Tag Archives: MILF

And as quick as a flash

It was gone – 5 weeks of holiday disappeared in the blink of an eye.  In my terms, an unproductive month to say the least – or was it ….?

I was a little miffed that I didn’t get to see my old mucker and avid reader Conor over in Northampton, but I did get to catch up with some other good old buggers so it wasn’t a complete write off. I really wanted to have a rip in his bug but will have to be next time now.

I am in the luxury of an Ibis Budget hotel at Birmingham airport with a pint of John Smith’s Smooth, reminiscing over the last month or so.  I must confess that I thought maybe I had gone the whole month without writing a page here but then I saw the last post which was most definitely this month with the knee photos and the killer Courtney Love vid.

Glad to say that the knee is making a great recovery now and better still, the doc and the physio think I could be running again in 3 months – that would be absofuckinglutely fabulous – I miss running.  My waistline does too  – without those extra calorie burns, I am a good 7kgs too heavy – that’s a stone and a little bit to you old timers!

Now, I did have the absolute pleasure of meeting a very tasty young lady while I was off.  See, when you get to my age, it’s all MILF’s and GILF’s – I am very VERY pleased to say I have encountered my very first GILF and thoroughly enjoying it!  I am also hoping it will be my only GILF encounter if you fully understand what I mean.  Can’t tell you too much right now but as things unravel, I will share more.  Needless to say she is smoking hot and has my fullest attention.

Moving on from nurses, let’s talk about eBay for a moment.  You may remember me putting my beloved Range Rover up for sale.  Inevitably I got the usual spaztards with the ’10 grand cash by the weekend’ bollocks – I don’t play well with spaztards if I am honest – so imagine this – some complete wanker messages me simply saying ‘£8000?’  That was it – his whole complete message.

Naturally I had an epiphany and responded exactly as such an insult deserved.  Screen dump below – read it from the bottom up – he even had the audacity to call me a gentleman afterwards – the prick !

 

I think you might call that ‘not suffering fools gladly’ ??

So tomorrow morning I start the long hard slog back to Thailand.  I still have no idea where I will meet the boat but will rest easy in the first class section of both legs of the flight – actually, come to think of it, I still need to find a hotel for Tuesday night.

A couple of days in Thailand and then we head to Singapore.  It’s all new to me but there is one thing I am extremely mindful of.  There is a section of the trip that runs through the Straights of Malacca – now apparently this is rife with piracy so please keep an eye on the news to see if we make it safely through.  If you hear about some mad English fool that used a home made flame thrower to fight off a pirate attack – that will most definitely be me!  If I don’t make it out alive – don’t send flowers but do drink a Belgian beer or two!

After surviving Singapore for a couple of months, we sail for Bali – Are you at all jealous yet ?

Special thanks to those who came out to the Merchants Inn on Friday night – it was good to see each and every one of you.  Thanks for the beer and the hang over that followed.


Mucky Twat!

First lets start off with a running fuck slap on all of those Estate Agents out there – lets face it, they just deserve it if for no other reason than they are a lazy bunch of bastards.  Think I am wrong? well, today I made 4 phone calls and 1 email to get through to someone about arranging a viewing on one of their properties.  Best of it all, when you phone up, the options menu greets you, press 1 for lettings blah blah blah, then the next option menu appears, press 2 for viewings, then leave a message on their voice mail because they don’t start work until 10am or are just too busy knocking one out in the toilet.  If you have ever been into Horts Estate Agents in Rugby, you, like me, would appreciate that  you could very easily gob a very sticky greenie from one end of the office to the other and there are never more than 5 people in there so why can’t they just pick up each others phones ? Fucking amazing the lack of service that we accept these days and the amount of complete and utter fuckwits that deliver that lack of service.

Last week I went to a viewing and the fella turned up with the wrong keys !

Anyway, on a lighter note, I had a group iMessage session today with Steve and Rue.  Reading it back afterwards, I suddenly realised what a complete load of bollocks we had been speaking.  It was so far out there that I want to share it with you. So here we go

me – diesel has gone up 8 cents a litre

Rue – Time to fill up save me some !!

Steve – Yep, up to $58 a barrel from 45 – quick to raise prices aren’t they

me – And not so quick to drop them I suspect

Rue – Fuck I just up my prices down yesterday !!

me – Getting back from the store with a fresh loaf only to find you have no butter in the fridge – priceless

Steve – Up my prices down ?  Are you Welsh?

Steve – Who’s coat is this jacket

me – He’s from the Valleys you know

Rue – Rather be called a cunt than Welsh!!

me – How about a Welsh cunt for real effect?

Steve –   🙂

me – Or grumpy cunt

me – ah no – that’s what we call you already

me – How about gummy

Steve – Estate Agent round tonight to value the house

me – I was once referred to as ‘boat boy’ by the 15 year old daughter of a milf I was shagging

me – Do I get first refusal

Rue – Butter is the devils spunk (statement issued by the sunflower spread makers)

Steve – What of ? The mild?

Steve – Milf

Rue – I would rather be grumpy than moving like you too!

me – you are grumpy and we are moving

me – but you are a grumpy twat and that is where the difference lies

Rue – long as I’m not Welsh

Steve – I heard a story, put butter and margarine outside and the flies only land on the butter!

me – Oh fuck, I left a tea bag stewing while I came downstairs for a shit, that will be munted by the time I finish wiping

Rue – Shit one !

Steve – Sometimes it’s quicker to shower

me – I hate wasting pyramid bags

Rue – They’re not for wiping your bum with !

Steve – Ha

me – Stop interrupting me on my wipe cycle

Steve – Dare you to re-use the tea bag after the wipe cycle,  your weird

me – any more interruptions during wiping and I will be forced to turn on facetime

Steve – Ha Ha thank god for the 3GS

me – OK, fresh tea in hand, another tea bag sacrificed

 

So there you have it, general opinion is that girls talk about everything but now confirmed is that boys talk absolute bollocks.

I don’t have anything else to share with you at this moment in time other than a couple of thought for the moment – Being middle aged is not so bad – it is perfectly acceptable to be chasing Gilfs as well as Milfs – Age is just a number!  Alternatively, after watching a big black bird landing on what was a reasonably thin branch the other day, I was left wondering how a bird knows a branch will hold its weight when it lands on it – they must be very successful at gauging this as I have never witnessed a bird/branch fatality, much like I have never seen a swan break someones arm.  Just one of life’s little mysteries.

 

Happy Birthday Bradley

 

!


News from the Future

UK HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2060

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK ‘s third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being ‘different’……. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness.  Professor Goldman of LUPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain ‘s deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time.
Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country comes forward.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £19 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Conservative Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford Muslim City win FA Cup Final, beating Halifax Hindu Hornets 4-1.

On a lighter note.  During one of my many beer fuelled discussions over the weekend, we got talking about MILF’s and GILF’s before the conversation turned to every letter in the alphabet and what that could mean – when was the last time you heard a woman use the term DILF?  We got stuck on a few though – particularly X and Z. I am of course open to suggestions but xylophone and zebra will not cut the mustard so please don’t try.

Shame on those that never made it – especially the Cooper sisters – tutt tutt !


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