Author Archives: hairygoose

17/05/2013

With love – from Spain

By hairygoose

Wind is blowing hard at the moment and bringing some sloppy surf onto the island.  It certainly isn’t Portugal but if you are an islander or even someone who has been stuck here for a few months with work and has island fever, it may come as a welcome break for you.

I had some fun at the bank today.  My spanish bank card expired 15 months ago but as I haven’t been here for any  length of time I never bothered renewing it until today, and that was only prompted last night on the way to squash by Tall Paul who handed me a bank statement. So, the transcript of what happened in the bank (tranlsated into English for the ease of my multi cultural readers)

me – Morning, I need a new bank card please

handing over the old card, the spanish lady looks at it, turns her face sour like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle then says

bank girl – You have ID?

I gave her my driving license as I never thought to take anything else to the bank to get a new card

bank girl – This is a driving licence

me thinking to myself – no shit Sherlock !

bank girl – I need a passport

me, facial expression – oh fucking hell, here we go again, anything but help the client – spanish stylie – 15 minutes back to the boat to get it, 15 minutes back to the bank, another 15 minutes to find a parking space

bank girl after clearly reading my expression – OK, I can do it with this

She then read the address they held on the system for me to confirm where to send the card. it wasn’t my address and it was not an address I had ever had in Mallorca.  I told her that was wrong and then gave her the statement that had been sent to me just days before.  She naturally looked confused, I now feared the worst and was waiting for the one thing that sends a spear of pain and fear down your spine – The Spanish Shrug.

The Spanish Shrug is that moment in time where, without the use of words, the locals can tell you that exactly not one single fuck is given  for your plight – worse still, the shrug also implies that not one single fuck will be given at some point in the near or mid distant future.  You are, as we so politely say in blighty – up shit creek without a paddle!

To my complete and utter amazement, she calmly started updating the address on her computer with the address on the statement that her bank had produced in the last 7 days.  Then she cut my old card in half and told me a new card will be with me in 7 to 10 days

Now, lets be clear, thats 7 to 10 working days – clearer still, 7 – 10 Spanish working days so lets call it 3 weeks before the new card might land on Tall Paul’s doorstep but to really add insult to injury, they will also charge me 25€ for the privellage of sending me a new card.

 

Don’t even get me started about vodafone Spain changing my phone contract a year ago and taking treble the normal monthly fee without even telling me!

 

If you have ever wondered why the eurozone is having problems – come out to any of the latin countries and see for yourself exactly why there are problems.

 

Me personally – I love it

 

 

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13/05/2013

A Trip to Trumpton

By hairygoose

Always good to start the week off with something dashing – I quit my job this morning.  Been niggling away at me now for a few months and finally I decided today was the day, after working a months notice, I will have completed a whole year on board.  For some reason, other potential employers like to see a year as a minimum.

Of course, the skipper was dismayed and has this afternoon been trying to tempt me to stay but you know when the little seed is planted and it will only ever grow – that really makes me think the best option is to move on.

Had a busy weekend exploring the delights of Palma.  First stop was the most important for the weekend – Lórien in Palma, an absolute must for any serious beer drinkers.  When I say serious beer drinkers, I don’t mean people that can swill down 10 pints of Budpiss or wife beater – I mean the serious drinker that only drinks two beers on their visit, yet savours the mouthful of flavours that they ingest – best of all, it is twice the strength of that pish you get everywhere else so you only need a couple and you are done for.

Hot on the tail of Lòrien was Magaluf or Shagaluf as some of you might know it.  Just on the outskirts of this huge free sperm exchange is a place called Pirates.  I last went there around 5 years ago and loved it, this time it was almost just as good. I say almost because for my part there was too much girl dancing when the acrobatics could have been more.  Still though, – if you find yourself in Shagaluf and you are not full of strangers sperm, Pirates is a must see.

Not quite last on my score list was a Saturday evening meal in a little place called Na Burguesa, a shack that clings to the hillside overlooking Génova and the whole of Palma from one side of the bay to the other, and out back to the mountains.  A nice little number too – got there in daylight and stayed until after dark.  After dinner, we headed into Palma to Hostel Cuba, a new place for me, somewhere I haven’t been since it opened but ……..I haven’t really missed anything.  Full of people trying to look too good rather than having a good time – reminded me of a trip once to Pacha where the locals were easy to spot, they danced rooted to the spot in fear of spoiling their hair or creasing their clothes.  Of course it wasn’t long before we had seen enough and headed for an old favourite ‘ Café Lisboa’.  Still liking this place although I have to admit it is missing something since the smoking ban came into force – it was a bit like a seedy Jazz club before but with a different playlist, mostly rocky stuff with thick smoke so if you were looking for someone at the other end of the bar, you had to walk down there to see them, no standing on your tip toes and making eye contact.

Saving the best to last was of course ‘The Diner’ for sunday brunch – a superb score to  finish off the weekend.

Still full of cold and feeling the effects of all of the food i have eaten this weekend I need to focus.  We leave Palma on Monday and head for Sardinia where we have two races to compete in – and I use the word ‘compete’ very very loosely indeed.

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18/04/2013

Maggies Den, it’s Number 10!

By hairygoose

Can’t sleep tonight, the sea is rough as old boots.  I have managed to figure out that at 0.5 lateral G – I will begin to slide off my seat.  Doing anything is a real challenge.  The poor Chef went for a burton tonight, from one side of the boat to the other without touching the floor, until she hit the opposite wall of course, then she slithered down the wall into a heap at the bottom, covered in piccalilli. I was impressed with myself for not laughing, but I am glad I did withhold, it was quite serious.  Have to say she has a very heavy swelling on her ankle.  We should be in Gib within 24 hours so she can get off for an x-ray but my money is on a clean break !

Other things to hit the news this week, good old Maggie popping her clogs.  I have fond memories of the Iron Lady, more so for being a no nonsense kind of gal, send in the SAS for the Iranian Embassy siege – no problem.  Defend the Falklands from those Argie Bargies, you bet.  Dodge those murdering bastards of the IRA attempts at assassination – every time. The difference between Thatcher and all other modern day politicians, regardless of their colour is Thatcher did what she thought best for her country whereas all other politicians do what they can so that they can get re-elected.

Sure, call her milk snatcher – I was actually one of those kids that had my milk snatched but am I bovvered? No.  I was a little bit disturbed, no, I lie, livid at that northern town that was burning an effigy of old Mags with wreaths of ‘Scab’ surrounding it. That was exactly the kind of scum that she didn’t want in Britain.  It is also worrying that after more than 20 years out of the limelight, those northern tossers still blame Thatcher for their current personal situations instead of taking a long hard look at themselves and getting off their Jeremy Kyle watching arses and making something of their lives for themselves. Wankers, all of them.

If we had more like Maggie, Britain might one day be Great again.

 

Rant over.  Before I forget, I need to make a correction.  I recently pondered the whereabouts of Ms Verity McCoy only to be told in the last week that now it is Mrs. Verity Smith, with child (there really was no need to send me photos McCoy) and a degree to boot. Congratulations youngster !

 

Moving on – Hopefully by Monday afternoon we will be safely on the dock in Palma for a month.  There will be some frantic activity to settle the boat down so that everyone can head out for the evening.  My plans are simple – that funky little bar at the top of the ‘Bourne’ that sells all the funky Belgian beer, that is where I am heading, I shall have a couple before heading back to the boat nice and early.  So, from Saturday morning, I will be back on my Spanish phone number gringos.

Do I have anything else to bother you with right now ?  I think not.  In 24 hours time we will know exactly what 18 days at sea without exercise has done to my weight loss programme.

 

 

 

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14/04/2013

Ryanair flight of Terror

By hairygoose

Ah the romance of sailing the Atlantic soon wears thin.  Still 8 days to go before we reach Mallorca and I am very bored.  To make things worse, there is bugger all wind which means we motor a lot.  The huge downside of motoring is that you loose the stability of having a sail full of wind.  For the last 2 days now we have been rolling rail to rail and it makes even the simple tasks very hard.  Having a shower, taking a dump or even just getting dressed become severe physical challenges.

My right knee is now very sore from where I have been wedging myself in my bunk between the wall and my lee cloth. Gibraltar is still 6 days away, where we get to stop for a few hours and fill the tanks yet again with another 25,000 litres of diesel.

I have also, for the very first time, booked a ticket on Ryanair.  The only airline I could find that fly direct from Palma to Brussels.  The total cost of my ticket just 45€ – I wondered how they could do it so cheaply.  Maybe they water the fuel down, or share critical parts with other aeroplanes or maybe have strangers fly the planes rather than fully qualified pilots?  The 45€ also included a 10€ fee for me choosing a lanky twat seat so it really was a deal.

I just know that when I get to the airport there will be something I have missed, some obscure tick box on the web page that I forgot to tick and the fee for correcting my error will be another 150€.  If you don’t complete your online check in, or take your printed out tickets with you, you get charged an additional 70€ at the desk or you don’t fly.  The web page adds every additional extra you could imagine, it then becomes your responsibility to take it all off or you get charged for it, and some of it is hard to find.

My flight is on 26th April so be sure to check back again then to see how it went.

Now, I need to get back to rolling across the ocean.

 

 

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29/03/2013

Back to Work!

By hairygoose

All seems to be over too quickly but it is almost the end of the month and I have now been ‘holidaying’ since 6th March.

Tomorrow my Virgin Atlantic takes off  at 09:40 in the morning for the return leg back to Antigua before a short hop on ‘Miracle Airlines’ down to St Lucia the following day.  Looks like we may have a week there before we set sail to cross the Atlantic once more – that should give me time to try out the legendary scuba in St Lucia although I will have a little bit of work to do before the boat is ready to leave.

Here’s looking forward to another boring 17 days at sea heading for, as my friend Mase from the Black Forrest calls it ‘Pussy Island’ – due mainly to the large amounts of ferrel cats there (ahem)!  I always maintain though, better a boring crossing than a crossing where I am fighting for my life – always a sobering thought.

Popped into the Comics Cafe in downtown Brussels yesterday for one of their ‘Obilix’ burgers.  Any burger that costs 26€ has to be something special, and this was an absolute monster.  The missus was paying so I also followed up with some American Cheesecake.  After a week of hanging pictures, blinds and changing light bulbs and fittings – she owed me !!  Anyway, while we were there, we noticed an old kids annual – Wayne Thunder and the Lost Continent.  I could hardly resist a photo, I mean, the guy on the cover is a spitting image of me.

Let me leave you with a final thought before I hit the subways of Brussels heading for the Eurostar –

 

The XX second album, just doesn’t hit the spot in the way the first one did – discuss !

 

See you soon munters !!

 

IMG_0067

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28/03/2013

Crazy Americans

By hairygoose

If you have ever doubted the sanity of the yanks – the evidence is here.  Work safe

 

Crazy Yanks

 

 

 

 

 

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24/03/2013

A crazy little daisy, too vile to breathe

By hairygoose

Most urgent news – the car fits in the garage after all, couple of inches spare all around – let the rejoicing begin!

Last night at our ‘make your own’ pizza party, I actually met a real life dude called Zoltan!

Now, let me be serious for a while.  Having spent a little time in England for the last two weeks, I couldn’t help but watch some of the quality day time TV.  Dog the Bounty Hunter for instance.  First class american tv, with the blonde flowing locks of a steroid dependent loud mouth with his entourage of hard men heroes running around in combat gear brandishing their paint guns, not to mention his cannon ball of a wife running around shouting louder than everyone else – it is pure shit – what can I say?

Then of course, the Jeremy Kyle Show.  I am always amazed that this show can continually find the dumbest people in the country and get them on the show.  I was curious though, the audience looked considerably more intelligent than the guests and I started wondering about a couple of things.

1. When your other half tells you that you are going out for the day to the Jeremy Kyle show, how do you know if you will be in the audience or a guest

2. What morals do these guests have to have done some of these things and actually believe it ok to behave like that

So the first question is easy.  Your other half tells you they have tickets for the show, are you a guest or audience?  Count your teeth.  I have never seen a guest on JK’s show with more than half of their teeth so have a quick look in the mirror – missing a few and you could go either way, missing a lot, and you are undoubtedly a guest rather than one of the more beautiful and IQ rich audience participants

Question 2 bothers me because these chavs really see no problem with what they do. It bothers me because they form part of our democratic society and can have their say in the way the country is run – that is scary.

I also often wonder if JK himself is pleased with his work, his contribution to society.  I can imagine being a TV presenter as being something to be hugely proud of, like Sir David Attenborough scouring the world to bring highly entertaining and educational programmes to the world, or the news reader Trevor MacDonald impartially reporting on the workings of a mad world each day, but Kyle, does he actually sleep at night.  Does he look in the mirror at the end of the day and congratulate himself for a good day at the office ? I hope not.

I would like to see Dog the Bounty Hunter chasing down Grant Mitchell for a full on bit of London Gangster banter.  I would of course also like to see Jeremy Kyle stuck in the village stocks for a long weekend so that the decent public of the UK can cover him in rotten fruit and veg at their own leisure.

Enough of that – I would like to say that on my first road trip in the Rangie – it performed faultlessly and proved to be a very comfortable ride for the 6 hours between Rugby and Brussels.  Next month it will take on another epic trip between Brussels and Palma de Mallorca.  I was hugely happy that it did indeed fit in the garage today.  Beers are on me

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17/03/2013

News from the Future

By hairygoose

UK HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2060

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK ‘s third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being ‘different’……. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness.  Professor Goldman of LUPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain ‘s deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time.
Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country comes forward.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £19 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Conservative Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford Muslim City win FA Cup Final, beating Halifax Hindu Hornets 4-1.

On a lighter note.  During one of my many beer fuelled discussions over the weekend, we got talking about MILF’s and GILF’s before the conversation turned to every letter in the alphabet and what that could mean – when was the last time you heard a woman use the term DILF?  We got stuck on a few though – particularly X and Z. I am of course open to suggestions but xylophone and zebra will not cut the mustard so please don’t try.

Shame on those that never made it – especially the Cooper sisters – tutt tutt !

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11/03/2013

Thermal Shock

By hairygoose

Some things creep up on you, like old age, or as my missus so kindly pointed out the other day, the 1 very grey, nay white hair on my head (or to pronounce that correctly in American speak ‘gray’)

My average daytime temperatures have taken a plunge like never before.  This time last week, my daytime temps were in the 30’s with the nights getting chilly at just 26ºC.  Back in blighty, Monday morning and I am seeing snow snow snow and a temperature hovering just around freezing at best.  Old bones don’t like the chilly cold.  I was looking forward to getting out of the heat for a while but now I am beginning to regret my keeness to do so.  Walking this morning was in a wooly hat and gloves, its been a long time since I did that.  I am not looking forward to my run this evening but thankfully it is only a short run, and at a fast pace so should get up to temperature quickly.

Jet lag is almost dealt with – couldn’t get to sleep until after midnight last night and then of course didn’t want to get out of bed at 06:30 this morning but I reckon by tomorrow morning I should be fine.

The car simply is lush.  Currently I would say well worth the expense.  Comfort, safety and not too shabby on the fuel for a big lump either.

I would like to thank Virgin Atlantic yet again for another superb flight.  I am not sure how they do it but they just get it right, and the bit I don’t understand, they do it without turbulance.  There were so many choices of stuff to watch, I still had 3 movies to go when I landed.  I wanted to stay on the plane longer and watch them but they threatened to call security if I didn’t leave.  I also managed a free exit seat, not sure how that happened.

What really gets my goat though is when short arsed people ask for extra leg room seats.  Lets be honest, they don’t need them.  Maybe it’s their way of showing off to the rest of economy – ‘look at us, we can afford an extra $40 for our seats’.  There was a couple ahead of me asking for the leg room seats and they were short (and rotund).  I was thinking, really, do you need it?  I saw them later sitting in the departure lounge, these two were so small, their feet hardly touched the ground while they were sitting on the seats – why would they need more leg room?  Let’s have a minimum height of 6 feet tall before you can ask for a leg room seat – please lobby your MP today.

Hurrah for Virgin Atlantic anyway

Lastly, hello to Susan.  Not forgotten from my last bunch of hellos.

 

 

 

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01/03/2013

Dem black girls, dey like my little ting ting

By hairygoose

Firmly stuck in the 90’s I am very pleased to say.  Hit the dizzying heights of 90.8 kgs today after what felt like at best, a mediocre week of concentrating on my food intake.  Of course, I managed all of my interval training and have completed the first month of it now.  I was happily amused to see those figures when I stared down towards my feet, held my huge penis over to one side, and then I could see the digits on display.

I would at this stage like to thank AC/DC (both Brian and Bon), The Prodigy, Sister bliss and one particular track by Annie Lennox that had me bounding like a gazelle up hill on the homeward stretch – the song ‘keep young and beautiful’ had such apt lyrics and a perfect upbeat rhythm to get me up that hill.   Music can make a run much more fun.  The Prodigy or Distillers when you really want your heart pounding on the inside of your rib cage trying to get out.  AC/DC if you want to run with a smile on your face because of the lyrics or an old old classic by Faithless – Reverence (kiss me neck) – that song just blew my mind on the way back from the catamaran club the other week.  I couldn’t get my ear buds far enough in my ears for that one.

As a non believer in all this app nonsense, I am converted.  The interval training has made me a stronger runner in the space of a month, I can feel the difference. The hills here are very hard work but it is all paying off.  I have also been playing squash again, and as yet, I am unbeaten.  In fact, I am yet to loose a single game, let alone a match.  This is, as most squash players will know, in part due to my skill level but also having a fitness level above any of my opponents.  I even played a game last night were two of my opponents came on the court together to play against me.  I was 4-1 up when the lights went out.

Fit as a butchers dog !

The big black momma that works on the security gate here is a funny old bird.  I always have a smile and a few words for her when I pass in the car.  She has also taken to lifting the barrier for me when I am cycling too.  The other day, she was busy chatting with one of her friends when I approached. In line with european law (yawn) I have a bell, I gave it a little ring and she jumped to open the gate for me.  Her friend was highly amused saying in her best Caribbean accent – ‘he got a little ting ting’.  It was like having the Lilt ladies in real life.  They got all giggly on me after that – I wonder why ?

Things are looking up on the generator front too – but I am reluctant to speak too soon.

Holidays are nearly upon me – jetting off to Europe next week. My wonderful woman has also arranged an xbox games night for me when I am back in Brussels – that’s not a bad deal! I might even ask her to drop me off in the middle of the forest with my running shoes, a map and a compass and see if I can beat her home.  I also finally get my hands on that Range Rover that I have owned for over a month now.

I have to work tomorrow (Saturday) but a small price to pay for having the rest of the month off – will also give me time to get tidy again and get everything up to full speed before my relief cover arrives on Sunday afternoon.  If I am lucky, I will get my last dive on Sunday.  I may get a chance in St Lucia but I am not holding my breath (no pun intended).

If you are one of the chosen few who are joining me for a beer on the 16th – I will see you there.  If you are missing out, shame on you.

A few hello’s – Max, where are you ? Musher down there in Bristol (said that with a west country accent), Connor – for constantly amusing me with emails, sometimes even arousing me with them. Stevie B – you can have the Rangie when I get eaten by a shark.  I have been wondering lately what happened to Karen Thornham down under in Oz , Lexa in South Africa, Verity McCoy and of course the bird patiently waiting in Brussels

And a special mention to the Cooper sisters and Monica ca ca ca ca

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