Tag Archives: half marathon

Muffin the Mule

Has it really been so long?  18th October since I posted last!!

There is only so much ‘Judge Judy’ one man can take in a weekend.  To make matters worse, after the Judge comes Dog the Bounty Hunter and we have limited channels on board.

So I turned the TV off, grabbed a glass of Merlot out of the fridge and decided to have a quick waffle.

Work is finished for the day and I can’t remember the last time I had alcohol on a Saturday afternoon.  People will say that drinking alone is a sign of a drinking problem – poppycock I say – drinking alone when everyone else has pissed off can be complete bliss!

I also wondered the other day, about those old sayings that used to be around when I was a kid. For example, if you walked past a neighbours house and they were cleaning their windows, your mother would always say to the neighbour ‘you’ll make it rain’. Do people still do that or have the old traditions all completely died off?  Personally, I have never met anyone who has had their arm broken by a swan. And when the wind changed, my face has never stuck like that.

I have noticed this year though that suddenly, everything is getting a bit more physical and I am wondering if this is the first true sign of age creeping up on me.  You see, at the ripe old age of 46, sometimes I get worried that I might actually be slipping down the other side of the hill.  I do get confusing messages though.  they say certain parts of the body keep growing right up until death, like your ears and your nose but in general your body overall starts to shrink.  Now at my last medical almost two years ago, the Doctor listed me as 6’3” which was handy, an inch taller than the previous medical.  My next one is due in February so I will fond out more on that theory soon.  But still my ears grow, my nose sprouts and my penis remains the same !

Lets talk about running for a moment.  Last month, the Nice to Cannes Marathon came along the Promenade very close to the boat so I trotted off to watch the first finishers come across the line.  A little over two hours and some of them were done.  I watched one guy running at such a lean angle sloping forwards that I was sure he couldn’t sustain that angle and stay on his feet. He was exhausted and struggling to stay upright.  His lean was so far forward that it looked like his knuckles were almost dragging on the floor, he looked finished to me but less than half a mile from the finish line he was a determined old chap.  About 20 metres before he reached me he fell.  Almost flat on his face.  If he had gone face down, he would never have had the strength to lift an arm to try to break his fall. Luckily, the swagger in his stride made him slew slightly and he landed on his upper arm and shoulder – ironically on a pedestrian crossing.  Someone stepped out from the crowd to help him up and as they grabbed his left arm, he angrily pushed them away, undoubtedly swearing at them in french.  He climbed to his feet, I am sure with all kinds of hallucinations in his eyes, and started his final approach for the line.  Imagine walking in a strong wind, how far you have to lean into the wind to keep going – this guy was walking in a gale force 10.  I applauded and cheered as the old fella passed me and fuck me if I didn’t have a little tear in my eye for the old fella. Bloody amazing! He disappeared around the curve of the promenade – never fell over while I was watching him and I am certain as soon as he could see the line, his determination would have carried him over in a final flurry before falling into the arms of the medical teams just over the line.

I was hanging around to see people that were finishing in the three and a half to four hour category – I think this is where I would finish in a full marathon.  I wanted to see the physical size of people.  See, big guys like me shouldn’t be very fast over big distances and I was curious.  It was just after four hours before I started seeing finishers of my build.  The guy that had fallen, I would guess would be in my age group, maybe with another 5 years.  He was smaller than me, and leaner than me and although fully exhausted and falling over, he was within the three and a half hour mark easily – I doubt I would have been anywhere close.

As enjoyable as it is – running hurts. Non runners understand that but they never understand what pushes people on beyond the pain.  It hurts, and not just as you finish, but for days afterwards.  Last sunday, I left the boat at around 09:30 for my standard weekend half marathon distance.  I left the boat with gloves, light fleece, beanie, running tights and a T-shirt. Heading straight up the hill to the Observatory.  Its 5k to that point and ALL uphill to a height of approx 230 metres.  That’s running hard, heavy breathing long strides and beginning to get a good sweat on.  Before the top of the hill, I had my beanie and gloves off.  After the summit, the effort greatly reduces as I drop back down to sea level so the fleece came off too.  Quite a chilly morning so as you might expect, a bit nipply.  Better still, that chilled breeze on my chest where a big sweat patch has formed from the neck-band  almost down to my belly button. Now I have a wet shirt exposed to chilly air rubbing on erect nipples.

As I left Golfe Juan heading for home but still with a tad less than 6km to go, I became aware of just how sore my nipples were.  The first thought was ‘they will sting like hell when I get in the shower’ – I wasn’t wrong.  I pushed on though, out of the village and onward to Cannes, I could see two runners in the distance, a girl and a guy.  Even after all of that distance and with the impending nipple explosion, I started the chase.

I caught and passed the girl just inside the village limits of Cannes.  Initially I thought the pair were running together but no, the guy was a little further on but I was reeling him in too.  The last roundabout in the village and he turned off before I could pass him – personally I think he was scared that I was about to overtake him and took the easier option, the modern-day equivalent of falling on your sword – turned down a dead-end road !

Now I was right – the shower was a welcome thing except for the severe stinging as the water splashed over my nipples.  Even on Monday, the shower still hurt.  I did buy some plasters on Monday afternoon just to keep them covered while I did other exercises during the week.  By Wednesday, my nipples had all scabbed up – not a pretty sight.  On Thursday, I decided to pull the scabs off.  Some people pay good money for that kind of pain and here was I getting it for free. To my amazement, the scabs came off cleanly and quite pain-free but I have to say I have never, ever seen nipples bleed like that !

Year 46 – last week I took 2 minutes out of my 10k Observatory run.  5k up that big hill and back down again came and went in under 52 minutes.  It means nothing to many of you but when I first paced out that route, it was taking me just over an hour.  Dont get me wrong, any normal 10k race can be dispensed in under 48 minutes but they don’t have the hills that this one has.

So there – more waffle than anticipated.  Next I want to continue on the poo theme. Yep sure, we all do it, I have a photo gallery here on this site of poops of all shapes and sizes.  Earlier this week, me ol’e mukka Conor sent me a little piece of information that I feel compelled to share with you

types of poo


Christmas is almost here and I haven’t heard Slade once, heard anyone singing carols, seen any christmas lights or eaten a single mince pie.

Sarcasm – The lowest form of wit ??

I don’t think so – plagiarism, that’s it for me – so here’s a joke I plagiarised from my most avid follower Connor

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as: ‘Muslim Weather’.

(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi’ite).


There – it made me chuckle too.  Not as much as when I sneezed on my cock the other day.  I found that funny because I knew immediately after having done it – I would have to tell you all about it.

I was dropping the mother load at Mason’s apartment the other night when I got one of  those hay fever sneezes starting to load up in my sinuses.  I resisted and resisted up to the point that I realised resistance was indeed futile and then I let it go.  Unfortunately, in the process of letting it go, I rocked backwards on the toilet, fully exposing my tackle at the precise moment of spraying my sneeze everywhere.

This mornings half marathon had me all excited – aiming for a time of under two hours I headed out at 6am along the seafront here in Mallorca in a new pair of Asics after the last pair caused me some pain.  Getting close to the end of the run, maybe 100 metres from the finish, I pulled my phone out ready to stop the runkeeper only to see 1:59:50 on the screen.  Initially I was elated because I was so very close to breaking my 2 hour target, but then I realised I was another 30 seconds or so away from the finish line.  I crossed in 2:00:38 – just 38 seconds outside my half marathon target time – or so I thought.  I was annoyed with myself a little bit, there had been a few times on the run where my concentration had wandered and I had slowed – if I had just kept my concentration good, I would have been under the 2 hour milestone.

But then it hit me – I am actually running 21.86km instead of 21km with an average of 5:31 per km, take that extra 0.86km out and I reckon I am at 1:55:00 easily. So I was overjoyed – but it didn’t last!

See, the race that I am aiming for isn’t until September so I think I am going to have to change my target time as I am already achieving it so without further ado, I do declare a new target time for me to finish the Great North Run 2015 of 1:45:00 or less.

I have a plan.  A rocking playlist to help me along but at 1:45:00 Rihanna will come on – If I hear ‘shine bright like a diamond’ I will know I have failed.  Maybe you can all help me with a suggestion for some inspiring and upbeat tunes for the run so that I can start compiling the playlist??  Send your suggestions via the comments here or directly to me via email.

Prizes for the most inspiring tunes

Congratulations to Steve & Nic for their new house – I think Steve is allowed his own playroom now!

Steves playroom



Looks like I might finally get some time off by the end of the month – maybe even a brief visit to Portugal while I am at this end of Europe.

Big shout out to Mr & Mrs Cooper – Come on Down!

I think that’s it for now, watch this space for something exciting coming soon – I promise.


Turd photos more than welcome

Norma Snockers & Hugh Jewilly

It’s almost time to depart for Brazil but before I go, it wouldn’t be right to leave without a little rant now would it?

Yesterday, while hunting down cheap sunnies in the local ‘mall’ (that’s shopping centre to us native English speakers) I saw something very strange – sand!  Beach sand for sale in a tub. Not just the tubs, there was also a stand outside of the shop with a sign suggesting that you touch it.  Sand for fucks sake, for sale in a shopping centre that.  The only way this situation could get any worse was for an Arab to walk in and buy it all.

Competition winners – from South Africa all the way up the estuary to Bristol.  7 lucky winners will soon be receiving a very limited edition (I am only buying 7) November Archives T-shirt.  The Magnificent 7 are

Lexa T – South Africa

Lana B  – Belgium

Verity S  – Staffs, UK

Lynsey C  – Warks, UK

Rue Y – Warks, UK

Neal W – Warks, UK

Musher G  – Bristol

If you haven’t already given me your address, please let me have it.  T shirts will be dispatched in 28 days.  Wear them with pride and remember the selfie rule for competition entry – all selfies should clearly show the front design and if you are feeling arty, maybe you could show us all a couple of photos of you in full flow wearing your special edition shirts.

Competition is now closed – no further correspondence will be entered into.

Now, back on terra firma – some running milestones this week.  On friday night I decided to run my first half marathon stopping only to drop a log and also to wait for one of the draw bridges to close as some ships passed.  The Missus has also bagged her first 20k run in a hugely respectable 2hrs 23m.  The only time you  normally would see americans run so far and fast is when there is a BOGOF offer at McDonald’s or Lance Armstrong hears there is a sale on at his local Pharmacy. She is 5 years the european now and slowly converting to the correct way of doing things – we just need to work on some spelling and pronunciation issues and all will be peachy !

That’s all for now – my next post (conditions permitting) will be from somewhere in the Caribbean Sea  –  that beats any office job that I know of.



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