It comes with age

Yesterday morning whilst out walking I felt the urgent need to poo.  Problem was, I was already 2 miles into my walk and had a dilemma. Should I now take the shortest route back to the house or continue with my planned route hoping I could successfully hold the poo?

As a kid, we regularly had competitions to see who could hold a poo for the longest, and as kids, we seemed to do much better, 4 or 5 days at a time was not unusual – or that’s what I seem to remember.  Midway through my life ( I guess that’s about where I am at 42) I seem to be able to hold a poo for  a significantly shorter period of time, sometimes an hour or two can seem an impossibility.  This of course worries me greatly because in another 30 years or so, at the same rate of deterioration, by the time I have thought that I need a poo, it will already be rolling down my trouser leg to the floor, which might lead to some very embarrassing moments at the Post Office counter, or in the bakers shop, or worse still, Crown Court as a Juror ! ‘Permission to be excused m’lord – I just shat on the floor’!

I digress!

I opted for the shortest route back but that was still a mile and a half.  With a good pace on it is harder to hold a poo but at a slower pace, it would take me longer to get back – it was a serious dilemma.  It was still before 7am so I did consider a quick squat in a bush, no-one was around to see me, I could get away with it if I really had to.  I let the pressure off as much as possible by farting when I felt brave and clenching when not so brave.

I was by now creating a picture in my mind, and this is something we have all done I promise – getting back to the house, 100 yards out, belt loosened, trousers unbuttoned, door key out at the ready, not even shutting the front door behind me, getting to the bowl, dropping my pants and lifting the seat in unison and before seated, letting rip!  What if I got all that right and fumbled the seat?  It could all end in a shitty disaster.

And it gets worse – as you think about that picture, the need to poo becomes more intense – now it’s in mind games territory.  Don’t think about the build up of pressure and it will subside, think about it and you will be filling your pants a mile too early and then have to squelch the next mile hoping you don’t bump into anyone you know – now that would be a serious walk of shame, more serious than the morning after with a ‘Nora’!

Disappointingly for my readers – a mile into the remaining trip, I got it all under control and made it back in a timely fashion.  I was so moved by the whole experience, I thought I should share it with you.


On a more springtime note – what is with the weather?  It snowed yesterday and almost got down to freezing point!  I am expecting to be greeted with a Spinney full of bluebells one morning soon, so I may have to take my camera out with me – there is something hugely pleasing about walking through the woods with a carpet of bluebells





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Have a moan - the beers are on me !!

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