No Code

Do some things just happen by coincidence or are greater powers at play, who knows.

Today, music playing totally at random a song came on as I walked past the speaker I bought just the other day – on the eve of a 19th aniversary, a song that at that time made my eyes fill.  It hasn’t lost its impact today.

 

 

I often wonder what would he be doing today if he were still alive.  What kind of life would he be living, would we still be friends getting up to similar sorts of mischief or would we have gone in separate directions.

 

Sometimes you see a strange spot in the sky – a human being that was given to fly.


Wonderlustre

I went shopping today.  It was not your normal shopping trip but it was for me.

An elegant chance to fool around in someone elses territory so fool around I did.

I was looking for one of those bluetooth speaker thingys that are all the rage at the moment. I was struggling to find one that I liked but did happen across a slightly larger version with a separate woofer and fancy LED’s.

I paired the Samsung to it and tapped in a song to check out the quality.  It was actually pretty good.  It was also a little too expensive at $419 Singapore dollars and if I am honest, a little too big to be portable – but I could have some fun with it.

It boasted a 30 metre bluetooth range so I thought I should give it a go.  Selected a suitable song, in this case the classic Prodigy track ´Charly`(a trip into drum and bass version) and started to walk away.

Here`s the thing – in order to be sure the bluetooth was still connected, I would need to hear the song as I got further away. As the sound had further to travel, this could mean only one thing – more volume.  I pumped it up.

Now for those of you that are not immediately familiar with the trip into drum and bass version of the Prodigy’s ´Charly`it is a little further down the page.  One thing I did notice though – from the peripherals of a 30 metre range, I had a very good view of the sales attendants moving in on an increasingly loud audio system playing what might be considered inappropriate music for the normal clientele of downtown Singapore.

And this is where bluetooth comes into its own – before they could get close enough to identify which of their machines was pumping out such a gorgeous tune – I could turn it down, down so far it was silent and they had no idea where it was coming from.

You guessed already what happened next right?  As they walked away I could turn it up again.  I got four assaults in before they realised that if they stood next to the machines I would have to expose which one I was connected to  in order to continue the dance.  Imagine the fun you could have if you and say 5 of your friends went in to Currys and all connected to different devices?

I am now looking for 5 friends when I return to the UK in July.

 

It did remind me of a trick my grandma taught me as a kid.  Did you ever play knock door run?  Posh southerners call it knock down ginger, Richard Bolam used to call it ´Cherry Knocking although I never understood why.  Well my grandma told me I should get a bit of cotton and tie it around the door knocker and unravel the cotton and hide on the other side of the road.  It bloody worked too - I ´borrowed a reel of black cotton from my mums sowing basket and headed to the top of Hinde Close and found a suitable victim with a door knocker on the row of houses opposite on Stonehills.

Very carefully tied the cotton to the knocker, walked backwards across the road unravelling the cotton and hid behind a small bush on the opposite side of the road.  Pulling in the slack, I could then give it a gentle flick and rattle that knocker

Five times I had that man come to his door, even knocking it again seconds after he had just closed it.  I only stopped because I could no longer contain my laughter – I never did tell my grandma how well her plan came off  – she would have laughed, offered me a fag and a glass of Sherry no doubt.

 

Anyway – Drum and bass Charly as promised. Turn it up and get out of your seat.

 

 

 


Whole Lotta Rosie

You have to ask – is there any hope?

I just appeared on the bridge at midnight – wait wait wait, there’s a verse there

twas on the bridge at midnight

His leg was all a quiver

he gave a cough, his leg fell off

and floated down the river

 

Anyway – I was on the bridge at midnight just letting the navigators know I was around when we got talking about stuff.  The two watchkeepers are of a younger generation than me you see.  We got chatting.  Now young Rosie, a youthful and energetic 18 year old from Australia seemed to think her generation were all ´fucked up´and of little hope.  We talked more about the politics of the current world, North Korea, Marine Le Pen, China and of course America (fuck yeah). I also expressed my admiration for a fella over in the states called Elon Musk, and that I hoped he would be our salvation an unlikely hero, not like John Connor!

Rosie immediately asked if Elon Musk was on YouTube as she didn´t know who he was.  Equally as quickly, she realised the irony of her two last statements and we chuckled about it.  Maybe there is hope yet?

I think there is – the other day, Rosie tipped me off about the young Aussie lass below – I was stunned !

Talent – she has it,  considerably more than my verse writing skills for sure.

So right now, about 5 hours out of Singapore which will most likely be my new home until late June.  I am a little excited I must admit. More on that soon.

I am also more than a little excited about my new squeeze.


And as quick as a flash

It was gone – 5 weeks of holiday disappeared in the blink of an eye.  In my terms, an unproductive month to say the least – or was it ….?

I was a little miffed that I didn’t get to see my old mucker and avid reader Conor over in Northampton, but I did get to catch up with some other good old buggers so it wasn’t a complete write off. I really wanted to have a rip in his bug but will have to be next time now.

I am in the luxury of an Ibis Budget hotel at Birmingham airport with a pint of John Smith’s Smooth, reminiscing over the last month or so.  I must confess that I thought maybe I had gone the whole month without writing a page here but then I saw the last post which was most definitely this month with the knee photos and the killer Courtney Love vid.

Glad to say that the knee is making a great recovery now and better still, the doc and the physio think I could be running again in 3 months – that would be absofuckinglutely fabulous – I miss running.  My waistline does too  – without those extra calorie burns, I am a good 7kgs too heavy – that’s a stone and a little bit to you old timers!

Now, I did have the absolute pleasure of meeting a very tasty young lady while I was off.  See, when you get to my age, it’s all MILF’s and GILF’s – I am very VERY pleased to say I have encountered my very first GILF and thoroughly enjoying it!  I am also hoping it will be my only GILF encounter if you fully understand what I mean.  Can’t tell you too much right now but as things unravel, I will share more.  Needless to say she is smoking hot and has my fullest attention.

Moving on from nurses, let’s talk about eBay for a moment.  You may remember me putting my beloved Range Rover up for sale.  Inevitably I got the usual spaztards with the ’10 grand cash by the weekend’ bollocks – I don’t play well with spaztards if I am honest – so imagine this – some complete wanker messages me simply saying ‘£8000?’  That was it – his whole complete message.

Naturally I had an epiphany and responded exactly as such an insult deserved.  Screen dump below – read it from the bottom up – he even had the audacity to call me a gentleman afterwards – the prick !

 

I think you might call that ‘not suffering fools gladly’ ??

So tomorrow morning I start the long hard slog back to Thailand.  I still have no idea where I will meet the boat but will rest easy in the first class section of both legs of the flight – actually, come to think of it, I still need to find a hotel for Tuesday night.

A couple of days in Thailand and then we head to Singapore.  It’s all new to me but there is one thing I am extremely mindful of.  There is a section of the trip that runs through the Straights of Malacca – now apparently this is rife with piracy so please keep an eye on the news to see if we make it safely through.  If you hear about some mad English fool that used a home made flame thrower to fight off a pirate attack – that will most definitely be me!  If I don’t make it out alive – don’t send flowers but do drink a Belgian beer or two!

After surviving Singapore for a couple of months, we sail for Bali – Are you at all jealous yet ?

Special thanks to those who came out to the Merchants Inn on Friday night – it was good to see each and every one of you.  Thanks for the beer and the hang over that followed.


Frances Bean Cobain

I got side tracked today – somehow I ended up looking at some old Kurt Cobain footage and as always ended up looking at Courtney Love too.  Now after looking at those two, one has to be curious about the progress of their offspring right?  What a stunner she turned out to be.  Go and have a look for yourself.

That said, I always had the hots for her mum, Courtney.  Rocking that junkie scuz look but better still, a gravel voice and rock chick status, she always grabs my attention when I see or hear her.  Hugely under rated as an artist if you ask me – but judge for yourself.

I’m fake it’s so real I am beyond fake !! That line is up there with Robbie Williams’ I’m contemplating thinking about thinking’.

Anyway moving on, lets talk about knee damage.  Today we are looking and feeling pretty good.

Then afterwards

A little while later

Getting closer to the end

And then finally

And that was that – two tiny little holes.  In comparison, when you look around, really nothing at all.  More of a splinter wound than anything resembling having a camera, vacuum cleaner and scissors shoved inside your knee but that is modern medicine for you.

 

Anyway – off to the Apple store in Leicester – while I am there, take a look over to the right at the album ‘Tinder Girls’ if you really want to see what goes on with that App.


Tinder Ladies

Don’t confuse that headline with ‘Dinner Ladies’ they are two very different beasts.  Now, I am sure that there are some very nice ladies using the Tinder dating app, very nice.  There also seem to be a bunch of dick heads or, I guess to call them the female equivalent ‘ muff heads’.

It’s a mine field full of shaggers, liars, wasters, losers, drop outs, bounders and cads but sometimes ladies, you have to help yourself a little.  I happened across this young lady earlier, and I have to say, she is not selling herself very well.

 

She went on to waffle a bit but being honest with you, I got bored and clicked that little red X button on the left hand side – or to give it its corrected name – I swiped Left !  This is one of the more blatant abuses but there are plenty of others.  Many Tinder ladies claim to not be looking for ‘hook ups’ or ‘ONS’  (that’s ‘one night stands’ to you and me) but have posted photos of them half naked, some even more naked , photos, or others of them seductively laying in bed.  Call me old fashioned but that is only going to attract the bounders and cads surely.

What really makes me laugh is the amount of contortion a woman is prepared to undertake to get that perfect selfie.  I have never seen women physically twist out of shape so much – it is absurd.  Better still when they are taking the photo in the mirror of a bathroom in the establishment they are in, with a line of crappers in full view behind them – classy ladies!

Then there’s the trout pout – this I really don’t get.  I don’t find it attractive and every man I have spoken to agrees with me, so why do it ? You look stupid !

 

Enough about bitches and Ho’s – lets talk about me for a moment.  Two things, a right knee repair and an O/S repair.  The first being an old injury from mountain running last year finally fixed.  A little trip to the private ward yesterday and a few hours later, i was out of the door, initially on crutches by glad to say by last night, the crutches were no longer needed.  Some keyhole surgery and all is good I think

More photos when the dressing comes off in 6 days

 

The second part of my story is about my beautiful Range Rover.  Many of my followers and friends will know about the love I have for this motor car.

Sadly and stupidly, I managed to scrape it along a telegraph pole while parking in Newbold upon Avon a couple of nights ago.  Initially it looked bad but I managed to polish off most of the marks to leave two dents, one on the rear door and one on the rear arch.  Lucky for me I have a Dave Singh in my arsenal.  I dropped the car there on Monday and he will do a jolly fine job of it for me

 

Not pretty, and I felt like a real arse.

 

I did take some comfort in the fact that I massively excelled at mother’s day this year.  Primarily because I was here for the first time in many years but also because I pride myself in looking for alternatives to the usual chocolate and flowers. Previous years saw a 4 pack of Heinz Baked Beans.  Yes, I bemoaned the unprepared in Sainsburys while I was there having lunch, with their limp, late offerings of flowers – because I had gone off the scale this year.  A couple of bird houses to be fixed in the bushes at the bottom of mum’s garden and a pack of giant outdoor chalks so that she can draw on the patio while bird watching – I thought it was an awesome set of presents.  The girl who sold the chalks to me looked a bit confused when I said they were for my mum.

 

 

But what really made it special was the card I happened to find – it seemed very apt!

 

 

 

So now the Rangie is in the repair shop, I decided to try to sell it again.  Now I am after a 500hp supercharged V8 so that next time I hit that telegraph pole, I can knock the fucker clean out the ground.

If you know anyone looking for a very well cared for RRS – look no further

A very Beautiful Car

 

Anyway, I am back off to Tinder to look for more silly women but let me leave you with a very clever thought that I have just found under a Pot Noodle lid (it’s not a faffy food)

 

If at first you don’t succeed – Sky Diving is not for you

 

 

Planning a beer on 21st April – watch this space

 

 

 


Fake News

Fake News

Lets get political ! OK, Olivia Newton-John sang about getting physical but the lyrics still fit the tune, try it !!

Fake news is a new watchword, all over the media. I can’t decide if it is deliberately fake news or just people embellishing stories, misreporting facts, not researching correctly of just trying to be seen as the first to publish something fashionably ahead of all the others. The latter being the reason they haven´t researched the subject properly.

Now, Donald J Trump uses the words fake news an awful lot and I want to analyse that a little. See, I think Trump is being quite clever about this. The media are well known for hashing up shit, misreporting or to be more accurate with that – selectively reporting what happens in the world

By selective reporting I mean that they leave relevant information out so that the facts they present, distort the truth to the point that they completely change the story.

Remember that TV advert for the Guardian Newspaper from a few years ago? Several different camera angles as a skin head ran towards a city slicker with his briefcase?

Guardian Ad

That is exactly what I mean, the skin head was saving the city slicker from a falling pallet of bricks but a different camera angle would have you believe he was trying to snatch his bag. Ironically, that advert itself was misrepresented too, with the final cinematic cut not being the same sequence as the other angle presented.

But move on to Trump. This is where I think he is being very clever and ultimately very brave. He is using a media stream to communicate with 20 million followers. In that stream, he can give exactly the information he wants you to see, that only he can edit, no media slant, misrepresentation, no so-called experts opinions, just his own voice.

There is also a down side to that. He can write whatever he likes, admittedly he will have some self censorship but ultimately if he wanted to tweet ‘Hilary is a Lazy old cow’ he could. So for his own gain, he could also deliberately mislead 20 million followers with no-one able to call him to task on it before it hits the outside world.

I am still curious about Trump. In a year of big political upsets, where the establishment is being challenged, it brings a little bit of hope. I am tired of weak and woolly politicians speaking without actually saying anything meaningful. Many of them too scared to say what they really think or what their electorate want them to bring into the public forum. Nigel Farage was not like that – he generally said what he thought and also what many of the voters were thinking too. Not afraid to say what he thought might just need saying.  I am so curious about the enigma that is Mr. Trump that I opened a twitter account purely to follow him – show me another politician that has grabbed my interest so much that I did similar!

Now, a few of you might think that I have gone a little mental right? Donald Trump, Nigel Farage but let me throw a few more names at you – Marine Le Pen, Geert Wilders and a name soon to vanish into the political archives Angela Merkel

Merkel is about to pay the ultimate political price for not listening to the concerns of her voters, a trip to the political wilderness is all hers – she will get hammered in this years elections.

Geert Wilders is even more interesting. All the opinion poles are suggesting that he will get support but not enough to form a government – opinion poles, remember how wrong they have been in recent history? I think old Geert just might surprise a few people.

Marine Le Pen – not this time is my prediction, but next time yes. France is not ready just yet but her time will come. François Hollande will be walking off to the wilderness hand in hand with Merkel

Wow, you might think, what on earth has rattled my cage today?

 

The Bloody BBC !!!

 

I hate this. I have for many years been proud of the BBC – an establishment that can be trusted, to report fairly and fully. Respected around the globe for its neutral stance on delivering accurate information – but it’s been on a slide.

Being out of the UK a lot, my first choice for news is the BBC. I see spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, factual mistakes in their news now. There used to be a time where they had a website to report these errors. Send them a note with a link to the page and they would deal with it. Not any more. I can only assume they got tired with the amount of corrections that they shut down the site to tell them about errors rather than address the real issue.

You have seen it too right? A reporter is looking at Facebook or some other web site and using that as their single point of research on a story. They claim a ‘social media outcry’ on a topic and post 3 examples. In a country of around 60 million people – 3 comments from internet warriors is hardly a social media outcry in my book.

You may have noticed too that the BBC also use google maps to add photos to their stories. Lets say Alfred Hitchcock was shot dead in Wankalot Street, Greater Manchester. Do they investigate further or just type wankalot street into google maps and screen grab a picture of that street? It is assumed that Google has listed the map & street correctly then published all over the BBC.

Lets not forget inaccurate reporting too. Ever read a story where they say something like ‘more than 12 cars were damaged’. What – you can only count to 12????? Investigate, give us facts because 1000 cars is more than 12 and 1000 suggests more of an incident than 13 doesn’t it?

The BBC is under threat of extinction and it would be a real shame and completely irreversible if it were lost just momentarily. If nothing is done to stop the nonsense it is starting to spout its demise is just around the corner.

I just read an article on Scottish Independence. I see Nicola Sturgeon is now wanting another independence referendum. I say give it to them and we can bury her political career next to Alex Salmond. The article in question is linked below. I just don’t know why these people hate the English with such a passion but let them get on with it – I am sure the Scots have more sense than Sturgeon credits them with.

The article headlines with ‘Scottish Independence support at highest ever level’.  Later into the story it writes this paragraph.

 

Asked to choose between independence, devolution and not having any kind of Scottish Parliament at all, 46% of the 1237 people surveyed between July & December of last year now back independence.

 

I have two issues with this. Such a small sample of people to make, what is, a huge statement from is wrong, but pollsters, you can’t tell them anything right?

More importantly, I seem to remember the last Independence vote Scotland took ended 45% Independent to 55% stay in the Union. So why such a dramatic headline for Independence support when in fact only a 1% increase has happened and that 1% was from less than 1300 people in a country where 4.5 million voted last time .

By the time that headline has been regurgitated a dozen times on social media it will be 70% in favour of independence – and you wonder where fake news comes from ?

Don’t blame Zuckerberg and Facebook, blame the cannon fodder that blindly hit the share and like buttons.  Don’t take my word for it though, research it yourself here

 

BBC Report

 

Phew – rant over. Holiday time is just a few days away. I will be back in Europe from 22nd March until 24th April and there are some key people I really would like to see.

 

Sister, Parents & Uncle at the top of the list of course, then there are others – Connor, it’s about time I took you for a coffee after all of your avid reading. Faggot pants Clifton might also get a visit while I am in Cornwall visiting Maria Moore. There is also the real possibilities of Portugal, I hear the very lush yank from Salt Lake City is back in town, Zenia-June and of course Mallorca to meet with Jones the Prick who is about to become a father for the first time. If I am in Mallorca, I have to meet with Belahendro and Bomber too – the list is endless but does also include John and Mon or the future in -laws if I can just get Lynsey to say yes !

 

Flying on the 21st, back on the ground and on my UK number from 06:30 on 22nd – send me some love


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