Thank you Stelios Haji-Ioannou

let me start the story with a personal thankyou to the big fat tosser himself!
imagine, i was overwhelmed with joy.  i arrived at the airport half an hour before check in opened, an hour after it opened, i finally got checked in, i waited in the lounge just like they asked, then ten minutes before we were due to leave we were asked to board. being the good little boy that i am , and remembering their slogan, íf you´re late we wont wait´ i hurried to the gate, only to be told when i got to the gate ( the furthest from the lounge), the flight had been rescheduled from 7.15 sunday evening to 08.30 monday morning due to staff sickness (even though i had just watched the plane pull up).
heres the trick, if they re-schedule, they dont have to report it in their performance stats as late or cancelled – sly little trick i reckon.
so the solutions?  call someone to drive for an hour to come and get me, pay for a hotel myself and try and claim it back from these fools or kip on the floor at the airport. After working for the man himself and having inside knowledge to his regimes, there was no way i was going to shell out for a hotel and hope that someday i might get the money back so me and a handful of others decided to play it rough.  I reckon some of the others had been caught out before too, they had brought sleeping bags, one guy even had an air bed with him.
so finally , this morning , after a 13 hour wait – we got airborne.  Thank you stelios, you certainly did revolutionise air travel.
Ok, so its a budget airline, shit happens and he does run things very close to the bone, this i have seen for myself, but judging by some of the other comments, it is a regular occurance, one old git was moaning that this was the fourth time it had happened to him.
IF YOU WANT FRILLS – GO BUY A FROCK!  (nice one stelly)
ok, so now i got that out of the way, let me tell you about the rest of my visit.
it all started on thursday evening.  back packed, walked to the square to catch a cab. no real drama and he took me swiftly to the airport.  that is where the fun begins.  full of brits.
one hen party with purple hats, another hen party with pink hats and of course karens 40th – magaluf all in matching t shirts.
looking for something to eat, there was macdonalds or pizza hut – a perfect choice for the fat slugs that were there. I wonder if they ever think about looking after themselves? all younger than me, all twice my weight i would guess and all keen to munch on some super slop.
and of course they got extrremely pissed off with the guy behind the counter.  He was of course a complete queen, whch made him even slower and more dramatic than usual, the first couple getting irate that his english wasnt perfect, the next woman was a scott with a thick glaswegian accent, the poor ponce had no chance.  I couldnt help but laugh and he saw me, he decided to laugh too.  I decided to try out my best spanish and ordered – he completely understood!  what really winds me up is that the brits come over here, learn three words, graçias, por favor and cerveja and think they are rulers of the world……….do your homework please – it is a little embarrasing to have you shout at the locals as if they are thick and deaf! you are in their country and you dont speak a word! think about that for a moment.
anyway, by the time i boarded the plane i had already shelled out 60 euros ( ok i had pizza and coffee but i was completely hank)
friday came around and time for the dentist. yet another gorgeous indian girlie as my dentist – i dont know where tehy keep finding them – going to the dentist has been a complete pleasure for the last 5 years.
headed into town to do some shopping and met up with rupert for a coffee, or nearly didnt as the case was.  i sat in the coffee shop and he had no idea where it was, he even walked passed it once!! and he lives in the town.
he was all excited about his latest plans so i went with him to buy his new 38ft american motorhome. 7.5 litre petrol engine, he must have shares in BP.
Friday night i had dinner with melv, junior and steve b – see the pictures opposite.  i did an excellent job of getting blown out by a gorgeous red head waitress………but at least i tried.  she was a minger anyway!!
saturday, i got to skulk around the town centre like an adolecent. After lunching with jake and georgia, i met up with some of jakes friends and took them on my hunt for some pubic hair trimmers – i think i embarrassed all of them – like all good dads should, a few pictures opposite.
after that, i met with the gimp and his new girlie, who i have to say is far too cute for a sex pest like him.
and then we had the saturday night out – check out the pictures of ralfie opposite. pretty tame night by all acounts but then i am getting older!
we headed to walkabout and i was expecting to hear the usual shite music, bon jovi – livin on a prayer, brian adams – summer of 69 and chesney hawks – the one and only.
i was nearly knocked off my feet when they were playing the Killers – Mr brightside.  it was a great view, people dancing and singing and rocking to a cool tune – the perfect view, but then , two songs later – on came chesney hawks.  I headed up to the dance music level and was greeted by some rather cool faithless but would you believe it, next song – madonna!!!!  hang the DJ´s please.
finished the night off with a ruby with mr richer, ralf walked in , pissed as a fart , eating his takeaway that he had bought from another curry house. the waiters surrounded him, kept him walking but turned him through 180 degrees at the same time, he probably never realised that he had been in there , let alone what they had done to him. we found him slumped into his takeaway in the next shop door way ( see the picutres) getting confused between his naan bread and the brown carrier bag it came in.
and that was that.
sunday i sat infront of the tv watching fred dibnah doing his best to get squashed by the buildings he was demolishing – pure class – you gotta love this man
sunday was a short day for me, i left for the airport at 4pm – what a mistake that was.

Have a moan - the beers are on me !!

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