Tag Archives: facebook

UK Mail & DHL

Ok, Here we go, just like Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction – I want to unleash fury

Unleash fury on fuckwits !!

UK Mail – or to give them another name – DHL – you twats!

 

So I have a Samsung S8 currently lost in their ether – can I get help? No fucking chance.  Click on the phone icon on their support website – absolutely fuck all!  Talk to someone ?? forget it.  Get cut off by an automated service – most definitely.

OK, so I made a mistake.  A present for the squeeze, a new S8, delivered to my parents for security while I am out in Singapore – but I forgot the fuckwit factor ( a multiple of 100 apparently).  Parents away on holiday, a consignment in my name that they refuse to leave with a neighbour and I am three weeks away.

Under normal circumstances you might expect that I could divert the delivery to someone else – but not with these soapy tit wanks – it seems nothing is possible.

My only option is to delay delivery for another 3 days in the hope that when that one fails, I can delay it again until someone is at the delivery address.

Under conventional thinking, a call to a human being could sort this out, authorise the delivery somewhere else and the squeeze could, as a surprise, receive her new phone – but DHL – or Dick Head Losers as I will now refer to them, can´t seem to grasp that as a basic.  The horror is making me weep.

 

Almost as much as the new Skype update – W T F ???????  I just looked at the most recent reviews and Skype, you are getting more 1 star reviews than Apple OS releases used to get before Apple stopped letting people write reviews – Skype is now horrific.

I would change to Whatsapp – but their Facebook privacy issues piss me right off!

 

I am having an anti technology day (Those geek fuckers that were bullied at school deserve another good fucking kicking).


Is Romance Really Dead?

Hearts are about to melt !!

 

So for those of you in the know, I recently made the acquaintance of a new squeeze – courtesy of one Dennis Raymond Hambridge and a recent illness.  When people get ill, they end up in hospital – hospital is where nurses hang out !  Well, ok, to be accurate – they work there.  I recently hung out in a few hospitals as my Facebook followers will be well aware of.

Just happened that one of those nurses was extremely hot – and I am not over quoting that level of extreme either – super hot, hotter than fake news !

Now, with a little help from another nurse (Thank You Abby) – I managed to get a date with this hot nurse.  Her hotness did not wane – and she had quite an impact on me.  We met a few more times, had some more dates, walks, coffee, crumpets, wine etc etc until it was time for me to head back to Thailand for 3 months of work.

That was tough.  I really didn’t want to wait for 3 months to see her again so arranged to fly her to Singapore for 10 days – she will arrive on the 16th of this month.

Now, this is where it gets really sticky.

A little competition has ensued.  A competition between the pair of us to find the most romantic thing to do in Singapore.

I have no doubt that what I have just done will totally blitz anything she can think of, anything you could think of or anything you all could collectively think of.  It is completely untouchable –  I MEAN UNTOUCHABLE !!

When the lady readers find out what I have done, there will be collective sighs, smiles, happiness and maybe even a tear welling in the corner of an eye.

When the male readers find out what I have done – you will be doubly pissed off.  Firstly because when your missus finds out what I have done, she will be pissed that you have never done anything that could even come remotely close to this, and secondly, as a male, you will be jealous that you have never thought to do something so immense – and I do not use that word lightly.

So what have I done?

 

I can’t tell you ………….it’s not due to happen for a few weeks and the squeeze may just find out from here just what it is.  What I will promise all of you is to let you know when I will be back in the UK, and invite you all out for a beer or two again and you can meet her and ask her in person – then you are all gonna blub like babies – well the chicks anyway – Amy Beard will definitely blub!

 

Blub on Bitches

 


Fake News

Fake News

Lets get political ! OK, Olivia Newton-John sang about getting physical but the lyrics still fit the tune, try it !!

Fake news is a new watchword, all over the media. I can’t decide if it is deliberately fake news or just people embellishing stories, misreporting facts, not researching correctly of just trying to be seen as the first to publish something fashionably ahead of all the others. The latter being the reason they haven´t researched the subject properly.

Now, Donald J Trump uses the words fake news an awful lot and I want to analyse that a little. See, I think Trump is being quite clever about this. The media are well known for hashing up shit, misreporting or to be more accurate with that – selectively reporting what happens in the world

By selective reporting I mean that they leave relevant information out so that the facts they present, distort the truth to the point that they completely change the story.

Remember that TV advert for the Guardian Newspaper from a few years ago? Several different camera angles as a skin head ran towards a city slicker with his briefcase?

Guardian Ad

That is exactly what I mean, the skin head was saving the city slicker from a falling pallet of bricks but a different camera angle would have you believe he was trying to snatch his bag. Ironically, that advert itself was misrepresented too, with the final cinematic cut not being the same sequence as the other angle presented.

But move on to Trump. This is where I think he is being very clever and ultimately very brave. He is using a media stream to communicate with 20 million followers. In that stream, he can give exactly the information he wants you to see, that only he can edit, no media slant, misrepresentation, no so-called experts opinions, just his own voice.

There is also a down side to that. He can write whatever he likes, admittedly he will have some self censorship but ultimately if he wanted to tweet ‘Hilary is a Lazy old cow’ he could. So for his own gain, he could also deliberately mislead 20 million followers with no-one able to call him to task on it before it hits the outside world.

I am still curious about Trump. In a year of big political upsets, where the establishment is being challenged, it brings a little bit of hope. I am tired of weak and woolly politicians speaking without actually saying anything meaningful. Many of them too scared to say what they really think or what their electorate want them to bring into the public forum. Nigel Farage was not like that – he generally said what he thought and also what many of the voters were thinking too. Not afraid to say what he thought might just need saying.  I am so curious about the enigma that is Mr. Trump that I opened a twitter account purely to follow him – show me another politician that has grabbed my interest so much that I did similar!

Now, a few of you might think that I have gone a little mental right? Donald Trump, Nigel Farage but let me throw a few more names at you – Marine Le Pen, Geert Wilders and a name soon to vanish into the political archives Angela Merkel

Merkel is about to pay the ultimate political price for not listening to the concerns of her voters, a trip to the political wilderness is all hers – she will get hammered in this years elections.

Geert Wilders is even more interesting. All the opinion poles are suggesting that he will get support but not enough to form a government – opinion poles, remember how wrong they have been in recent history? I think old Geert just might surprise a few people.

Marine Le Pen – not this time is my prediction, but next time yes. France is not ready just yet but her time will come. François Hollande will be walking off to the wilderness hand in hand with Merkel

Wow, you might think, what on earth has rattled my cage today?

 

The Bloody BBC !!!

 

I hate this. I have for many years been proud of the BBC – an establishment that can be trusted, to report fairly and fully. Respected around the globe for its neutral stance on delivering accurate information – but it’s been on a slide.

Being out of the UK a lot, my first choice for news is the BBC. I see spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, factual mistakes in their news now. There used to be a time where they had a website to report these errors. Send them a note with a link to the page and they would deal with it. Not any more. I can only assume they got tired with the amount of corrections that they shut down the site to tell them about errors rather than address the real issue.

You have seen it too right? A reporter is looking at Facebook or some other web site and using that as their single point of research on a story. They claim a ‘social media outcry’ on a topic and post 3 examples. In a country of around 60 million people – 3 comments from internet warriors is hardly a social media outcry in my book.

You may have noticed too that the BBC also use google maps to add photos to their stories. Lets say Alfred Hitchcock was shot dead in Wankalot Street, Greater Manchester. Do they investigate further or just type wankalot street into google maps and screen grab a picture of that street? It is assumed that Google has listed the map & street correctly then published all over the BBC.

Lets not forget inaccurate reporting too. Ever read a story where they say something like ‘more than 12 cars were damaged’. What – you can only count to 12????? Investigate, give us facts because 1000 cars is more than 12 and 1000 suggests more of an incident than 13 doesn’t it?

The BBC is under threat of extinction and it would be a real shame and completely irreversible if it were lost just momentarily. If nothing is done to stop the nonsense it is starting to spout its demise is just around the corner.

I just read an article on Scottish Independence. I see Nicola Sturgeon is now wanting another independence referendum. I say give it to them and we can bury her political career next to Alex Salmond. The article in question is linked below. I just don’t know why these people hate the English with such a passion but let them get on with it – I am sure the Scots have more sense than Sturgeon credits them with.

The article headlines with ‘Scottish Independence support at highest ever level’.  Later into the story it writes this paragraph.

 

Asked to choose between independence, devolution and not having any kind of Scottish Parliament at all, 46% of the 1237 people surveyed between July & December of last year now back independence.

 

I have two issues with this. Such a small sample of people to make, what is, a huge statement from is wrong, but pollsters, you can’t tell them anything right?

More importantly, I seem to remember the last Independence vote Scotland took ended 45% Independent to 55% stay in the Union. So why such a dramatic headline for Independence support when in fact only a 1% increase has happened and that 1% was from less than 1300 people in a country where 4.5 million voted last time .

By the time that headline has been regurgitated a dozen times on social media it will be 70% in favour of independence – and you wonder where fake news comes from ?

Don’t blame Zuckerberg and Facebook, blame the cannon fodder that blindly hit the share and like buttons.  Don’t take my word for it though, research it yourself here

 

BBC Report

 

Phew – rant over. Holiday time is just a few days away. I will be back in Europe from 22nd March until 24th April and there are some key people I really would like to see.

 

Sister, Parents & Uncle at the top of the list of course, then there are others – Connor, it’s about time I took you for a coffee after all of your avid reading. Faggot pants Clifton might also get a visit while I am in Cornwall visiting Maria Moore. There is also the real possibilities of Portugal, I hear the very lush yank from Salt Lake City is back in town, Zenia-June and of course Mallorca to meet with Jones the Prick who is about to become a father for the first time. If I am in Mallorca, I have to meet with Belahendro and Bomber too – the list is endless but does also include John and Mon or the future in -laws if I can just get Lynsey to say yes !

 

Flying on the 21st, back on the ground and on my UK number from 06:30 on 22nd – send me some love


Interim Measure

I just felt the need to share a little something with you so wanted to make a short and sweet post.  I stumbled across this absolute gem of a video this morning on liveleak and it is fair to say, it had me laughing even though I am sick.  It is work safe but does need volume so you can hear what these chaps are saying.

a slap too far ?

Then, what was going to be a very short post, turned into more of a lengthy debate.  I started reading some of the comments on the video and all the guys were finding this video hilarious (and who wouldn’t) but they were also saying that women would not find it amusing as their sense of humour was different, I would say it is more complex.  This then got me to thinking about other male/female differences that makes women’s lives much harder than mens.

The first thing I noticed (as I was tidying my room) was washing clothes.  See, as a man, I can just grab all of my dirty clothes, regardless of origin or colour, bundle them all into one machine, select ‘rapid wash’ leave the temp at 30º and walk away for half an hour.  When it’s finished, bundle that heap of wet rags into the drier and switch it on for 40 minutes – hey presto, all my washing is done in less than an hour and a half and back in its storage facility, awaiting its next outing.

Shoes – no complex decision process here.  Guys only own two pairs of shoes in general and most likely one pair is covered in mud.  If we are going to see our friends or family, the muddy shoes are what those people will be expecting us to be wearing.

Traffic lights – they are either green or red – unless you are a chick.  If its green, it might go red, causing you to stop.  Then you have to decide, eye liner, lippy, hair, eye shadow, blusher etc etc.  If it is already red, you decision process is slightly different based on how much time on red there is left, but it is similar to the green scenario – eye liner, lippy, hair, eye shadow, blusher etc etc but if you really are not sure, then SMS, Facebook, Twatter etc etc. (actually, as Facebook has grown in popularity, it has reduced options for ladies at this point – no-one still uses other social media platforms like Bebo, MySpace, Hi5 and others – so ladies, Facebook is saving you time )

Chocolate – good topic for me.  Can I eat a bar of chocolate? Yes, if I go for a run to offset the calories.  Can a chick do it?  Well first there is the worry, that old saying ‘a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips’.  Once they get past that, they figure out a little exercise will burn it off but then a whole decision process is kicked off.  What type of exercise should they do, where should they do it, how long for, what to wear, how much make up to put on, which gym kit is most fashionable at the moment.  By the time a decision is made, it is dark outside and a chick can’t possibly exercise after dark in case the spiders get her!

So it is true, ladies lives are far more complex than men.  There is that old saying too ‘ Women prefer the simpler things in life –  Men!’  Now please don’t let this saying mislead you.  It’s not a preference on their behalf, it is more likely to be envy at our no-nonsense lifestyles.

 

I did warn you it was going to get lengthy.  Now, let’s get back on track……..running.  I am sick as a dog at the moment, real sick, man sick, sicker than any woman has ever been, ever.  So sick in fact that I have not ran all week – that is very sick.  It does though lead me onto the need for a soundtrack for my up and coming Great North Run.  I needed a soundtrack for 1h 45m + a 10m slot of Rihanna at the end as punishment if I was still running/motivation to get across the line.  I came up with a list of songs that was more than 3 hours long.  I have slowly squeezed it down but I am still over time by a good 40 minutes.  The current playlist is below, let me know your thoughts as to what more should be taken out, what more should be added. I will be re-sequencing the tunes listed too, to keep me slow at the beginning, to speed me up when I am flagging and to finish in a giant crescendo of noise and pain.

 

Great North

 

 


Big Brother IS watching you!!

Thought it was an urban myth did you? An Orwell fantasy?  Well no.

A couple of nights ago, I spilt a Belgian beer all over my lovely Mac.  I know what you are thinking, what a waste of good beer – I thought that too.  The other end of that argument is that it also shafted the afore mentioned Mac.  Now, to cut a long story short, I called the Apple store in Birmingham for help.  The automated answering service knew my name and pronounced it well, then asked me if I was calling about the iPhone 6 I purchased in 2014 or the Mac book Pro I purchased in 2010. Getting scary I thought.  Then I realised, the Mac was bought in Sint Maarten and the iPhone in Florida – neither of which required my UK phone number!!!!

Think about that next time you are clicking away happily on Facebook, liking shit that you have no idea of its origin.

Now sadly, I am suffering a very old windows laptop from circa 2009, still back then Windows Vista was all the rage.  My update history suggests I haven’t used it in almost a year and there were 79 updates that I needed to take – my verdict, it is shit.  I will be more careful with my beer in future.

So I left Mallorca on Friday and had a long long drive to Dunkirk.  As I left Palma and headed for Alcudia in the north of the island, I started to enjoy the drive.  I decided to immerse myself in the local culture and found a local Spanish radio station to listen to.  It took me about half a mile to realise that Spanish radio was in fact a load of shit and I found my own music shortly after.

Barcelona was the cluster fuck that I have come to expect from Spain, 8.30 on a Friday evening and it took me nearly two hours to make 4 or 5 miles onto the motorway but when I got free, it was simple cruising all the way.  I really wanted to make the Millau bridge during daylight and stop to take in the sights but time and daylight were not on my side.  Being honest, to make the bridge during daylight was a little ambitious on my behalf.

Needless to say – I made it safe and sound to the shores of blighty where the temperature was nice and cool.  The first weather forecast I saw was warning me of an impending heat wave – something I really couldn’t care for – I was looking for some cool wet weather!

This weekend is Great North Run time – tending to an injury at the moment but wont let that put me off too much – so long as I don’t need to stop for a dump on the way round, I should be ok.  You will fing coverage on the BBC.

 

 


Just what is the secret of Lisa Melvin?

I am curious – every time without fail, when I log onto my blog to see what’s been happening, I can see the search strings that people use to get here – ALWAYS – Lisa bloody Melvin’s name is there! What has she done to be so popular?

There are several downsides to working at sea.  So far this year I have missed two weddings, the Queens Jubilee, the Olympics Opening Ceremony and today’s closing ceremony.  Add to that, I last saw my girlfriend way back in the first half of June and we are currently planning to meet up in Vegas at the beginning of October.  Always, Christmas is missed as I am usually over here in the Caribbean but missing the fuss of Christmas is not really a big deal.

Today I watched the text highlights on the BBC website of the closing ceremony – Can’t stream live because I am officially in the wrong territory, but I can read someone else’s text.  To be fair, this is how I have seen all of the Formula 1 races this year so far – as a live text feed put in by someone else.

I am heavily bored today – we have guests on and are hopping our way up the East Coast of the U. S of A – fuck yeah !  Having guests on severely limits the work I can do, in general its a time for reading manuals and work histories – but that doesn’t stop it getting boring.  I also can’t get off the boat for any exercise which is driving me bloody mental.

Life without Facebook is proving surprisingly spectacular – I haven’t missed it – baby and horse photos all over the place and all that gibberish shit that twats like to post.  I have encouraged a few new readers this week and to honour them, I am considering a photo gallery totally dedicated to …………….Babies and Horses !!

Please welcome the terrible Cooper sisters, Amy and Lynsey and of course Amy Horne too – I reckon between the 3 of them, they could fill a whole photo album with the above mentioned shite.

So lets have it then – Baby and Horse photos mailed to me at the usual address for inclusion in the gallery of the year.  Use your imagination though – astound me, surprise me with your artistic content – although those comments do worry me with what I might receive from the Jelly and Custard stable – it could get messy.

What’s in store for the coming week?  Who knows.  I have just agreed to stay on past my 2 month probation period on board Timoneer. You can have a look at this old beauty at www.timoneer.org

So, Races next week I think and then the Newport Bucket is calling – much beyond that, we don’t really know where or what we will be doing.

I would like to leave you with a little thought for the evening (or Monday morning where you are ) – without exercise, my poos have turned from a huge mound of steaming organic waste to something that more resembles what next door’s cat might leave on your pebble driveway – does this mean I will be gaining weight at a couple of pounds a day ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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