Something is Returning

It could be genius, it could be simply the new purchase – a Range Rover Sport V8 Supercharged.  A tad over 500 BHP and fuel consumption that warrants buying shares in BP.  You gotta do it though – everyone should have a V8 Supercharged at some stage in their life right?

On the plane up to Aberdeen tonight, I happened across the perfect song to play first on my road trip back south.  You will get that at the very bottom of this post – just imagine, as I pull away out of Aberdeen tomorrow morning…….  OK, by my standards, Aberdeen to Rugby is nothing more than a quick hop, skip and a jump but every road trip deserves its own play list to see you through.

I found another blinder too, this one you don’t have to wait for though, take a quick look at this beauty.  This will be my sunset tune as I get further south.

Maybe the internet raised us – or maybe people are jerks !

So, where have I been you ask?  Dah – like you care?  Well, a year in Asia under my belt I decided to quit my job and take some time out to study for my next (and last) license.  The next one is as high as I can go,  Top of the shop – Nine – Oh.  February and March will flash by in a blur as I aim to convert my Y License over to an SV licence but also push the size of the boats 6 fold.

January will also see me studying for an Fgas license. What?  an Fgas license?  WTF?  No, its not ‘fart gas’ but does allow me to legally handle refrigerants for air con and fridges etc. I think it will look good on my ever expanding CV.

But enough of that bollocks

Tesco or Sainsbury’s?

Me, I am a Sainsbury boy through and through but I did see something this week that shocked me to my core.  I was out looking for printer cartridges for Poopies printer – a modest yet effective HP Envy 5640.  A nice wireless little model too I might add.  Anyway, a black and colour cartridge I spied in Tesco for £24 – nice little combo. Problem was, Tesco was out of own brand printer paper and by heck I wasn’t paying £5 for a premium ream, sod that!  I headed for Sainers so I could refuel with my double nectar points token at the same time.

Good old Sainers, had the ream of paper for just £3.50 – that’s more like it. Just out of curiosity, I browsed the printer cartridges too.  Holy crap I nearly shat my pants.  The same cartridge combo was £36 !!!!!!!!!!  £12 more expensive than Tesco.  12 pence I could deal with but 12 quid – come on.

Out of sheer disgust, I left with my paper, a hole punch and some of those little stick on paper circles to reinforce the punch holes – sod the printer inks, I ordered a pair of XL cartridges on eBay instead and got them the next day.

For the travellers amongst you – and I don’t mean pikies, the travellers that fly – I have a new game for you to try. I have been doing it for a while now.  I am still stuck on the name for it, either ‘spot the fuckwit’ or ‘shit your pants’ I can’t decide.  Get on a plane, wait for it to start its taxi and then take a good look around.  See if you can guess who will be the first to leap out of their seat to go the toilet the very instant that the captain turns off the seat belt signs – its amazing.

It doesn’t end there though – prepare yourself for the re-match.  After the pilot has announced the decent and the cabin crew tell you to return to your seats and buckle up, who will be the first dick (or dickette – lets consider equality for a moment) to get up for the toilet when the seat belt signs are turned back on again, even after the cabin crew have said the toilets are now out of service.

I struggle with these fools if I am honest.  I once held a poo all the way from L.A. to London and then last year smashed that record with a ‘hold’ all the way from Singapore to London.  Why people struggle for 30 minutes is beyond me.

OK

 

Back to the start.  The beginning of the road trip – the song I shall start my journey with is……..

 

Wait for it.  Let me explain the intensity of this song.  People talk about bucket lists (OK, yanks talk about bucket lists).  They wank on about sky diving, going to the Isle of Man TT, Lion Taming, stabbing a Vicar in the neck, etc etc etc.  The bucket list – A list of things you should do before you die (kick the bucket)

Well, all of the items on their bucket list are just plain piffle, twat waffle, a waste of space.  If there is one thing, just one thing that should be on everyone’s bucket list – it should be this.

Many years ago while having a night out in Edinburgh, a packed pub, rammed to the rafters, the DJ decided to play this song. The whole place erupted in grand voice so loud, even the walls were shaking, I swear the 4 storey building was swaying with the beat.  Scrub your bucket list and put this at the top – to be in a Scottish pub when this is played.

But before you look, let me translate, To Haver = To talk shit.

 

 

 

Lastly, a few hello’s

 

Mon & John.  Bumped into Mon in the TC last week while I was walking along dreaming about a Greggs sausage role and almost missed her, in fact, I did miss her, luckily she spotted me. Lexa – all the way down in South Africa, popping up for the Hugh Cornwell post the other week, Conor – always deserving a mention, my most avid follower, Mr Westwood (and I don’t mean Tim) a surprise meeting at the farm in Cathorpe.  Amy Beard for still not buying me coffee and a cake – MINGER ! Steve B for some very good Xbox sessions since I have been home and of course my bird for being spectacularly ace in every aspect.

 

Party on Wayne

 

 

 


I feel Genius returning

until then – enjoy this


Don’t ask me where I have been.

But do ask about the monumental trip I am currently making all the way from West Papua to good old Rugby Town.

Most of you will have no idea where West Papua is, or even that it existed. Well, take a globe, spin it around until you can see Australia, draw a vertical line up the middle of Australia and out the top, the first land mass you might hit will be Papua.  I was there yesterday.  Tomorrow I aim to be in Rugby, squeezing the squeeze.

How about this for a monster trek, 4 taxi’s, 4 flights, 2 train rides, 1 underground ride, two overnight stops in cheap (and a little run down) hotels and a quick walk off the platform into the arms of my favourite nurse.  Heavenly.

I have now had a year in Asia, a bit like John Thaw’s year in Provence – NOT. Different over here, mainly hot and humid or just plain hot so I am glad to be heading back to the chills of blighty.  Yep, you will think I am mad but one thing I noticed about people that move to hot climates – they spend all their time in air conditioned buildings so unless you count global warming as a win, they have gained nothing.

 

So, Rugby Town…..I wonder if it has changed much?  Will be in the Merchants Inn on Friday night if you fancy a beer.

If you have ever thought of crossword puzzles being difficult to complete correctly, try completing one wrongly – filling all those spaces with words and letters that connect correctly is a dozen times harder, I promise you.

 

We did have a new experience on board our boat recently.  Two of the guests wanted to get married.  The captain stepped up to the plate and did the deed.  The stewardesses pulled out all of the stops to make the boat look ceremonial and me, as the engineer, was tasked with commissioning a wedding ring!  That’s a first for me.  Scratching my head wondering what to use and how to do it, I finally opted for an old fishing hook, a gas burner and some snipe nosed pliers to get the job done.  Measured the Grooms finger with one of my combination spanners (he’s a 17mm by the way) and began to fashion the ring for him.  It actually turned out pretty damn excellent I might say.  I did hope he would leave it behind and let me keep it but he took it with him.  One day when I am fat and famous, that ring will be worth a mint I tell you – like an original Banksy.

Anyway, have a look at the photos, click to enlarge and place your orders for bespoke jewelery next time you see me.

 

So there you have it – the man has hidden talents don’t you know.

New Xbox One X is waiting for me too, along with a new personalised controller – all I need now is a 4k TV and I am in.  A major lottery win wouldn’t go amiss either but to get that one, I might need to buy a ticket right?  Something tells me though, I won’t get much time to try it out.  A trip to the Fred Dibnah Heritage Centre is on the cards, renew my medical certificate in Nottingham and two little surprises for the squeeze, one as a birthday treat is, if I say so myself, a – fucking – mazing!!!  Don’t take my word for it though – check back here in December and read all aboout (for the Canadian readers) it.

Glad to see some chums have confirmed for the Merchants, always look forward to seeing the Beards, this time, Junior Gurnsey is even going to make it so I am told.  Biggest surprise – Mr. & Mrs. Brown will also be there !!!

 

And if you were wondering, I was a 21mm – that would be well endowed if I were a lesbian !

See you tomorrow bum holes !!

 

No Range Rover Sport this time 😦

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Could be – Soon enough

Been a hectic week.  Late last week we got word that the local volcano was showing signs of activity.  Earlier this week an earthquake close to one of the neighbouring islands triggered a Tsunami warning and then this morning I woke up to hear that the local authorities have raised the volcano threat to level 4 – eruption imminent.

To add to those natural woes, I also suffered a burst hot water tank on Wednesday night, flooding two cabins below and trashing some very expensive  audio gear.  Life’s good.

I have never been close to an active volcano before so I am actually contemplating hitting the road in the early hours with the scooter to take a closer look.  There is currently an exclusion zone in place at 6km but that might just be close enough – that little 125 scooter has a top speed of just 100 kph!

Poor old Rosie had her bag snatched the other night while on the back of a scooter.  Bali is not the paradise you might have believed.  Took her bag, bank cards, cash and new phone and vanished into the evening darkness.

Now here’s a tune from back in the day.

Had that blasting on thursday night as I finished putting the galley together after the water tank failure.

 

Talking of galley – we have a new stewie on board, I have my concerns. She joined 5 days ago and the very next day we had to travel to Singapore for a visa run.  We had time to talk unfortunately.  She said something to me that always, ALWAYS sets alarm bells ringing in my head.

‘I have travelled to 49 countries’

That saying, the quantifying of how much someone has travelled usually sends a shiver down my spine, makes me roll my eyes and go and talk to someone else.  This time was no different.  I have an issue with it because it then makes me think that those people only travel so that they can brag about it.  Great that they have actually done it rather than lie about it but I feel sad for them if they are only going to the effort of travel for bragging rights. That line is a clear indicator that someone is just full of guff.

I have travelled quite a bit.  I feel no need to brag about it, in fact, I suspect I am deliberately coy about it.  I have absofuckinglutely no idea how many countries I have been to – even if I sat down with an atlas and spun around the world, I am sure I would forget some of them – but I feel no need to share where I have been, with one exception – if you asked me specifically if I had been somewhere, then I would talk about it.

The same person then began to wank on about surfing and where they had surfed, then scuba diving came up, again wanking on about how this place was good, that place was good blah bla blah bla blah.  I just kept quite, couldn’t even be arsed to join in.

Generally I don’t mind talking about that shit when it naturally flows into conversation, I will share my experiences equally – but when its all about you trying to tell me just how fucking cool you are – I couldn’t really give a monkeys – keep it to yourself love.

Anyway, I digress.  The reason why this girl came to mind was when my water tank burst.  My alarms started ringing at 5am – I was up and ripping the galley apart to get to the offending water heater – typically boat builders put these in shit places and then build the boat around them – this was no exception.  So by 7 am, I had at least stopped the flow of water and was having a cup of tea in the crew mess.  Two hours of pulling the cupboards, walls, machinery apart in the galley – this girl walks through the place and down to the crew mess where I am sipping a well earned cup of PG.  Her first words to me after walking through what must have looked like a war zone??

Did you sleep OK?

Really ????  What do you think love, its 7am and the galley looks like a battlefield – do you think it fell apart over night?  Sometimes I think we give too much space on this planet to fucktards then another thought crossed my mind.  Maybe the number is 49 as the first 48 just wanted to get shot of her?

I also learned that she has offered to make a claim on her insurance for Rosie’s phone that was stolen and she has just sent her drivers license back to Oz to take some points for a speeding ticket a friend has just received as he already has the max points on his license.  I wonder how long this girl will last.

It was at this point I wanted to insert a clip from an old movie ‘Restless Natives’ but Youtube has failed me miserably.  A great film from the 80’s about the Clown and the Wolfman robbing tourist coaches on a Suzuki GP100. The soundtrack played by Big Country, you should go and look it up.

Now the Suzuki GP125 was the bike to have back then but these boys opted for the smaller 100cc version.  Pre dating the hugely successful Suzuki GP125 was the learner friendly Yamaha FS1E or ‘fizzy’ as it was lovingly referred to by spotty petrol heads of its time.  These two stroke pocket rockets were every teenage boys dream back then.

There – that cleared the air I think.  I feel better now, might even order another coffee.

If it is movies with great soundtracks you are looking for, I make two recommendations

Grosse Point Blank – with the supremely divine Minni Driver & of course Donnie Darko (Directors Cut) with Jake & Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Want to see Maggie at her best? Stranger than Fiction is the movie for you. Will Ferrel delivers one of the best lines in the history of movies – if you don’t understand the joke, rent the movie.  If you don’t agree it is one of the best lines in movie history – you are wrong.

Now, those chicks may be hot, they may be famous and they may be rich but they are definitely no SJ

 

Game On !!

 


You thought I was dead right?

Well not quite, although if North Korea have anything to say about that, I might be vaporised some time soon.

Firstly an apology.  In the 12 year history of this blog, I don’t think I have ever suffered a silence this long – almost two months !! So, as you might expect, I have plenty to rant about and as my connection is shit and I need to be quick, I need to type fast so don’t expect it in any kind of relevant order what so ever.

Skype – lets talk about them for a minute.  Couple of months ago, my Samsung auto updated overnight and gave me the all new Version 8 of Skype – what an abortion it turned out to be.  I also took the update on my iPhone to equal disappointment.  The android however, would let me roll back to V7 where it still comfortably sits until this day – making the android my extra special phone of choice again.

I would dearly like to hit the ‘New Skype’ team with a fully charged bolt of lightning – right up their ring holes.  They have turned what was a very unique and life saving application into some pre pubescent teenager dribble, forgetting that the majority of their user base is probably over the age of 30.  I keep checking in on the iTunes Store and also Google Play to see the hammering they are taking in the ratings but still they blindly plug on, forcing the shit that no-one wants on all of us.  What was once a 4*+ experience on the iTunes store has now dropped to just above 1*.

Of course, I have tried half a dozen other applications for communicating with friends and lovers but none of them do what Skype V7 does.  That got me thinking.  See those developers at New Skype must have thought ‘we need to do what everyone else is doing’ and that makes no sense.  If you have a product that is the same as 10 others , your market share is limited, people will choose which they use based on silly things, colour schemes, friends that use them etc.  If you have a product that is different and no-one else does anything to rival it – you have something that, I remember from my corporate days, is referred to as a USP or a unique selling point.  That alone will draw people in, away from those other 10 products in the market that don’t have your function. Sadly though, New Skype is giving its clients something they don’t want or didn’t ask for – a bit like ‘New Coke’ if you are old enough to remember that.  Sadly though, and unlike New Coke, I expect New Skype will not be withdrawn in favour of the old V7 masterpiece, even when customers leave in their hundreds of thousands to other platforms.

Either way, its a loss for the consumer – even more so when I asked Skype to refund me the credit that is on my Skype account and they said no.  For anyone like me who works away and likes to communicate long distance in relative simplicity – Skype was a godsend, now it is just a pile of shit.  All of this at a time where I was seriously considering a move away from apple completely and back to Microsoft – but now that’s on hold.  I hope I can eek out more life from my 7 year old mac.

The world is a changing place too, as I edge towards 50 I am feeling different.  I put some proper grunge on this morning, Soundgarden, no, I am not a fashionista that recently got into Soundgarden when their lead singer recently died – (quick divert here), why is it, that when someone dies, iTunes suddenly doubles the price of their music?  I can see it now, news breaks across the world and the iTunes admin staff go into overdrive to instantly hike up their prices, Chris Cornell was no exception, as were the Beastie Boys when Adam Yauch left us behind, even the mighty Bee Gees get the same treatment – it really pisses me off, these big fat corporations getting even bigger and fatter from other people’s misery.

I just mentioned to my second engineer, how about some real grunge?  I put on Screaming Life and jokingly said ‘this is probably older than you’ – turns out , it was. After the whole album was gone, I turned to a little bit of Green Day just to spice things up a bit.  then it hit me – these fuckers on here probably don’t even know Green Day, FFS.

The biggest frustration I have with the youngsters on board is their lack of caring and respect for the very vessel that keeps them safe and alive.  They crash around, bashing and slamming everything, leaving every electrical device turned on with no thought for their actions.  I have just had a frantic call from the chef about his freezers.  From the sound of his radio call, you would think his freezer was on fire when in fact all that had happened was he had shut something in the door and damaged the door seal.  Now call me a twat if you will but if you can close a walk in fridge door with two steel plates in the way that shouldn’t be there and NOT EVEN NOTICE – you shouldn’t be working at sea.  Go and join a Facebook group or something, complain all you like but please, fuck off and leave me alone.

The other week, one of the stewardesses came to me with a door handle in her hand.  She had slammed the handle down with such force that the shaft that runs through the door from one handle to the other had sheared completely.  That’s a lot of force.  Even better, I don’t think they know that door handles can also be used to close doors gently so that you don’t wake other people up.

Now of late, I have had more of a need to communicate while at sea than I have in recent years.  I am of an age where we didn’t have full time internet connections.  Transatlantic sailing was done from Mallorca to Antigua without any contact with the rest of the world, 16 or 17 days at a time. Now, everyone feels so privileged that they should have it all the time.  This in turn causes the boss to have internet anguish as I like to call it.  His speeds get so slow that he can hardly function.  In fairness to him, if I was paying 4 grand a month for an internet service, I would want all the bandwidth too but it is making my life extraordinarily hard.  On a work level, my boat computer gets shut down from the outside world.  That can be a real drag.  When the boss is on, I have to be very selective about what work I do, most of it is hugely invasive so it has to wait.  While it waits, I normally catch up with suppliers, theories, paper work or just hunt out solutions for current problems.  Cut me off from the outside world and it really hurts.  Most of my shopping is done with suppliers in America who are 12-18 hours behind.  Cut me off at the wrong time of day for a couple of hours and I can lose a whole day – not funny.

Then of course, there is the want and need to communicate with the squeeze. I am not talking about full on video conferencing here but just the need to send or receive simple messages or photos and that gets frustrating. Two days it took to download a recent video message the squeeze sent – as it happens it was a very important clip, a tearful squeeze explaining and sharing how she struggles with my absence – and it took me two days to see it.  Looking at it from her side, she has bared her soul, sent me a message and I haven’t even bothered to respond – or so it seems.  Knowing how things can spiral out of control, i get frustrated at the inability to communicate.  Let me put it into perspective.  When I am finished here today, I will click on the menu area at the top of my screen. i will then wait for around 30 seconds for the menu to appear with the ‘sign out option’.  Now imagine trying to load a whole page?  It ain’t pretty.

So change will come, change will happen, change is good – and if you oppose change there is always Facebook where you can say you protested your bit by joining a Facebook action group where once you have clicked ‘join’ no further action is taken.

So, change is good, unless you are the New Skype Team, in which case your product change was shit but nowhere near as shit as receiving your p45 when Bill Gates sees all the reviews people have left you.

 

Anyway – I want to leave you with a little grunge.  Not my all time fave track but one you are more likely to recognise.  As it happens, it’s not too bad either.  This song deserves your attention so stop what you are doing and take a moment to enjoy it.  Put your headphones in, turn up your speakers, lean back in your chair  – just take a moment.  Grunge is not dead – long live grunge

 


A Holiday by the Oxford Canal

I am currently sneaking my way back to blighty to surprise the squeeze.  I think I have got away with it so far but that first flight was 10 hours.  10 hours of Skype silence in a part of the day where that would be considered unusual – I wonder if she will put 2 & 2 together and get 4.

And that leads me nicely into a story I just read on the BBC. Not one for vague news & reporting inaccuracies I noticed this little paragraph in an article that was telling us about the death of a maths genius in the US.  It struck me as a little odd.  These guys are meant to be so clever but they didn’t know which number comes between 2 and 4.

Nicknamed the “Nobel Prize for Mathematics”, the Fields Medal is only awarded every four years to between two and four mathematicians under 40.

Dont believe me?  Link to the article below. There is only one number between 2 and 4 as far as I am aware.  OK smart arses, you can’t include fractions this time, the number refers to people so it really has to be a ‘whole’ number this time

Maths Genius

So there – it appears I am smarter than the biggest maths genii in America.  Mind you, America, I am not setting the bar too high am I ?

 

So, the start of a month off.  What can I achieve this month?  Hopefully the Samsung will get repaired quickly, I will be reporting on the customer service experience right here so please check back.

I am also going to see if I can visit Chernobyl, Cannock Chase and maybe even Scotland while I am off.

Oh yeah – Hot Tub Time Machine, Drive the Rangie and sell the Volvo


UK Mail & DHL

Ok, Here we go, just like Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction – I want to unleash fury

Unleash fury on fuckwits !!

UK Mail – or to give them another name – DHL – you twats!

 

So I have a Samsung S8 currently lost in their ether – can I get help? No fucking chance.  Click on the phone icon on their support website – absolutely fuck all!  Talk to someone ?? forget it.  Get cut off by an automated service – most definitely.

OK, so I made a mistake.  A present for the squeeze, a new S8, delivered to my parents for security while I am out in Singapore – but I forgot the fuckwit factor ( a multiple of 100 apparently).  Parents away on holiday, a consignment in my name that they refuse to leave with a neighbour and I am three weeks away.

Under normal circumstances you might expect that I could divert the delivery to someone else – but not with these soapy tit wanks – it seems nothing is possible.

My only option is to delay delivery for another 3 days in the hope that when that one fails, I can delay it again until someone is at the delivery address.

Under conventional thinking, a call to a human being could sort this out, authorise the delivery somewhere else and the squeeze could, as a surprise, receive her new phone – but DHL – or Dick Head Losers as I will now refer to them, can´t seem to grasp that as a basic.  The horror is making me weep.

 

Almost as much as the new Skype update – W T F ???????  I just looked at the most recent reviews and Skype, you are getting more 1 star reviews than Apple OS releases used to get before Apple stopped letting people write reviews – Skype is now horrific.

I would change to Whatsapp – but their Facebook privacy issues piss me right off!

 

I am having an anti technology day (Those geek fuckers that were bullied at school deserve another good fucking kicking).


%d bloggers like this: