Retro Nº 3 – 20th March 2005

i just spent the last hour writing a monster of an e mail. as i~was getting near to the end, the fuse blew in the bar and the computor went off without saving the details….its amazing how much you can write in an hour.

let me try again, forgive the typing errors though, i am getting a little tired now.

Alex left for the uk yesterday. he was here for a week. for those of you that dont know who he is, he used to live with me in rugby a few years ago, then he moved back to cornwall. I was expecting him to turn up with his girl zoe last saturday. as his car pulled inito my road, i could only see him. i thought maybe zoe was hiding in the car. he told me they had split up but i didnt believe him, i was convinced she was hiding in the back………..turns out, he was being honest, she had dumped him. after i had finished laughing, i helped him with his stuff and we had a cup of tea. Alex,s misfortune cheered me up for two reasons. Firstly, and most importantly, i could keep the double bed for the week, secondly, i got to take the piss out of him, just the same as he did to me when fat pat legged it.

there is a bit of a pattern forming here, chicks moving out while boys are away on surf trips…….

I got to spend the whole week introducing him to my friends as Alex, just dumped by his girlfriend. I am glad to say though, that he is in good cheer.

so, iu am trying to remember just what was in my monster mail that i just lost.

i bought a motorbike this week, an old cruiser , a honda V45 Magna, for the princely sum of 50€. needs a bit of work, it has been stood for a couple of years but will be great for cruising when it is finished. might even use it for my 6 mile commute each day, to beat the traffic congestion…….oh, hang on a second, we dont have traffic problems here!!!!!

crashed a van at wortk the other week too, a minor scrape but reveresed a transit into a wall. how i didnt see it i have no idea. in the afternoon i hit another wall with a vw passat so all was good.

can someone please tell me when the clocks change? i know it is soon and i dont want to get to work an hour early on a monday morning.

bought a new wetsuit, or fato as it is called here. very cheap, 77€ including 2 blocks of sex wax. if it lasts as long as my last one, it will be a real bargain. it fits good too. i seem to have more room around my testicles – either that or my nuts are shrinking!!

a customer gave me a fly swat the other day, he is a fresh arrival from england, and a bit of an arthur daly/ Delboy trotter type. this swat is pretty funky though. not your conventional slap em on the wall type. a modern fully electified tennis bat, catch those little suckers and in a flash of light and a pop the are gone, no more. its great fun to use, i now walk the streets looking for flys to kill.

remember the girl christina that i told you about, the one that i had a date with but i was late because i was surfing? well, she asked me out again about a month ago. we went to the flicks and watched the aviator. im my charming way i managed to endear myself to her even more by calling the film ´tacky american crap´ christina lived in america for years and maybe even considers herself american as well as portuguese so that went down like a porn star on bonus! Anyway, just when i thought i really had blown it, she invited me to her place for dinner, seems she likes to cook mexican. she seriously has got the hots for me ( thats understandable though) but i dont think i should do her. i get the distinct impression that she is emotionally fragile so a night of passion with the waynster wouldnt be the best therapy for her. we are still friends but i do have to try very hard to keep her at arms length, especially after a few of the local brews.

i managed to get rid of my last stalker finally. turns out that my boiss russ, his wife went to school with her so she interveened for me and told her to get a life! so my doorbell doesnt ring in the early hours, i dont get ten text messages a day any more but i do still get the pshyco smiles across the bar at night. i try to vary which bar i go into but she always seems to find me. my spider senses never told me that she would be quite so crazy.

the love bus continues to go from strength to strength but sadly its days are numbered. if you know anyone selling a left hand drive diesel car, please let me know.

the weather is getting good again, 22 degrees this weekend. i even managed some naked sunbathing on my terrace. there is a nudist beach near but i want to take my surfboard and try a bit of nuddy surfing. i will wait for the water to warm up a bit though.

Marillia is back at the bubble for easter. she is absolutely adorable. russ near shat himself last night when he saw her and i told him that i had her number but deleted it as she was too hard work. she is a trainee lawyer from lisbon and what a figure, she looks more like nelly furtado than nelly furtado does.

I quit school………russ´s wife used to teach portuguese ands wanted to start again. i was getting pissed off with the coffin dodgers at the class and figured one to one would be better for me than the class i was in. some of the dodgers have been going to the same class for three years. so when the teacher asks a question, they are happy to shout out the answer, after all, they have had three years to learn the answers. we also didnt talk enough portuguese so sarah will only speak in enlgish if i ask her to. she used to teach professionally so i am sure it is a good idea.

the land i was looking at has been shelved, i have to tell the woman that i dont want it any more. Sarah and russ walked me round the village last weekend. we found one place that was drop dead gorgeous. a complete ruin, with no roof but great potential and a garden too. in the garden there were fruit trees with lemons and oranges hanging for the picking. can you imagine waking up in the morning, walking to the garden, grabbing some oranges from your tree, squeezing them in the kitchen and then having the freshest orange juice you could ever have.

we are still waiting to find out how much the owner wants for the land….only in portugal could you put a for sale sign up without knowing how much you want for it…….i hope to find out this week.

well i reckon i got everything covered…………… arse is getting very numb, i have been on this stool for two hours now.

must dash,.

have fun




Have a moan - the beers are on me !!

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