in Thailand and then we head to Singapore.  It’s all new to me but there is one thing I am extremely mindful of.  There is a section of the trip that runs through the Straights of Malacca – now apparently this is rife with piracy so please keep an eye on the news to see if we make it safely through.  If you hear about some mad English fool that used a home made flame thrower to fight off a pirate attack – that will most definitely be me!  If I don’t make it out alive – don’t send flowers but do drink a Belgian beer or two!

After surviving Singapore for a couple of months, we sail for Bali – Are you at all jealous yet ?

Special thanks to those who came out to the Merchants Inn on Friday night – it was good to see each and every one of you.  Thanks for the beer and the hang over that followed.


Frances Bean Cobain

I got side tracked today – somehow I ended up looking at some old Kurt Cobain footage and as always ended up looking at Courtney Love too.  Now after looking at those two, one has to be curious about the progress of their offspring right?  What a stunner she turned out to be.  Go and have a look for yourself.

That said, I always had the hots for her mum, Courtney.  Rocking that junkie scuz look but better still, a gravel voice and rock chick status, she always grabs my attention when I see or hear her.  Hugely under rated as an artist if you ask me – but judge for yourself.

I’m fake it’s so real I am beyond fake !! That line is up there with Robbie Williams’ I’m contemplating thinking about thinking’.

Anyway moving on, lets talk about knee damage.  Today we are looking and feeling pretty good.

Then afterwards

A little while later

Getting closer to the end

And then finally

And that was that – two tiny little holes.  In comparison, when you look around, really nothing at all.  More of a splinter wound than anything resembling having a camera, vacuum cleaner and scissors shoved inside your knee but that is modern medicine for you.

 

Anyway – off to the Apple store in Leicester – while I am there, take a look over to the right at the album ‘Tinder Girls’ if you really want to see what goes on with that App.


Tinder Ladies

Don’t confuse that headline with ‘Dinner Ladies’ they are two very different beasts.  Now, I am sure that there are some very nice ladies using the Tinder dating app, very nice.  There also seem to be a bunch of dick heads or, I guess to call them the female equivalent ‘ muff heads’.

It’s a mine field full of shaggers, liars, wasters, losers, drop outs, bounders and cads but sometimes ladies, you have to help yourself a little.  I happened across this young lady earlier, and I have to say, she is not selling herself very well.

 

She went on to waffle a bit but being honest with you, I got bored and clicked that little red X button on the left hand side – or to give it its corrected name – I swiped Left !  This is one of the more blatant abuses but there are plenty of others.  Many Tinder ladies claim to not be looking for ‘hook ups’ or ‘ONS’  (that’s ‘one night stands’ to you and me) but have posted photos of them half naked, some even more naked , photos, or others of them seductively laying in bed.  Call me old fashioned but that is only going to attract the bounders and cads surely.

What really makes me laugh is the amount of contortion a woman is prepared to undertake to get that perfect selfie.  I have never seen women physically twist out of shape so much – it is absurd.  Better still when they are taking the photo in the mirror of a bathroom in the establishment they are in, with a line of crappers in full view behind them – classy ladies!

Then there’s the trout pout – this I really don’t get.  I don’t find it attractive and every man I have spoken to agrees with me, so why do it ? You look stupid !

 

Enough about bitches and Ho’s – lets talk about me for a moment.  Two things, a right knee repair and an O/S repair.  The first being an old injury from mountain running last year finally fixed.  A little trip to the private ward yesterday and a few hours later, i was out of the door, initially on crutches by glad to say by last night, the crutches were no longer needed.  Some keyhole surgery and all is good I think

More photos when the dressing comes off in 6 days

 

The second part of my story is about my beautiful Range Rover.  Many of my followers and friends will know about the love I have for this motor car.

Sadly and stupidly, I managed to scrape it along a telegraph pole while parking in Newbold upon Avon a couple of nights ago.  Initially it looked bad but I managed to polish off most of the marks to leave two dents, one on the rear door and one on the rear arch.  Lucky for me I have a Dave Singh in my arsenal.  I dropped the car there on Monday and he will do a jolly fine job of it for me

 

Not pretty, and I felt like a real arse.

 

I did take some comfort in the fact that I massively excelled at mother’s day this year.  Primarily because I was here for the first time in many years but also because I pride myself in looking for alternatives to the usual chocolate and flowers. Previous years saw a 4 pack of Heinz Baked Beans.  Yes, I bemoaned the unprepared in Sainsburys while I was there having lunch, with their limp, late offerings of flowers – because I had gone off the scale this year.  A couple of bird houses to be fixed in the bushes at the bottom of mum’s garden and a pack of giant outdoor chalks so that she can draw on the patio while bird watching – I thought it was an awesome set of presents.  The girl who sold the chalks to me looked a bit confused when I said they were for my mum.

 

 

But what really made it special was the card I happened to find – it seemed very apt!

 

 

 

So now the Rangie is in the repair shop, I decided to try to sell it again.  Now I am after a 500hp supercharged V8 so that next time I hit that telegraph pole, I can knock the fucker clean out the ground.

If you know anyone looking for a very well cared for RRS – look no further

A very Beautiful Car

 

Anyway, I am back off to Tinder to look for more silly women but let me leave you with a very clever thought that I have just found under a Pot Noodle lid (it’s not a faffy food)

 

If at first you don’t succeed – Sky Diving is not for you

 

 

Planning a beer on 21st April – watch this space

 

 

 


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