Tag Archives: range rover sport

And as quick as a flash

It was gone – 5 weeks of holiday disappeared in the blink of an eye.  In my terms, an unproductive month to say the least – or was it ….?

I was a little miffed that I didn’t get to see my old mucker and avid reader Conor over in Northampton, but I did get to catch up with some other good old buggers so it wasn’t a complete write off. I really wanted to have a rip in his bug but will have to be next time now.

I am in the luxury of an Ibis Budget hotel at Birmingham airport with a pint of John Smith’s Smooth, reminiscing over the last month or so.  I must confess that I thought maybe I had gone the whole month without writing a page here but then I saw the last post which was most definitely this month with the knee photos and the killer Courtney Love vid.

Glad to say that the knee is making a great recovery now and better still, the doc and the physio think I could be running again in 3 months – that would be absofuckinglutely fabulous – I miss running.  My waistline does too  – without those extra calorie burns, I am a good 7kgs too heavy – that’s a stone and a little bit to you old timers!

Now, I did have the absolute pleasure of meeting a very tasty young lady while I was off.  See, when you get to my age, it’s all MILF’s and GILF’s – I am very VERY pleased to say I have encountered my very first GILF and thoroughly enjoying it!  I am also hoping it will be my only GILF encounter if you fully understand what I mean.  Can’t tell you too much right now but as things unravel, I will share more.  Needless to say she is smoking hot and has my fullest attention.

Moving on from nurses, let’s talk about eBay for a moment.  You may remember me putting my beloved Range Rover up for sale.  Inevitably I got the usual spaztards with the ’10 grand cash by the weekend’ bollocks – I don’t play well with spaztards if I am honest – so imagine this – some complete wanker messages me simply saying ‘£8000?’  That was it – his whole complete message.

Naturally I had an epiphany and responded exactly as such an insult deserved.  Screen dump below – read it from the bottom up – he even had the audacity to call me a gentleman afterwards – the prick !

 

I think you might call that ‘not suffering fools gladly’ ??

So tomorrow morning I start the long hard slog back to Thailand.  I still have no idea where I will meet the boat but will rest easy in the first class section of both legs of the flight – actually, come to think of it, I still need to find a hotel for Tuesday night.

A couple of days in Thailand and then we head to Singapore.  It’s all new to me but there is one thing I am extremely mindful of.  There is a section of the trip that runs through the Straights of Malacca – now apparently this is rife with piracy so please keep an eye on the news to see if we make it safely through.  If you hear about some mad English fool that used a home made flame thrower to fight off a pirate attack – that will most definitely be me!  If I don’t make it out alive – don’t send flowers but do drink a Belgian beer or two!

After surviving Singapore for a couple of months, we sail for Bali – Are you at all jealous yet ?

Special thanks to those who came out to the Merchants Inn on Friday night – it was good to see each and every one of you.  Thanks for the beer and the hang over that followed.


Tinder Ladies

Don’t confuse that headline with ‘Dinner Ladies’ they are two very different beasts.  Now, I am sure that there are some very nice ladies using the Tinder dating app, very nice.  There also seem to be a bunch of dick heads or, I guess to call them the female equivalent ‘ muff heads’.

It’s a mine field full of shaggers, liars, wasters, losers, drop outs, bounders and cads but sometimes ladies, you have to help yourself a little.  I happened across this young lady earlier, and I have to say, she is not selling herself very well.

 

She went on to waffle a bit but being honest with you, I got bored and clicked that little red X button on the left hand side – or to give it its corrected name – I swiped Left !  This is one of the more blatant abuses but there are plenty of others.  Many Tinder ladies claim to not be looking for ‘hook ups’ or ‘ONS’  (that’s ‘one night stands’ to you and me) but have posted photos of them half naked, some even more naked , photos, or others of them seductively laying in bed.  Call me old fashioned but that is only going to attract the bounders and cads surely.

What really makes me laugh is the amount of contortion a woman is prepared to undertake to get that perfect selfie.  I have never seen women physically twist out of shape so much – it is absurd.  Better still when they are taking the photo in the mirror of a bathroom in the establishment they are in, with a line of crappers in full view behind them – classy ladies!

Then there’s the trout pout – this I really don’t get.  I don’t find it attractive and every man I have spoken to agrees with me, so why do it ? You look stupid !

 

Enough about bitches and Ho’s – lets talk about me for a moment.  Two things, a right knee repair and an O/S repair.  The first being an old injury from mountain running last year finally fixed.  A little trip to the private ward yesterday and a few hours later, i was out of the door, initially on crutches by glad to say by last night, the crutches were no longer needed.  Some keyhole surgery and all is good I think

More photos when the dressing comes off in 6 days

 

The second part of my story is about my beautiful Range Rover.  Many of my followers and friends will know about the love I have for this motor car.

Sadly and stupidly, I managed to scrape it along a telegraph pole while parking in Newbold upon Avon a couple of nights ago.  Initially it looked bad but I managed to polish off most of the marks to leave two dents, one on the rear door and one on the rear arch.  Lucky for me I have a Dave Singh in my arsenal.  I dropped the car there on Monday and he will do a jolly fine job of it for me

 

Not pretty, and I felt like a real arse.

 

I did take some comfort in the fact that I massively excelled at mother’s day this year.  Primarily because I was here for the first time in many years but also because I pride myself in looking for alternatives to the usual chocolate and flowers. Previous years saw a 4 pack of Heinz Baked Beans.  Yes, I bemoaned the unprepared in Sainsburys while I was there having lunch, with their limp, late offerings of flowers – because I had gone off the scale this year.  A couple of bird houses to be fixed in the bushes at the bottom of mum’s garden and a pack of giant outdoor chalks so that she can draw on the patio while bird watching – I thought it was an awesome set of presents.  The girl who sold the chalks to me looked a bit confused when I said they were for my mum.

 

 

But what really made it special was the card I happened to find – it seemed very apt!

 

 

 

So now the Rangie is in the repair shop, I decided to try to sell it again.  Now I am after a 500hp supercharged V8 so that next time I hit that telegraph pole, I can knock the fucker clean out the ground.

If you know anyone looking for a very well cared for RRS – look no further

A very Beautiful Car

 

Anyway, I am back off to Tinder to look for more silly women but let me leave you with a very clever thought that I have just found under a Pot Noodle lid (it’s not a faffy food)

 

If at first you don’t succeed – Sky Diving is not for you

 

 

Planning a beer on 21st April – watch this space

 

 

 


Positive Mental Attitude

Don’t worry, I haven’t ben affected by one of those ‘life coaches’ or anything else pathetic like that but i have decided to perk myself up a little.  Lots going on at the moment and add to that a job that is getting a little long in the tooth and I have to say I have become way too grumpy for my own good, so I have decided to pick myself up every morning with a few american style ‘whoos’ at good volume, followed by the words ‘P-M-A dude’ and the occasional ‘fuck yeah’ to finish it off.

It makes me smile but annoys the shit out of those around me.  I even find myself saying it in the car when confronted with the local spanish fuckwits.  It works too – try it for yourself next time you want to rage at someone.

 

I have a few photos to share with you while I am PMA’ing.  Been flying an awful lot this last month.  I have sampled the delights of both Monarch Airlines and also the tedium of Ryanair.  Now Monarch, I really like.  The prices are not mental, their planes in good nick and their staff are always really good.  I was a bit miffed though the other week when crossing the Alps and the co-pilot came out of the cockpit to use the toilet.  Remember that German Wings flight that plunged into the Alps the other year?  Well, I thought that since then, all airlines had adopted a policy of always two people in the cockpit. Not Monarch it would seem.  As their customer service kindly pointed out to me in an email – the two at all times policy was a recommendation and not  law so they weren’t doing it.  So I switched to Ryanair.  A little cheaper, a little less classy and a little less on time.  Both of last weeks flights were at least an hour late, the return leg getting to an hour and a half behind.

I am a firm subscriber to the notion of ‘better late than never’ when flying.  Ryanair play that shite little fanfare when they land on time or ahead of schedule – you may have noticed.  What you also may have noticed is that they also publish longer flight times than their rivals for identical flights – sneaky feckers aren’t they?

So this time – no fanfare, praise the lord but as you can see below, a late departure and then to add insult to injury, we get overtaken by an Easyjet plane – damn Ryanair you tight fuckers, burn some extra fuel and catch up some of the time you lost!

IMG_0491

 

Now, all said and done, lets talk about Range Rover Sport and the Land Rover Dealer network.  Been a thorn in my side for a while now, whenever I take my car to the dealer, it costs a grand.  Never more, never less, always a fecking grand.  I called them last week to make a booking to have some work done.  One of the things I asked them to do was tell me how much a new key would be.  One of my keys is worn badly on the unlock button.  So bad the casing has cracked and is exposing the electronics to the atmosphere.  I asked for a price and the rather smug fucker at the dealer said, ……wait for it……….£250 – I was gob smacked.

£250 for a key – get lost !.  I scoured eBay and found a new shell.  All I had to do was cut the old unit apart, remove the electronics and fit them inside the new key – easy !!!IMG_0499

 

Damn right it was easy – for a first timer, it took me about 20 minutes.  Comparing the two keys (genuine and aftermarket) it is hard to see the difference, in fact, I think the new one is better

IMG_0500

And here’s the best bit – not £250 like the Dick Turpin dealer wanted, no.  A modest £5.95 delivered from eBay.  Yes, not a typo, five pounds and ninety five pence, delivered in two days flat – job done

My Range Rover is ace – the dealer network is just shite.

 

Now tonight, I would like to end with a little bit of nostalgia.  Some of you may be familiar with a spectacularly good program called ‘Modern Family’. It’s ace isn’t it ?  One of the main characters on that program is a guy I know better as Al Bundy from Married with Children ( also showing the extremely hot young Christina Applegate).  A superb comedy from a time before the politically correct brigade gained some seats in the Houses of Parliament. Anyway, tonight I found a montage of Al Bundys best insults and it actually made me LOL so I thought I should share.  I genuinely did LOL too, I am not just typing that for effect – I LOL’d and you will too, I promise

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/al-bundys-best-insults/84992638/


Cheeky eBay Bar Stewards

Woe is the generation that believes all that their computer screen puts in front of them.  From social media outlets to the ‘wonderful for stupid people’ eBay.

Last month I tried to sell my Range Rover on eBay.  Unfortunately it didn’t sell.  It did however, attract a lot of wankers.  You know the type – ‘I will give you 10 grand cash by saturday’ or ‘will you take my pikey mobile in part exchange’.  How these feckless idiots actually manage to navigate their way through life baffles me, but then eBay took one step closer to the crown of ‘Wankers of the Universe’  by sending me a mail suggesting I relist it with a 99p start price.  Can you imagine the fucktards that would crawl out of the woodwork for that one?

They also sent me some examples of ‘similar’ cars that had started as a 99p sale and also listed what they actually sold for as an example to tempt me in deeper to their dark web of deceit.  I very quickly took a screen dump of their clever marketing strategy – see how long it takes for you to spot the problem (if it takes you longer than 3 seconds, I recommend you stay far far away from internet sites that can take your money).

 

 

IMG_0464

 

 

Spotted it?  I hope you did, and instantly too.

Actually, thinking about it, selling the same car twice could double my money and potentially mean my next car is ‘for free’.

 

 

On a lighter note, I got my race number for the upcoming Great North Run (Yes Susan, I am talking about running again).  The race takes place on Sunday 13th September and will be live on the BBC.  if you see someone running that looks like me, wearing the number below – there is a very good chance it might be me.  Please therefore wave at your TV screen.

 

IMG_0483

 

 

If my timing is a little out and you see me squatting at the side of the road squeezing one out – DIVERT YOUR EYES!!!!!!

 

 

And Finally

Did you ever make a mistake that pays off?  Last week, I emailed the captain of my current boat asking for a reference as I have found another project of interest.  I accidentally sent the request to the vessel manager rather than the current Captain.

Normally this would have been a disastrous faux pas but in my case, it may have actually done a whole heap of good.  I had been trying to get a committment out of the manager for some time as to how much longer my contract might run – he had never responded but the slip of an email suggesting I might not return to them at the end of the month had him on the phone within 48 hours offering things like a ‘sale’ retainer.  If I stay on and the boat is sold from underneath me, I would get a 3 month salary bonus on top of everything else.  The conversation ended with him asking me to consider what I want to stay on until the end……………………now, what shall I do?


Where Eagles Dare – Breaking records, not Bones

I hoped to be bringing you news of a new speed record today but alas (poor Yorick) I failed miserably.  Maybe my record of 44mph over in the States last year will never be beat – in fact it is quite possible as we all know, America is the worlds best at everything.

Yesterday I went on a recce in the Sport.  I have been riding the ridges and valleys in and around Genoa since I got here, looking for something interesting to blitz.  So far, I have found little of interest.  Despite the terrain, the Italians have failed to grasp the potential of the great outdoors with one exception that I found last week, a ‘not very challenging’ ridge ride and drop into the valley. If they weren’t so busy baking bread and eating ice cream they would realise how much potential the hills surrounding Genoa have for outdoor adventure types like me and you.  If nothing else, the extra tourism would increase the sales of ice cream.

Last week, looking across the valley to the next peak, I noticed the scar of a road winding its way up the side of the mountain until it disappeared over the top and out of sight.  Looking at it, the climb was going to be a mofo but of course every cyclist knows, for every hill you climb, there is an equal descent.  In the Sport, I climbed into the clouds and out the top of them all in a matter of minutes.  In the cloud, plenty of understeer on the hairpins due to the moisture and also the constant passing of quarry trucks but something told me this had potential.  My altimeter suggested 2000 feet at the top and that was enough for me to set my alarm for 07:00 this morning.

Just after 9am, I was away, an easy warm up out towards the airport and then behind Ikea (where I also noticed a squash club) and then, the left hand turn off the main road left me facing directly at the hill I was about to climb, better still, those switchbacks were in front of me, calling me like a classic old italian movie.  I counted around a dozen before I made my first turn that put them out of sight behind me.

I can always measure the intensity of a route by the gears I need to use. Now, a hard run out with Brownie and Poopie Pants, I might occasionally grab the little gears on the front ring but mainly for off road climbs, a middle ring is the order of the day. Fast on road stuff is big ring only.  Within 10 minutes of turning off the main road, I was on the little gear and stayed that way for the next hour.  Looking up at the next 10 hairpins was a little disheartening but always being safe in the knowledge that I would soon be belting back down.

Near the summit, the road was still damp and slippery where the sun was trying to get to it, these bends would need maximum respect on my nobbly tyres especially as the Sport was sliding around the day before.  I made a mental note of the bends that were still wet so that I didn’t do anything stupid on the way into them.

At the top, a small pause for a pee, change into a dry shirt (nothing worse than wind chill in a sweat soaked shirt) and some gaitor aid to help replace those precious fluids, a few quick photos and then I gloved up, popped on my fluffy hat and sunnies and headed off.

Very quickly, I was thankful for the change into a dry shirt, the wind chill was 100% nipple.  The fluffy hat doing its job and I was peddling like a mentalist.  It wasn’t long before I was wishing for taller gearing and cursing that I was missing an opportunity to go faster but then, I hit the wet bends.  Not a weird sexual fetish you understand, but those extremely greasy bends I encountered the day before in the 4×4.

I survived thankfully, onto the switchbacks, fast descents and hard hairpins with convex mirror on their outer apex.  As my confidence grew, I started using the mirrors to get a view of the upcoming road, if I could see it was clear, I could use both lanes on the bend and carry more speed.  A little nervy even by my standards, barreling towards a hairpin with armco and a death drop on the other side and your focus is on a small convex mirror instead of your braking points – it just makes it a little more heart stopping and that is good if you are a forty something adrenaline junkie.

As fast as it was, it just wasn’t fast enough – my maximum speed of just 37mph (60kph) is still a solid 7mph off my record (FFS – I managed 32mph in the Forest in Brussels on the dirt). Some of you might be thinking ‘that’s fast enough old timer’ but I am thinking ‘maybe a road bike would be faster ?’

The problem being, straight sections not long enough between mentally tight hairpins means constant deceleration was damaging my speed record attempt. So I remain in search of a route (or bike) that will allow me to pass through the 45mph barrier and maybe into the 50’s. I do know of one in the Alps bu tit is a motorway, and I would need someone to drive my car behind me.

I took a couple of photos on the climb up, the switchbacks have to be seen.  I will add them to the photo section a little later this evening under ‘Sport d’Italia’  feel free to take a look.

The link below should take you to the runkeeper page

http://runkeeper.com/user/hairygoose/activity/280715455?&tripIdBase36=4n4pfj

 

Congratulations to my older sister for completing a 5k race today – ‘it’s all for charity mate!’

 

 


NOT if you are half Possum

In the cold light of day, I have to admit to beginning to feel my age a little.

I was watching a couple on the beach earlier with their son who was probably around 10 or 12 years old.  Watching them jump in the air while taking photos I did feel their pain.  Not that they had a rough landing, no.  I read their expressions that clearly from 100 yards away said – ‘ I used to be able to jump higher than that‘.  Both him and her had it written all over their faces – and it was painfully obvious that they had put all of their effort into making a jump that probably didn’t elevate their head more than 6 inches from its normal height from the ground.

I feel that pain too – most days, while running or cycling or even reaching for something.  It’s just not as good as it used to be, a little less spring in my step, taking the stairs all the way to the bottom instead of jumping half of them, running up a kerb and getting enough lift to clear the obstacle and land on the pavement rather than bounding like a Gazelle and landing a metre further forward than I really needed to.  I fear the Reaper is gaining speed on me slowly but surely.

On a less grim note – my car is EPIC !  A bit juicy with a board on the roof, a bike on the back and a boot full of crap, but still all the same, rather damn splendid. it glides effortlessly and in utter comfort for 1000 kilometres and I never even felt tired.  I like it a lot.

Have also managed to touch base with almost all of the people I need to and a couple of surprises along the way too.  I have to decide if I want to do battle with the local electricity board again.  A year and a half ago, I told them that no-one had lived in my house for over a year, gave them a new meter reading and expected to get a huge refund – but no – this is Portugal – As much bullshit as Spain but where the people are twice as stupid.

Lagos Marina has a Café so I just had to head there for a full english breakfast this morning, it was lush I have to say – and less than 10 euro too.  The wind was blowing a hooligan there too – I forgot just how windy this place can be.  I am considering wandering up to the Drom later but I think that is probably just misplaced nostalgia – I am expecting to bump into the old crowd, Gentleman Jim, Mental Mila, Zeni and others but something tells me that just won’t happen.

Popped into Uwe’s workshop today on the way to see Frannie and Max.  He had a long board there with some colours that reminded me of melting Vanilla ice-cream with strawberries in it.  Sadly it was already spoken for otherwise I would have had it but I did challenge him to make another one that has a full bottom paint in the vanilla and strawberry design.  I have to say though – I think that one would end up on the wall in Belgium rather than coated with wax and grunting up the beach. It was lush – I want one – my first Kluba

Expect more of the same tomorrow, I may venture to Amado in search of a tidier wave – we will see.

 

 

 


%d bloggers like this: