Mokele Mbembe

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear November Archives, Happy Birthday to me

Whoop whoop whoop, yahoo, yay yay yay – whatever  (as I am currently in the states, all the whoops, yays and yahoos are mandatory), fist bump, high 5 – fuck yeah!!!  Goddamn .

It’s official – on May 8th (say that out-loud in your best Geordie accent!) The November Archives turned 9 years old and is now officially in its tenth year of publication, something of a milestone I think.  Put that into a different perspective, my little blog has been around longer than the iPhone and will no doubt still be going strong when the iPhone has gone the same way as that old dinosaur The blackberry.  If you need help in perfecting the ‘May the 8th’ in Geordie, may I offer three little words as practise – if you can master these three words, it is fair to say you are fluent in geordie – repeat out loud, or better still, to someone else in your house or work place, or just stand out on the street and bellow them at passers by




You are now fluent my friend – go forth and converse but be careful not to get ‘yer teeth kicked in man!’


Lots has changed since I first sat in the Bubble Lounge down in Sagres and penned my first blog entry.  The bubble lounge is no more, replaced suitably by Warung.  The iPhone was born and has also suffered 6 reincarnations since its birth.  The whole world has become a place where people right now and for generations to come, are developing spinal damage as they constantly stare at their smart phone screens.  People no longer go to concerts and watch the gig for themselves but seem to prefer to concentrate on holding the smart phone above their heads recording the whole thing, for what I can only assume is bragging rights – the right to say that you were there and prove it.  This alone makes me gasp in disbelief.  There was a saying I heard years ago about ‘Woodstock’ that went something like this ‘ If you can remember being there – then you weren’t really there!’  Whats more, can you imagine the pain of watching a music concert in its entirety on a phone ?  These observations were made only recently in my life as I watched many of the iTunes music festivals that are broadcast live on the WWW. A sea of fans illuminated by their screens.  Of course, there are concerts where hanging onto your phone would have been impossible too – The Offspring and Skunk Anansie are two that I remember partially.

Sound Garden, The Pixies, Katy Perry, Jessie J, Coldplay, NOCEREMONY/// have all been on iTunes for free.  Of course, I wanted to be there for myself but never won the tickets – Yes, I did apply for free tickets for a Katy Perry concert, but equally too, I tried for the Pixies.

Most recently of course, I finally decided to spend a chunk of money on a quality car rather than the 300 quid junkers that I normally favour. This has caused some concerns when choosing a suitable parking place as I try my best to keep the body panels straight and dent free.  I like the comfort but the worry keeps me awake at night.

Bringing you swiftly up to date, I am currently in Florida and next weekend will be setting sail for Rio de Janeiro in Brazil – a good two weeks of hard sailing lay ahead but man am I glad to be back on a sailing boat with their coffin sized beds and work spaces made for midgets – a great new adventure lays ahead and lets not forget, this will be my first time sailing across the equator.  Once I have crossed it, I will be able to watch the water go down the plug hole anti clockwise instead of clockwise.

I just bumped into a guy today that reminded me of Alex Faggotpants down in Kernow.  Some of you will remember Alex as my lodger from Benn Street but for those of you that don’t, look for an old programme on the tv called ‘The Brittas Empire’ and there, disguised as Chris Barry you will see Alex Faggotpants.  Faggot as he is more affectionately known by his closest Rugby chums, was a spitter for Gordon Brittas in looks and mannerisms so imagine my surprise today when I found another doppelgänger here in Fort Lauderdale.

At this point, some words of encouragement please – the missus is running a 20k next weekend, a quick hurrah for her, my sister is also clocking up the miles and Steve Brown has agreed to come and run the next Park Run ( so it will be a real gang bang for the next time I am in blighty, there will be me, Steve, Rue, Claire, Sis (still working on that one) and maybe even the missus if she doesn’t quit running the second she crosses the finish line.

For the more loyal readers amongst you, you may remember some years ago I ran a competition for the 20,000th reader to win a new 3 series BMW.  You may also remember an old flame of mine winning the competition but then being disqualified for making me change her name on the blog.  Well, Gary Lineke as I called her post op, won’t be running in this competition and I promise no more name changes ever but in an effort to break the 40,000 hits barrier before my 10th anniversary next year, I am offering 10 absolutely free T-shirts for the first 10 SUBSCRIBED users to leave a comment on THIS post suggesting why they deserve a T-shirt.  There is no catch other than you can only win 1 shirt per subscribed user – I say this because I fully expect Connor to leave 10 comments before anyone else even reads this, you can’t beg one for your significant other, they should subscribe too,  and yes, I fully expect Connor to get a shirt and the other 9 to remain in my wardrobe for the next 10 years.  They will be sent P&P free so even if you are all the way down there in S.A. over in Oz, NZ or the Nordics – you will get one.


All up to you – usual rules apply – I make them up as I go along.  Winners are required to send a selfie for posting on The November Archives of them wearing their shirts.






13 responses to “Mokele Mbembe

  • jellyandcustard

    Dear TheNovemberArchives,

    My sincerest and dearest apologies for not commenting, rating or thumbs-upping/downing. I really do have two valid excuses. No, the excuses are not that I am a returned colonial always bitching about the weather!

    I am most miffed that the competition is now closed. I have a fantastic t-shirt collection: Pee & Poo which has a yellow water droplet and a lovely-looking brown turd on it drawn with legs, arms and faces. A ‘non-athletic’, Fat Bastard – branded t-shirt and a Puma t-shirt with the puma lying on its back with the words ‘COMA’ instead of ‘PUMA’.

    Your t-shirt will be sorely absent from my collection. Conspicuously so.

    Yours disappointedly,


    • hairygoose

      Dear Connor

      Thank you for your recent email relating to the now closed November Archives competition. I am deeply sorry that you missed out on the free T Shirt simply by failing to reply to the story within a reasonable timeframe. As you might imagine, my heart was heavy with empathy for your plight and I actually cried real blood from my tear ducts.

      Frankly, I was appaulled that you let me down by not entering the competition but also not being the first as predicted.

      You may remember that the judges decision is always final and no negotiation will be entered into.

      With this in mind, I have placed an additional order for 1 extra ‘medium’ sized T shirt for your wearing pleasure. I fully expect something special from you for your entry into the winners photo album. I say special but I also meant publishable too – in order to receive your limited edition shirt, please forward your postal address once more to me at my private electronic mail account. Delivery is expected between 4-6 weeks.

      I now need to refer to the winners as something other than the ‘Magnificent 7’ as there are 8 of you

      Yours Sincerely

      Mr Hugh Jewilly
      C.E.O – The November Archives

  • Mush

    Avid reader to your lovely blog that makes me wet my pants laughing! 🙂 xxx

    • hairygoose

      Thanks Musher – you get one too – only three left, they are going like hot cakes, seems like the avid readers of my lovely luxury blog can’t get enough !!!

  • Neal

    As an avid “T” Shirt collector, you should be honoured to be a contributor to my collection, whilst i cant promise your contribution will be pride of place, i can promise it won’t be used to polish the my new BMW……… Congrats on the enduring and prolific writing…

  • Lynsey

    If I get one I promise not to cover it in horse shit, but to wear it with pride 😁

  • Rue

    I can’t guess wot you will be printing on this t shirt bell end !!! See you soon 🙂

  • locochef

    load of shite about the water, cock, looking forward to the tshirt…

  • V

    Happy Anniversary! That’s a very impressive milestone – Congratulations! Enjoy Rio de Janeiro!

    (This is not an official t-shirt contest entry – you would need to sew all ten of them together to fit over me and my 8 month bumpage!!)

  • Lana

    I only have 3 words…..wet t-shirt contest.

    • hairygoose

      Well done dear! You took me a little by surprise. The wet T-Shirt competition sounds like fun, especially as the first three entries are all female !!

      Hurry up Connor, dont let me down

Have a moan - the beers are on me !!

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