Tag Archives: gantry

If I ran the country

The first thing I would do is ban the mobile network three.co.uk

These ever so decent chaps have just hiked the cost of international calling by more than double. Naturally I had to call them.  My suggestion was simple – as they had changed the cost of my contract mid term, the should release me from it without penalty.

Pretty straight forward I thought but the guy on the other end of the phone was having none of it. He gave me two options.  I could leave without penalty but couldn’t take my number with me, you know, that number I have had for more than 10 years? Or, I could pay the early termination penalty and keep my number.

I desperately explained how unfair that was as they had changed my tariff mid contract but he stood his ground.  Eventually I lost my cool and called him a bully.  That made him scuttle off to talk to someone else.

On his return he was somewhat apologetic.  He was just beginning to realise how much my calls had gone up.  He explained that there was nothing they could do as it was a company policy but as a gesture of goodwill (apparently I am a good customer) the offered a £30 credit on my bill. I took it, naturally.

Then this month I wanted to check to see if the credit had been applied to the bill.  In this modern, environmentally leaning society that we live in, I have paperless billing and instead use their app to see my bills.  Of course, their app wasn’t working.  I contacted them and after 20 minutes and 3 different operators, I hung up.  Some stroppy bitch on the other end of the phone really did get my goat.  They tried calling me back but I blocked their number.

 

 

Seriously – what a hike.

 

Other things I would change revolve around motoring.  See last week I got a speeding ticket.  1st one of this millennium I might add but nonetheless it is still a ticket.  What happened?  Heading north on the M1 in South Yorkshire, 4 lanes of motorway at probably 20% capacity, one lane completely free, lane 3 very light, lanes 1 and 2 not even moderately occupied.

The little matrix at the side of the road said 60mph, so like most people, I dropped my speed and prepared to see a reason ahead as to why we needed to slow a little.  After a short while of seeing nothing out of the ordinary I hit ‘resume’ on the cruise control. I carried on for a while when suddenly I saw the double flash on a car in front of me – oh shit I thought, then it flashed again, this time on me.

My crime – 69mph when the gantry said 60mph.  No workforce in the road, no obstructions in the road, clear sunny weather (heat wave actually) and nothing between me and the end of the 60 zone that warranted a reduction in speed. I got my ticket 2 days ago.

It got me thinking a little bit.  See to me, it was completely unneccessary to reduce the speed, there was no reason to.  Then I thought – I could drive past a school at kicking out time at 30mph and not get flashed by a camera – that would be more risky in my book.

Then of course there are the phone users – wedged to their ear as they negotiate roundabouts and corners or the people that have a beer or two and drive.

So I would change a few things.

Motorways – 80mph in the dry – 60mph in the rain – works for the French and it is very easy to cross France in a car.  At 85mph (65mph) in the wet – you get your points and a fine.

Schools at kicking out time – 20mph max for half a mile either side of the school gates – no tolerance here, 21mph gets you a ticket.

Caught on a phone? 6 points and £500 fine – no exceptions. Come on, a bluetooth kit is as little as £15!!

Alcohol when driving – ZERO.  I say this based on my own beautiful experience.  See I am one of those cheap dates that can actually get a little shit faced from one bottle of beer.

 

Dodgy number plates and front windows with illegal tints – prohibition on car at roadside, cannot be driven away with said defects.

Uninsured drivers – cars confiscated. Instead of crushing them, they are sold at public auction, the proceeds of which are returned to the police to assist with funding.  In fact this should be extended to all items that can be sold if they have been purchased with the proceeds of crime

Mobile speed detection vans (don’t give me that safety partnership bullshit) – could only work at sites where either there had been an accident in the last couple of years OR residents had requested its presence. Any fines to go to the local council who use the funds directly to improve the accident black spots to make them safer. And no more camera vans at the bottom of steep hills unless one or both of the criteria above are met. See, I have a real issue when they say safety camera team.  The issue is that they are nearly always positioned in spots that provide them with the best results.

 

After all of that, I also had a killer thought.

 

If the money, time and effort that local authorities have invested in camera vans, smart motorways with gantry cameras, average speed cameras, road humps, chicanes etc etc had been spent on combating knife crime – they would probably save more lives pound for pound.

But that’s just me trash talking because I just got a speeding ticket.

Anything else in the news?

 

 

 

 

 


Caught a bolt of lightening….

Some things we don’t appreciate until they are gone.  There is a very significant comedienne that fits this category.  I never really appreciated her when she was alive, maybe it was an age thing? By crikey this old bird was sharp.  Sharp, funny and not afraid to say what she wanted.

Stop for a moment and enjoy this old bird at her finest.

 

 

Yeah I know, not to everyone’s taste but by crikey she makes me laugh.

 

So – my silence. Let me explain.

 

Studying.  Taken over my life so far this year, certainly over the last 2 months or so.  I have been consumed with pushing myself to improve my marine licence and get onto bigger boats with a more acceptable schedule.  So for the last few days I have been in sunny Newcastle to sit what should have been my last two papers of the year.

Newcastle hasn’t been kind to me over the years.  A few years back you may remember I came up here for the Great North Run aiming for a 1 hour 45 min finish time, instead missing out by around 17 minutes.

On the way up on Tuesday afternoon, I triggered a speed camera on the motorway.  I reckon I was doing about 71mph when the gantry suggested only 60mph.  Doesn’t matter that there was sod all on the roads and sod all reason to issue the 60 limit.  I was over.  Amazes me to be able to do 30mph past a school at kicking out time but 70mph on a 4 lane motorway on a bright sunny afternoon when only 2 lanes are busy is a no no.

Yesterday, Newcastle continued to be unkind.  I was served up an exam paper that was an absolute fucker !  I am pretty sure I have not done enough to pass that one. A resit is on the horizon.

Its weird really because Newcastle and the locals are superb.  I have never met such a cannie bunch in all fairness.  As far as accents go, a geordie accent is as sweet and sexy as an East German.

I once worked with a geordie at LeasePlan, Brian Cairnes I think was his name.  He told me once, if you can master these 3 words in Geordie, you can master the whole lingo.  Try it for yourself

Kawasaki

Photocopier

Conjunctivitis

Anyway – I now have a few weeks to either get back to work or sit and wait for my results to come through.  There are a few things I would like to catch up on, including just seeing friends.  I have been so consumed over the last few months that I have seen no-one.

 

Is it just me or are Fire Engines getting smaller?  I was at the birds the other week.  As we pulled up, I could hear a smoke alarm.  I wandered to the bottom of the street and sure enough a house was on fire.  Being fully trained for that sort of shit I checked with the owner that everyone was out then had a cheeky gander myself to see if there was anything I could do.  In all fairness, everyone was out, no pets missing and the back bedroom was well alight so I retreated to the street to pass the info onto the brigade when it arrived.

I could hear the sirens in the distance, I knew the were coming.  Surely they could see the smoke too.  When they arrived – I was shocked.  That engine wasn’t much bigger than my Range Rover.  I also noticed at my local station that they too have one of these smaller units.  Maybe fires are just not as big as they used to be, all these flame retardant modern materials and stuff?

Silence over.  Maybe I will write some really interesting shit this summer.  Maybe I will find something that completely mesmerises me, maybe I will work on my fitness and lose some weight, maybe maybe maybe…….

 

I was reminiscing the other night, the good old days of early Saturday morning starts to be on the break in Cornwall by 9am.  The SRI Vectra dropped on its arse, boards on the roof and The Distillers for company on the 4 hour drive down. Leaning forward as we approached the ‘Welcome to Cornwall’ sign on the motorway then shouting at Mr Richer that ‘I was in Cornwall before you’.

So I guess I should treat you to Ms Brody Dalle………..hot hot hot hot hot.!

 

 

But remember, I am a classic Libran – perfect balance, a yin for the yang, a feng for your shui, a McDonalds for the Burger King.

So lets balance the musical mood with a Dance Classic from back in the day (you can see my previous rants about that phrase further down the page).  I remember this tune with fondness.  I was working in Royal Leamington Spa at the time, and , if I say so myself, it was an insanely buff period of my life – I turned heads even when fully clothed.  I went into a record shop (youngsters ask your parents about those!) and asked for this track by the artist.  So cool was my Mojo that the mofo behind the counter said ‘Who?’

 

Enjoy

 

 

They just don’t make ’em like that any more eh?

So what next I hear you ask?  A summer of indecision I think.  Do I work or wait for my notice of exam failure and get straight back on it?

I will let fate help me with that decision I think.  I have a few chores to catch up on at home, at the birds and the birds’ daughters so surely I can keep busy for a coupe of weeks at least? Hell I might even win the euromillions tonight.

 

But in case I don’t – I have a plan.  If you have a plan, stick to it.

 

 

 


%d bloggers like this: