When the world is full of guff

I had the exquisite pleasure just the other day to read about the Aston Martin DB11.  It was a joyous moment as I opened an article on the wonderous BBC website that promised photos and blurb of what I was expecting to be a very sexy beast indeed.  The pride of Britain as it used to be and the latest in the David Brown line as it were.  then this twat appeared………

By Matthew Phenix
23 September 2016
I generally despise first-person car reviews. Particularly when the vehicle in question is expensive, or fast, or both, these stories can quickly devolve into oily billets-doux of the writer’s preternatural giftedness behind the wheel. Or, worse, they become obnoxiously self-deprecating confessionals of their doubtful worthiness in the face of such blinding automotive majesty. So it is with no small amount of consternation that, after stewing over the Aston Martin DB11 for weeks after driving the car, I have decided to approach my take on it from the shameless first-person perspective.

Well Matthew Phenix – seems to me that you are something of a cock, bordering on complete fucktard.  This was the first paragraph of your Aston review and quite frankly – it was so shite that I never even made it to the first picture.  That’s the modern day equivalent of buying a copy of Readers Wives and only looking at the ads in the back for blow up dolls !!!  Younger readers will not understand what Readers Wives is all about – god bless the world before internet porn !!!

I was left scratching my head and not only thinking ‘WTF have I just read’? but also ‘WTF did it mean’?

Now it’s not enough that these weedy little tossers get to fool around in such nice cars while the rest of us have to suffer  (or enjoy in my case) £300 Volvos but they also have to spout a complete load of bollocks in order to try to make themselves appear more educated than the likes of you and me.

I blame Top Gear, and even Jeremy Clarkson.  See, these wanky little farts would just love to be a top line car journalist.  They have watched the likes of Hammond, May and Clarkson having bucket loads of fun over the years and making a mint whilst doing it.  Then all of a sudden, the top slots are free and available.  Every wanna be journo is creeping out of the woodwork with big fancy words and foolish comparisons.

To really keep them on edge, the initial replacement presenters (or two of them at least) were shit and most likely need replacing again !

Now you see, I much prefered 5th Gear and the ever so saucy minx Vicky Butler-Henderson.  I had the pleasure once of meeting said VBH at Le Mans maybe 15 years ago – she was ever so much the minx in real life as she was on the TV.

Drifting gently out of my dream sequence with VBH, back at my laptop..

So Journos – stop with the shit and speak English.  It’s the same in the damn iTunes store when you are looking at the review of an album.  I once read a review of a new Skunk Anansie album a few years back.  They had just reformed and were sounding sublime as ever but some fool had to write this crap

I think I better go and listen to some Birdy and calm down

See back in the day, I can remember if you drove through Newport Pagnell at the right time, you would see the men at Aston Martin pushing a body shell from the body shop on one side of the road, across through the traffic and into the engine shop on the other side.

Body panels hand rolled and each engine bearing a little plate with the name of the guy that built it from scratch.  Now that would be more satisfying than a years subscription to Readers Wives.

Ahhh – Back in the day !