Tag Archives: new york

Flange – A word of beauty and hidden meaning.

Recovering from my ‘I hate Florida’ rant of the other day, I am looking forward to Colorado next weekend and hoping that it will revive my faith in human nature on this side of the pond.

Today, I would like to invite you all to discuss the following statement…

If your ball sack hangs lower than your bell end, is this a sign of age or a sign of a warm ambient temperature ?

I will leave you to chew that one over for a while (poor choice of expression I am sure).

I am also wondering about the street cleaners here that use leaf blowers.  All I ever see is these guys wandering around blowing leaves.  I never see anyone scooping them up.  Am I actually watching a guy that has blown those leaves down from Alaska, across California, through Death Valley, across Texas Louisiana and Mississippi before stopping for a burger in Alabama and then pushing across the state line into Florida?  Better still, are they even this seasons leaves?  I wonder.

I also wonder about the veeeee-hickles they use over here and the amount of flashing lights they have on them. School buses I can understand, Police, Fire and Paramedics I get that too – Park Rangers?  really?  Parking Enforcement Officers – why? Postal deliveries – come on.  I even saw a golf buggy the other day with strobe lights flashing all over the place.  It seems every veeeeee hickle has them and for me it de-sensitises you to them – but not the yanks of course.  Put a delivery truck on a half mile long and straight section of dual carriageway, all lights flashing while it is unloading and watch the locals drive all the way up to the back of it until their noses are pressed on the light lenses before they realise it’s not moving and they need to change lanes.  First class!

That’ll do for now, I need to find a Donnie Darko Skeleton suit for Halloween


That is one big nasty gash!

That is one big nasty gash!


Evacuate the Dance Floor

For I am feeling BUFF!!!

Honestly, I have been struggling with the heat here, it makes exercising difficult – or should I say very sweaty. I am only managing half my normal distance and stamina wise, half my normal time (please, no jokes there!).  Of course, the terrain is much more interesting though.  Running out of the harbour here and up the hill side is hard work.  Better still, when it gets too steep to run and I end up scrambling on all fours.

I have also had two runs at the hill down from Shirley Heights, both of which failed to surpass the New York 44.6mph.  I have just managed to crack the 40 mph mark before diving on the brakes to make the 90º turn.  I checked the data tonight and that 90º  bend is still rocking at 25 mph although I did manage to lock my front wheel before coming off the brakes and peeling in for the turn.

We have also had a very famous (well if you are an F1 fan!) neighbour this week – a certain fella called Eddie Jordan, on his new boat called ‘Lush’ of all things.  I did a fly by on Mr. Jordan on my second attempt down from Shirley Heights as he was coming up with his Mrs. in tow.  I think I impressed him enough to get a drive next year so look out for me on the grid!

I have just realised today that Christmas is dangerously close now, less than a week away.  Thankfully – I have seen next to nothing of it and I hope to keep it that way.   ‘Bah Humbug’ I hear you cry but honestly, I don’t miss all the fuss and effort to celebrate the birth of a baby that for me is purely mythical.

I saw a goat climbing a tree yesterday – I kidd you not (did you see what I did there ?) – It did look familiar to the one I saved the other day.  I took a photo of it and will add it to a new album, most likely to be called ‘Antigua 2012’ in the coming days.

I am off hunting on Christmas morning.  There is a new fish in these parts, not native to the area with no natural predators.  It eats up all of the other fish on the reef and breeds like nothing on earth.  They call it the Lion Fish.  It has 3 rows of venomous spines along its body and apparently tastes superb (once the spines have gone of course).  I saw 5 last week when we dived on Hercules so should fill the freezer for a while.

Getting back to my buff statement, the terrain here is excellent for hard training so I am expecting some good things when I get on the scales this Friday.  Don’t worry, I will be sure to tell you about it.

The Boss arrives on Saturday so that’s my weekends gone for the next two weeks.

I’ll be back …

The Older I get

The faster I was !!

I have always thought that but now, now I have definite proof.

Way back in 1996, I got caught speeding in blighty.  Now, I am not talking about a flash from a Gatso, although I have had a few of those too,  I am talking a proper copper with a hand held unit, 107mph.  Proudly, the highest recorded speed in Thame Magistrates Court for that day.  A few years after that, I accidentally managed to overtake an unmarked Police car at around 102mph.  Sneaky those Norwich coppers – using unmarked Volvos back in 1999.

Then yesterday (wait for it Mother!) I got pulled over by a State Trooper who quite calmly told me ‘I got your speed at 92’. Of course, my first reaction was to blurt out   ‘ is that all ? – hardly worth pulling me up for that!’   but I decided to keep it quiet, american visa and all.

So here’s my theory.  I am loosing on average about 1mph per year so by the time DVLA decide to retire my driving license in 2039,  I will finally be driving under the speed limit, my estimate is a top speed then of 65mph which will be quite respectable me thinks.  That is of course if we are not all flying around on hover boards by then or the euro bureaucrats haven’t outlawed speeds above 15mph and made all car manufacturers fit seat spikes that stick you in the arse if you break the law.

Last night I pulled my last ‘tourist’ item from my New York list – A quick run around Central Park.  I say quick but I meant 7.5 miles of it, and that was just one lap. I was tired and getting pissed off with running into dead ends everywhere. Strange that in the land of the free, 25% of the Park remains fenced off.

Tomorrow we leave New York and head North a little bit, back to glorious Rhode Island

Record Breaking in New York City

I have to admit to beginning to actually like New York.  Ok, don’t shoot me but it is not bad.  There is a huge amount of different cultures all around you while you are out and about – I like that.  What does leave me a little perplexed though, and this is of course the same in all cities – people just don’t say hello in passing, rarely I get a smile but never  ‘good morning’.  So tomorrow while I walk up to the car rental on West 83rd street, I am going to say good morning to everyone I pass.  Of course, they will all shit themselves and think I am mental and about to stab them but that won’t be the case.

I have also decided that New York is an English version of the latin name ‘Flangemus Giganticus Fabrique’ or in plain English ‘ Giant Flange Factory’.  The amount of tidy units I see out and about just isn’t right.  I expect city dwelling chicks, much like their city pidgeon counterparts to be manky and deformed from all of the pollution – but here, it just aint so!

So I recommend a visit to New York if you haven’t already done so but I also recommend that you do it soon.  As soon as those nasty terrorists have a nuclear device, you can bet your bottom dollar that New York is gonna get it and be uninhabitable for the following century. It is everything that those religious nutters despise about western civilisation.

Now lets get onto the record breaking.  It has been a monumental weekend for me – mentally monumental in fact.  Saturday saw me score a new long distance record for running, a single run of 10.27 miles which was also a weekly total best AND a monthly total best and it’s not even the end of the month yet!

If that sounds inspirational, check out today’s effort.  I hit the mountain bike hard, riding a route in reverse due to a big hill that I wanted to try and crack my top speed record of 36mph.  I was hoping for 40mph but instead I was blessed with a top speed of 44.6mph – ON MY MOUNTAIN BIKE!!!!!!!!!  I have no doubt that as a child, I was a constant source of worry for my mother – she probably expected that to stop as I got older!

Steve Brown – beat that without hanging onto the side of Penelope Pitstops’ Car !!

The story doesn’t stop there though.  I rode away from the boat, across George Washington Bridge, back down the New Jersey side of the river, onto Staten Island and then got the ferry to Manhattan before racing some dude on his road racing bike for the 5 miles or so back to the boat ( I won of course – I think he bailed out a block too early, the pace was too hot for him) – total distance???

51.44 miles – and that is after running 10 miles yesterday – fit as a butchers dog I am.

Now it is time for me to sign off but not before I tell you about the photo I took yesterday morning while walking to the post office.  It was so fecking hilarious that I actually stopped and pulled my phone out to take a picture.  Take a look in the America 2012 section once more, it will be my last upload from New York – when you find it, leave a comment on it – I promise, you will know when you have found it


That’s all Folks










Ok, I admit – maybe I got it wrong.  The subway here is getting easier to use with every trip, in fact now I think I understand it – I take it all back, everything I said.

On a lighter note, I used my new found subway confidence to visit some other tourist hotspots that NYC has to offer.

30 Rock

Times Square

Walked the Brooklyn Bridge

Grand Central Station


and that floating museum on an old aircraft carrier on the Hudson that has a Space Shuttle, a Nuclear Sub from the Cold War (went inside that too) and pride of place for me anyway was The Concorde although it was closed to the public – magic !!

I also ventured out again last night on the subway to find a sweet little bar that sells belgian beer.  I like the beer but the price made me smart somewhat.  A bottle of Chimay Blue that costs 1.10 euro in Belgium  but it was 11 dollars in there.

Got some cool new shots with the cameras so again, take a look at the America 2012 section.

Oh and I got even lighter too – 93.8kgs  –  thats a modern day record taking the total loss now to almost 22kgs or a smidge over 3 1/2 stones. How fat were you I hear you cry – well, let me put it into perspective.  This time last year I had a 40” waist – today I am sitting in  34” pair of shorts!!! 6 inches off my waist in less than a year!


Anyway, enjoy the new arty photos but give me an hour to upload them – satellite internet can be very slow sometimes.



Red Snot

Americans huh – they have either got guns or Aids – some even have both!

I had a wander around the Big Apple today, or as I think it should be called – The Big Cluster Fuck! Maybe New Yoike as they say it here isn’t quite so bad, maybe its just more of the fact that I am not a fan of cities. The subway (that´s aparently not something you use for crossing a busy road) was very confusing – see, I am a great fan of the London Underground, where you choose the line by colour, walk down to the platform and there are two options, lets say Northbound and Southbound, and just to make it even simpler it gives you the final destination too so it is easy to know where you are going – here in Yoike, I am still at a loss.  I did manage to buy a week long pass though, for the very cheap sum of 29 dollars.  The subway has to be the only way to go though, the roads seem to be permanently gridlocked.

Hardly surprising though – when the names of the streets are stupid – West 59th Street East & Wall Street for gods sake ! Then there’s 79th Street and the Hudson River – No wonder Sully touched down on the water, I think he had lost his way a little.

I did make it to the Empire State Building today.  The lift went up so quickly my ears popped.  You have all seen those lift counters counting up the floors each floor at a time?  Well, this one was so quick it went in tens. 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 !!  I had to take 2 more lifts to get up to the 109th floor – and I can tell you it was bloody windy up there!

I also managed a trip to ground zero where the World Trade Centre once stood.  We can all remember where we were and what we were doing when that news broke. The city streets are small around that area – it was easy to imagine just how horrific that time must have been.

The new towers are going up now, I think they are calling them Freedom Towers, looking all nice and shiny too.  Don’t suppose it will be too long before someone takes a pop at them too.

Tomorrow I might head to Liberty Island or up to the war ship along the river – they have a submarine there too.  Machines of War ! Times square is on the list too, as is Madison Square Garden.  Of course, I will do Central Park but we are moving up the river on Tuesday and will be 3 blocks away so I intend to run and cycle the park – dodging bullets, bandits and baddies.

New running shoes today too, my Saucony Triumph 9’s are seriously munted after less than 200 miles so after a decade of Saucony – I have switched brands.  I also had two new wheels for the mountain bike courtesy of Specialized.  After a problem with the rear hub that they couldn’t replace, they agreed to the shop buying me two other wheels and fitting them – so I now have SRAM rims front and rear.  Had a quick 26 mile burn on it yesterday and it felt good.  It was beginning to feel a bit harder to pedal – at the time I thought it was me just getting worn out but no,  bent axle and extra bearing friction were the cause.

My route was a little curious.  I wanted to cross the George Washington bridge, and I did manage it too but not without cycling through one of those areas where I did think I would get shot while dodging the pats of human shit left behind by the crack heads. I was pleasantly surprised when I got out of there and back along the river – life is just one great big adventure!

I have added a few more photos – strangely enough, in the photo album called ‘America 2012’ feel free to take a look but give me an hour or so to upload them first.

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