some things will always be funny.

 

of course, i am talking about farts! whether silent but deadly or complete rippers.

 

i remember well, when i was just 13, having german lessons at school, and an old school chum called paul hobley was reading a passage in german that started with ‘my father’ or in german, ‘mein farter’. Now they say the secret to good comedy is timing, well. the young mr hobley timed his to perfection. immediately after reading the words ‘mein farter’ he let one go. it was perfect. the old school rooms at lawrence sherriff school were high and echoey, the school desk combo’s were old and wooden, the resulting tommy squeeker sent ripples of guffaws throughout the class, all except for ms dunn, the teacher, and young mr hobley who managed to read his passage faultlessly.

 

then some 20 or so years later, i happened to be in dublin with the likes of Mr Clifton, Mr Brown and Mr Collins. we were fortunate enough to be staying in a very prim guesthouse just north of the river. the guest house was period georgian i am guessing, high ceilings and heavy terracotta tiles on the floors. as we sat in the breakfast room one morning in the ‘silence of strangers’ eating our breakfast, Mr Brown let out a ‘semi moist over old oak’ morning trumpet that echoed around the walls before bouncing off them and echoeing around them once more. As the other guests were frowning their disgust and mumbling under their breath, I , sadly, was the only one that couldn’t keep a straight face and so they channelled their frowns directly at me.

 

moving on to modern times, just the other night i was glad to be of assistance to jess. while we were cuddled up in bed, i started to giggle. curious, she asked what i was laughing about, i just kept laughing. Of course she asked again………….i just kept on laughing until suddenly i whipped the duvet up above both of our heads, then slammed it down firmly again so that we were encased like mummies. Yep, i had let one go of course, hence my laughter but it seems that the young ms daniels had heard of this kind of behavour but dismissed it as folklore, i am of course glad to be able to help dismiss urban myths

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ok, as i thought, inspiration wouldnt be far away once i returned to this drug infested shag island.

 

so tonight as i am driving home from collecting my car, i notice the guy in the lane next to me is going to cross over and crash into me so i give him a quick blast on my horn ( no, not my cock). i was of course in the right lane and not changing so he was clearly in the wrong.

 

so kind of him to wave a finger at me and give me some advice from behind his closed window.

 

i carried on driving until he came along side me at the next set of lights where he dropped his window and proceeded to give me more advice in spanish. it was at this precise point that i thought i should test his understanding of the english language and returned his banter with

 

‘ fuck off you stupid spanish cunt’

 

clearly he spoke no english, my windows were wide open and so were his. after that i tried my spanish on him and told him,

 

it’s easy, you use your indicator!

 

i think he understood that because he zoomed off in his little penis extension not to bother me any more. this i thought, would be the end of my encounters for my journey home but no such luck.

 

the local coke heads have a unique way of funding their habits here. they wait in the car parks until it is free to park, then as you aproach jump in front of you waving their arms like a rabid arab at the nearest parking space hoping you will take it and give them a buck for their troubles………………not tonight sunshine!!!!!  he jumped out, i didn’t steer, i didnt brake, he jumped back in quicker than he jumped out, i shouted ‘fuck off you twat’ at the top of my voice, cruised past him and into a bay three places down.

 

god bless this little island

 

pleased to say that i made it back to mallorca safe and sound, all in one piece. after leaving palma on the 5th september, we finally arrived back here on the 21st, 16 days later.  The trip north took around 12 hours in total, three different flights from spain to denmark, denmark to norway then the last flight north into the arctic circle to a military airfield come airport, a shared runway with F15’s.  the temperature when i left mallorca was 35 degrees. 12 hours later, in the arctic we faced temperatures of just 14 degrees. chilly for me but positively summer for the local norwegians.

 

we stayed for a day in Bodo and prepared the boat for the trip. the current engineer took me through a hand over as he was leaving the boat after a couple of days in bergen and then we were set to leave.

 

we pushed off from bodo in good time, hoping to head south and catch good weather on the way down. around 24 hours into the trip (vague i know but i lost all track of time ) while i was on watch with one of the other crew, we managed to blow out a stay sail at 04.30 . a little dramatic but not a major problem, we just had to haul it back out of the water, relatively straight forward with all of the crew on deck. as we were heaving, the sea pulled the sail away from us and one of the crew was caught between the sail and the safety wire, almost severing a thumb clean off. suddenly i was aware of just how vulnerable we were. The injured were tended to below while the rest of us hauled the sail in and made it safe. Skipper altered course for Trondheim and also called a life boat to meet us to take the injured crew off to hospital. a couple of hours later, the rescue boat reached us and we transfered two crew across. as they sped off toward trondheim and a waiting ambulance, we plodded on at our normal pace.

 

we made trondheim a few hours later and made repairs to the boat where the stay sail had broken and also some damage to our hull where we came into contact with the rescue boat. we also said goodbye to the normal engineer and hello to another member of the delivery crew.

 

A day later, we refuelled and headed off south once more, cruising through some amazing norwegian scenery.

 

when we finally hit the north sea, i was in awe at the amount of oil rigs, and also educated as to how far south they actually went. i always thought the north sea was above scotland but i had a well overdue geography lesson. we sailed the full length of the east coast of the UK and passed through the channel in the dead of night heading for the northern tip of france and beyond biscay.

 

For many years, i had been told that biscay was a formidable place. i was a little aprehensive about crossing it, we would be exposed for two days, a long way from land but in reality, it was a beautifully calm place. i have no doubt it could cut it rough but for my first crossing, it was almost flat calm, a water skiiers dream.  it was here that our first stow away appeared, a small bird on the aft deck, absolutely exhausted from his travels so i fed and watered the little blighter so that he could continue on its way.

 

we were heading into northern spain, basque territory, to re-fuel when we hit thick fog. scary shit! visibility just metres in front of us and the same to the side. navigation purely by radar and the AIS system. of course we made it safely to harbour and refuelled but hit the fog again as we left to continue south.

 

soon we would be cruising the portuguese coastline and for the first time ever, i saw my home from the water. Cape St Vincent and the lighthouse, the cliffs at the end of europe, sagres and the rolling hills up to my house were all visible.

 

I also saw gibraltar for the first time, albeit covered in thick smog from all of the shipping that was waiting there.

 

we then had to plug across the med, which i did think would be the easy leg of the journey but it appeared to be the heaviest section. with the wind on the nose and a wind swelled sea, we had to slow down a little but it was still a lumpy sea, the boat slamming through the wash, made sleep impossible and hard to concentrate on anything much at all. all at a time when we could feel the end of the journey was close and we were all ready for the shore.

 

finally we made it to my second home in the med and i was glad to see the place, just had to make the boat good then head off to the hotel to meet jess!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1940s, 50s, 60s and 70s !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or

drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese

dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn’t get tested for diabetes. Then

after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright

coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets

 and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention

 the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars

with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van – loose

 was always great fun.

We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.

 We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and

NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cakes, white bread and real

butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight

because……WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as

we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to

reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and

then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After

running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games

at all, no 99 channels on cable,  no video tape movies, no surround

sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers,

no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we

 went outside and  found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were

no lawsuits from these accidents. We played with worms and mud

pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were

told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes. We rode bikes

or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the

bell, or just yelled for them!

Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those

who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

 The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was

unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem

 solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an

explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure,

success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to

grow up as kids, before the lawyers  and the government regulated

 our lives for our own good. and while you are at it, forward it to your

 kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?! 

 

ok, read this one well, read it, understand it and digest it, this will be my last entry for a few weeks while i am sailing with the family green. will quite likely set sail from the arctic circle on wednesday evening, probably as soon as blair and i have boarded the boat and from that point on, no internet, no telephone, nothing. just me, a wally and the rest of the crew.

 

i will promise to wave as we pass england, and to those of you in the algarve, i will also be waving to you too as we round the cape st vincent and head east back to mallorca. i have my thermals, my beanie, my gloves and waterproof sea boots all ready to go. it promises to be an epic adventure and one with many photo opportunities. (www.nariida.com)

 

anyhow, lets get back to reality for a moment, co-efficient chicks. the eagle eyed amongst you will have noted two very welcomed notes on my previous entry for co-efficient women. Both of these entries i am pleased to say are not only both from co-efficeient women but also both in approval of that passage. in addition to that, and further proving my theory completely, one weighs in with a whopping double D, the other, a perfectly formed B. now this is where the theory really applies itself. obviously there was potential for me to be proved wrong with the non lineal theory applied to this but my years of research have stood me well, from B to DD, the theory i alive and kicking. Please all say Hi to Mrs. Miggins and her pies, and a long term reader aunty blem blem

 

I am also glad to say that i have no borderline cases emailled to me for confirmation which must also mean that women are clearly, or absolutely not, co-efficient, there seems to be no middle or confused ground, however, if you are s till confused, you can ask me all you need to know at coefficientwomen@hotmail.com or from 5 until 6 pm gmt i will host a live chat room for those who still are unsure. just add me to messenger at the same address, send me a cheque or postal order for five johnny english pounds and chat away.

 

the competition for the free BMW is going well. the site has close to 17000 readers since its birth some two and a half years ago when i left england. Yes i can tell who reads it. it varies from between 50 and 250 reads per week so the BMW could be won as soon as early as november so keep reading.  i can’t tell who reads the footnotes or not though so i may create a new competition just for the footnote readers

 

on a much ligher note i am getting bored with the temperature here, mid thirties and higher every day, it really is getting me down. i can’t wait to get to the chillier climes of northern norway to feel the ice on my bones. the boat is a safe haven from tourists, we just have to dodge super tankers instead.

 

be sure to leave a note in my visitors book while i am gone, its always good to see new faces there. and if you do visit this space, please be sure to set your security settings so that i can also read your space too…………..i cant believe there are still people out there that read spaces and block their own………..what is wrong with you?

 

 

 

 

 

it is so hot here, just a five minute walk leaves you sweaty and sticky. and withing the next 8 days i will be in the north of norway, inside the artic circle where it is freezing bloody cold! in my luggage, i have shorts and t shirts, fleeces and wooly hats, the contrast will be nipply to say the least.

 

I am leaving palma on wednesday 5th september and sailing from a place called Bodo in the north of norway, heading down past england, around the top of france, across the bay of biscay, all the way down the west coast of portugal before turning east and then heading across the algarve and towards gibraltar and finally into the med and back to palma.

 

will then have around a month to prepare the boat and sail it to the canaries and from there, it will be a race to the caribbean, so a busy rest of year for me.

 

i am feeling a good moan coming on this week so be sure to come back soon for what is sure to be an epic read

 

so i made it in one piece. a mad blast across spain and hit valencia just after 7pm. went to buy a ferry ticket and the guy asked me if i wanted a ticket for the sea cat that was already loading. i bought the ticket and drove on the cat, and they closed the door behind me, it was that close! 

 

I sat in my chair, thinking how much money i had. I hadnt had time to go to the bank in valencia and i had just 8 euros to last me until i got to palma. thankfully, the prices on the boat were not a rip off. i managed two coffees, a can of coke and a baguette with fresh tortilla and still had change.

 

Then, absolute bonus, superman returns started on the boats tv system so i picked up my gear and moved forward to see the screen better. got comfy and was looking foreward to the crossing when suddenly the actors started speaking……….bummer!  see, in portugal, they subtitle all of the english speaking stuff but in spain, they dub absolutely everything and with the speed they go, i had no chance in working out what was being said, so i sat in my chair as the ocean gently rocked away beneath me.

 

It is kind of comforting to feel the boat gently rock, better than flying. I mean, if the boat sinks, at least i can swim, if a plane stops flying, well your pretty much shagged unless you are actually superman. so i pulled out my trusty iPod and snuggled down. At midnight, i arrived in palma again.

 

Pleased to see that my readership this week has suddenly taken a huge jump. amazing what happens when you offer a free BMW to people. 125 visits today alone.

 

I woke this morning to the sound of thunder. yep, mallorca in august and thunder storms with heavy rain. also rained again this evening with a slight rumble of thunder, so you see it is true – the rain in spain stays mainly on the wayne

 

now check this out, jake made me feel very old the other day. i was talking on the phone when he told me that he has a date for his driving test. if he passes, he has agreed to drive me to my sisters 40th birthday party! doesnt that make you feel old, when your son offers to drive you somewhere!

 

and now check this out, i thought i could make a gift of my car to him so i punched in some details on direct line and also on elephant.co.uk. so direct line came on at 2500 for comp cover, dropping 60 quid if you down grade to third party, elephant wanted 6500 quid……oh my god!

 

 

and lastly, today i heard of the killing of the eleven year old boy shot in liverpool. sad. i also watched jimmy tarbuck doing an interview for sky ( well he is a scouser too) finally someone had the balls to say on tv that there is no deterent in our current legal system to punish offenders properly people see how easy the penal system is on offenders and are happy to take that route. good old jimmy even suggested national service again. he also commented on the murderer of steven lawrence being released and the bullshit around the human rights crap too. we all know what needs to happen. stop pandering to the bullshit politicians that are too afraid to hit out hard at these scum suckers that ruin your society

 

locked and loaded and ready to hit the road again in the morning at around 7am. A full 23 hours later, i will be in palma once more, but only for a short while before catching a plane and heading to Norway. 

 

so let me sound off a little. i have been reading some english press this week. it always makes me chuckle. i read with interest that the youth that stabbed head teacher steven lawrence to death some 12 or so years ago has been saved extradition back to italy because it breeches his human rights! oh yeah, you all know what i am about to say. what human rights does that immigrant deserve ? stabbing a teacher that was protecting one of his students, the little fucker should be castrated and left on the village square in the stocks to slowly bleed to death or be stoned by the locals. and guess what, after serving half of his life sentence he will be eligable for early release next year, and of course, he is a completely reformed character

 

I also read of a man arrested and taken into custody after a burgler fell from one of his windows and hurt himself badly. FUCK OFF!!! surely common sense suggests that if the stupid little thieving bastard hadnt gone into someone elses property, he would never have got hurt. both home owner and thief were released without charge…….where is the justice in that?

 

and finally, amid stringent air security, a 7 year old lad from up north caused a major terrorist alert at two american airports recently. The poor little fella shared a name with a known terrorist and this was flagged up on the pre flight security checks. All was resolved albeit with a delay to the travelling family, it is good to know that all of this additional security actually works. The parents of the boy are now considering changing his name, yep that should do it, i bet by now, every known terrorist has changed theirs too!

 

Doh !!

 

I also found out today that i have registered as a resident as far as tax purposes are concerned. that was good news for me, it means i have a 2 year waiver on any capital gains tax should i sell my house. At 25%, that is a good saving but i have to lump all of the profit into my next purchase to avoid paying anything at all, but i dont see that being a problem.

 

last night while checking my car over before i leave, i noticed a water leak inside the car. great. a problem a day before i am due to leave. a quick fix this morning and all was well, at least well enough to get me to spain. i will leave the car at the local garage there for full repair while i am away, that will solve the problem of finding somewhere to store it too.

 

Finally today the wind dropped, and is due to drop even more tomorrow. this is so funny. i spent the whole summer here amid howling winds and gales without a decent wave in sight, now i am leaving , all things look to change for the better. damn.

 

anyway, looks like i will be busy now with nariida until new year so wont be back for a while. i have a two week break in november but i have to yet decide where to spend it. i can return to portugal, stay in the canaries or head to the caribbean and wait for the boat to arrive. i could also stay on the boat for the race across the atlantic.  your thoughts are appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

this morning i was woken by a telephone call at 10.30. i grabbed my phone and saw the caller id ‘Nariida’.

 

so it is time to leave portugal. heading north of oslo where it is likely to be very cold,  i have been warned to bring thermals and warm clothes for the trip south.

 

should be an interesting trip too, the wind has been blowing a hoolie for weeks here in portugal so i am expecting a rough time, especially across the bay of biscay.

 

there is one distinct bonus though, i will be sailing past my home in portugal for the very first time ever!

 

I am also meeting with the estate agent before i leave, to see if she can sell my place while i am away.

 

Finally , after three years of being here, i managed to get a post ofice box too. because my house is remote, the post man will not deliver to my door, so while i am away, my mail gets returned to sender as the post office in vila only keep it for a week. so today, i have to contact all of my mail senders and give them my new address, i wonder how that will work out ?

 

so, no time to sit and ponder, have to hit the road on thursday morning, lots to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

sometimes as i ponder life and all that it is about, i make some remarkable discoveries as to life itself. for instance, i am sure you have all heard the term, the meek shall inherit the earth?

well only during 2007 did i realise the irony in this statement and how the joke actually works. this in my 37th year on earth.

my age also makes me feel good about other things, especially over the youth of today.

I can happily work in feet and inches and also metres and centimetres, the youth, no hope, what is an inch? the older generation, ask the opposite question, what is a centimetre

i can read my speedo in kilometers and also work out how long it will take me to cover 100k.

i have also had time to fully appreciate women and all of the forms they come in. tall, thin, short or fat, they all have a certain appeal. i have recently discovered something that will help you all understand the correct proportion of a woman. This , i have for the porpose of the scientific community, called the co-efficient of women. This is a previously undiscovered phenomenon but from this point forward, i am sure it will be entered into every day use

the guide is simple to use and can be applied to all women, with only one exception, pregnant women, they are granted a temporary excemption from this scheme.

when viewed from a side profile, a womans breasts should stick out further from her stomache.

simple i know, but think about this revelation for a moment, it is pure genius!

skinnier chicks tend to have smaller hooters, but as they are skinnier, their smaller ( but still perfectly formed) hu hu’s still protrude further than their super flat bellies.

On the other hand, a ‘bigger boned’ woman will also have larger air bags but still she will be in the right zone of the co-efficient.

now for all of the women out there that are wondering if they fall inside the co-efficient, there is only one way to tell. unfortunately, this co-efficient is not lineal, so i can’t offer you a size to weight graph but if you want to check, simply remove all of your clothes, stand in front of a mirror and hey presto!

For borderline cases, errect nipples are acceptable but for further queries, please send a photo and a stamped addressed envelope to me at coefficientwomen@hotmail.com

i will study any requests carefully and post my answers on this page

 

 

Authors footnote, thanks to Dr Lineke…….women with falsies are immediately disqualified. ladies, if you have silicone, it is because you don’t love yourself enough in your natural state. when this is the case, how can you expect a man to love you for what you are when two parts of you are false ??