News from the Future

UK HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2060

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK ‘s third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being ‘different’……. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness.  Professor Goldman of LUPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain ‘s deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time.
Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country comes forward.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £19 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Conservative Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford Muslim City win FA Cup Final, beating Halifax Hindu Hornets 4-1.

On a lighter note.  During one of my many beer fuelled discussions over the weekend, we got talking about MILF’s and GILF’s before the conversation turned to every letter in the alphabet and what that could mean – when was the last time you heard a woman use the term DILF?  We got stuck on a few though – particularly X and Z. I am of course open to suggestions but xylophone and zebra will not cut the mustard so please don’t try.

Shame on those that never made it – especially the Cooper sisters – tutt tutt !