Alive and Kicking

There is much talk about weather on the ocean, wind strength, cloud cover, sea state – that sort of posh kid nonsense.

I have developed a much easier method, I am sure you will find easier to relate to. Please let me introduce you to The November Archives shipping forecast.

Level 1 – very pleasant, washing machines, dishwashers, toilets and showers can be used with little or no difficulty. Stand up peeing is easily sustainable with minimal risk of ‘lid slam’ on your bell end.

Level 2 – machinery can no longer be used. Crew are beginning to stagger as if a little drunk, stand up peeing is just maintainable provided you lean your head against the wall and hold the seat up with one hand. Showering is still available but not without adopting a light bracing position.

Level 3 – Getting tricky now – any chance of clean laundry has long gone. Toilets are now officially sit down only, be careful that the water in the toilet doesn’t wash across your sack with the swells. Holding on with one hand while perched is also the order of the day as heavy rolls have potential to kick you off the side of the potty

Level 4 – Seriously now, nothing but only essential toileting. One hand on the grab rail, the other unbuckling your belt and popping the button for your trousers. Let them fall to the floor and begin your cautious crouch. Be ready though, with waves like this, one good pitch and you are guaranteed to head butt the wall in front of you before your precious buttocks have made it to the porcelain polo seat

Level 5 – Stay at home! Waves like this, the only shitting will be done directly in your pants, ‘aint nothing going down the pan today.

We had level 3 between here and Florida, with one slight trip to a level 4 as I smashed my head on the downward crouch. Yesterday I dropped a log that was noticeably longer than my foot – Amazing !

Next leg starts tomorrow morning and will be 10 days down to the easterly tip of Brazil

 

Connor – still waiting for your address for your ‘judges decision is final’ T Shirt.

 

 


2 responses to “Alive and Kicking

  • Daveh

    Hi Wayne Large white envelope with handwritten address has arrived, Do you want it opening? D&J

  • Daveh

    Best wishes for good weather. All you need is a steady hand. Your car is now on our drive no charge their fault . love Mum & David

Have a moan - the beers are on me !!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: