Tag Archives: range rover

And as quick as a flash

It was gone – 5 weeks of holiday disappeared in the blink of an eye.  In my terms, an unproductive month to say the least – or was it ….?

I was a little miffed that I didn’t get to see my old mucker and avid reader Conor over in Northampton, but I did get to catch up with some other good old buggers so it wasn’t a complete write off. I really wanted to have a rip in his bug but will have to be next time now.

I am in the luxury of an Ibis Budget hotel at Birmingham airport with a pint of John Smith’s Smooth, reminiscing over the last month or so.  I must confess that I thought maybe I had gone the whole month without writing a page here but then I saw the last post which was most definitely this month with the knee photos and the killer Courtney Love vid.

Glad to say that the knee is making a great recovery now and better still, the doc and the physio think I could be running again in 3 months – that would be absofuckinglutely fabulous – I miss running.  My waistline does too  – without those extra calorie burns, I am a good 7kgs too heavy – that’s a stone and a little bit to you old timers!

Now, I did have the absolute pleasure of meeting a very tasty young lady while I was off.  See, when you get to my age, it’s all MILF’s and GILF’s – I am very VERY pleased to say I have encountered my very first GILF and thoroughly enjoying it!  I am also hoping it will be my only GILF encounter if you fully understand what I mean.  Can’t tell you too much right now but as things unravel, I will share more.  Needless to say she is smoking hot and has my fullest attention.

Moving on from nurses, let’s talk about eBay for a moment.  You may remember me putting my beloved Range Rover up for sale.  Inevitably I got the usual spaztards with the ’10 grand cash by the weekend’ bollocks – I don’t play well with spaztards if I am honest – so imagine this – some complete wanker messages me simply saying ‘£8000?’  That was it – his whole complete message.

Naturally I had an epiphany and responded exactly as such an insult deserved.  Screen dump below – read it from the bottom up – he even had the audacity to call me a gentleman afterwards – the prick !

 

I think you might call that ‘not suffering fools gladly’ ??

So tomorrow morning I start the long hard slog back to Thailand.  I still have no idea where I will meet the boat but will rest easy in the first class section of both legs of the flight – actually, come to think of it, I still need to find a hotel for Tuesday night.

A couple of days in Thailand and then we head to Singapore.  It’s all new to me but there is one thing I am extremely mindful of.  There is a section of the trip that runs through the Straights of Malacca – now apparently this is rife with piracy so please keep an eye on the news to see if we make it safely through.  If you hear about some mad English fool that used a home made flame thrower to fight off a pirate attack – that will most definitely be me!  If I don’t make it out alive – don’t send flowers but do drink a Belgian beer or two!

After surviving Singapore for a couple of months, we sail for Bali – Are you at all jealous yet ?

Special thanks to those who came out to the Merchants Inn on Friday night – it was good to see each and every one of you.  Thanks for the beer and the hang over that followed.


Tinder Ladies

Don’t confuse that headline with ‘Dinner Ladies’ they are two very different beasts.  Now, I am sure that there are some very nice ladies using the Tinder dating app, very nice.  There also seem to be a bunch of dick heads or, I guess to call them the female equivalent ‘ muff heads’.

It’s a mine field full of shaggers, liars, wasters, losers, drop outs, bounders and cads but sometimes ladies, you have to help yourself a little.  I happened across this young lady earlier, and I have to say, she is not selling herself very well.

 

She went on to waffle a bit but being honest with you, I got bored and clicked that little red X button on the left hand side – or to give it its corrected name – I swiped Left !  This is one of the more blatant abuses but there are plenty of others.  Many Tinder ladies claim to not be looking for ‘hook ups’ or ‘ONS’  (that’s ‘one night stands’ to you and me) but have posted photos of them half naked, some even more naked , photos, or others of them seductively laying in bed.  Call me old fashioned but that is only going to attract the bounders and cads surely.

What really makes me laugh is the amount of contortion a woman is prepared to undertake to get that perfect selfie.  I have never seen women physically twist out of shape so much – it is absurd.  Better still when they are taking the photo in the mirror of a bathroom in the establishment they are in, with a line of crappers in full view behind them – classy ladies!

Then there’s the trout pout – this I really don’t get.  I don’t find it attractive and every man I have spoken to agrees with me, so why do it ? You look stupid !

 

Enough about bitches and Ho’s – lets talk about me for a moment.  Two things, a right knee repair and an O/S repair.  The first being an old injury from mountain running last year finally fixed.  A little trip to the private ward yesterday and a few hours later, i was out of the door, initially on crutches by glad to say by last night, the crutches were no longer needed.  Some keyhole surgery and all is good I think

More photos when the dressing comes off in 6 days

 

The second part of my story is about my beautiful Range Rover.  Many of my followers and friends will know about the love I have for this motor car.

Sadly and stupidly, I managed to scrape it along a telegraph pole while parking in Newbold upon Avon a couple of nights ago.  Initially it looked bad but I managed to polish off most of the marks to leave two dents, one on the rear door and one on the rear arch.  Lucky for me I have a Dave Singh in my arsenal.  I dropped the car there on Monday and he will do a jolly fine job of it for me

 

Not pretty, and I felt like a real arse.

 

I did take some comfort in the fact that I massively excelled at mother’s day this year.  Primarily because I was here for the first time in many years but also because I pride myself in looking for alternatives to the usual chocolate and flowers. Previous years saw a 4 pack of Heinz Baked Beans.  Yes, I bemoaned the unprepared in Sainsburys while I was there having lunch, with their limp, late offerings of flowers – because I had gone off the scale this year.  A couple of bird houses to be fixed in the bushes at the bottom of mum’s garden and a pack of giant outdoor chalks so that she can draw on the patio while bird watching – I thought it was an awesome set of presents.  The girl who sold the chalks to me looked a bit confused when I said they were for my mum.

 

 

But what really made it special was the card I happened to find – it seemed very apt!

 

 

 

So now the Rangie is in the repair shop, I decided to try to sell it again.  Now I am after a 500hp supercharged V8 so that next time I hit that telegraph pole, I can knock the fucker clean out the ground.

If you know anyone looking for a very well cared for RRS – look no further

A very Beautiful Car

 

Anyway, I am back off to Tinder to look for more silly women but let me leave you with a very clever thought that I have just found under a Pot Noodle lid (it’s not a faffy food)

 

If at first you don’t succeed – Sky Diving is not for you

 

 

Planning a beer on 21st April – watch this space

 

 

 


Dem black girls, dey like my little ting ting

Firmly stuck in the 90’s I am very pleased to say.  Hit the dizzying heights of 90.8 kgs today after what felt like at best, a mediocre week of concentrating on my food intake.  Of course, I managed all of my interval training and have completed the first month of it now.  I was happily amused to see those figures when I stared down towards my feet, held my huge penis over to one side, and then I could see the digits on display.

I would at this stage like to thank AC/DC (both Brian and Bon), The Prodigy, Sister bliss and one particular track by Annie Lennox that had me bounding like a gazelle up hill on the homeward stretch – the song ‘keep young and beautiful’ had such apt lyrics and a perfect upbeat rhythm to get me up that hill.   Music can make a run much more fun.  The Prodigy or Distillers when you really want your heart pounding on the inside of your rib cage trying to get out.  AC/DC if you want to run with a smile on your face because of the lyrics or an old old classic by Faithless – Reverence (kiss me neck) – that song just blew my mind on the way back from the catamaran club the other week.  I couldn’t get my ear buds far enough in my ears for that one.

As a non believer in all this app nonsense, I am converted.  The interval training has made me a stronger runner in the space of a month, I can feel the difference. The hills here are very hard work but it is all paying off.  I have also been playing squash again, and as yet, I am unbeaten.  In fact, I am yet to loose a single game, let alone a match.  This is, as most squash players will know, in part due to my skill level but also having a fitness level above any of my opponents.  I even played a game last night were two of my opponents came on the court together to play against me.  I was 4-1 up when the lights went out.

Fit as a butchers dog !

The big black momma that works on the security gate here is a funny old bird.  I always have a smile and a few words for her when I pass in the car.  She has also taken to lifting the barrier for me when I am cycling too.  The other day, she was busy chatting with one of her friends when I approached. In line with european law (yawn) I have a bell, I gave it a little ring and she jumped to open the gate for me.  Her friend was highly amused saying in her best Caribbean accent – ‘he got a little ting ting’.  It was like having the Lilt ladies in real life.  They got all giggly on me after that – I wonder why ?

Things are looking up on the generator front too – but I am reluctant to speak too soon.

Holidays are nearly upon me – jetting off to Europe next week. My wonderful woman has also arranged an xbox games night for me when I am back in Brussels – that’s not a bad deal! I might even ask her to drop me off in the middle of the forest with my running shoes, a map and a compass and see if I can beat her home.  I also finally get my hands on that Range Rover that I have owned for over a month now.

I have to work tomorrow (Saturday) but a small price to pay for having the rest of the month off – will also give me time to get tidy again and get everything up to full speed before my relief cover arrives on Sunday afternoon.  If I am lucky, I will get my last dive on Sunday.  I may get a chance in St Lucia but I am not holding my breath (no pun intended).

If you are one of the chosen few who are joining me for a beer on the 16th – I will see you there.  If you are missing out, shame on you.

A few hello’s – Max, where are you ? Musher down there in Bristol (said that with a west country accent), Connor – for constantly amusing me with emails, sometimes even arousing me with them. Stevie B – you can have the Rangie when I get eaten by a shark.  I have been wondering lately what happened to Karen Thornham down under in Oz , Lexa in South Africa, Verity McCoy and of course the bird patiently waiting in Brussels

And a special mention to the Cooper sisters and Monica ca ca ca ca


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