You’re gonna need it !!!
Author Archives: hairygoose
Guns don’t kill people – Rappers do
Am I the first person ever to fall asleep while inserted into an MRI scanner? The noise and vibrations were so harmonic, I actually nodded off for a while.
She said it was a 40 minute session but I don’t believe her, I think she short changed me. For the first time in 21 years, I had to pull my ring out – not what you are thinking…..!
Surprisingly, that ring section is hollow. I thought it was a solid pin but hollow ends can’t be all that hygienic. I did also ask the nurse why you can’t put metal inside the scanner. She laughed and said it would stick to the sides and never come out. You would be pretty screwed if you had artificial joints now wouldn’t you.
Anyway, lets talk a little more about Qatar. Interesting place, lots of Indians, Kenyans and Philippinos in the workforce. it’s all very very polite and friendly too. Clean as you like apart from the desert sand. If shopping is your thing ladies – there is Mall after Mall after Mall. Very westernised – there are many times when it feels and looks just like Florida. Petrol is cheap, around a quarter of the price in Europe.
Lots of work happening in preparation for the World Cup, a new underground system is under construction as we speak with tunnelling just finishing last month, major road improvements too – but still the place is two thirds empty. I also got my temporary driving licence
You might think that my name is Wayne Thunder from that – but it’s not! I was also not born in 1922. That said, they did give me a 4.0 ltr Toyota to spunk around in, and a 75 ltr per week fuel allowance – not too shabby I guess.
So I guess all that’s left for me to do now is sign off with something smart and witty – problem is, I am feeling neither of those this evening. For us, the weekend is here. Friday and Saturday are the weekend, Sunday a normal working day. So Thursday evening and guess which fool is on watch? Still, all being well, at 8am tomorrow morning I could be stood down for the weekend.
Let me leave you with a little something from back in the day from Goldie Lookin Chain
Cold Feet
Imagine my anticipation. Flying out of Birmingham Airport on the 19th October, heading to Qatar for the first time. The legendary customer service that you might expect from Qatar Airlines coupled to the fact that I would be flying on the new(ish) Boeing Dreamliner for the first time. The dreamliner – for those that don’t know, is cutting edge carbon fibre construction. Now, translating the phrase ‘cutting edge’ into my engineering mindset, I get the phrase ‘new in the market’ or to put it another way ‘not yet proved to stand the tests and rigours of time and flight’.
So, I wandered up to the boarding gate a little ahead of time to get a look at the wee beastie and see if I could calm my nerves some. I peered in the early morning gloom at the front of the aeroplane and saw something that did indeed rattle my cage somewhat.
See, call me old fashioned, call me what you will, aluminium repair tape has its place in the world, I agree, and have often used it, normally around exhaust joints etc etc etc. Never in my wildest dreams would I think of using it on a vehicle that travels at 35,000 feet in excess of 500 mph – least of all, would I expect to see it holding the pilots window in place on the latest Boeing Dreamliner – but by christ, that is what I saw.
Yeah – this was going to be the longest 6 hours of my life. Except it wouldn’t be. It turned out to be 7 hours. Apparently the incoming flight had a Mini Cooper in its hold and the cargo boys at Birmingham were having some trouble getting it out again, so I sat at the gate for an hour biting my nails.
My excitement and apprehension was cut short though. I have a problem with airlines – none in particular, they are all the same. Being 6’3” I struggle with leg room. Most airlines combat this by taking an extra £50 or so out of my wallet for letting me sit in the exit row seat (also very handy for being the first out if something does go wrong). Except on this flight, and my return leg, all those exit row seats have been reserved by 5 foot midgets. An extra problem on the Dreamliner as there is something the size of an xbox under all seats, with the exception of the middle seat. It stands in the inside edge of the seat leg, effectively reducing the width of the space under the seat in front – or in more simple terms, the space where you want to put your feet is reduced and now to combat the Xbox installation, you have to sit crooked in your seat for 6, if not 7 hours.
Now, without getting off topic, this is one of my biggest gripes with modern world. People keep selling us upgrades, better services, more comfort, faster response times, more overhead locker space etc – but who the fucking hell thought that it would be a good idea to wedge these metal boxes under the seat exactly where 6 people in each and every row want to put their feet?
Personally I never travel with a bag that tests the weight limit of the overhead bins, I would much prefer a little less up there in favour of more leg room at my seat. I can’t imagine anyone in the world would agree with Boeing designers on this one – with a few exceptions – Hipsters and Apple Lemmings, because we all know that Hipsters and Apple Lemmings just have to wank on continuously about how good all things modern and diverse are – the fuckers !
Moan over. Now, I have added a few photographs from a recent visit to Portugal so do pop across to the photo section and take a little look. Nothing spectacular, but all the same, have a look.
And Finally
Cold Feet – I just watched the last of the current series (courtesy of my newly acquired VPN, I can now watch all the UK TV while globe trotting).
Think back 15 years or so when Cold Feet first came about – It was astounding back then. It was one of those TV programs that when it was on, you were always home to watch it. Never missed, and always planned for, it was an epic from a good time in life. The whole country used to talk about it. Sure, there were others – 30 something from the 80’s, ER in the 90’s, Six Feet Under in the 00’s, but this was just better, home grown better, and Faye Ripley with that Manchester accent used to (and still does) drive me wild.
For me, it picks up perfectly where the last series finished over a decade ago. The characters have grown older perfectly and it still makes me feel warm inside – like a good glass of red and block of chocolate.
So I was sad to see the last one go tonight but then I remembered that it has been commissioned for a second series so I am happy again. Tra La Laa
Now really and finally
16 year olds do not have the right to use the phrase ‘back in the day’. Come on, back in the day means at least half your life ago – so when you are 40 and you say back in the day, you are referring to the period in your life when you were 20. I just don’t see anything that could have happened that was so memorable for an 8 year old that they need to recall it with their adolescent plebs.
Oh yeah back in the day when we used to buy penny chews on the way to school….
Now the last really and finally…
If you want to see where I am right now, take a look at the link below. I am in a place called Doha, which is in the Kingdom of Qatar. I am here for a 5 week gig, working on a boat that is moored at a place called Porto Arabia on The Pearl. They were kind enough to supply me with a Toyota 4×4, a fuel allowance for the car and a massive, and I mean mah-hoosive apartment on The Pearl overlooking the Lagoon and the City beyond. There is more than enough room here for John and Mon to come and stay – I actually think Rue might even manage it!
It’s all in the cards – I swear.
Honestly, I had forgotten just how fecking windy Sagres can be. Its blowing a hooligan here, to hard to go surf on the west coast and there is no swell down south. Thankfully myself and Poopie managed to find an apartment with full AC so we are sitting pretty tonight in the warm dry air of a Portalaia apartment.
We have managed a couple of biking events and some walks too but man alive, it is blowing here. Not sure what we will try tomorrow.
I have noticed a shift in the typical tourist. It has been three years since I was last here so things have changed a little. The house is covered in a jungle – nature is trying to take it back. I have also noticed a shit load of cyclists, bus loads of hikers and even some runners but generally, the average age of the tourist hs increased.
Interesting that. As the age increases, undoubtedly the disposable income also increases so the plans that started several years ago of building more upmarket hotels seems to be paying off. It is also very busy here, which is unusual for the end of September.
I also had a meeting with the local council today. Remember, Sagres is a place where everyone knows everyone so when a cousin of a friend asked about my house, his uncle pulled the files in the local council and noticed why the previous project I submitted was declined.
He asked me in to talk to him where he showed me exactly why the project to build a new house in 2010 was declined. In essence, I needed two aerial photos from the archives for pre 1951 and pre 1980. This will then prove the buildings I have were there at certain times in history and with this proof, I can go back to the council and they will issue a certificate of legalisation for the property. With that certificate, the original project would have been approved. Sadly now, the project has expired but with a new project, there would be no reason not to approve a build.
What really gave me some hope was when the council architect suggested that I make a project and get it built so that we can attract more tourism to the area and loose the old ‘falling down’ image that the area has. All in all, a good feeling about making something new. Who knows what will happen next?
Moving on – I had a tarot session the other night. Now, while I would not dismiss the black art of Tarot, I am more of a person that wants to see scientific fact before I acknowledge something. Clearly with Tarot – there is no such evidence.
So, my card reader discussed several interesting cards – make of this what you will.
I am at a crossroads with my career and looking at several options right now. The Tarot reader is a personal friend of mine so knows a bit about me. The spooky thing was, the card that told her this was a picture of a man looking out to sea at 4 ships. Spooky huh?
Not spooky enough? well try this.
The money card showed its face several times. This got me thinking. I have had a couple of emails from Camelot this last week about winning lottery tickets. See, while I am out of the UK I can’t access my lottery account so maybe I have hit the jackpot and wont find out for another week?
OK, maybe I am not the latest millionaire. I share a post office box here in Sagres with some friends. They keep my mail safe until I manage to get back here. In amongst the 30 something unopened water bills was a new cash point card for my local bank here, and I could still remember the PIN number – Spooky huh?
BUT IT GETS BETTER……:!!!!!!!
Back in January 2015 I applied (again) for some Amex cards in $ & €. My super helpful wealth manager told me that there was a problem and I couldn’t have them. At the time – I was more than fucked off with her – turns out she was something of a knob, so I left it alone and decided not to pursue it.
Low and behold – amid all of those unopened bills were four letters from Amex. Two letters giving PIN numbers for each card and two more with statements. I called Amex and they confirmed the accounts are still open and if I wish, I can have new cards.
Holy crap !!!!! and I haven’t even checked my lottery account yet.
The cards also suggested that the best of the new jobs was a job in Qatar for 5 weeks – strangely enough, it was my favourite too.
So it looks like I will be in Doha soon.
Watch your Pilchards !!
Holidays ending again. I am now half way across France on my way back to Cannes after a weeks holiday. What was billed as a holiday did in fact feel nothing like it – every day was frantic with either repairing my latest acquisition (Volvo V40) or packing boxes and taking them to storage ahead of Lana’s move to Colombia and giving up the house in Hilmorton.
2017 continues to be a year crammed with chapter changes. The happier of which is I am glad to say that after a 2 month stay in hospital, Uncle Dennis is finally back at home and on the mend. The old fella had us all worried for a while there but he is a tough old bugger and will probably outlive me!
After nearly two and a half years onboard of Pink Gin, I have finally quit. The biggest problem of working on boats, I have always found, is politics, and this one finally got the better of me. That said, it now hits the record books as my longest term employed on a single vessel.
So now I have some choices to make, which way to turn, where to go. My favourite at the moment is a role based out of Seattle. That boat travels to Alaska in the summer and Costa Rica in the winter – private use only. It’s a good time to be getting paid in $ too.
I leave Pink Gin on 22nd September and will head directly down to Portugal to see what is left of my house. I haven’t seen it in three years now so this will be an interesting visit. A week or so of surfing, running and mountain biking should sort me right out. Who knows, I might even stay there for the winter and get back on with some studies.
The other closing chapter this month will be myself and Lana. After 6 years we have both decided to call it a day. She will leave for Colombia at the end of October to start her new chapter in Bogotá. I have decided not to go. It is certainly fair to say that we have both changed over the last 6 years and now clearly want different things from our lives. I am glad to say the split has been amicable and mutual and I wish her well.
I can’t help but think that one person will have a small sigh of relief at that news. Auntie Jen strangely enough. One of the very few people that knew my true feelings on many things. She always used to ask me if I was happy and how was my love life in such a sincere and inquisitive way that I could never withhold the truth. She was aware of my growing unease in my relationship. Now, I am not saying she disapproved of my choice in partner but she knew I was not happy and like any good Auntie would, she wanted to see me at the top of my game. I miss her.
Now, let me take you all back a week or so. On my mammoth road trip from Cannes to Rugby I have the music on random when an old INXS song came on. Nostalgia is a funny thing, things were good for nearly everyone when these guys were around. Anyway, I had the most random thought as I listened to the song below, wondering if Sir Bob Geldof ever listens to INXS and if he does, what does he think about it all?
This time next week, I will be back in the town where this blog began over 10 years ago!
Positive Mental Attitude
Don’t worry, I haven’t ben affected by one of those ‘life coaches’ or anything else pathetic like that but i have decided to perk myself up a little. Lots going on at the moment and add to that a job that is getting a little long in the tooth and I have to say I have become way too grumpy for my own good, so I have decided to pick myself up every morning with a few american style ‘whoos’ at good volume, followed by the words ‘P-M-A dude’ and the occasional ‘fuck yeah’ to finish it off.
It makes me smile but annoys the shit out of those around me. I even find myself saying it in the car when confronted with the local spanish fuckwits. It works too – try it for yourself next time you want to rage at someone.
I have a few photos to share with you while I am PMA’ing. Been flying an awful lot this last month. I have sampled the delights of both Monarch Airlines and also the tedium of Ryanair. Now Monarch, I really like. The prices are not mental, their planes in good nick and their staff are always really good. I was a bit miffed though the other week when crossing the Alps and the co-pilot came out of the cockpit to use the toilet. Remember that German Wings flight that plunged into the Alps the other year? Well, I thought that since then, all airlines had adopted a policy of always two people in the cockpit. Not Monarch it would seem. As their customer service kindly pointed out to me in an email – the two at all times policy was a recommendation and not law so they weren’t doing it. So I switched to Ryanair. A little cheaper, a little less classy and a little less on time. Both of last weeks flights were at least an hour late, the return leg getting to an hour and a half behind.
I am a firm subscriber to the notion of ‘better late than never’ when flying. Ryanair play that shite little fanfare when they land on time or ahead of schedule – you may have noticed. What you also may have noticed is that they also publish longer flight times than their rivals for identical flights – sneaky feckers aren’t they?
So this time – no fanfare, praise the lord but as you can see below, a late departure and then to add insult to injury, we get overtaken by an Easyjet plane – damn Ryanair you tight fuckers, burn some extra fuel and catch up some of the time you lost!
Now, all said and done, lets talk about Range Rover Sport and the Land Rover Dealer network. Been a thorn in my side for a while now, whenever I take my car to the dealer, it costs a grand. Never more, never less, always a fecking grand. I called them last week to make a booking to have some work done. One of the things I asked them to do was tell me how much a new key would be. One of my keys is worn badly on the unlock button. So bad the casing has cracked and is exposing the electronics to the atmosphere. I asked for a price and the rather smug fucker at the dealer said, ……wait for it……….£250 – I was gob smacked.
£250 for a key – get lost !. I scoured eBay and found a new shell. All I had to do was cut the old unit apart, remove the electronics and fit them inside the new key – easy !!!
Damn right it was easy – for a first timer, it took me about 20 minutes. Comparing the two keys (genuine and aftermarket) it is hard to see the difference, in fact, I think the new one is better
And here’s the best bit – not £250 like the Dick Turpin dealer wanted, no. A modest £5.95 delivered from eBay. Yes, not a typo, five pounds and ninety five pence, delivered in two days flat – job done
My Range Rover is ace – the dealer network is just shite.
Now tonight, I would like to end with a little bit of nostalgia. Some of you may be familiar with a spectacularly good program called ‘Modern Family’. It’s ace isn’t it ? One of the main characters on that program is a guy I know better as Al Bundy from Married with Children ( also showing the extremely hot young Christina Applegate). A superb comedy from a time before the politically correct brigade gained some seats in the Houses of Parliament. Anyway, tonight I found a montage of Al Bundys best insults and it actually made me LOL so I thought I should share. I genuinely did LOL too, I am not just typing that for effect – I LOL’d and you will too, I promise
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/al-bundys-best-insults/84992638/
A day in pictures
I didn’t feel like writing too much today so I thought I would add some pictures to help out. Remember when you were at school and the teacher gave you a written assignment that had to be at least 1 full page of A4? I used to space out my words a bit more. Always got busted. I was never an A grade student but that was exactly the kind of cunning that made me the spectacular engineer that I am today.
Lets start on a happy note – recently grabbed a bargain on eBay – a pair of tyres for the mountain bike for less than £30 delivered. Sexy tread pattern, two tone black and grey.
Nice eh? and is that my very sexy Range Rover in the background ? Oh what a shot !
The next three photos are all in the category of ‘Is their any hope left for the human race?’
I snapped the first one on the train last week to Coventry. A north bound train that had originated in London. I got on and sat at a 4 seater table that had 3 spare seats – can you tell why?
A full size iMac taking up most of the table. I thought those London City slickers were supposed to be smart? I was going to show him my laptop and suggest that there were more portable versions available now but then I thought no, he must be a banker.
Smokers outside the Hospital doors?
How fucking mental do you have to be to push your drip outside to have a smoke? Maybe that drip is full of brain cells?
Now finally, the most serious of them all. A triple X rated fright – the scariest thing you will see in a long time, American politics. I heard a political commentator today on TV suggesting that neither of the current candidates for American President are that popular but these two are particularly frightening – look at their faces, would you trust this pair?
Look at them for a minute – they look like they just finished licking clean the inside of the windows on their special bus and have now been let loose on the exterior. Holy fuck I would be shitting myself if I were American. If Trump wins, he will piss off half of the world, if Clinton wins she looks like she might try and eat the other half! I wonder if Jeffrey Dahmer will be drafted in on her presidential election campaign? Kaine looks fucking mental !!!!
That by the way is a genuine screen grab from my phone I took while reading the BBC during this mornings dump.
The only real hope for America with this one is for the electorate to agree NOT to go and vote and Obama stay in office until a suitable challenger can be found. I suspect though, Bill would sneak out in the middle of the night and vote for Trump.
Los tiempos van cambiando
Pika Chuuuuuuu
Ok, I am sorry, I admit it – I downloaded my version of the app yesterday. Tried playing but their servers were too busy to register me so had my first game today, and would you believe it, there was a damn Pokemon on the aft deck !!
I soon finished that one off and plan a walk around Palma tomorrow morning to look for more of the little critters. Most likely finishing up at Cappuchinos where a very juicy slice of carrot cake will be waiting for me.
I had a little trip back in blighty the other weekend. One thing I was keen to do was catch up with Top Gear to see if it was as bad as all the media were saying. Now let me get my initial bias out of the way immediately – I think Chris Evans is an annoying little gob shite, never have liked him, never will.
Armed with my prejudice, I watched my first show – it also happened to be the last in their current series. Something struck me immediately. I had watched Clarkson, May and Hammond and gradually grown bored with their predictable presenting and delivery style. What I hadn’t bargained for was just how scripted Top Gear was. The new guys were delivering the same lines with the same emphasis, same facial expressions, pauses, body language etc etc as the old three did. That surprised and saddened me. I was sad because I thought that the style that the old presenters worked in, was their own personal style – apparently not. The BBC had hoodwinked me.
Top Gear had grown long in the tooth a long time ago. The best bits, the only bits really worth watching were the specials – watching those 3 old guys squirming in the real world, would always be funny. So for me, when it ended, it was just inevitable really. The new guys, you can easily match up with the old 3 – Clarkson/Evans, Le Blanc/Captain Slow, Hammond/Reid.
Sabine was absolutely first class, especially when she looked into that Mini rally car at Le Blanc and said ‘look at the fat American’.
I wonder if anyone has told Chris Evans that pixie boots went out of fashion in the 80’s?
So now we wait for the new offering from the old stable. If they have been smart, they will have changed the format. The fact that they will present from a different place each time makes me think they have been shrewd and may even pull it off. As for the old Top Gear, drop an axe on it – Le Blanc is no good as a front man and that style is now old hat – reinvent or bury.
Ok, running – or lack of it. Still suffering from a knee injury that means I haven’t ran for over a month now. Making up for that with cycling every day but climbing a mountain is tough in 31º heat, even worse in direct sunlight. Maybe tomorrows Pokemon hunt will help entertain me or better still, a snorkel session at one of the local beaches could be good. One thing I know for sure – the carrot cake will be sublime.
Apart from that – we are almost done here in Palma, returning to the South of France next month.
The November Archives 