Tag Archives: easyjet

The Field Slider

Once upon a time, many years ago, I tried my hand in a sales role.  Turns out, I was shit at it, my strengths apparently lie in operational stuff – but let me tell you about why I was crap at sales.

Firstly and foremost, the sales role I entered into was for a product I knew well.  It was for a product that I had previously managed from an operational point of view – and very successfully too.  Of course, the sales team loved having me around while pitching to customers because I knew my product well, knew how to work it and knew its limitations.  Then, I moved to a competitor.  At least I thought they were a competitor!  When I got some inside information on their product – I could see just how shit it was, and definitely no match for the product I had just left behind.

Now, not being a sales minded fool, I just couldn’t sell a shit product to unsuspecting clients – I am far too honest for that.  I also struggled with the Finance Director in that company too.  See, they advertised the role as £40k OTE.  For those who are unfamiliar with corporate speak, OTE refers to ‘On Target Earnings’, pretty typical with sales job.  You get a base salary and then you make bonuses based on volume of sales.  The bonuses + the base (on a good year) will equal the OTE.

Simple maths you would have thought ?

Not if you’re a Finance Director it seems.  When I finally got my targets from this guy, I did a very simple calculation.  I added my base salary to the bonuses available for hitting 100% on targets from day 1 and guess what?  That £40k a year was in fact £28k a year.  When I asked the Director of Finances how there could be such a huge difference in what was advertised as OTE and what I could physically achieve, he simply said ‘that’s just the way it is’!

Now imagine….I had just spent 6 months working for Stelios Haji-Ioannou of easyjet fame out of their Camden office – a business man who made decisions with his ego rather than rationale, then to be clobbered by this Finance Director who had less charisma than a cold wet chamois leather – I was convinced that there was no integrity left in the UK.  I fudged the next few months doing absolutely sod all until eventually they said ‘this isn’t working is it?’.  At which point I smiled at the Operations Director and agreed with him – ‘Absolutely not Ken’ I beamed. I then explained why things had progressed that way and my conversation two months prior with the Finance Director.  Poor Ken looked shocked.

He did ask if I wanted to stay for my sales meeting that morning to which I replied ‘of course not’ and I headed for home. I thought that would be it if I am honest.  Until they came to collect the car a month later.  The Finance Director tried to withhold my salary because of a crack in the windscreen and a scratch on the bumper.  I referred him back to my contract, pointing out there was no mention of their ability to withhold funds.  I gave them 3 days to put the money in my bank or I would refer the matter to ACAS and guess what……………the very next day I was paid in full.

Now in short, that’s golf wankers at a corporate level.  See, the FD was a golf wanker and if you weren’t prepared to listen to his shit – you simply weren’t in his favour.  Even before I met him, I hated golf so imagine how much of a sympathetic ear his weedy stories fell on ?

When I left, I did write to one of their board members telling them what had been going on.  Curiously, I learned a year later they had all been fired.   Golf Wankers.

A month after all of that was done, I had sold my house, most of my belongings and left the UK.

I digressed a little there – I was talking about my inability to be a salesman.  You will see a little further down the page a photo from a recent shopping trip to Sainsbury’s.  a 300g packet of McVities Chocolate Digestives costing 10p MORE than a 500g packet.  I questioned why and how Sainsbury’s can do this.  Lets be fair for a moment – Sainsbury’s  are not the only culprit – they are all at it – but how can they do it and get away with it and make money?

The answer is very simple, and a lot closer to home than most of you will imagine.  The reason why they can and do get away with it is that the general public are insanely stupid.  I shall now give you two examples.


  1.  My very gorgeous S7 edge broke again recently (another story there – save that for another day).  With both the front and rear screen cracked and a potential repair bill from Samsung in the region of £250 / £300 I started looking at replacing it.  There were 3 items listed on eBay.  Two were fixed price, buy it now sales, both listed at just under £350. The third was an auction style sale, highest bidder wins.  When I first looked, that was at £320 with an additional £7.50 postage. A couple of days later and that auction ended, the final bid at £390 plus postage. So who is paying nearly £50 more for something than the other two listings on eBay? Stupid People!
  2. Just bought a tumble dryer for the missus – I know, romance isn’t dead.  Thought it would make an excellent Valentines Day present to replace her non condensing dryer which was causing much condensation throughout her house.  So, I took a look through eBay again.  With one eye on the environment, I also looked at some tidy second hand options.  While watching and searching, I noticed a company in Leicester that were offering new Hotpoint dryers for £169.  I checked ao.com and the best they were doing was a tad over £200.  Some of the used units were fetching very close to the price of the new Hotpoint so I thought ‘stop wasting your time Wayno’ jumped in the five point oh (no longer focused on the environment) and headed to Leicester to pick one up.  Met the girl at the store, loaded the Range and as I was about to pull away my phone chirped.  eBay – the item you were watching has finished, the winning bid was £179. A second hand dryer had sold for more than I had paid for a new one. Who does that?  STUPID PEOPLE.

So let that be a lesson to you – retailers get away with charging what they like all thanks to STUPID PEOPLE. So the reason I was shit at sales was all down to STUPID PEOPLE and my honesty and integrity that wouldn’t allow me to take their money for a shite product that they could get elsewhere at a better price or a higher quality.


Crikey – that was a bit of a rant……..took longer than expected.  Lets get back to the field slider.


For the uninitiated, the ‘Field Slider’ is a car.  Generally of low value, minimal street cred unless pimped to some degree, often a second car used to protect a more valued item, front or rear wheel drive (never a 4×4, but rear drive has more kudos than front), ABS is optional and ESP banned.  Any car from the mandatory ESP era simply cannot be considered a field slider.

The idea of the slider is the freedom to be more reckless or careless. No need to lock it, park it where you like, doesn’t matter if someone dings it, cleaning is optional (interior & exterior), birds can shit all over it and it doesn’t matter if it burns the paint, you can throw anything in the back to take to the dump without putting a protection sheet down first, cheap second hand parts are abundant (although trips to the scrap yard these days are not as much fun now that they are not allowed to stack cars 3 high), insurers laugh at you if you ask for comprehensive insurance, people in Sainsbury’s filling station look down their noses at you when you are filling it up, and importantly no matter how dirty you are – your field slider is always happy that you sat in its seat.

But the real attraction of the field slider is its main qualifying criteria – it must be of an age that was pre mandatory ESP or electronic stability program for the abbreviation shy.  See, modern cars, you can hit a bend too hot, brake in the wrong place, accelerate too hard at the wrong time and the car will squirm around underneath you, recover, keep you on the tarmac and spit you out the other end alive and well, feeling like some kind of F1 hero for ‘saving the car’.  The reality is that the stability program just saved you, the car and the ditch from a very compact threesome that wasn’t quite the threesome you had in mind.

A true slider needs understanding, calmness and control. Arguably the best sliders came from Italy.  Alfa’s, Fiats and the absolute legendary Lancia’s.  There are a brace now of suitable rear wheel drives from BMW & Mercedes but be aware – these boys were fitting ESP way before it was a legal requirement. If you are lucky, you might still find an old XR4i or a Brooklands 280 Capri but these are creeping up in value now and may be too expensive to stay in the true ‘slider’ category.

Everybody should have a slider at some point in their life.  Extra points can be earned for pulling up at the Ritz in London in your slider, getting out in your wellies and having the car valet parked.

And lets not forget, the ability of the slider to help compliance with rule 25.


The Rules





Positive Mental Attitude

Don’t worry, I haven’t ben affected by one of those ‘life coaches’ or anything else pathetic like that but i have decided to perk myself up a little.  Lots going on at the moment and add to that a job that is getting a little long in the tooth and I have to say I have become way too grumpy for my own good, so I have decided to pick myself up every morning with a few american style ‘whoos’ at good volume, followed by the words ‘P-M-A dude’ and the occasional ‘fuck yeah’ to finish it off.

It makes me smile but annoys the shit out of those around me.  I even find myself saying it in the car when confronted with the local spanish fuckwits.  It works too – try it for yourself next time you want to rage at someone.


I have a few photos to share with you while I am PMA’ing.  Been flying an awful lot this last month.  I have sampled the delights of both Monarch Airlines and also the tedium of Ryanair.  Now Monarch, I really like.  The prices are not mental, their planes in good nick and their staff are always really good.  I was a bit miffed though the other week when crossing the Alps and the co-pilot came out of the cockpit to use the toilet.  Remember that German Wings flight that plunged into the Alps the other year?  Well, I thought that since then, all airlines had adopted a policy of always two people in the cockpit. Not Monarch it would seem.  As their customer service kindly pointed out to me in an email – the two at all times policy was a recommendation and not  law so they weren’t doing it.  So I switched to Ryanair.  A little cheaper, a little less classy and a little less on time.  Both of last weeks flights were at least an hour late, the return leg getting to an hour and a half behind.

I am a firm subscriber to the notion of ‘better late than never’ when flying.  Ryanair play that shite little fanfare when they land on time or ahead of schedule – you may have noticed.  What you also may have noticed is that they also publish longer flight times than their rivals for identical flights – sneaky feckers aren’t they?

So this time – no fanfare, praise the lord but as you can see below, a late departure and then to add insult to injury, we get overtaken by an Easyjet plane – damn Ryanair you tight fuckers, burn some extra fuel and catch up some of the time you lost!



Now, all said and done, lets talk about Range Rover Sport and the Land Rover Dealer network.  Been a thorn in my side for a while now, whenever I take my car to the dealer, it costs a grand.  Never more, never less, always a fecking grand.  I called them last week to make a booking to have some work done.  One of the things I asked them to do was tell me how much a new key would be.  One of my keys is worn badly on the unlock button.  So bad the casing has cracked and is exposing the electronics to the atmosphere.  I asked for a price and the rather smug fucker at the dealer said, ……wait for it……….£250 – I was gob smacked.

£250 for a key – get lost !.  I scoured eBay and found a new shell.  All I had to do was cut the old unit apart, remove the electronics and fit them inside the new key – easy !!!IMG_0499


Damn right it was easy – for a first timer, it took me about 20 minutes.  Comparing the two keys (genuine and aftermarket) it is hard to see the difference, in fact, I think the new one is better


And here’s the best bit – not £250 like the Dick Turpin dealer wanted, no.  A modest £5.95 delivered from eBay.  Yes, not a typo, five pounds and ninety five pence, delivered in two days flat – job done

My Range Rover is ace – the dealer network is just shite.


Now tonight, I would like to end with a little bit of nostalgia.  Some of you may be familiar with a spectacularly good program called ‘Modern Family’. It’s ace isn’t it ?  One of the main characters on that program is a guy I know better as Al Bundy from Married with Children ( also showing the extremely hot young Christina Applegate).  A superb comedy from a time before the politically correct brigade gained some seats in the Houses of Parliament. Anyway, tonight I found a montage of Al Bundys best insults and it actually made me LOL so I thought I should share.  I genuinely did LOL too, I am not just typing that for effect – I LOL’d and you will too, I promise


Remember to tick the right box

My recent travels to the UK left me feeling  a bit perplexed.  I flew EasyJet again – lets be honest, the price is right and the service now that the company has matured a little, is actually very good.  They have good routes, and generally run on time. I even managed to get the train from Rugby to Luton Airport, 1st class for just over £30 and a silly £1.60 bus transfer from Luton Airport Parkway Station to the Terminal – all in about 2 hours – pretty damn sweet if you ask me!

I am perplexed because when booking, I never noticed the tick box for ‘I will behave like a total fuckwit’ yet so many of my fellow passengers did.  I also find it amusing that people start to queue at the gate even before the incoming plane has landed and made its way to the gate to offload the incoming passengers.  What really tickles me is when people with ‘Speedy Boarding’ are also as hurried to get in a queue for a plane that hasn’t even arrived yet.  Oh the joys of flying.

What leaves me dumb struck are the regular flyers – by that I mean the business man that flies business class and gets priority boarding. Why is it that these spaztards actually get to the gate and when they are asked for their boarding cards, they have it stowed at the very bottom of their carry on ?   I could fully understand if they were virgin flyers but regular flyers should know better.

There is of course one huge bonus of flying back to France – it is a given that the arrivals hall will be a major cluster fuck.  So, Nice, Terminal 2 – there are 4 or 5 reclaim belts but those cheese munchers decide to put three flights worth of bags all on one belt while the others stand redundant.  Of course, you can trust the passengers to then crowd right up to the belt so that no-one can get to their bag when it actually comes around after a wait of 30 minutes.  Society has become one huge self centred place where people have little or no consideration for those around them.

Now lets talk conspiracy.  On the boat, my shampoo is Head and Shoulders.  Now, I don’t have dandruff but I do have a concern.  I think that  when I stop using the shampoo and switch to whatever brand comes next, suddenly I will start getting dandruff – a result of the secret ingredient that is put in the shampoo to trap the accidental user.

Don’t believe me?  Ask someone who has used Sensodyne toothpaste and then stopped – I bet their teeth got sensitive afterwards.

All done?  Not quite.

Tomorrow morning I will brave the chilled temperature of the Meditereanean at around 06:45.  I brought my summer wet suit with me so that I can start swimming in the mornings too.  The boat gauge suggests 14ºc – time will tell.

Dancing with the Devil on your back

Free at last!

The summer is mine, but not without some last minute observations.  Another latin country and another set of rules ( or lack of them). I was trying out the new easyjet electronic boarding pass system to my mobile phone when I realised that Olbia was not on their list of airports that would accept it.  Expecting to get hammered at the check in, I found a place in the airport that offers office support and they printed the pass for me and charged me just 20 cents for the privilege.  Nice start to the trip.

Next up, Italian pilots.  For years we have heard how bad their driving is but as the plane was taxiing out to the runway, the first officer suddenly jammed on his brakes.  Turns out he was heading to the wrong end of the runway to take off – I always kind of expected pilots to know where they were going.  A quick thrust from the starboard engine and we were heading in the correct direction. I have to give this guy his dues though, the landing at Milan was superbly gentle.

The next morning, I was given the full Italian experience. An airport full of them! Bling and chav’d up to the eyeballs, in fact, dressed like that in England, you would have swore they were pikeys but the best was yet to come.

On the plane, I got my exit seat when a couple of blinged up high society older generation Italian came walking along the aisle.  Now my Italian is not perfect but as the bird got a couple of rows away from me, she was calling to the Steward that I was in her seat.  Obviously she was wrong and her husband promptly corrected her but it lead me into some thoughts about the class system.

Here were two, what I am assuming were upper class old Italians, dressed to the nines, her with more Jewelry than Liberace, it was dripping off her.  In my mind, very poor taste but from what I had seen of Milan airport, it was the norm to look like a pikey.  What then ensued was a flurry of class leveling experiences.

Firstly, you are on easyjet love, no matter how much money your old man has, you are going to be cattle herded just like the rest of us.  No first class here – the best you can manage to show your opulent wealth is paying for an extra leg room seat when your feet hardly touch the floor.

Nº 2 on my class levelling list – no matter how much money you have, the bling dripping off you cannot – I repeat – cannot cover up for the smell of stale piss if you haven’t washed for a couple of day.  B.O. knows no class boundaries – you stink.

Lastly – and this one made me chuckle the most – when on a plane and the person next to you farts – you have to breathe it in just like everyone else.  I figured that I had to deal with her smell for the next hour and a half, she could have a bit of mine.

All classes were finally equal.

But for now, back in Mallorca and resting for a couple of days before the first of several road trips planned for this summer.  8am on Sunday morning I am on the fast ferry to the mainland and then a 10 hour drive to Portugal for a week of surfing, mountain biking, scuba diving, running and walking.  I have the car for the job and will thoroughly enjoy the space and solitude of being completely on my own for the first time in a year.  living on a yacht has its benefits but by christ, you can never find your own space to just be alone.

More inspirational observations soon – I promise

As Florence once said – It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back

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