Monthly Archives: April 2006
the hunt for PG – pt 2
hurrah for the british secret service.
finally got my hands on a box of 80 tea bags this morning, a whopping 6 euros though. i celebrated by having three cups during the day, all of course with brown sugar.
so what has been happening?
well ,this week i just about finished off on cinderella II. she is due to sail on monday and i have to say i will miss her. i have spent the best part of three months working on her, with the odd excursion to other boats, the wierd thing is, the average joe that gets on the boat will not be able to see one piece of my work, nor sadly, will they appreciate it (apart from the octopus and also the sea chest – if they failed the boat would sink very quickly).
so, monday morning will see my final inspection over the boat.
Paddy left us on friday – wont quite be the same without his cheeky face around and it will also mean one less person to buy the coffee each day.
Saturday night was his wife, Suzi´s 40th birthday. Her twin sister was also in town from blighty so i headed to a small beach bar where i met, had some dinner and a few coca cola´s and chatted with some new people.
this was the scene for the ´MEETING OF THE MILF´. I was introduced to what can only be described as the queen of all that is milfy. this chick was a stunner despite being a smoker and i am sure you know how i feel about that. long black hair, dark eyes, 31 years, great figure, beautiful teeth, slinky thin lips, colar bones and shoulders you could kiss all night long and dimples too!
well we got chatting but things started going astray. no, not my normal quality chat up, but being a single mum, she had some very protective friends. it seemed like they took it in turns to watch us. each time we got over the small talk and i was about ready to approach the phone number question, they could sense it and came in for the ´shield manouvre´. someone would walk in and start chatting with her and thus divert her attention from me. the first couple of times i took it all in my stride, but the third time, with ´big john´i decided that i was flogging a dead horse and moved off.
a real shame though – generally speaking i have no intentions of dating english chicks but haley was definately worth it.
i did also have a little flirt with one of the waitresses but my spanish just aint upto the approach level just yet.
And i guess it is only fair that i tell you about one that i let slip right away! sometimes i can be a real dumb ass. I told you about my new phone? well while cycling to the vodafone shop to buy it i got flagged down by a leaflet girl who was also selling phones but for another network. we got chatting, first in spanish, then in english and of course, after a good deal i was prepared to be and actually was being a big flirt.
i didnt realise until i was leaving that she was actually enjoying the chat as much as me, infact i didnt realise until i was leaving and she called to say goodbye as i rode off, her hair blowing in the breeze, a happy smile and a cute little wave. So what happened next? i carried on cycling to the vodafone shop !!!! what a dick !
so, my luck with the women hasnt changed in the last 6 months – which brings me curiously back to my last girlfriend, sandra – who decided to call me at 5am on saturday morning, obviously she was just home after a night out. i never answered and shortly afterwards i got a text appologising for the call. OK, heres my point. On the assumption that you didnt wake someone with a call, text them, the bleep bleep might just wake them up, or like me , if you just drifted off again, it will wake you for a second time.
I had been talking with sandra again, seems we had both been missing each other a little and maybe a reconciliation was on the cards – well it may have been , until i became aware that she had been shagging an australian!! i hate these twats, they come to my beaches jumping around like little gay rabbits with their stupid fucking accents and skip across the sand when there is a foot of onshore slop. now what really gets me is that sandra was well aware of my dislike for our antipidean buddies , from which i can only deduce that she deliberately found one and did him just to piss me off. from that i figure there is no going back and yes, she did manage her objective.
on a lighter note, i lent cinderella my new full gas bottle on saturday morning, after all , i had a spare and i could refill her empty one. problem was, in the shower this morning, the gas ran out amd it is a real shitter to buy gas here on a sunday, had to find my way across town and search for the repsol gas depot. found it in the end and have hot water once more. thankfully, the kettle is electric so it never stopped the flow of PG.
The hunt for roller blades keeps me entertained. i Headed to decathlon again in the week, hell bent on finally buying a pair – it was my third visit to the place, but still managed to come away empty handed. the thought of spending 100 bucks scares me. maybe one day soon.
so what does the week hold for me now? a few more hours with cinderella, then onto some big motor yacht for some turbo diesel action and then maybe some work on 50/50.
i will of course drop on for some rants and raves during the week so please drop by and say hi.
DON¨T try this at home
well, my old faithfull sony erricson phone (courtesy of paul miller) gave up the ghost last night, kept switching on and off all by itself. i thought maybe a dickie switch so i tipped a little neat alcohol onto the switch itself and air injected it with the airline at work..
what a twat, flooded the inside of the screen with alcohol and instantly made it impossible to read.
cost of replacement – 100 bucks, for everything else, theres mastercard.
big gay jeans festival
is almost over!
i am sad and worried. my gay jeans as chips likes to call them are definately on their last stand.
holes in two pockets and three legs and a fear that this time when they go in the wash machine they will be whisked away to the big cotton boll in the sky.
i have a dilema
if anyone knows where i can get another pair, please let me know
my name is…………….
Fred Dibnah
ok, i am sure that many of you will have no idea who this guy was. sadly the great fred passed away a couple of years ago but he had a massive cult following. big respect and love goes to the man with the lancashire accent and such great catchprases as,
does it actually run?
can i áve a go?
by éck
were right grand!
and who can ever forget the infamous moment from god like fred´s first tv programme about his demolision antics, while burning down a huge chimney. as the timbers give way and the chimney starts to lurch, he turns to the camera man and with a perfect boyish grin and simply shouts
RUN!!!
god bless you Fred!
please try this at home
doh, like the big dumb ass i am, i finally remembered.
this is perfectly safe so give it a go, right now
open a new window and type your first name and surname into a search engine and see how many hits you get, then if you are really bored, read a few and see what your namessake has been doing all around the globe!
i get around 21,400 in 0.16 of a second – i havent read them all yet but i will get round to it.
surprisingly, if your name is ´big fat wanker´, you will manage an astounding 219,000 hits – oh my god!
We can’t find “www.ebay.co.uk”
i know that is hard to believe but i just typed ebay into my browser and got that message back!!!
am i missing something?
please try this at home
you know what – i wrote the title but by the time i got to the main page, i completely forgot what i was going to write. sometimes i can be the worlds biggest twat
road trip
for my next road trip, i have to decide whether to hit Gibraltar or not.
please post your answers to this blog enrty with ´reasoned´arguement to support your posting.
thanks
nudge parking
ok, you probably have no idea what i am about to talk about but over here, it is something of a phenomenon (please read that word with an american accent)
i get a great view from my terrace, and when i figure out how to add movies to this page, i will get some for you.
this is a style of parking that could only ever happen in spain. it can work here only because most people couldnt give a toss about their cars – and after all, why call a part of a car a bumper if you can´t bump into it once in a while?
ok, there are two key issues to deal with when nudge parking.
1. the space isn´t big enough for your car
2. the space is big enough for your car.
in true spanish style, let me deal with it in the wrong order.
2. you approach a space and you think no-one is looking. as you stealthily approach, you also notice that both cars surrounding the vast space are newer, more expensive and in better condition than yours. you start your reverse, naturally on too much of a lock and let your left front corner touch the right rear of theirs.
of course, your bumper touches their paint so they get more damage than you.
in complete ´shock´ you actually forget that you are still moving backwards and concentrate on looking at the car you just hit – until – you reverse into the car behind you, cracking their bumper or at least number plate.
you recoil with the paiin in your heart as you realise that you just damaged two complete strangers cars, select first gear and let your foot slip off the clutch and ram the poor bastards car in front again, breaking rear lights and denting his tailgate.
you then switch off the engine, get out of the car as if nothing untoward had actually happened, look upward and see me standing on the terrace with a cup of coffee laughing at you, drop your keys into your handbag with latina flair and walk away as if it was all my fault!
1. you drive up a narrow one way street with a few cars behind you, there is a small space but no big deal, you are only driving a nissan micra, the smallest of all things small. you indicate, pull past the space and select reverse gear.
turn in at the right angle, floor the throttle and gallop backwards like a cow on E.
aim the rear right corner of your car at the front right corner of theirs. hit it hard enough and it just might move enough for you to fit in the new space.
when it doesnt move, check your rear view mirrow, realise that there are now four cars watching and waiting to pass and also a madman on a terrace with a coffee laughing at your attempts.
select first gear and go and try another street
how to commit murder
easy to do,
form a rock band, call yourselves something like U2 perhaps?
write world leading songs for nearly three decades and make sure at least a handful are completely timeless classics.
when you feel your career has reached all of its highs – sell your soul!
let some fat ass´d yank, rip off one of your songs with a few badly placed wow-oh-wows and oooh yeahs, the sort that makes her chin and jaw click while she spurts them out.
if thats not enough, maybe you could perform backing vocals or play percussion for her
to make sure you really sell out, let the aforementioned fat ass´d yank take all the credit for murdering one of the western worlds modern classics and market the song under the name
Mary J Blige featuring U2 – one!
now guys – i know you are irish but come on – you really did fuck up here! you are not a feature in someone elses career, you are a whole story of your own, you dont need stunts like this to survive.
maybe bono has finally lost the plot like Jackson – after that front page feature with the Gates´s maybe he has finally gone doolally