It is getting very boring now. I am sure you wont appreciate just what that means so I will try to explain.

 

I have been out in the Caribbean now since the beginning of December last year, it is now march and I still don’t know when or how I am getting home.

 

Ok, initially, being out here wouldn’t be a bind if I knew when I was going to get free time and how much so that I could plan to do things but it just doesn’t work like that.

 

We have now been here for almost three weeks and are none the wiser as to our onward plans but now I do have some time to take an advanced diver course.  It becomes a place to sit and wait, without explanation, without knowing how much work I can do here for fear of being told at the drop of a hat that we are moving. Do I take something apart if it is going to make the boat immobile or make the living conditions of those aboard difficult or uncomfortable.

 

On Thursday last week, the captain gave the go-ahead to begin more serious works on the boat.  On Friday, I started shopping for spares so that I could start servicing all three engines on board.  It took me all day to find oil filters, oil, gasket sealant, impellors, vinyl gloves (yes Russ, I still use them), empty 25 litre drums for draining old engine oil, a gas cylinder and valve and a set of feeler gauges to check valve clearances.  Imagine, you speak no French, how do you ask for a set of feeler gauges?  It took me all day.

 

The situation is really like this, when you have lots of work, you get stuck in, the work gets done and the time passes so quickly.  When things are slow, time drags, you struggle to find things to do and then when there is something to do, it is hard to get motivated.

 

On top of that, I am beginning to find it hard sharing with other people.  Problem is, I find them inconsiderate. I try very hard to make sure I only leave my things on my bunk or wash my cup and dry it after a cup of tea or clearing away all of my breakfast things but every morning when I surface, I can see full ashtrays, tobacco, empty coffee cups and beer cans and even sometimes used teabags sitting on top of the oven or in the sink.

 

Today, I was so hacked off with it that I checked out air france and KLM to see if I could get out..  I even checked recruitment agents to see if there was work elsewhere in the islands.

 

In the last week, an unattended cigarette has fallen into my engine room and landed on a bath towel I use to protect the wooden floors while I am working.  The towel had smouldered away until less than half of it was left before I found it.  Less than a week later, a cigarette burn appears in the cockpit table cover and still smoking is allowed on the boat.  I just don’t get the level of respect that some people have.

 

As an engineer, I set the boat up so that everything runs at its optimum, yet some people will happily mess with what I do and ignore my requests to leave things alone because it doesn’t suit their own personal requirements.

 

It is driving me mad.  There is only one reason why I am tolerating it as best I can. I did give my word to the new captain before his promotion that I would not leave him in the shit , without an engineer after he has taken over the boat.  I like to be true to my word each day I find it increasingly more difficult.

 

So I try to calm myself.  I have had a weekend on watch.  I offered to watch the boat all weekend while the captain was away and also so that I could have time off to complete a dive course.  The list of things I must do to achieve my next level of qualification gets increasingly longer and more expensive and in the back of my mind I still remember paddy Whitelaw’s comments on how boring the blog has become.

 

When I first met paddy, I think he was a little jealous of my footloose and fancy free outlook on life and how I lived.  Recently he suggested that it had now changed and I have to say, he isn’t wrong.

 

I have fallen off that carefree, stressless beach and back onto the treadmill that you all call normal life and I have to say, it fucking stinks!

 

It is full of shallow people that say what they think needs to be heard instead of what they really want to say – you know the type, the phrase I would use is ´corporate cock suckers´.

 

I would much rather be with friends that say ´you look like a twat in that` or `that tastes like shit` rather than be surrounded by `its so beautiful’  or ‘I love this cheese’

 

It is time to get back to the real world

 

Life is so tough at times.  I am stuck in the swealtering heat of Martinique with no idea when we will be leaving for home which is a real drag.

 

and now, now, i have just ran out of PG tea.  What is an englishman supposed to do to get by?

 

ideas on a postcard please.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

click the link to find out how

 

 

Absolutely, mouth wateringly, drop dead gorgeous!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, last night, at a dock party here in Martinique, i had the pleasure of chatting with the most beautiful french girl of all time.

 

Yes of course, all french girls have that certain something but man alive, this one really had it going on.

 

first and foremost – coefficient, that goes without saying, but this girl was also tall and slender.  Now i stand at 6`2“ or 188 for you europeans out there.  she was almost eye height so at least a 6 footer.  long curly hair cascading over those lean bronzed shoulders, lips that any cosmetic surgeon would be proud to put their name to, but these were au naturelle. Her movements were elegant and mesmerising.  As we stood casually chatting, that slight french accent with her spoken english was just perfect, then she tells me she lives in Palma!!!!

 

It just kept getting better, Santa Catalina to be precise, an area i know well, i could hardly believe what i was hearing. 

 

And then she dropped it…………………………like an atomic bomb on hiroshima

 

she lives in palma with the love of her life!!!

 

i went numb, maybe even dumb, i tried to keep talking and smiling so that she would not notice my disappointment, i think i may have got away with it.  I was mortally wounded…

 

A little later on, the french guy i used to share an apartment with in Palma came to say hello.  we got chatting and it turns out that this young french honey is actually the chef on his boat, and not only that but she is now sharing the apartment with him.  At this point, you might say ‘its a small world’ but i was still trying to keep my chin off the floor from her earlier statement.

 

Anyway.  we chatted again before i left, i did manage to get her email address and of course will be sending her a little message when i get back to palma, maybe, maybe i will even be praying that the love of her life dissolves into a distant memory, because a man with integrity NEVER steals.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it´s been a while and i really thought i should have a good old rant and rave about something.  I thought long and hard about what to rant and rave about and could think of sod all.

 

Ok, at first i thought about having a rant about being stuck in the caribbean for months, not knowing when i can leave for home, but then , as the ever so luscious Lisa Melvin pointed out earlier on messenger – i could be stuck in rugby, england, without sunshine and without beaches.  On its own, not a bad place to be but lets be straight about things, caribbean it aint. She is luscious too, damn i wish i had hooked that one good and proper!

 

So i sat pondering and pondering and pondering

 

and then it hit me like a pound of sweaty gusset at mach II.

 

sex

 

yep, sex, good old fashioned S-E-X.  Do you know the last time i had it? no, probably not, but i can remember exactly. October 22nd 2007 at around 13.10.  it took 10 minutes to walk from the boat yard at lunchtime to Jess´s apartment in La Llonca. Now, you might find it strange that i am telling you about this, maybe even more strange that i remember the time and date – well, that was my birthday!!!

 

Oh paddy whitelaw, i bet you are laughing your tits off now!  Even you get it more than that ( or maybe not!!) infact even mason gets more than that and that my chums is a very serious statement to make.

 

so here i am , a proper english gentleman, in my prime, tall, dark , handsome, well hung………and still without woman, and i am not talking about that old paul young and zucherro track either.  So instead of spreading my wild love seed around the world, what do i do?

 

I post stupid pictures from around the world.  please take a look, i have no idea where i keep finding this crap but i do, it seems, my only form of stimulation.  some world war II classics from america – fuck yeah!

 

 

 

It´s been so long since my last confession.

 

I would like to appologise to paddy in mallorca at this moment in time.  My confession contains no filthy shagging sessions, no drunken nights out (or in!) not one thing exciting in any way. I would just merely like to tell you all that i am still alive and now tied up in Martinique.  I havent seen any dolphins, sea turtles or beautiful coral reefs while diving – infact i havent been diving for weeks.

 

My new longboard is ready and safely stowed in alex faggotpants garage – in alex´s words `your new board is fucking rad ` All i have to do now is get back to blighty and pick the damn thing up.  I can´t tell you how excited that makes me.  Maybe old age is making me sad but if i had the choice of a night with a dozen russian circus lesbians with a jar of chocolate sauce – or an hour with my new long board, i would choose the board every time………..ok, maybe not everytime but it would be a close thing. (i had to say that for paddy)

 

I will be glad to get back to europe and just be able to get on with things.  It can be hard here to get things done, there are a few exceptions, i have stumbled across a few suppliers who have fallen over themselves to help me out and i have to say, the most helpful were american – they just nail that customer service thing.  Special thanks to Gina in California and Brian in Florida!!

 

Now, lets get back to that free BMW for the 20,000th reader.  Its still there and we havent reached it yet, still need just over a thousand more hits and we will have it.  Paddy may claim to be an avid reader of my page, but i know better. i know that he only reads it when i mail everyone and tell you to, a bit like Carol `out of office` Mayers , who according to facebook, is finally getting married.

 

Anyway, visitor number 20,000 gets a free brand new BMW so spread the word and keep coming back, you never know, it could be you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It does seem absurd that these wonderful creatures are still being caught and killed deliberately in fishing nets around the world.

 

watch the clip, it is work and child safe, no volume needed.

 

 

Now you are completely in awe, just like me.  I havent seen any dolphins on this voyage but after my dive courses, i am pleased to say i have seen some awesome marine life.  Today while on the bottom and about to remove my face mask, my instructor frantically told me to wait – a small sea turtle was swimming straight toward us while we were motionless on the bottom, this was my closest encounter to date.  We also peered under a rock to watch two lobsters hiding away from the human dinner table, followed a barracuda as it hunted for its dinner and swam amid schoales of fish of all sizes.

 

 

Think before you pollute!!!

 

ok.  i am shattered now, i need to sleep and it is only 1pm.  On thursday evening our guests arrive and then we have 10 days of heavy work.  Our light at the end of the tunel is a week off in martinique once they have left, and then, by late february we are heading home.

 

I really can´t wait to get home.  OK , i know home is portugal but at the moment, anywhere in mainland europe will do just fine, the ability to get things done with minimum stress and fuss is a good thing.  The instructor here in Antigua just told me to post my PADI details from somewhere else, not here, because the beuocracy is bullshit.  she has been waiting for a birthday card since november!

 

So soon, back to civilisation and some surf.

 

If alex faggotpants is out there – tell me about my new pranche grande

 

Its just before 6am local time and i am up, sitting on the cold dock concrete ordering parts from england.

 

Yes, i know being in the caribbean for such a long time is a pretty cool thing to do but it has it´s drawbacks.  when you need parts and you need them urgently and the rest of europe is 4 – 5 hours in front of you, you just have to get up early to get the order in.  It does help if you can find a supplier in the states but on this one, i couldn´t do it.

 

Now i wait, for confirmation e mail and then i can go back to bed.

 

Took my final test for PADI dive yesterday…….i managed to get one question wrong, which wasnt a problem in itself but just bothered me slightly.  I did of course double check the question in my study book and i was wrong.  Last two dives on saturday morning and unless i do something completely stupid, i am home and dry, except i am not, i am actually away and wet but thats just splitting hairs.

 

Our last guests arrive next thursday for ten days.  We will be cruising back around the islands before they leave us on 10th february.  After that, we head with the boat to martinique for a well earned week off and then load the boat onto the ship and then back to europe.  I can´t wait to get back to palma for a while, even better still, to get home to portugal for the summer and do nothing more than surf.

 

it is a tough life – i will probably win the jackpot on the lottery this weekend too.

 

Was a little deeper, a little further out, on the reef, there was life out there.

 

First thoughts were of watching old sci fi movies. i now know where the set designers got their inspiration from – the reef bed.  I was also lucky enough to be leading the group when a sea turtle came out of its little hidey hole right in front of me, took a look at me for a second or two and them swam away to do whatever it is sea turtles do on a sunday after church.

 

Not to far further on, i spied a bloody great eel hiding in its den.  Although i couldnt see it all, i knew it was huge by the size of its head and gaping mouth.  i gave that sucker more of a wide birth than the turtle.  Sadly i missed the stingray as i was still trying to equalise my ears to get to the bottom.

 

Tomorrow, one final dive and the big test.

 

so this afternoon i will spend swatting with my book and drinking tea so that i am fully rested for tomorrows excursion